The Crap on the Wall that is My Brain

Grand Canyon

2009-12-25T17:16:00.001-08:00

When I visited the Grand Canyon, I found a quiet, unassuming spot to sit and stare at the earthly void. As I sat on a ledge under a tree, feet dangling over a cliff, I wrote down the following:

October 13, 2009

As I sit upon this rock a foot away from a long descent, tremors occur throughout my being.

The air is crisp, cool and nourishing. Clouds blot across the sky, unable to conceal the blue like a twin size blanket over a king size bed. The canyon itself is dangerously beautiful or beautifully dangerous depending on one's demeanor. The canyon's layers of red sand are fitting; displaying its age with a coat of rust or dried lifeblood of mother earth.

There is a quiet demand of respect gazing upon the ominous shadows of the clouds above onto the belly of the canyon. The trees are still until a whizzing car or cool breeze passes by causing the leaves to chatter. Birds enclosed in black float along the canyon like dark confetti in the wind. Truly, this indentation of the earth reminds man of how small he truly is in this mystic unforgiving world.

As the tremors ease in my body, I truly know what it means to gaze upon such beauty and respectfully fear it.

Destination Discovery and Delusion: Erik's Road Trip to California Days 3-5

2009-10-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

October 12, 2009

I awoke at 5:15 AM Oklahoma time and it was pitch black and 48 degrees outside. After taking a couple stale donuts and drinking even staler coffee for breakfast, I hit the road at 6:30AM. It was dark. Incredibly dark. No lights save for my headlights and lights emitting from the semis around me. It was as if God had abandoned Oklahoma.

I thought that day was approaching. I was wrong. It was fog. The fog was dense and my visibility was shot. It was like driving through vanilla cake frosting. The sun finally appeared at 9:40AM. I was never so happy to see Texas steer in my entire life. Fittingly, the song Illumination by Rollins Band played as the sun rose.

Texas was a long haul and I had a lot more to go. I wanted to take this opportunity to visit with my friend Matt in Arizona in the evening. He offered me free food and sleep. I had to take him up on it, but I was in for a long commute for the day. With the morning rise, I enjoyed the sounds of the One Ups with songs like this and this.

The mix got a little eclectic. Morning of Magicians by the Flaming Lips and Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay Z lead the way, opening the path to Barracuda by the 5,6,7,8's and Future Sound by Jurassic 5. It culminated with Liar by Rollins Band, a song that has much resonance with me and reminded me of some phonies I've encounter, that we have all encountered, in the past. Reminds me of Florida... a lot.

Last post, I mentioned on how songs can remind you of certain periods of your life. Well, there are songs that remind me of people. Fully Alive by Flyleaf reminds me of a good person, a great friend, I have back in Florida. While my friend has never had pain like the person sung about in the song, she has/had spiritual, personal, and emotional troubles within recent years, yet her outlook on life and hope in her heart inspires and motivates me.

Another song, is Crush by the Dave Matthews Band. In high school, all of my friends were into DMB therefore his music invaded by ears, but it was a welcomed invasion. I was seeing this girl and this song reminds me of her. Specifically, it reminds me of one night in the fall in which sat and watched the stars on my friend's trampoline in his backyard. I remember the smell and touch of her long hair and how she nestled against me to keep warm. Reflecting and evaluating this memory, I drove on.

New Mexico is beautiful with rusty red cliffs and desert far and wide with numerous signs warning for falling rocks. By mid afternoon, my windshield was a harsh, impromptu graveyard for bugs.

Dusk settled and I was in Arizona. It became black quite quickly and I was fatigued. I only stopped three times for gas and nothing more. The drive was literally a roller coaster with my engine roaring to climb the hills and letting go of the gas and gliding down the highway during descent.

I finally arrived in Tempe and saw Matt. It was great to see him, being it had been two years since we've seen each other. He treated me to a burger joint called Chuck Box and I had the best burger I've had in years. It truly brought me closer to a bypass and was worth the 16 hour drive I made that day. After some visiting and catching up, I laid on the couch. I had to get up early to fully enjoy the Grand Canyon the next day.

October 13, 2009

I woke up and showered. Matt cooked a mean, artery clogging breakfast and after a fond farewell, I was back on the road... to a Jiffy Lube. Yeah, I had my oil changed before the trip, but with the detour I was dangerously close to the 3,000 mile mark. After having the heavily tattooed crew change my oil and rotate my tires, I was off.

The mix continued with Devil is a Loser by Lordi, Burn by Alkaline Trio, Killing Me Softly by the Fugees. After a few hours and 25 bucks for entry, I made it to the Grand Canyon. I drove along, paused, and took photos like any other tourist. Then I found a spot.

No one was really around and there was no barricade. I walked cautiously to a partially wooded area and sat on a rock near the edge of the cliff. I closed my eyes, feeling humbled by the sight. I took out my notebook and wrote. When/if I feel it to be appropriate, I'll type out what I wrote in my notebook in a later post in this blog. I wrote my piece, I prayed, and by then it was time to go.

While lyrically it makes no difference, I thought it appropriate that Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin was the first song played when I left the canyon. It got mellow for a time with some Thelonious Monk and Cold, picked up with Jimmie's Chicken Shack and Outkast, slowing it back down with some Norah Jones, and ending with Johnny Cash's cover of Rusty Cage.

I checked into a motel off of Route 66. I was still fatigued from the previous day's marathon of travel on top getting used to the new time zone, so I decided to relax for the remainder of the day. While I was pumping at the gas station, I asked the attendant where I can find some good local pizza. She pointed me to a shop down the block.

I was able to get two pizzas with two toppings each. I stared at the list of possible toppings and did a double take. Tuna? Cashews? Hmm... why not? I ordered a tuna with green peppers along with a pepperoni and cashews. As I put in the order with the cashier, one of the pizza chefs walked up to the front with wide eyes in my direction.

"Tuna?"

"Yep."

"I've never done this before."

"Don't look at me, man, you're the guys that made it an option on your menu."

He shrugged, smiled, and made my pizzas. For the record, it was pretty good. Not a favorite, but I'd have it again. I went to my hotel room, pigged out, put myself in a Diet Dr. Pepper coma, and slept.

October 14, 2009

Fate decided that first song that popped up at the beginning of my final leg of drive would be We Will Rock You by the immortal Queen. Thanks, Fate. You are nothing if not motivating.

After the last few days, I became sick of the road. My legs were getting cramps from my constant seated crouch position while in the car. My left leg is still having trouble staying straight even as I write this. The tunes were good with Give Thanks and Praises by the Bad Brains, I Am A Grocery Bag by They Might Be Giants, Ain't Misbehavin' by Fats Waller, and Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me by the sometimes overly preachy but super talented U2.

After stopping to get blood back in my legs and a decent meal in my belly, I pressed on and counted down the miles. I finally arrived. After stopping for coffee, I arrived to Brent and Mindy's apartment. I was thoroughly welcomed.

Now, after this adventure, there is a new one: finding a job, pursue and continue comedy, and achieve the path that is set for me. I humbly ask for thoughts, assistance, support, and prayer on this journey as much as you have for this drive. This move to California was not possible because of anything I did or have earned. It was possible through God speaking and asking others to stick their necks out for me; the drive was possible due to good people believing in me, my motivation, my talent, and my drive. Those people know who they are and I thank them; knowing and praying their investment in me shall not be in vain. I also want to thank all who read this, because it tells me that you care and are curious. I hope that this move results in a testament to all to follow their passions, follow what drives them, and do whatever it is that God has built them to do and feel. Prayers are encouraged for the true adventure is beginning. God bless and good journey to you all.

Destination Discovery and Delusion: Erik's Road Trip to California Days 1 & 2

2009-10-11T18:59:00.001-07:00

October 10, 2009

I awoke on the couch at Jenny and Jeff's apartment well rested for the first time in days. It's odd considering I was leaving everything I found familiar. But familiarity doesn't necessarily mean good. Orlando, with the exception of a few people, became familiar to me; I became adapted to it. However, just because a person becomes familiar and adaptable to arthritis doesn't mean they like it.

I loaded up the car and did some reading. Jenny wanted to send me off and I wanted to oblige her, so I waited for her to come back from her coaching session. She returned with a mini photo album with pictures of good people from a bad experience along with a card with a note inside. I told her that I would read the note at my first stop. I would later find that the words and encouragement were better fuel for my trip than any gasoline or food I would come across. We hugged, said goodbye, and I took off at 10:30 A.M.

I decided to listen to a Batman audio book that I hadn't listened to since my last big drive from Cincinnati to Orlando. I remembered why. The acting was terrible. The Joker, Riddler, and Mad Hatter had almost exactly the same kooky voice. Batman sounded like if Clint Eastwood was doing a bad impression of himself. Chagrined, I listened to the whole 3 plus hour performance. Then I listened to old podcasts of the Bryan and Vinny Show.

As I traveled along the coast, I felt like I was going nowhere being that I was technically still in Florida after a few hours but if I were to look to my right I could see Alabama. The coast wasn't kind weather wise with sporadic rain. On the plus side, I gained an hour due to switching time zones.

I parked it for the night at a Red Carpet Inn outside of New Orleans. They really did roll out the red carpet for me, but the problem was the red carpet had soda stains, skid marks from when the dog had worms, and cigarette burns. I stopped over at a Waffle House for dinner before bed. The waitresses fit every stereotypical greasy spoon waitresses. Two plump, older women with dry, damaged long hair scurried around the place refilling drinks for "shugah" or "dahrlin." I was served by a young teenage girl with a face devoured in freckles. Her name badge said her name was "Cornbread." I left her a good tip.

With a belly full of possible regret, I went back to the hotel to write emails and sleep.

October 11, 2009

I woke up, had a cold shower due to no hot water, crappy continental breakfast and I was back on the road at 7:30 A.M. My goal was to drive 1,000 miles before I stopped for the day. To spoil the ending, I was 150 miles short.

I put the iPod on shuffle and Paranoid Android by Radiohead was the first song. It was fitting due to the mellow start crescendo-ing into loud riffs and electric overload. It was like my demeanor, calm yet ready to blow into action. Can't Buy Me Love by the Beatles came on as the rain started to pour. The tunes started to fit the weather when Sober by Tool came on.

A couple songs later, King Without a Crown by Matisyahu popped on. I've listened to that song at least twice a month since 2005 and it still raises the hairs on my arms and neck. My skin shivers and my throat chokes. Everyone has at least one song that they not only never get sick of, but turns into an anthem for their life. This song is mine. I replayed it twice.

While there are songs that become anthems for life, other songs jump start memories and feelings during periods in your life. The Suffering by Coheed and Cambria played and is one of those songs. It reminds me of my struggles within the past two years in Orlando, in my personal and professional life. It was during that time that I heard that song and it will always remind me of that time in my life. That's when I decided to take heed to the Beatles' advice and Let It Be.

Going from 94 degrees yesterday to 51 degrees today, along with sunny to pitch black evening, took a lot out of me so I stopped at Norman, OK. Fortunately, Norman is the home of J.R.'s Family BBQ. Jim Ross or "Good Ol' J.R." has been the voice of professional wrestling as an announcer for over 20 years and is widely respected among fans and wrestlers alike. He also happens to be a BBQ guru. After trying his brisket and pulled pork, he is as good at cooking as he is at calling matches. After a few photos of memorabilia and buying some of his patented BBQ Sauce and Chipotle Ketchup, I crashed at a Super 8 for the night.

Next is Arizona and a reunion with an old friend.

If I Made These Comic Book Movies

2009-07-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

Comic book based films are becoming the norm in Hollywood and as a fan of movies and comics, I have (like every one who has a throat) have my opinions. Ryan Reynolds has been cast as Hal Jordan for the soon to be filmed Green Lantern motion picture. I am biased in that I am not a fan of Reynolds, but even if I was I would not cast him in this role. Hal is determined, fearless, thirsts for justice, and has a little swagger. Reynolds has only displayed a "what would happen if Van Wilder was a _____" in terms of acting. I don't know if he could pull off a non-wise cracking character since that is all he has played (typecasting maybe?). However, it got me to think who I would pick for Green Lantern and other comic book films. I'm focusing on DC comics since Marvel movies are pretty much decided on most of their casting. Here's who I'd pick to portray certain heroes in either the character's title movie, side superhero characters, or a Justice League type film. I'm focusing on the "heroes" so no side characters (i.e. Jimmy Olsen) or love interests (i.e. Lois Lane) and characters that haven't been on film recently (so no Batman or Superman re-casting):

Green Lantern
Hal Jordan- Guy Pearce
Kilowog- Michael Clarke Duncan (voice)
John Stewart- Terrence Howard
Guy Gardner- Jason Statham
Kyle Rayner- Zachary Levi
Guardians- Anthony Hopkins in multiple roles
G'nort- Zach Galifianakis
Arisa- Elizabeth Banks
Boodikka- Liv Tyler
Sinestro- Zachary Quinto

Flash
Barry Allen- Matt Damon
Wally West- Michael Rosenbaum (hey, it worked in the cartoon)
Bart Allen- Unknown kid actor

Plastic Man
Eel O'Brien- Jim Carrey

Batman Villains
Catwoman- Kate Beckinsale
Harley Quinn- Isla Fisher
Riddler- Johnny Depp
Bane- Vin Diesel
Poison Ivy- Laura Prepon
Penguin- Phillip Seymour Hoffman
The Mad Hatter- Paul Giamatti
Mr. Freeze- Crispin Glover

Atom
Ray Palmer- Adrian Pasdar

Martian Manhunter
Jonn Jonzz- Edward Norton

Darkseid
Ron Perlman

Aquaman
Arthur Curry- Chris Pine

Blue Beetle
Ted Kord- Ed Helms

Booster Gold
Michael Jon Carter- Bradley Cooper

Wonder Woman
Diana Prince- Anne Hathaway

Power Girl
Karen Starr- Charlize Theron

Green Arrow
Oliver Queen- Ewan McGregor

Black Canary
Dinah Lance- Jessica Biel

Watchmen Documentary

2009-05-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

Hello all. I helped my buddy make a documentary on the Watchmen graphic novel. He did a great job, so if you have some time to kill (each part, except for part six is almost 20 minutes long) check it out:

List of Random Stuff I Like That Others Might Like But Don't Put On A List Entitled "Things I Like"

2009-05-17T06:58:00.000-07:00

I gotta ride through a fat tsunami wave of frustration and depression and since I don't have any friends here to provide a distraction, I thought I'd make a list of random stuff/activities/attributes that I enjoy/like:
- Hard rock adaptations of video game music like this or this.
- The rush and relief that comes to your feet when you take off your shoes after a long day.
- The grittiness of "old fashioned" styled peanut butter.
- Humming, imitating guitar riffs with your mouth, or drumming a desk with a pen to a song in your head and someone else recognizing the tune and joining in. The original "Rock Band."
- Instruction manuals that have pictures of every single step, everything clearly labeled, leaving nothing to assumption.
- Kissing a loved one on the forehead.
- Prompt responses, even when the answer is "no."
- Dusty Rhodes talking.
- Smell of women's hair.

- The soreness after a good workout.

- The instant rush of cold from throat to fingers that you get when chugging a beer after being out in the hot sun for hours.

- The sterility of my mouth after using Listerine.

- HBO miniseries based on history (Band of Brothers, John Adams, etc.)

- Having Marmaduke explained to me.

- Random Transformers or He-Man references in any conversation.

- All State Insurance commercials featuring Dennis Haysbert.

- The touch of a lady caressing my back with her fingernails.

- Pretending to be a ninja with little kids.

- Seeing what Alien and Predator are up to.

- Smell of old leather.

- The touch of fleece.

- Listening to a song on the radio that you know but have never heard being played on the radio before.

- The saxophone solo of a jazz or bebop song.

- Getting licked on the face by a dog.

- People who snort when they laugh.

- Having exact change.

- Praying while walking in the park.

- People watch and write at a busy restaurant or park.

- Garfield minus Garfield

- Inventing new pizzas (Chili Dog Pizza and the upcoming experiments Mini-Corndog Pizza and Pizza Roll Pizza or as I like to call it "The Redundancy").

- Writing pointless lists like this one.

- Having someone share their secret with you.

- Shaking hands of men who have awesome mustaches. Yes, I've actually done it.

- Listening, watching, and smelling a bonfire in pitch black night.

- The sound of sizzling meat on the grill.

- Reading philosophy.

- Studying the history of wrestling both regular and "professional."

- The way my mouth waters when I taste a great BBQ sauce.

- The way some MMA fighters walk up to each other after a fight for a post-match "man-hug."

- Thinking of Muppet versions of movies they have no business being in (Scarface, The Graduate, etc.).

- Killing time on Facebook or Cracked.com.

- Finding a grocery cart that has four fully functioning wheels.

- Sharing and talking about comics with total strangers at a bookstore.

- The rush to the head after a big sneeze.

- Inserting sound effects into everyday life.

- Dancing at a wedding reception with an open bar.

- William Shatner's Spoken Word Performances

- William Shatner doing... well, anything.

- Watching movies with subtitles even though the spoken language is still English.

- Picking up a bad movie, gather some friends, and do our own Mystery Science Theater 3000 with it.

- Episodes of any TV show that feature alternate universe or "Bizarro" versions of the regular characters.

I guess that's all I can think of for now. I'll share/think of more when I get steamed up again. Hopefully, I won't have to make another one for a while.

Word of the Month

2009-05-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

So... this month:
1. My car was given 6 months to live just two weeks after paying over $800 to get a part replaced. Thanks, rusted frame.
2. My professional contacts in Los Angeles haven't returned my emails and phone calls, not even to say "sorry kid, I can't." If you don't want to help, then don't offer it. Just give me an eff you email and I'll stop wasting your time and mine.
3. In order to purchase another car (not even a decent one), I have to sell most of my stuff, including important stuff like things I sleep on and things I use to connect with the world around me.
4. Two more people quit their jobs at work without notice leaving the rest of us to carry an even bigger load.
5. My work schedule has been altered yet again, fluxing my sleep schedule yet again. I just want six months of a sleep routine so my body can handle it.
6. I am 26 years old and the only friends here I have are from work, with only one really close one. I don't hang out with anybody due to time, money, and odd schedule.
7. I got offers for the things I've sold, but EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM either a) backed out less than a hour before we were scheduled to meet for business or b) tried to screw me with an obviously see-through internet scheme.
8. I still haven't found great fellowship; the pastor at the church I go to can sympathize with struggle but clearly doesn't know from experience. When you talk about how the economy is forcing the church to cut important staff on an elaborately decorated stage with lighting equipment and sound equipment that could generate enough cash to pay off my student loans, you really need to check your priorities.
9. I've had stomach issues for over a week, mild insomnia, and have a haphazard diet/eating schedule ranging from a meal a day to three meals a day to two meals to forgetting to eat period.

I know everyone now has troubles, many worse than mine. It's just that personally, professionally, socially, and physically I have been... what's the right word? Ah! I know the word! Take it way, Ray Romano and Grover!

Side note: If you are bored and like Spiderman, check out this blog. The guy wants to read every Spiderman comic ever and write an essay about each one. Noble effort.

California

2009-04-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

Day 1

As I looked out the plane window, I learned that baseball is America's undisputed pastime. Hands down. My proof? There was a baseball diamond every inch and a half from the perspective of my window. I landed from my 5 hour flight (turned 3 hour due to the time zone change) at LAX just in time to experience rush hour traffic. It was bad, but nothing I hadn't experienced in Cincinnati or Orlando. The worst part of it was desperately trying to find a good radio station. I finally found KROQ and a smooth jazz station. I heard the song "Sex on Fire" by the Kings of Leon at least three times driving to my friend's apartment in Van Nuys. The song would become my unofficial anthem of the trip because I heard it every time I stepped into a car.

I arrived to my friend Carly's home. Carly is a friend of mine that moved to LA from Orlando. She and I both worked at the TV station in Orlando. Carly is a tiny punk girl, loaded with tattoos and smiles. She is very energetic and adventurous, which is what I needed to feed off of due to my jet lag. After some catching up at In N' Out Burger, we relaxed at her home. I had to get a good night's rest for my interview the next day.

Day 2

I got dressed up in a suit and tie. I looked good but I hate wearing that stuff. It makes me feel like I'm working for the mob. Carly drove me over to Paramount Studios for an interview with her former boss, a producer at the Dr. Phil Show. After some exploring, I sat down with the producer and she seemed to like my resume, my attitude, and well, me. She said that currently they can't hire anyone because the show was about to go on summer hiatus, but that there might be openings in other departments. If not, then there would probably be openings after the hiatus in late July/early August.

What I thought would be a twenty minute interview turned into five hours with a lunch break in between. The producer introduced me to two other producers, a field producer, and two videographers. I was bombarded with the same simple on surface, deep when you analyze them questions. My mouth was continually dry, my faced ached in order to keep a friendly expression, my feet hurt because I was running around in dress shoes, and neck felt like a geriatric woman was trying to choke me due to the tie. It was good and I made some solid contacts. I hope and pray that they can lead me to a new job.

After all that and observing a Dr. Phil taping (which ironically covered job searching), Carly and I went to the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I saw many stars' stars on the sidewalk, but after I saw Don Knotts' star, I needn't have bothered to look down at the ground any further. I stood outside Mann's Chinese Theater and looked at the footprints of various actors including Darth Vader, C-3PO, and R2D2. Spiderman was there taking photos for a few bucks. He had a fanny pack because Peter Parker didn't think to put pockets on his costume for his keys and cell phone. I also saw Zorro... if Zorro was obese and African-American.

We then went back to Carly's home and relaxed a bit. It was a productive day, but an exhausting one. The jet lag and constant stress of making a good impression took a lot out of me. Afterward, I met with some Carly's friends at their apartment to participate in their weekly "LOST" night. I don't watch that show, so the title was very appropriate for the occasion.

Day 3

I still hadn't fully recovered from the flight physically and mentally I was exhausted from doing essentially a five hour interview. I slept in and slept hard. I needed to relax and be on my "A" game. After putzing around for a while, I immediately sent emails and phone calls to my contacts, desperately trying to get them to contact a third party that might be in need of my services. Unfortunately, my contact's contact was out of town. Passover. I'm still trying to get in touch with them at the time of this writing.

I treated Carly to dinner and then we went over to her improv class. It was being held at a large house with a big open area. The class is run by group called Monkey Butler, who holds various improv and stand-up comedy classes throughout the area free of charge. There were about 30 people attending, much larger than I expected. We did some warm-up excersises and finally got to doing "freeze."

Freeze is a game in which we all stand in a circle while two performers act out a scene. When inspiration strikes, a person yells, "Freeze!" and the two performers lock themselves in whatever position they are currently in. The person who yelled out then has to tag one of the performers out, position themselves in the pose the person they tagged was in, and start a new scene from those poses. I had fun and I got some laughs from the group. When the instructor asked the class to return to their seats, he asked me in front of everyone if I had done improv before.

"Not really, no."

"You really have a natural ability."

The class stared at me. I appreciated the compliment, but I just sunk in my chair. I love getting laughs, but I usually am uncomfortable being the center of attention. Carly would later tell me that the instructor never had praised anyone in front of the whole class before. I felt good. Nervous and shy, but good.

When we were dismissed, a bunch of the students walked up to me and introduced themselves.

"What's your name again?"

"You're from Florida? I'm from Florida!"

"Did you just move here?"

"When are you moving here?"

"Looking for work? My buddy is head bouncer over at..."

"We need a few big guys at..."

"I can get you a waiting job at the Comedy Store and you'd get some stage time."

They were all very nice and for the first time in a long time, I felt welcomed into a community. At the end, there was a group prayer for those who wanted to join in. I did. The guy who teaches stand-up prayed that things worked out so I can move to the area. After the prayer, he told me to contact him and he'd be able to get me some stage time at some small but hot rooms.

The instructor told the class that there was a free improv "cage match" at a club on Hollywood Blvd. The instructor's improv troop was scheduled to face the winner the next week, so they wanted to scope out the competition. Carly and I attended the show.

An improv cage match is quite simple. Two improv troops each have twenty minutes of freestyle improv. After both groups have performed, the audience votes for their favorite of the two troops. Winners continues next week. Losers walks.

The champion troop was so creative, innovative, and worked fairly clean to the point that I forgot that their troop's name was Freedom Snatch. They obliterated the other improv troop. Not that the challengers weren't amusing, but they merely maimed the audience while Freedom Snatch killed. Freedom Snatch won yet again for the unprecedented 33rd week in a row.

After some further conversation and email exchanges with the Monkey Butler folk, we headed back to the apartment. I had to get up early, get suited up again, and drive to companies to cold call and toss my resume to whomever owned eyes.

Day 4

It was Good Friday, but not good Friday. In observance of Good Friday, I fast. This Good Friday was no different, except that I usually am not this active on Good Friday. Needless to say, I had a pounding "FEED ME!" headache that lasted all day.

After showering and getting my suit on, I drove around LA to various studios and production companies in the area. Some places accepted my resume, but I assumed they just threw it away when I left. Some places I just left it with a receptionist. Some places I was stopped cold at the security gate. Some places I would drive to and it'd be some apartment building or house. I didn't even bother with those. If they can't afford a proper office, then they probably can't afford any employees.

I got back in the early afternoon, meeting up with Carly. I decided to treat the two of us to a movie over at the famous Arclight theater. It was quite large. We went and saw Observe and Report, the Seth Rogen mall cop film. While it had some funny scenes and Rogen was playing a slightly different character than "I'm a stoner that needs to face up to my responsibility" type that he's been given, I'd say pass on it.

Carly and I then met up with a friend of hers (a potential boyfriend) for pool. Carly kept asking me for my input regarding him and his motives. The guy was just as small as Carly is and with me being a big guy, he tried to make a good impression on me. He was trying to win me over by buying me drinks. It got to a point in which I think his goal was win me over instead of Carly. It worked. I gave him a thumbs up for Carly.

We had a great time shooting pool because we all equally sucked at the game. One game took probably almost an hour. Mind you we are three people, each with only five balls we to sink in for the win. It was pathetic, but a good time was had.

It was getting close to midnight and my head was killing me from lack of food. Stomach, too. We found a late night pizza joint and I pigged out while the other two tossed back a few. We head over to Carly's to watch a movie. I was tired and I knew they wanted some alone time, so I graciously left to get some sleep.

Day 5

I woke up late and putzed for a few hours. Carly was at work so I had the apartment to myself. After downloading "Sex on Fire" on my laptop since it was in my head, I heard it everywhere on the radio, and I liked it, I drove out over to Griffith Park with some In N' Out burgers.

The park was large and busy. Kids running around, birthday parties, cookouts, frisbees, touch football, merry go rounds, hustlers selling bootleg DVD's, and couples lying out on blankets holding each other with their jackets draped over their faces to hide the obvious. I found a good spot under a tree to read, meditate, pray, and eat hamburgers. After a couple of meaningful phone calls, I lied underneath the trees and looked at the sky. It'd been too long since I've been to a park.

After I had my fill with nature, I drove back to Sherman Oaks and walked around the busy streets filled with various shops and restaurants. I did little window shopping and got a couple books for the flight home, but it was nice to have a little bit of nature atmosphere and city atmosphere within one day. The whole thing reminded me of living in Athens in which I could walk around the town into various shops and then spend some time reading on a bench in one of the many green spots.

My evening was rather low-key. Carly and I were invited to a party hosted by a tattoo artist. While I do enjoy a rowdy time, I was still in a state of calm and didn't wish to disrupt it. I told Carly to go to the party and I hung out alone with my thoughts.

Day 6

My Easter and final full day in LA was restful. I woke up, read scripture, and ate eggs and Eggos until I was about to burst. Later in the day, Carly took me over to Venice Beach where masses of people were walking along with boardwalk. There were numerous artists displaying their paintings, jewelry, sculptures, and various metalwork sculptures. Street performers juggled, walked on stilts, or jumped on glass with their bare feet. Vendors shilled t-shirts, overpriced pizza, hotdogs, and ice cream. Panhandlers roamed for streets begging not for money, but for pot.

After gazing upon the busy marketplace of art, commerce, and ideals, we walked on the beach past muscle beach. No beefcake today on account of the Easter holiday. Trudging along on the beach in our shoes, we passed many rollerbladers, bicyclists, hacky-sackers, and frisbee throwing free-spirits.

I approached the Pacific Ocean and placed my hand in the water. This was the first time I had ever seen it. The sun's light bounced off the sea onto my face. Numerous writers state that gazing upon ocean humbles you and makes you think that it goes on forever. I always found that statement to be cliche. It's cliche because it's true.

Afterward, we went back to Carly's apartment. While she went to a meeting, I relaxed. She and her boy interest came over for Chinese food and a viewing of Run, Lola, Run. We have all seen the movie before so there was much talking over it and laughter. I conked out early. I had to be up at 5 AM for the flight home.

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So that was trip to LA. I hope to be resident there fairly soon. With prayer, guidance, and the right people in my corner, it'll be a reality fairly shortly.

Barnes at the Movies: Watchmen

2009-03-06T16:21:00.000-08:00

Barnes' Journal

March 6, 2009

Woke up feeling like a dog carcass that had a burst stomach. The movie theater is afraid of me. I have seen too many films. The seat aisles are extended gutters and the gutters are filled with spilt soda and dropped popcorn and when aisle is filled up, all the ushers will drown. The accumulated time, effort, drama, hype, controversy,and intrigue put into this film along with the sex, murder and fights will foam up to the director's and actors' waists. Through the movie they will shout, "Watch us!" ... and I'll look up, and whisper, "Gladly."

Watchmen is a movie that is not without controversy. The comic book (or graphic novel, if you want to sound snooty about it) came out in the 1980's and has been bandied about from studio to studio, director to director, and collecting dust in Hollywood for years. When notable director Terry Gilliam asked Watchmen author, Alan Moore, how to shoot it into a film back in the '80's, Moore bluntly and honestly answered, "I wouldn't." The trouble with merely shooting a deep, layered story was compounded with litigation regarding the movie rights to the material. Now after over 20 years, the dubbed "unfilmable" piece has been shot and ready for review.

Watchmen takes place in a dystopian 1985. Nixon is still President (he had multiple terms since the two term amendment was repealed), the formerly common sight of costumed vigilantes is cracked down by the government, and the world is on the brink of a nuclear holocaust due to the tensions between the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. When a former colleague is murdered, the crazed masked vigilante Rorschach is trying to uncover who is behind the killing and the defamation of former heroes. However, there may be more to this mystery than just mere murder.

Like I do with other "based on" movies, I am going to look at the film on its own and not try not to compare it to the book. Alan Moore, who wants nothing to do with movie, would appreciate that. I will say that while the ending is different in the movie than in the written work, the meanings, aftermath, and character depictions/motivations remain intact. Picture ordering two cheeseburgers. Both have the same toppings with lettuce, tomato, onions, etc. Now imagine having ketchup on one burger and mustard on the other. That's the amount of difference between both works.

Zack Snyder, the man who did the gorgeous and gory 300, shot a beautiful looking film. The colors and CGI fit the tone and the environment. The costumes from the various periods of time (the film jumps from the '40's to '60's to '80's) were well done. Snyder's greatest strength is his ability to make anything ugly look beautiful and anything beautiful look more beautiful.

The acting was really well done. Each of the six main actors were able to flesh out their characters and provide lasting distinctions without falling prey to one dimension. The dialogue is 90% from the book which will make fanboys happy and serves credit to the original author, Moore.

Matthew Goode was the weakest performer as Ozymandias and based on the rest of the acting, that is hardly a knock. I don't really fault it to Goode too much because certain aspects of his character's personality were omitted from the script. He remains rather archetypical until the end of the film, but by the time he becomes interesting the film is over. I surprised that the movie plays close attention to the backgrounds of all the other characters, but doesn't give much or any exposition on Ozymandias alone. It sucks because I think his character is given the backseat compared to his comic book counterpart while the rest of the main mysterymen are given the full exposure treatment.

Malin Akerman properly portrays the second generation Silk Spectre/Laurie Jupiter. While she serves as eye candy, that is what her character is known for. Well, that plus mommy issues and kicking ass. She does pulls off those aspects very well and can act, so that's a win in my book.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan does a grand job as the gruff, sadistic Comedian. A less capable actor could easily fall into a violent one dimensional viewpoint in the character. However, Morgan was able to make this easily and understandably unlikeable character and turn him into a pitiful, almost sympathetic figure.

Billy Crudup, the biggest name in the film and that doesn't say much, was good as the stoic, God-like Dr. Manhattan. While Crudup's character does not really emote often and the CGI does most of the physical acting for him, the nuances in his facial expressions and subtle changes in his speech patterns help his portrayal. Crudup was aptly able to make Dr. Manhattan seen not as a cold person but an indifferent, almost naive man... that or a disinterested God.

Patrick Wilson is great as the second Nite Owl/Dan Dreiberg. He is able to be a girly, impotent pansy and is able to pull off being a badass at the same time. Now, I don't mean the Clark Kent/Superman immediate change from "aw, shucks" to "surrender, you thugs!" I mean that Wilson was able to show the nervousness of Dreiberg under the confident guise of Nite Owl even with the handicap of the Batman-esque mask and outfit. I expect to see great things out of Wilson in the future and I consider this to be a breakthrough performance for him.

Now to Jackie Earle Haley as the menacing, masked psycho Rorschach. This is Haley's most famous role since he was a kid actor in the original Bad News Bears. Much like how Mickey Rourke was Marv in Sin City, Haley is Rorschach. The build, the voice, and mannerisms all fit. The cold delivery, crazed demeanor, and the desperate emotional moments fit perfectly. Rorschach scared the crap out of me... and I couldn't help but root for him.

Fair warning to the squeamish and bashful. You will get an anatomy lesson from Watchmen. You will see naked people of both genders and a whole lot of nude Dr. Manhattan, complete with a CGI blue penis. Lots of CGI blue penis. You will also see a lot of the inner workings of the human body splattered across the walls; blood, bones, and all.

While most fanboys will complain about how this isn't page-for-page, word-for-word exactly like the book, I ask those guys, "What more can you want?" If you want something like that, get the "Watchmen Motion Comic" DVD. This is supposed to be something new and is a good homage to the source material. If anything, the movie has a ton of "Easter egg" moments that only fans of the book would understand. That would actually be one of my criticisms.

As you have read, I obviously enjoyed the film, however I do have some nit-picking. While I do like the "Easter egg" moments in the film, I think that those who haven't read the book may get lost in some moments. The film opens with the Minutemen (the original superheroes from the '40's) with their fates represented through various short, dialogue-less scenes. While it's nice for the die-hard fans, the regular viewing public might be lost in regards to who is who and after the film wonder "What's the point of seeing those guys? They didn't really effect most of the story or the ending."

Also, while I enjoyed the long, single character focused scenes because it is just like the comic and I am a die-hard fan, some may think that it slows down the overall story. Snyder did a good job smoothly transitioning between the main arc and the character exposition without it turning into "Let's pause for a moment and learn more about Dr. Manhattan." That being said, some who don't like to sit very long might think it adds unnecessary bulk to its near 3 hour runtime. This is the main reason (among others) that I thought Watchmen should have been an HBO miniseries instead of movie in order to view it smaller, distinct bites.

My biggest complaint is the soundtrack. While some songs work, many seem totally out of place and made me laugh at certain scenes in which laughter wasn't the goal. Dan and Laurie go to dinner with "99 Red Balloons" in the background. Rorschach and Nite Owl traveling to the arctic to Jimi Hendrix's "All Around the Watchtower" really perplexed me. So, the scene is in the 1980's featuring a song popular in the 1960's when earlier in the film there was a scene during the Vietnam War which didn't feature any '60's music. The songs themselves aren't bad (I kinda want to buy the soundtrack), but it really takes you out of the film. It's like the movie decided to put on the local rock radio station on in the background of each scene.

So in the end, Watchmen is worth watching. I recommend anybody to watch it, unless you are disinterested based on what I wrote. Just don't expect it to be a mainstream juggernaut like The Dark Knight. Who watches the Watchmen? You should.

Casual Conversing with Conan O'Brien

2009-02-10T05:52:00.000-08:00

Yep. I met Conan O'Brien. It started as a typical Saturday with me waking up at 3 A.M. and doing three straight hours of news and a few news cut-ins until 10A.M. I decided to hang out an extra few hours after work because Ernie said three words: "Conan is coming."

After a few hours and a lunch, he and his entourage consisting of random suits, his show's executive producer and his show's head writer entered the studio. Conan emerged through his posse and proceeded to go around the room and shake everyone's hand. He asked for names, too.

He was built like a marionette with his torso making up 60% of his body, his head 20%, and his limbs at a meager 5% a piece. While we are the same height (6'4") he towered over me due to an additional 2" from his mighty coiffed hair. He dwarfed everyone in the room while looking like a stretched out elf.

Like with everyone, he approached me and reached out his hand.

"Hi. Conan O'Brien."

I don't get star struck very much, but at the time all I could do was extend my hand and say, "Erik Barnes." Dammit. Just... dammit.

He sat down and was interviewed by our head anchor, Jim Payne, for almost 20 minutes. I sat down, legs crossed next to the camera and watched. I felt like a little kid listening to his grandfather tell tales. "Papa Conan, tell me a story!"

He then shot a few promos, plugging our station and reminding viewers that he's the new Tonight Show host.

It was picture time. A line formed with a mess of people wanting a photo with the Innovator of the String Dance.

"Mr. O'Brien, do you have time for another photo?"

"Pfft. 'Mr. O'brien.' Come here."

Then one of my fears came to light. As we posed for the photo above, a random crew member said, "This guy here is a stand-up comic." Ugh. Great. I'm tired and I don't have my "A" game.

Conan turned and looked at me.

"Really?"

"Well, I do a few shows here and there and I mostly work for beer."

"At this point, we are all working for beer."

We both smiled and I let the next person through. Pictures were finished. Then came the alligators.

We went outside where some gators from the nearby Gatorland were waiting. The two gator wranglers traveled in a large white van. The kind of van that a mustached kidnapper would have. One of the gator wranglers gave Conan a couple baby gators to hold. Conan was fine with it. Then the wranglers put the babies away and took out a three year old gator, which was around the size of border collie. He gave the gator to Conan. Conan announced to the crowd that he wet his pants. The gator wrangler took the gator away and then the van drove off, revealing a seven foot long gator from behind.

This was a big gator. The absent gator wrangler was apparently restraining the gator by sitting on its back and holding its jaw closed with his bare hands. This man must have trouble buying pants due to the size of his balls. The two gator wranglers asked Conan if he wanted to pet and wrestle the alligator. "I'm fine here," stated the man responsible for the career of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

The shooting was over and Conan was being corralled toward the big van that brought him here. Oddly enough, it was parked next to my car. He thanked everyone for helping and coming by. I took the opportunity to shake his hand again.

"Thanks for coming. Hopefully, I'll be good enough to perform on your show someday."

"At this point, you are already halfway there."

That was cool. He was probably just being a nice guy, but still. It's cool to be motivated by one of your inspirations. He got in the van and began to drove off.

Before I departed, I thanked my boss for allowing me to stick around. He said he was glad I could stay.

"Maybe you'll take over as host eventually."

"Let's not get crazy now. There is a difference between dreams and delusions."

However, being a talk show host seems like a cool gig. Hmm...

So to recap, I met my Pro Wrestling God in Ric Flair and I met my Comedy God in Conan O'Brien. Now all I need to do is meet Batman and I'll have gazed upon the faces of my personal Triad of Pop Culture Deities.

President Obama: Day One or Re-The Hell-Lax America

2009-01-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

When I worked as a social worker in Cincinnati, we were required to have a performance review every 3 months. I had a rough time at the job. I had experience dealing with people and odd personalities, but the first few weeks were touch and go. Quite frankly, I sucked. I wasn't doing the job very well. Another person was hired a few days before I was. She did very well at the beginning and was getting compliments from my boss. She had a bright looking career.

Then as time went by, I got better and better. I wasn't a prodigy or anything like that, but I didn't suck. I noticed my colleague was slacking and coasting or just plain failing more and more each week. Three months later, I was told that I did a horrid job at the beginning, but towards the second half of the time period I did well. I noticed my colleague wasn't there and asked my boss where she was. She was let go. My point is that if my coworker was judged by her first few weeks, she'd be a supervisor candidate. If I was judged by my first few weeks, I would have been fired.

I watched the inauguration yesterday and it was indeed quite the spectacle. I know a good chunk of my readers are on the right end of the political scale, but I have a confession...I voted for Barack. There. I said it.

My reasons? They are my own. If you really want to know, email me. Like I have mentioned before, most of the time I don't care for political debate because nine times out of ten I'll get pigeonholed into a group I don't subscribe to due to the party association with a group I actually do belong to. Just because I like coffee doesn't mean I like chai latte. You dig?

That being said, I will openly state that I grow weary of both sides of the Obameter. While the Obama rhetoric is very hopeful, feel-good, and (in my opinion) is genuinely boosting morale in our country, let's not mint him on our money yet. He is a great speaker and I admire his wordsmithery. Now, get those words to work. While I seem to think he will be proactive, he has yet to accomplish anything on a large scale. So let us not judge him from what he has done. He hasn't done anything.

On the other end, many are cutting him off at the knees. While he hasn't done anything, that doesn't mean can't do anything. Rookies have won championships. McCain, in full class, asked his supporters to support his opponent in his concession speech. Those who did vote for McCain would be doing a disservice to not give Obama a chance before his first 100 days are up. Don't blame him or get mad yet. He hasn't done anything.

That's the gist of the whole scenario. He hasn't done anything. So re-the hell-lax. Don't nominate him for New Jesus. Don't propose a witch hunt. He's not a good president...yet. He's not a bad president...yet. He's just our president. Let's sit back and see how he does his new job. After 100 days, then we can give a performance review. Then we can clearly see whether to promote him or fire him.

A Note to Women who Post Personal Ads on Craigslist

2009-01-02T17:32:00.000-08:00

So I'm not dating or anything nor am I on E-Harmony or Match.com or anything like that (no money to subscribe among other reasons), but today I looked around the personal ads on craigslist just out of curiosity. There are a few that I might email or whatnot, but for the most part I wonder if these women are even really trying. Here are a few tips for W seeking M for their posts:

- Using terms like "seeks Sugar Daddy" or "wants to be spoiled" and excessive use of "$$$" will not help you. It screams the word "succubus" and any idiot who replies to that deserves poverty.

- writinginrunonsentencesliketheone I amtyping here makes me thinkyou haveno education /:?

- It's nice to write down "I like horseback riding" but saying "I go horseback riding at the downs on my black Stallion, Pepper" is better.

- If you only write "I go horseback riding at the downs on my black Stallion, Pepper" and nothing else about yourself or interests, then congratulations. You are a one dimensional character in a children's learn-to-read book.

- "I live life to the fullest!".... this is the part that where you tell me how.

- "I like movies" Who doesn't? Gimme some favorite flicks.

- If your headline says "24 yr old" and the content of your ad says, "I'm a 20 year old college student," it tells me you are either a bot, stupid, or a liar. FAIL.

- Biggest lie on the internet: "I don't like playing games."

- If you include a pic in your ad, don't use a group photo. Common sense apparently is a limited resource like oil.

- Boyfriend applications? You are trying to tell me who you are. If I'm that bored, I'll go to Quizilla.

- "I'm open minded... Please no black men." = contradiction

This is why I hate dating crap. Meh. On second thought, I'd rather take my chances trying the old fashioned way.

Barnes at the Movies: The Spirit

2008-12-27T18:50:00.000-08:00

The Spirit is the solo directorial debut of comics mad genius Frank Miller, following up his co-directorial credential of his creator owned property Sin City. Miller as a screenwriter and director introduced a genre I have yet to encounter: campy noir.

The Spirit is based off the character and comic book of the same name written and drawn not by Miller, but his contemporary and funny book deity Will Eisner. Those of you who are familiar with the Spirit character/story and expect tight correlation with the source material will have to save your breath. Among the numerous creative liberties, the Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson ) was never even seen in the comic book aside from his "Mickey Mouse" gloves. But we are not talking about whether the movie is true to its source, we are talking about the work on its own merit.

Gabriel Macht plays The Spirit, the masked, fedora donned crusader of Central City with an innate ability to heal from fatal wounds and escape the clutches of death (personified as a woman named Lorelei played by Jaime King). The Spirit attempts to foil and put an end to the criminal kingpin, The Octopus and his right hand woman, Silken Floss (Scarlett Johannson). While on the hunt for the Octopus, he must also contend with the return of Sand Saref (the "what-God-have-I-pleased?" Eva Mendes) a childhood love of the Spirit's true identity, Denny Colt, who is a renowned jewel thief. With the often-frustrating, but genuine support of Commissioner Dolan and the commish's daughter, Ellen, can the Spirit over come his emotions involving Sand, defeat the Octopus, and come to terms with the source of his powers?

Gabriel Macht is confusing as the Spirit. It's hard for me to judge his performance and line delivery since his character is so hard boiled yet his lines are so comical. I have a hard time figuring out how he delivered the line "I'm gonna kill you all sorts of dead" without a smirk on his face. It's not that he's not a capable actor, but with the material it's hard to tell what supposed to be a joke or what's supposed to be gritty.

All the women in the film are dressed in tight clothes, cleavage spilling and backsides peeking out under their skirts. Johannson's Floss is the most entertaining with her deadpan delivery and ridiculous outfits that make her look like the world's strictest, sexiest librarian. I'd pay the overdue fees gladly. Mendes does a decent job as Sand and the rest of the female cast deliver decent performances, but make no mistake, the women in this film are for image first and acting second. There is so much eye candy, your eyes will get diabetes.

The scene stealer is Sam Jackson, whose Octopus is Jules from Pulp Fiction with the volume and silliness turned up to the max. The outfits and the character's odd fascination with eggs are as gonzo as anything Hunter S. Thompson has ever experienced.

The real star of the film is none of the actors, but the CG and cinematography. The film is very artsy and an a visual orgy of distortion, faded colors, harsh black and white, soft lighting, and striking colors. By the trailers and everything else, it begs to be compared to Sin City in terms of the look and, quite frankly, it totally rips off the style, however there are scenes that splash with color. I'm just impressed that they were able to flow in color in and out so seamlessly that it doesn't take the audience out the film. It just fits.

To nit-pick, the dialogue is fairly corny and sounds like what Frank Miller would write if he was asked to make Sin City a comedy. The fight scenes are over the top and downright goofy which make you wonder what you were watching (Watch out for the toilet). Fans of comic books can definitely tell this has Miller's mark all over it due to his then-revolutionary-counter-comic-culture-now-geez-Frank-this-again sexy vixens, hardcore violence, and random Nazi paraphernalia. Comic fans will also enjoy certain references to the comic book culture (Miller acts in the beginning of the film and a truck reading "Ditko Deliveries" named after esteemed artist Steve Ditko frequents the movie). It's hard to discern the mood that Miller is trying to get by making such a dark looking film with moments of gritty inner monologues while contrasting it with the slapsticky fights and cheese.

Is it a good movie? No, but it's not a bad movie. If you want striking images and look at film as an artistic medium, The Spirit is a great film visually and shows how art and technology have truly intertwined. As a story, it's brainless and there is a lot of smiling and nodding with the plot. Is it fun? Well, it depends on your definition of fun. I can turn off my brain and enjoy the visuals, artistic or exploitive. If you can't, then it probably isn't for you.

Vacation...now what?

2008-12-27T18:48:00.000-08:00

So in a few weeks, I'm going on a short four day break... but I don't know what I should do with my time. So please comment, email, and facebook me any suggestions you may have. Two things though:

1. No suggestions regarding flying (can't afford a plane ticket right now)

2. No car trips longer than 2 1/2 hours.

So please, do give me some tips.

Merry Christmas...in January, February, March, etc.

2008-12-18T18:14:00.000-08:00

So I am working on Christmas and I won't be spending it with my family in Ohio, except possibly via Skype, but I'm not bothered by it. Christmas isn't a big deal.

Sure we spend it giving gifts to our friends...but we should do that when we want to make them special regardless of time of year.

We also spread the message of good cheer to our fellow man...but we can do that every day.

We like to participate in charities, toy drives, and food bank replenishings...but they need help 11 other months in the year.

We reconnect with various extended family members...which we could do with a phone call or scheduled visit.

We tell our immediate family members how much they matter to us...but we can and should do that daily.

We go out of our way as a community to provide fun activities for kids...which needs no provocation or reason.

We go to church...which could be a weekly instead of an annual tradition.

We celebrate the birth of Christ...which shouldn't be pigeonholed on December 25th and could be celebrated daily.

I guess my point is that Christmas is something that needs to be practiced and celebrated every day of the year and not just focused the period between Thanksgiving and New Years Day. Christmas should not be special. It should become ordinary. Imagine how the world would be when Christmas is something practiced so frequently that it is taken for granted.

So I wish you all a Merry Christmas...every day of the week.

Thoughts from a Hugger

2008-12-03T17:38:00.000-08:00

My name is Erik Barnes and I am a hugger. I'm not afraid to admit it. I hug indiscriminately. Relatives, women, men, kids, and sometimes strangers. I hug. It may not be macho, but it's me.

I like all kinds of hugs. The open armed embrace. The "bro-clasped-hands-pull-in" hug. The old friend embrace complete with the three-pat "I'm-not-gay" on the back. The tight, near-death clutch for when a person is depressed or leaving. The tight "welcome back" hug. The lovers' blanket. I've done them all and they are all special.

Is this important to me or merely a preference? After spending year in Florida, I've come to realize that hugs are not just important to me. I need them.

In Ohio growing up, my parents spoiled me with them. For every scraped knee, Christmas "thank you," hurt feeling, shared joy, crippling depression, or "just because" there was hug from both of them. It also expanded to my friends. Whenever dark secrets were told, embarrassing stories exposed, pains revealed, happy or sad tears are shed, or "come-here-you-big-lug" was uttered a hug wasn't too far behind.

But here? I've noticed myself change, as we all do. I found myself progressing and growing forward in positive directions, but still a little down a good chunk of the past year. Last week, one of my new friends surprised me with a hug. It felt...foreign. I liked it and welcomed it, but I didn't have human contact like that in so long that it was as if it was the first time.

For me, hugs are necessary. Obviously not make others uncomfortable or force it upon them, but they are necessary. I guess a hug is like an anchor for me. The person grabbing me is keeping me to the earth, preventing me from being drifted away due to my nearly endless thoughts, concerns, ideas, anxieties, worries, and guilt. The hug gives me pause, reflection, and lets me know that another person knows, understands, and wakes me from my murky gloom or adds to the joy I have. This non-verbal gesture says more than any written tongue can express. At least, that's why I hug other people and let others hug me.

People have their quirks. I guess that's one of mine.

Barnes at the Movies: 007: Quantum of Solace

2008-11-25T15:20:00.001-08:00

I have a heterosexual man-commitment towards James Bond. I dabble with Jack Bauer. I do flirt with the idea of John McClane. However, my hetero-heart belongs to 007. Therefore, whenever there is a Bond film, I am in the theater and I have great expectations. While the franchise has had its ups and downs, they aren't bad films. A bad Bond film usually beats a mediocre movie any day. Quantum of Solace isn't a bad movie nor is it the worst Bond movie. It was like a Bond girl: fun for the time being, but ultimately forgettable.

Quantum of Solace is a direct sequel to the rebooted Casino Royale, with Daniel Craig returning as 007. Bond, M (Judi Dench), and the rest of MI6 are trying to unfurl a secret criminal organization that is so well hidden that even members of MI6 are involved. Bond is still angry and brooding over the loss of his love from the previous film, Vesper, and his mouth testifies "business" while his actions scream "vengeance." While bodies lie in Bond's wake, there is the fear that he has gone rogue, with Bond investigating the true intentions of a non-profit environmental organization while being hunted by his employers.

Daniel Craig is a great Bond. Time will tell if he will be the best, but I put him at #3 behind Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan for now. While the point of the film was that Bond was trying to sequester his emotions to do his duty, I found that there were scenes in which Craig was too stone-faced. Many scenes looked liked he was bored, not being cool or cold. Judi Dench was great as the returning M and Jeffrey Wright was good returning as Bond's American ally, Felix Leiter. The performances overall were pretty good.

The story, however, left me wanting. I understand this is Bond's quest for revenge, but this wasn't a lot different than the Jason Bourne franchise. One of the things that separates the Bond franchise from other films in the genre are the quiet moments. Moments in which Bond is in a mind game with his opposition whether it'd be a card game, death trap, debate or whatever. This movie had none of those quiet moments and if they did, they were so short that one can miss them. The purpose of those moments is to appreciate the cerebral aspect of espionage and cleverness of Bond along with making the action scenes more memorable by spreading them out throughout the film.

However, if you are going to do nonstop action, at least shoot it and edit it well. The ideas behind the action scenes are pretty inventive (a gunfight on top of wiggly scaffolding? Cool!), but I hated how it was put together. There were many extreme close-ups, jump cuts, and shaky camerawork that it left the audience disoriented and confused.

Is that Bond's hand reaching for the gun? Was that the handbrake? Which color was Bond's car again? It left the audience thinking, "That was cool...what happened?" I know that intent was to make the audience feel like they were in the moment with the character, but all it does is make the audience try to decipher what just occurred and while they do that, they don't pay attention to the next course of action which makes them think that they missed something cool which makes them aggravated. Not that I'm nitpicking or venting.

That's not to say that I didn't like the movie. It was worth my money and my time, assuming this movie was a necessary step to let the Bond character grow for the next film. Bottom line: Quantum of Solace is a mediocre James Bond movie, but an awesome Jason Bourne film. I just hope that if a third Craig 007 movie is made that the camerawork would be less shaken and the plot more stirring.

Random Prediction: If they do decide to as "Q" as a character to the franchise reboot, I predict Simon Pegg will get the role.

Flashbacking

2008-11-16T18:39:00.000-08:00

It was one of my better summers. I was about to head into the 7th grade while she was about to be a freshman in high school. I first got to know her while working on school newspaper the previous year, exchanging friendly "hellos," "how's it goin's," and "did you see Seinfeld last nights?" She laughed at that cartoons I drew, so that was good enough for me. I figured she'd just be one of those school friends, the kind you hang out with during 7:45AM-2:32PM Monday through Friday except in the months of June, July, and August. It would be an epiphany for both of us that she lived a few streets down from me and also went to the community center swimming pool.

On a hot day, we got reacquainted there. The days that followed, we swam about, hung out, and talked at the pool. She'd occasionally want to lay out in the sun. I'd sometimes join her, having the dry, prickly grass poke through towel and scratch my back. Who was I kidding? With my skin type, I was just inviting melanoma. At the time though, I wouldn't have it any other way.

She was tall and slender with skin that was a caramel bronze and smooth to touch. Her eyes were a striking hazel and she had a pearly, toothy grin. She had a goofy but contagious laugh, which would include an embarrassing snort. It was my goal to make her snort every time we crossed paths.

The rest of the summer consisted of splashing in the pool, wrestling around, and games of chicken with other kids. My cross country coach happened to be the lifeguard and would jokingly call our playing "PDA" just to embarrass me. It worked.

Unfortunately, she had to move away to another school. Parents divorcing and custody battles tend to screw good things up. During the oncoming school year, we'd call each other from time to time, venting on crappy relationships, family issues, and the like. The following summer, she came back for a time to stay with her dad on her old street and she wanted to catch up. Hmph, she decided to wear her glasses. I don't remember what activity we did. Honestly, I don't think it matters.

It was dark and we hung out on my porch. She needed to get home. I walked her. We continued to talk until we got to the front of her house. I gave her a long hug and palmed her head. Her soft, pitch black hair slid between my fingers. She then moved in and our mouths met. It came out of left field, but I liked it.

Okay, this is good, really good, so good, don't be weird, don't be weird, don't be weird, don't be weird, okay, okay, okay, her tongue is in your mouth so I think that means yours needs at least meet her halfway, that's too far, TOO FAR, DON'T CHOKE HER, BACK OFF, there you go, okay, it seems silly to leave it there, maybe I need to rotate it, clockwise?, counterclockwise?, freestyle it is then, aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnddddd we're done.

She looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. She poked me in the belly, playfully teased me, and walked inside. My face was locked into a smile. We promised to stay in touch. As years passed, phone calls were less on both ends. After she graduated, she moved out of state to tour with her band and since I was still in high school, we ultimately lost touch. It's fine. It wouldn't of worked out well in the end anyway.

That's the story of my first kiss. I don't know why I blogged this nor do I think you'd care, but it might be an interesting story to read to kill time. I found it therapeutic to reminisce I guess. In any case, new movie reviews soon.

Barnes at the Movies: Zach and Miri Make a Porno

2008-11-12T17:54:00.000-08:00

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is film by cult favorite writer/director Kevin Smith of Clerks and Chasing Amy fame. After dabbling in various projects and revisiting old ground in Clerks 2, Smith weaned himself off familiar characters Jay and Silent Bob and the setting of New Jersey for frosty Pittsburgh and a new duo Zack (the now overexposed Seth Rogen) and Miri ("oh, yeah, that one girl from..."Elizabeth Banks). Zack and Miri are lifelong friends, first meeting in grade school, living together in a beat-up apartment. When financial duress and overdue bills pile up to the point that electricity and water are shut off, they search for methods to get rich quick before they become homeless. The solution? Make a porno and sell it to their old high school classmates from the alumni mailing list.

As expected from the title, the movie contains copious amounts of frontal nudity, backal nudity, upwards nudity, downwards nudity, and sideways nudity. Fortunately, no inside-out nudity or else it'd be rated NC-17...or be a PBS educational film. However with the all the nakedness and language that'd make R. Lee Ermey pee himself, there lies a sweet, complicated love story. As the moment comes when Zack and Miri have sex for the first time ever (on camera, no less), it becomes apparent that while they intended on "fucking for money" they ended up making love.

Rogen within most of his films seems to play the exact same character to the point of exhaustion. I cannot distinguish Zack from Dale Denton (Pineapple Express) or Ben Stone (Knocked Up) in any way aside from their names. That being said, Rogen does Zack justice being able to emote proper restrained anger and sadness when needed. The guy shows that he can act, but it always takes a back seat to him shooting off ab-libbed one liners.

Elizabeth Banks does a great job as Miri, a beautiful tomboy. She does well playing off the close, platonic friend (take it from me, it's a situation that I have great familiarity with), however she didn't win me over until one pivotal scene in which she hands Zack over on a silver platter to her porno co-star Stacey (Katie Morgan).

The real stand-out in the movie is Craig Robinson (Darryl from the warehouse in The Office). I don't know if it's because of his great comedic delivery or that he got better material than most of the cast, but he sticks out and it's not because he's the only black man in the film. As Delaney, he was able to both be comical and issue some grand knowledge on our young Zack.

Rounding out the main cast is current porn actress Katie Morgan as the dim Stacey and former porn icon Traci Lords as appropriately named Bubbles, along with Smith's mainstay actors Jeff Anderson and Jason Mewes as Deacon and Lester. Nothing much to be said about the porn actresses since they are essentially playing themselves but dimmer. Nothing much said about Anderson since he's essentially playing Randal from Clerks as an amateur cameraman. Nothing much for Mewes since he's pretty much playing Jay from previous movies only without the long hair and weed references.

Smith himself has stated that he isn't much of cinematographer and nothing has really changed in that direction. However, he did rise to the occasion in two pivotal scenes: when Zack and Miri make love and when Miri hands Zack over with great close ups and pacing of the shots, but the actors' performances gave the shots a huge assist.

Overall, I enjoyed Z&M. As a comedy it falls short of big belly laughs resulting from typical "dick and fart jokes" Smith usually places in the dialogue of his films, but as a crude, off-beat romance it does very well for me. While if you were ask me to present a better comedy from Smith, I'd side with his much older works. Also, if you were to ask me to present a better romance from him, I'd suggest Chasing Amy. In the long run though, Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a good addition to Smith's filmography, due to the familar-to-us-but-usually-sugar-coated-in-movies relationship between the main characters, but falls short of being a stand-out in his body of work. So if you like Smith's past stuff and aren't bothered by naked people, check it out. If you are bothered by it, then you probably already made up your mind not to see it based on the title of the film alone.

Barnesharmonymatch.com.org.tv : President Andrew

2008-11-11T09:36:00.000-08:00

Future President Andrew Stewart is a grand gentleman, full of gumption and drive. He is a dedicated conservative, serving the RNC and assisting the Bush administration. That is not to say that he is a blind follower, he creates his own opinions or reasons. Even if you do not agree with his viewpoint, any argument he makes is valid and educated. While usually a quiet man, he possesses a grand wit and is a great conversationalist once you get to know him. Karl Rove swore at him and President Bush gave him a pep talk. He has great ambition and puts full effort into everything he does. He's a fun guy and a handsome man at that. So if any female out there has any aspirations to become a First Lady in their lifetime, I guide you toward our future President Elect Andrew Stewart.

For Jenny Taylor

2008-11-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

Jenny,
I haven't seen it, but by most reviews, Role Models looks to be a type of flick you would like. I liked Zack and Miri Make a Porno (check out a review later) but I'm not sure it's your cup of tea. Peace.

Junk Drawer/A Little Help

2008-11-08T17:45:00.000-08:00

Hey all.
I wanted to write a blog today, but...I'm drawing a blank. I like doing the movie reviews, but I don't want to turn this blog into solely that. I just don't know what to write about aside from random thoughts, rants/lists. So ask you, my reading audience, please either via email or the comments section give me topics to write about or what you'd like my opinion on. I know that there are more people that read this blog than comment on it, so please stop being quiet about it and shoot me a response in some way. Even you don't have any suggestions, send me something to know if you are still reading this blog if for no reason than to have me acknowledge that you are still alive.
I await any and all feedback. Have a list of randomness:
- I miss MST3K.
- I can't wait until after the first 100 days of the Obama administration to see if the honeymoon period with the media is over.
- My job is making me bored, doesn't provide much, and doesn't allow much of a social life. Therefore, pray for all these things.
- I need a better creative outlet since many comedy clubs and open mics are closing up shop down here.
- Every time I see President Bush on TV talking, his mind is actually saying, "Two more months, two more months, two more months..."
- Every time I see a member of the news media or comedy circuit see/talk about Bush, their brains are actually saying, "Two more months, two more months, two more months..."
- A saw a commercial featuring a couple in their 60's getting married in a park. The product? Depends. That's when my brain exploded into macaroni salad within the serving bowl that is my skull. Which begs the question that I ask you, my readers, what brand of diaper would you wear to your wedding?
- I'd like to have a dog, but I don't have the money or the time to properly take care of it.
- So many people my age are having kids (on purpose!). I love kids, but in your 20's? Whatever works for you, I guess.
- I never realized how hard it is to find good wrestling fan friends. Many people who I run into are a) hard to converse with because they think it's real/are really drunks in disguise or b) hard to converse with because they pick apart the product to the point that they aren't enjoying themselves and it kills the mood. To give a more broader perspective, it's like finding a good film friend to watch good movies with: there are some who don't want to watch Citizen Kane because they are all about the Good Burger and then there those who believe if it isn't directed by Lars Von Trier then it is shit.

That's it for now. Peace.

Compartmentalizing my Mini-Vacation

2008-10-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

I have a mini-vacation coming up due to that I need to use up my vacation days before the new year (they don't carry over) and I know that I won't be able to use them during sweeps and the holidays. I figured that I'd get some stuff done/fun during my four day weekend. In lieu of a day planner, I'll just use this blog space.

Saturday, October 25th
10:00am- Get free from work.
11:30am- Get last minute items.
12:30pm-4:00pm- Eat and nap.
4:00pm- 6:30pm- Last minute cleaning.
7:00pm- ?- Bru-ha-ha.

Sunday, October 26th
8:00am- Wake up in order to work out.
8:01am- "Who am I kidding?"
10:30am- Actually getting out of bed with the intention of working out.
10:35am- Realize that I need breakfast, cooking some, wolf it down, and realize that I need to wait an hour for digestion.
11:40am-2:30pm- Working out.
3:30pm- Reading comics, writing comedy, drinking coffee at a cafe.
4:30pm- Cross out any comedy ideas that I have second thoughts about, call my brothers.
5:45pm- Go to MovieStop and make an exchange for new (at least to me) movies.
7:30pm- Go to Hooters, ignore the hooligans, tolerate the food, being extra patient with the wait staff, and enjoying WWE Cyber Sunday while calling Cincy buds.
11:30pm- Arrive home and go to sleep.

Monday, October 27th
8:00am- Wake up and work out for real.
11:00am- Go to Coldstone and get a pint of a customized flavor and get some Yuengling beer.
11:30am-2:00pm- Cook and eat breakfast while writing my script.
2:00pm-4:00pm- Explore other opportunities.
4:00pm-5:00pm- Send a mass email update and email my anchor friend, Raoul.
5:00pm-8:00pm- Have dinner, watch Fox shows online that I missed from the night before.
9:00pm- Watch WWE RAW while taping Heroes.
11:08pm- Watch the taped Heroes.
12:00am- Download Wrestling Observer Radio and fall asleep listening to it.

Tuesday, October 28th
8:30am-11:30pm- Wake up, download Wrestling Observer Radio and the Bryan and Vinny Show onto my MP3 player, and work out.
11:30am-11:48am Go to Autozone and find out what's broken in my car (it takes 1-9 attempts to start it).
11:49am-12:00pm- Cuss and not get it fixed because I can't afford it.
12:30pm- Explore opportunities. Realize that they are still harping on the Last Comic Sitting contest at the Why Not Lounge and decide not to go this week because I wouldn't get on stage until probably 11:30pm.
2:30pm- 4:00pm- Write some of my script.
4:00pm- 4:29pm- Order a Papa John's Pizza with a side of bacon cheesy bread.
4:30pm- 11:59pm- Gorge on pizza, beer, and ice cream while having a Kurosawa one-two punch viewing of Seven Samurai and Yojimbo.
12:00am- Bed.

Wednesday, Oct. 29th
8:30am- 12:00pm- Breakfast and work out.
12:30pm-3:29pm- Make a lunch, get a book, get my comedy notebook, and go to Loch Haven park to read, write, eat, and meditate.
3:30pm-4:29pm- Head home to beat traffic.
4:30pm- ?- Nap, dinner, and putz around the internet before bed.

Thursday, Oct. 30th
3:15am- Get up and get back to work.

Barnes at the Movies: W.

2008-10-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

"What'd you think?"
"I liked it."
"Me too."
"It didn't really bash Bush."
"I know, he was a goof at some points, but not a total moron. I'm pleasantly surprised."
"Actually, it made me feel sorry for the guy."

That exchange was between me and one of my co-worker friends (who is a hardcore Obama supporter) after we saw the film, W. I include this exchange because I think it best describes what the film's depiction of our 43rd president was all about. However, I believe that the film will still get flack from both sides of the party line. Many republicans will hate the film because they think the president was depicted as too much of a buffoon. Numerous democrats will criticize the film because they'll feel that the movie sympathizes with Bush too much and doesn't portray him as an evil idiot. In the film a young Laura Bush (Elizabeth Banks) tells W. (Josh Brolin) when they first meet that he's "a devil in a white hat." Not pure good. Not pure evil. Sounds like a human, doesn't it?

I was curious to see this movie because of three reasons. One, Oliver Stone's past conspiracy-laced films (JFK anyone?) intrigued me to see how biased he'd portray one of the most polarizing presidents in recent history. Two, with the correct makeup, Josh Brolin looked so much like W. that it creeps me out. And three, unless I am mistaken, this is the first film about a president being released while still being in office. Curiousity had beaten my wallet.

W. follows the adult life of our current president, George W. Bush, Jr., going from his college days to weeks after the "Mission Accomplished" speech on the aircraft carrier following the successful occupation of Iraq. The character of W. is toiling with what to do with his life while not getting the best grades and engaging in rowdy drinking. While struggling with his alcoholism, Jr. is trying to juggle the problems of trying to win the favor of George "Poppy" Bush, Sr. (James Cromwell), competing for parental affection with his more scholastic brother, Jeb, and trying to live up to the high standards that the Bush family clings to. We see George W. Bush struggle and grow from being "Junior" to "W." to "Mr. President."

The depiction of W. is a man of simple pleasures, simple desires, simple education, and poor speaking skills with big ambition, never back down attitude, and big faith. In any other family, this W. would be on the ranch during the day, drink beer all night, and fish on the weekends when not making time with the missus rather than be a politician. In fact, he'd be much happier that way. The crux of the film is that W. is a man that didn't know what he wanted as a young man, tried to live up to his family's idea of what success is rather than finding his own definition, and finding himself in over his head and unhappy when he rises to the top. All of this while trying to do what he thinks is the right thing and what God wants him to do.

The plot is about George W. Bush, the man. The Iraq conflict and 9/11 are referenced, but are backdrops not plot points. The snafus during the 2000 election aren't referenced at all. This movie is not focused on his politics. It focused on the man. That's why I liked it. It didn't preach loudly towards the right or left.

Josh Brolin does a fantastic job as the president and deserves an Oscar. His portrayal is dead-on in both delivery and even body movement. When W. is supposed to be charming and befuddled, he does it well without going into a cartoony-SNL-sketch comedy vein. When W. is supposed to be serious and smart, he pulls it off and makes it believable.

The rest of Bush's inner circle are portrayed very well. Jeffrey Wright's Colin Powell comes off looking like a hero and makes the audience wonder "why didn't he run for president." If there are any villains in this film it would arguably be Scott Glenn's Donald Rumsfeld, but definitely Richard Dreyfuss' Dick Cheney. In many scenes, Cheney is depicted as cold, manipulative and the little devil whispering in W.'s ear while the angel on W.'s other shoulder stutters.

The soundtrack and look of the film do it justice. Nothing dark and dreary, nothing goofy. It all fits the mood. There are parts in which we laugh at W. (remember when he choked on a pretzel?), but ultimately the audience will look at Bush as not an evil mastermind nor a great man. Not a pure idiot, not good stock from an affluent American family. Just a...human. This human just happens to be the president. The focus of the next generation is to surpass the previous ones, sons to surpass their fathers. This one did what he could to do that, but was ultimately unhappy.

So check out it. It won't share space on my DVD shelf once it leaves theaters, but it is good story. Fact? Debatable. Story? Definitely.

What? WHAT?

2008-10-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

Really? I'm intrigued, but...really?

An Open Letter to Those Who Lead Contemporary Worship at Church

2008-10-06T17:14:00.001-07:00

Dear Worship Leader(s),
Don't take this as an attack, but there are many things that you might be doing that throw off/put off people when they come to worship God. Here are a few notes, which may or may not apply to you:
1. Your mic does not need to be that loud. When you belt out the high notes you are drowning out everything else and (if you are female) you are killing my eardrums. Yahweh no longer requires blood sacrifices, especially trickling from human orifices.
2. WE are singing. WE. ALL OF US. You are privileged and given the awesome honor to lead all of us in praising God. We are not here to see your concert.
3. When you have a giant projection with the lyrics of the song on the wall it is totally unnecessary to quickly, verbally announce the upcoming verse before singing it while in song. Example: A-ma-zing grace, how-sweet-the-sound, how-swee-t the sound, that-saved-a-wretch, that say-ved a wretch, etc. We know how to read and it disrupts the flow.
4. It is unnecessary to stretch a four minute song to ten minutes. It's not just a time thing, but after repeating the same chorus over and over it turns from an intentional thought of praise to God into a mindless mantra we chant while wondering where to go out to eat after the service.
5. Stop playing U2 songs. I do like some of them, but they were never meant to be praise music. Either that or give equal time to other mainstream bands with spiritual material. I have a couple of metal/hard rock songs in mind if you want suggestions. Otherwise, lose them.
6. Does the male worship leader have to sing tenor? And play an acoustic guitar? Nothing against those guys personally, but it'd be less homogenized to see the baritone drummer or harmonica player take the lead sometime. I'd like to match notes with the guy, not feel like I'm trying to mimic Jack Johnson.
7. Don't be afraid of silence. Maybe tell the band that prayer time doesn't always need a soundtrack behind it.

Thank you for your consideration and correction. Or thank you for praying for my, probably according to some of you, "bitter and unenlightened soul."

Peace.

Random Thoughts Since 90% of My Blogs the Past Four Months Are Really Movie Reviews

2008-10-01T20:32:00.001-07:00

- My new favorite debate show is Lewis Black's Root of All Evil.
- You will have to bribe me in order to go to the Holy Land Experience.
- I need to save money for a plane ticket to Japan.
- I need to save money for a plane ticket to California.
- I need to save money for a new computer.
- I need to save money.
- Or I need a better job.
- I need to investigate any Bible studies at my church.
- I need to attend services at my church.
- Fix the economy please.
- If I had the Hulk-like strength, I would powerbomb my car for all the frustration and wallet eating it has done the past month.
- I've never been so happy with politics then when Jim Lehrer forced both candidates to talk to each other as opposed to delivering speeches in front of each other like they did in the 2004 and 2000 debates.
- I said Sarah Palin looked like Tina Fey a two days before the press and SNL did.
- I need to finish my script.
- I never realized how disinterested I am in watching sports on TV.
- If I didn't have cable included with my regular rent, I wouldn't have it. I'd be able to watch all my shows on the internet...which oddly, is what I end up doing anyway.
- Every time I see President Bush on TV he looks like he is just repeating, "Only four more months to go, only four more months to go," in an endless cycle in his head.
- I wish I was back in Ohio just so I can register to vote and vote at the same time.
- I can't believe I just said, "I wish I was back in Ohio." *disclaimer- this excludes statements that have to do with visitation with family/friends.

Barnes at the Movies: Choke

2008-10-01T18:44:00.000-07:00

Choke is a dark comedy based on the the novel by Chuck Palahniuk. Choke follows Victor (Sam Rockwell) a recovering sex addict that works at a colonial theme park. Victor's mother (Anjelica Huston) lives at a pricey hospital, suffering from Alzheimers, and in order to pay the bills Victor goes to fancy restaurants and intentionally chokes on the food in order to be rescued by a rich person and con them into giving him money. Victor's problems explode when he finds out that his mother has been keeping a secret regarding his birth.

Sam Rockwell does a great job as Victor. He's good at being the asshole that Victor is and yet is able to pull off the sincere, likeable moments of Victor. This man needs to be prominent in more movies and his rapport with critics is similar to Paul Giamatti's swooning of critical masses six years ago. He's going to get noticed by more people sooner or later. Huston is wonderful as Victor's loving, but disturbed mom. She does a great job making the audience love her, but make them frustrated with her parental choices...in fact, the audience feels the same way about her as Victor does.

Choke's cinematography and dialogue make it a great work of film art. The film's mood is funny and dark. It makes you laugh, but laugh uncomfortably. After laughing at certain moments in this film, I wondered if I wrote my own ticket to hell. The story is weird, twisted, yet surprisingly heartwarming. Don't get me wrong, if you are bothered by sexual content and the f-bomb, then stay away. Otherwise, check it out.

Barnes at the Movies: Tropic Thunder

2008-10-01T17:53:00.000-07:00

I know that I'm over two months too late and most people have either seen this movie or gave it a pass, but you can check it out in the cheap-o theater (like I did) or on DVD in a couple months or so if you haven't seen it.

Tropic Thunder is a movie about the making of a movie. Ben Stiller plays an action movie star in the vein of Stallone/Ah-Nold whose career is floundering due to waning interest in the fourth installment of his action film franchise and a stinker performance as a mentally challenged boy in his last film. He is joined by an Australian, multi-Oscar winner (*cough* Russel Crowe *cough*) played by Robert Downey Jr., whose character undergoes a controversial surgery to turn his skin color from white to black for his upcoming role. They are joined by a drug addled, flatulence based comedian played by Jack Black that is definitely the imaginated love child of Chris Farley and Eddie Murphy. The three are cast in the Vietnam bio-pic, "Tropic Thunder," based upon a book by a 'Nam vet played by Nick Nolte. When the film is having trouble completing, it is decided that the movie be shot in thick jungles of Vietnam with hidden cameras. Hilarity ensues when the actors confuse a Vietnamese drug cartel as actors.

Tropic Thunder hits every note of what it is trying to spoof and satirize. There are many direct and subtle references to Vietnam war films like Platoon and Apocalypse Now in both dialogue and cinematography. The jokes are good and funny. The ha-ha's are not for everyone in that they are far from politically correct (Downey is in blackface after all and it does poke fun at the mentally challenged) and that there are buckets of blood and gore used for comedic effect. One out of every seven celebrities are in this movie, including a lot of people who probably wouldn't be involved in a comedy like this.

I enjoy Ben Stiller as a director and writer, but he essentially plays one of two characters in every movie. He is either an Nacissistic, healthnut idiot (Dodgeball, Zoolander) or a calm, nice, awkward fellow who later in the movie breaks into funny fits of rage (Meet the Parents, The Heartbreak Kid). In this movie, he's the former. It's a good performance, but I've seen it too many times. Jack Black is funny, but overshadowed by Stiller and Downey. He has great comedy potential, but he didn't seem to put a lot of effort into the performance. Downey stole the show with his great delivery, facials, and accents.

Tropic Thunder was the best comedy this summer, which isn't saying much for comedies in the summer of 2008. However, standing alone, the movie is a good, entertaining comedy that will provide good amounts of R-rated fun, but won't share space on the "Best Comedies" shelf alongside Dr. Strangelove, Young Frankenstein, and Airplane. Rent it when it's on DVD and get a few giggles.

However, in the movie's defense, it did make me hate Tom Cruise a little bit less.

Fall Films I'm Going to Watch

2008-09-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

Appaloosa- Ed Harris and Aragorn from Lord of the Rings as cowboys? Sold. Renee Zellweger...well, I'm still gonna watch it.

Righteous Kill- The film might be fifteen years too late, I still want to see Al Pacino and Robert De Niro as two hardened NYC detectives.

Miracle at St. Anna- This seems to be a different Spike Lee joint as he tells the story about an all black American battalion trapped in a Tuscan village during WWII.

Choke- I loved the book by Chuck Paluhniak (the guy who wrote Fight Club) and the previews lead me to believe that this will be an entertaining, disturbing treat. I'm sure no one else in Florida would go see this film with me.

The Lucky Ones- Three strangers, all who happen to be US soldiers, are forced to share a rental car across the country as they resolve each of their personal missions.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist- A young man asks a stranger to pretend to be his girlfriend to feel less awkward around his ex-gf. However, when his faux girlfriend's drunken companion ends up missing, the two scramble across NYC to find her. Seems like a good date movie.

Religulous- Asshole comedian Bill Maher's documentary regarding faith in today's society. I'm intrigued to see if Maher has any good points to make or is just mocking people to feed his ego. It's directed by the same guy who did Borat, so I think it would end up being entertaining if nothing else.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People- Simon Pegg burns every bridge he's ever built while working for a New York magazine. Based upon the memoirs of a former writer for Vanity Fair.

RocknRolla- Guy Ritchie + Gerard Butler + British underground = Gonna Watch It.

W.- It's Oliver Stone, so I expect some conspiracy and mistruth thrown into the story, but I want to see his take on our 43rd president. Plus, in the posters Josh Brolin looks so much like Bush it's creepy.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno- Kevin Smith's newest flick looks to be crass, funny, but heartwarming in this story about two platonic, longtime friends who make a porno in order to solve their financial problems.

007: Quantum of Solace- It's a James Bond movie. Sold.

Transporter 3- Same stuff, different movie, will watch it anyway because I like Jason Statham.

Now, the movie I am looking forward to the most this fall:

The Wrestler- Finally, a movie featuring professional wrestling that isn't a comedy. Not only that IT DOESN'T PORTRAY WRESTLING AS A REAL SPORT! I'm sick of films either insulting the movie audience's intelligence by making the world of wrestling "real" or insulting fans of wrestling by portraying them in the movie as idiots who buy into the fantasy. Darren Aronofsky, the man that directed the most depressing (in a good way) film I have ever seen Requiem for a Dream wrote and directed a film about a fictional aging 80's wrestling icon, Randy "The Ram" Robinson (played by Sin City's Marv, Mickey Rourke) a beaten, broken has-been who once was a great wrestling champion now struggling to stay in the spotlight in the independent wrestling scene. As he continues to abuse his body for the art that he loves, he tries to make amends with his lesbian daughter while courting an aging stripper (Marissa Tomei). The movie has already won many accolades at the Toronto Film Festival and may influence many non-wrestling fans on what current pro-wrestling is and the problems the industry and its performers face. Rourke has mentioned on how he has spoken to Greg "The Hammer" Valentine as a reference to his character which seems to have a life that is a mix of Hulk Hogan and Jake "The Snake" Roberts with The Ultimate Warrior's physique. I hope this movie will spearhead a change the wrestling industry for the better, not by exploiting the dark underbelly of it, but shedding light on flaws that need to be addressed. I know that I'm gonna Fandango the tickets as soon it's released country wide.

Peace out.

Barnes at the Movies: Burn After Reading

2008-09-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

Burn After Reading is the latest film from the Brothers Coen after their uber-successful No Country for Old Men and it goes back to the Coen's love of quirky, "wha-huh?" comedic storytelling than drama.

A CD containing the memoirs of a recently fired CIA agent fall into the hands of two air-headed gym employees. Hilarity and grand misunderstanding ensues.

Burn After Reading is a great dark comedy. Much of the plot and feeling of the film is like a previous Coen Bros.' favorite, Blood Simple, but with a more wacky and light filter to it. There are moments in which you need to look around you and ask yourself, "If I laugh at this, does it make me a bad person?"

John Malkovich angry is funnier than it should be. George Clooney and Brad Pitt are goofy as hell which is refreshing since they are casted against their usual type of "sexy-cool man." Tilda Swinton is more of the White Witch in this film than she was in Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Frances McDormand does a grand performance as our quirky, misguided personal trainer.

J.K. Simmons' role as the CIA big-wig is great in that he reacts to the film's story like many of the movie goers would. The plot in this film circles around and around. Like other Coen films such as The Big Lebowski, as soon as you think you have a handle on the plot you lose it.

Bottom line: if you know the Coens and like their other stuff, this should be up your alley. If you don't know, give it a shot. However, if you don't like being jolted around and prefer a standard, smooth story with a sense of closure then you probably should venture elsewhere.

Barnes at the Movies: Hamlet 2

2008-09-21T14:29:00.000-07:00

Okay. I know this review is late, but it's because I did not feel like writing it. It's not worth it. Don't get me wrong, Hamlet 2 isn't the worst movie ever made. I don't think it's god awful. I feel that the movie is just like me writing this review...unnecessary.

Steve Coogan plays a failed actor turned drama teacher to a class full of street wise toughs. When he is informed that the theatre program is going to be cut due to costs, he writes and directs an unusual sequel to Hamlet that involves time travel, sex, and Jesus Christ with the class portraying the roles and doing the set design. After getting wind of the play's existence, it draws the ire of the public who threaten to shut the play down.

I'm not going to into individual performances because all the key actors are usually good, but seem to have been phoning it in this time around. Except for Elisabeth Shue who plays...well, Elisabeth Shue. The jokes are tired, tired, tired. I know that in Get Smart there were recycled gags from other films, but they at least put an original spin or tweak to make them their own. Hamlet 2 doesn't even try. The film's core audience are supposed to be shocked and appalled by the content, but the jokes seemed to be cut and pasted from various South Park scripts from three to five years ago.

Spoofing on Jesus has been done so much the past few years that even the most hardcore evangelicals don't even get annoyed by it anymore. It's not offensive because the line was already crossed to the point of being blurred away and it's not funny because we've already heard it before and better. It's like listening to that one douchebag at work do an entire Dane Cook comedy bit verbatim.

The pacing of the film was confusing. It seemed so slow, but the character development was WAY TOO FAST. It was like seeing an infant turn 34 years old within seconds while watching as a being outside of time. Much like Yahweh, "a day seems like a 1,000 years and a 1,000 years a day" when watching this movie.

That's enough. You get the point. Don't bother watching it. You've either already seen it or would be bored.

Don't Forget

2008-09-11T04:55:00.000-07:00

Do something today to show your appreciation to the local police department, fire department, and your neighbor. NYC and everyone else needed all three elements to pick ourselves up after 9/11. Those relationships need to be nurtured. Hopefully for nothing like what happened that day, but we need to stand together. Peace.

Barnes at the Movies: Pineapple Express

2008-09-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to do this review for a while, but I was delayed due to a trip to Ohio, Tropical Storm Fay coverage here in Orlando, moving to a new apartment, and dealing with bullshit regarding my car and computers among other frustrations. But enough about me.

Pineapple Express is the latest comedy from the Apatow clan and is this summer's stoner comedy. Seth Rogen plays Dale Denton, a court-process clerk with a girlfriend still in high school and a strong affection for weed. Dale visits his dealer, Saul (James Franco), and purchases this new, exclusive bud called Pineapple Express. After the purchase and a little taste of it, Dale witnesses a cop killing by a drug lord and drops his roach en route to an escape. The drug lord (Bill Lumbergh himself, Gary Cole)picks up the joint and recognizes the weed being his exclusive Pineapple Express and goes on a hunt to get anyone with contact with the weed to kill off any potential witnesses.

Pineapple Express as a comedy is definitely not one of the best. A good stoner comedy is one that mainstream audiences can enjoy but potheads will appreciate more since they identify with the culture (I give you Half Baked as an example). This film is one that potheads would like, but those who don't pray to the Gods of Ganja will leave the theater with a slight "meh." The jokes are either not over-the-top enough to work or non-existent. The funniest part of the film is a long fight scene inside a California home and even I don't recall a distinctive part of it.

The mood of the film is confusing. It is a comedy, but there are so many scenes with gunfights and serious action that an average film goer might think they are watching outtakes from Bad Boys II. There is blood and serious drama so the movie has a hard time deciding what it's goal is. I assume that the serious, straight delivery was used in order to achieve comedic effect (think Airplane), but it goes too serious and thus no laughs achieved.

Seth Rogen is essentially playing the same character he was in Knocked Up, except without the audience rooting for him to grow up and be a man. This sucks because I think Rogen has the ability to do other characters but just chooses not to.

James Franco does a great job as Saul. While a dirty, dingy, dumb drug dealer (say that three times fast), the audience can enjoy his good-natured attitude and the love of his grandmother. Franco also does a good job of making the most of the mediocre material he was given. Since he is a pretty boy in most of the films he's been in, it's refreshing to see him cast against his type.

Gary Cole's character of Ted Jones, drug lord, was so underutilized that it's a crime. His screen time was minimal as was his love connection to a corrupt cop (Rosie Perez). I spent most of the movie wanting to know what they were doing while watching Rogen and Franco run around.

Technically the film looks good, but when watching a comedy everyone pays attention to the jokes and the story rather than the cinematography. As long as you don't make a scene too dark or overblown with light than you have done your job. They did their job here.

I guess with Pineapple Express, the verdict would be this: Seth Rogen has done better movies worth renting in the past and there are better pothead comedies worth renting as well. May I suggest Half Baked, Dazed and Confused, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and anything with Cheech and Chong in it. Pineapple Express is just like a night full of marijuana: an experience that no one will remember.

New Blog! From Me! Read It!

2008-09-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

Along with this randomly-write-whatever-I-feel-like blog, I have started a new blog for people to read. It's called Pop Culture Religion and you can access it via the link on the side of this blog or at http://popculturereligion.blogspot.com/

Check it out. Have fun. More later this week.

Florida: Year One

2008-08-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

At midnight tonight, I will have celebrated one full year of residing in Florida. Time has surely flown and much has happened. I moved to four separate residences, had three part time jobs, finally got a full time job in my field, did stand-up comedy in front of my largest audience since I debuted in Cincinnati, had my heart destroyed...again, made a couple of friends, took up a martial art, met two pro wrestling icons, attended a historic pro wrestling event, ate the biggest burger I've ever had, suffered great frustration, immense loneliness, and every day wake with a sense of "where-do-I-go-from-here?".

Things that I will do during my next year in Florida:
- Win a sparring match in Muay Thai.
- Get 30 minutes of killer comedy material.
- Finish my feature length film script (World War 2.5!)
- Do a short film with people from work.
- Find a job that will allow me to learn more and explore creatively.
- Fly to California to visit contacts...and maybe find work there.
- If given the finances, save for pro wrestling school.
- Become faster than I was in 2002 and stronger than I was in 2006.
- Write an average of at least one blog a week.
- As much as I hate it...I'll start dating *groan*.

That's it for now.

Stuff to look forward to on my blog the next couple days:
- Movie reviews of Pineapple Express and Hamlet 2
- A new, ongoing feature that I call Pop Culture Religion.

Peace.

My First Day of Muay Thai

2008-08-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

Definition: Muay Thai, literally "Thai Boxing," is a form of martial art practiced in many South Asian countries and is Thailand's national sport. Muay Thai implements hands, elbows, shins, and knees which is why it is also called "The Art of the Eight Limbs."

So I need another way to let off some steam and get a good workout that is more than just lifting heavy things, so I looked up a dojo called "The Elite Fighting Academy" here in Orlando. They teach Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Capoeira, MMA, and Muay Thai, so I checked it out. The cheapest classes/training sessions available that worked into my work schedule was Muay Thai, so I decided to take the courses. I also decided to take it since I already had some knowledge of grappling (amateur wrestling) and I wanted to get a good cardio workout.

There is also something inside that just wanted to know if I could still take a punch, take a kick, and be able to deliver a solid strike in return. It's not that I want to injure anyone or am bloodthirsty, it's just something I'm compelled to find out; to test my physical prowess, match myself against my fellow man, and test my pain threshold in a "civilized" fashion. In Sam Sheridan's book, A Fighter's Heart, he discusses how man deep inside has a primal part of him that is the survival instinct; fight or flight. That there is a desire and need to confirm that if necessary, he can physically overcome any predator or threat. The part that screams in victory, "I WILL NOT BE EATEN TODAY!" I wanted to test my limits and train myself in that fashion. To fill that drive and pseudo-psychological need.

That and I also wanted to make some new friends outside of work.

So I walk into my first session in gym shorts and t-shirt. The instructor told that I would have to eventually purchase kick pads for my shins, hand wraps, and gloves in order to protect myself and others. I was given a pair of "loaner" gloves (complete with a gaping hole at the wrist in the left handed glove) and we got started. We did a lot of running, jumping jacks, and push-ups to warm up. I was proud that while I was the last in line, I wasn't lagging too far behind the little guys that were half my size and had great lung capacity.

The class size was small. There were three men easily shorter than 5'10", but built like they were carved out of oak. There was also a bright-eyed sixteen year old boy who was slightly taller than the other three, a little lanky and scrawny, but was able to stay in step with them. I figured I would easily be the largest man there at 6'4" and 270 lbs. I was wrong.

Due to my inexperience and size, I was paired up with a large man named T'Chaka. T'Chaka was 6'6" and easily weighed over probably about a me and a half. I would come to find out while practicing combinations and sparring with him that T'Chaka had been fighting in amateur circuits for over a decade in other disciplines, but was still a novice in Muay Thai. He was born and raised in Alaska and revealed to me that he was a graduate at the University of Dayton after he saw my Ohio University gym bag.

That's the weird and cool thing about fighting in a dojo. This large man kicked my thighs to the point that I had large purple bruises, Charlie horses, Willie ponies, and Johnny mustangs aching on my legs. He also had some free shots to my face. In Muay Thai training, the strikes are not at 100% but the speed and power are at a still threatening, painful 60%. I got a few shots in as well, but I sucked and because I didn't own any kickpads and neither did T'Chaka, my shins were bruising and killing me due to striking and blocking with them. T'Chaka knew what he was doing due to his experience edge. If it were a real fight, my legs would be obliterated at the knees and I would be vomiting up my teeth. To the layman, we should be rivals and shy away from each other except to fight/train; him being angry because I tagged him or me being angry because he owned me. Instead, we opened up and instantly became friends because of mutual respect along with challenging each other.

That's why many times in the Ultimate Fighting Championship and other violent sports, the victor hugs or thanks their opponent. There is a bond formed. For the victor it is "Thank you for giving your all to test me" proving that for today I will not be eaten in the wild. For the loser it is "Thank you for pushing me to be better" to learn my mistakes so I will not be eaten next time.

But enough philosophy.

I enjoyed my time despite my pain and soreness. I will go again and get better, get stronger, make more bonds, meet more people, make more friends in combat and hopefully just life as whole. I will become a better man physically, mentally, spiritually. I WILL NOT BE EATEN TODAY! I WILL EAT YOU!

Hacksaw Put Me Over

2008-07-30T06:43:00.000-07:00

So the other night I called and spoke with my brother-from-another-mother, Rich, who is as big of a wrestling fanboy dork as I am. We were reminiscing while watching Monday Night RAW on our respective TV's in Orlando and Athens. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan was on TV (who always entertains me by his goofball antics, chants of "U-S-A!", and the fact his name is "Hacksaw" but he carries a 2x4 wooden board instead of the cutting implement) about to wrestle and we discussed about the time we shared a beer with him at a tavern after an independent wrestling show a few years ago.

Rich and I walked in the bar and many wrestlers from the show were there. They were all very friendly and cordial, especially since Rich and I just had regular "bar-talk" instead of the typical "remember back in when you were in WWE" talk that they usually get from fans. We sat at the bar and spoke with good ol' "Hacksaw" for a few minutes. He was a jolly gentleman and had the thickest pair of glasses I have ever seen. I think they were made out of 4-inch thick bulletproof glass. He politely excused himself because he wanted to "talk to the purty gurls." What? He didn't want to waste his free time with two large, bearded men-children? I then went to speak with B.G. James and Tracy Brooks while Rich was elsewhere. Rich and I then departed.

Now, I told you this story to tell you about this one. As Rich and I were reminiscing about that moment, he stated, "Yeah, Hacksaw was a cool guy until he lied to that kid."
"What?"
"You don't remember?"
"When was this?"
"You were there!"
"All I remember was his funny glasses and his golly-garsh perviness for women half his age."
"He lied to a kid."
"I was talking to B.G. James and Tracy."
"Oh, what happened was that a dad and a kid walked into the bar. The kid walked over to me and asked if I was Duggan (side note: Rich is 6'5" and is a large man like myself, so it's not surprising for the uninitiated to think he or I were wrestlers.), to which I corrected him and pointed to 'Hacksaw.'"
"Okay..."
"Anyway, the kid chats with Duggan who saw the whole incident, I guess he felt a little insulted, and the kid asks if you and I were wrestlers."
"Right.."
"Duggan then states that we were a new tag team and were going to be on WWE in a few weeks."
"What?"
"Yeah, so he lied to a kid. I can't believe you missed that."
"No, no, no, Rich. He didn't lie to the kid."
"What?"
"No. Think positively. Duggan wasn't lying to the kid. 'Hacksaw' put us over."*
"(Laughter) He did!"
"I'm going to write a blog about this."
"I'm going to have to read it."

So that is how I was put over by "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan without even wrestling him or knowing about it. True American.

*- Put over: verb, wrestling slang- To endorse a fellow wrestler, whether voluntarily or through coercion, to make them appear more popular or better despite whether the wrestler who benefits deserves it or not.

Random Rant Regarding Jesus

2008-07-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

Okay. I don't know what specifically stirred this up, but I'm gonna go on a rant anyway. Maybe it's because I still haven't found a good church home (the one I'm going to...not working out) or whatever, but I'm tired of bullshit issues regarding my faith. I'm only an armchair theologian and a poor one at that, but here's what I know regarding Jesus:
- Jesus is not a Republican.
- Jesus is not a Democrat.
- Jesus loves gay people.
- Jesus loves people who make or watch porn.
- Jesus wants to console, not shame, those who have gotten an abortion.
- Jesus likes a good party (reference: water-to-wine at a wedding, various meals with his disciples).
- Jesus pities the delusional wealthy.
- Jesus pities the delusional.
- Jesus loves children.
- Jesus loves adults.
- Jesus loves the elderly.
- Jesus loves those who hate.
- Jesus was/is a misfit.
- Jesus hated the status quo.
- Jesus gave it to Caesar when it belonged to him.
- Jesus doesn't care about social status.
- Jesus doesn't care about whether you have stuff or don't have stuff.
- Jesus is crestfallen that many people treat themselves like their own God.
- Jesus knows that we all think of ourselves as our own God.
- Jesus is over it. Why are you clinging on to your guilt?
- Jesus doesn't care how you eat your cracker and drink your wine.
- Jesus loves those who don't believe he exists or is God.
- Jesus loves those who aren't sure if he exists or is God.
- Jesus loves those who think he is just a prophet.
- Jesus hates the concept that salvation and love is bought or earned.
- Jesus had to defecate like anyone else.
- Jesus tipped over the tables.
- Jesus didn't throw a stone.

I would have just stated, "Jesus loves" but that bumper sticker unfortunately lost a good chunk of weight a long time ago when it became a slogan instead of an example.

Barnes at the Movies: The Dark Knight...In IMAX!

2008-07-19T13:12:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: Let me warn all of you. This review is going to be pretty lengthy and not in a short bite like most of my movie reviews. No spoilers will be revealed, but at the same time I'll get into some story and character detail. I don't know if it is because of all that needs to shared about the film or the fact that I am a huge Batman fan (probably more of the latter), but this is going to be a haul. Grab a snack, a beverage, and use the restroom before reading. End Disclaimer.

Let me tell you about The Dark Knight. The Batman franchise was resurrected from the 1990's by Christopher Nolan, director and front runner of Memento and The Prestige (which if you haven't seen, stop reading and go to your local Blockbuster), in the form of Batman Begins. This film was yet another retelling of the Hamlet-esque story of the Batman. We have all heard/read/seen one version of it or another. Bruce Wayne's rich parents were murdered in front of his eyes in the back alley of a theater when he was eight years old. In the years that followed, the orphan dedicated his life to intense training and study, to live as a shadow on the side of justice, the Batman. The villains, the tone, and the quality of the storytelling has varied over the past seventy (yes, seventy) plus years of the character's existence, but the basic elements remain unchanged; the human body can alter it's muscle size, fat content, and skin tone, but it's skeletal structure remains the same.

Nolan, along with writer David Goyer and the cast of Batman Begins, created what many believe to be the quintessential Caped Crusader tale. Bruce Wayne studies various martial arts, the criminal mind, and various sciences throughout his life and returns back to Gotham to become a symbol that not only criminals fear, but inspires Gotham's other denizens to clean up and salvage their city from self destruction. The Batman was needed to weed out the mob which was infused into Gotham's societal infrastructure, to go places and commit actions no regular man would be able to do. To save you from reading two movie reviews, I'll just say pick this movie up and watch it before Dark Knight.

Now, onto the review as labeled. Nolan has jumped over the oh-so-typical sophomore hump/complaint of "well, it was good, but not as good as the original." Dark Knight did what sequels should always set out to do. It kept the elements from the original film, but enhanced and matured them. It also introduces new characters and conflicts without force-feeding them onto the viewer. Essentially, this film is on an elite list of sequels that not only are better than the original, but make you question whether or not you'll watch the first film ever again.

I will watch Batman Begins again on my DVD player in the future...but only to prep myself to watch Dark Knight on DVD immediately afterward.

Dark Knight continues Nolan's new Batman mythos shortly after Begins, in which Batman/Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) has become the symbol of hope for Gotham...however it is not without consequence. Copycat Batmen run wild in the city and with the mob in disarray they turn to a man in which they don't fully understand or trust, The Joker (the late Heath Ledger). Joker chokes Gotham into paranoia and fear, stating that his murders will cease once the Batman publicly unmasks.

Meanwhile, Bruce is still pining for his sweetheart, Rachel Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhaal) while she assists (and dates) new, straight-laced district attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart). Believing that Dent could become a new, less-frightening face of justice in Gotham to replace the Batman, Wayne as himself and his alter-ego support Dent in his quest to clean up Gotham. Perhaps then the Batman would no longer be needed and Bruce can commit his life to being with Rachel.

The look of the film and color scheme is the same as the first film, however there are actually more scenes during daylight and brighter surroundings than the previous movie. However, this does not distract the audience from the dark tone of the content. Seeing this film in IMAX was a visual buffet. There are many shots of skyscrapers that took me out of my seat and into the film to the point that I wondered if I was going to fall and plummet to the streets below. The effects and CGI in the movie were well done, however if there was one nit-picky (and this is a tiny, tiny nit) complaint it would be that a certain villain in the film's face can take you out of the otherwise realistic world that Nolan has crafted.

The story is not really a Batman story. It's a ensemble story featuring Batman, Joker, and Harvey Dent as the main three. Batman/Bruce Wayne probably has the most screen time but by less than two minutes. The pacing of the movie is fantastic, there is never a moment in which the audience is bored or overly stimulated. The suspense takes the proper enough time to tease and mildly annoy the viewer without them getting pissed off or feel cheated. The fight scenes have vastly improved since the first film, having Nolan widening the space out and using less frantic camera work in order to see how the Batman takes down his opposition with cold calculation. The murders in the film are intense and the dialogue fits the characters, but I don't recall seeing any gore nor do I recall hearing any character swear in the film. In this day and age, it is very difficult to pull off a movie of this kind without at least a mayo jar filled with blood and the word "damn." With this story, I would debate that this movie falls more in the category of "crime film" than "comic book movie."

With the acting, I'll start with the less and move up toward the best. Maggie Gyllenhaal (whose last name I have trouble remembering how to pronounce verbally) does a better job as Rachel Dawes than Katie Holmes did in the first movie, but that doesn't say much. It's not that she did a bad job, but even in the first movie the character was a bit of an afterthought and seemed like a forced love interest that studios usually push on a film franchise with such a male-heavy cast. In this movie, her character isn't much different and there are other things going on that you care more than whether or not she'll choose to be with Bruce Wayne or Harvey Dent. She comes off as whiny and seems to flip on her damsel-in-distress switch and flip off back into her independent-female-assistant-district-attorney in mere seconds. Aside from influencing certain parts of the main characters' motivations, her character and presence seem largely irrelevant. More relevant than in the first film, but still not too important. Like asking for your burger to have extra lettuce. While I don't blame Gyllenhaal for her character to be written in this manner, her performance doesn't stand out to elevate her role in the film.

Michael Caine as Wayne's dry-witted and doting butler, Alfred Pennyworth, does a great job as always. Caine pulled it off once again and seems comfortable in his role as the comedic yet wise mentor to the young Master Bruce. His character seems to grow more and more important to Wayne as the franchise continues.

Morgan Freeman's role got a little bit fatter as Lucius Fox, the man in charge of Wayne Enterprises' day-to-day activities and technological genie for the Batman. Freeman's character gets a little bit more fleshed out than in the first movie and he has more interaction with Wayne and Batman aside from being the "less-I-know, less-I-tell" R&D man from the first film. Freeman does an excellent job but that's far from surprising.

Here's a side note: Random actors to look for in this film include Cillian Murphy, Anthony Michael Hall (yes, Breakfast Club's Anthony Michael Hall), Eric Roberts, and Nestor Carbonell (from the short-short lived live action The Tick television series). Enjoy.

Gary Oldman's role as Lt. James Gordon, Batman's greatest ally and police connection, is greatly increased and is used much more efficiently than in the first film. Oldman's performance adequately conveys the character's weary yet determined demeanor. Oldman understands that he needs to display Gordon as a compassionate, gentle man forced to put up a stone-hearted front much of the time. Oldman's performance doesn't disappoint and is important to the franchise's future. The relationship between Gordon and Batman gets more complex when the film comes to a close.

If it weren't for Heath Ledger's performance (more on that later) there would be more praise for Aaron Eckhart's performance as Harvey Dent. Eckhart is relatively unknown to most casual movie fans, or is known in that all to often "I've seen him in something before, what was it...shoot, this is gonna bug me the rest of the day" context. Unless you count his role in the comedy Thank You for Smoking as his breakthrough performance (which I don't, sorry), Eckhart will be known to most of the public as Harvey Dent. Eckhart does a good job portraying the dedicated and morally tested Dent, along with performing as...well, that'd be telling. While throughout 3/4ths of the film, I thought his character was used brilliantly, I was surprised on his character's future at the end of the film. I like what they are doing/did, but at the same time it leaves many questions open which unfortunately probably won't involve the character.

Christian Bale will be considered by many to be the top face behind the cowl of Batman. Bale is much skinnier this time around (probably because of his super-diet for Rescue Dawn) and claiming that Batman needed more focus on speed than power. Bale is able to consistently keep the Batman and Bruce Wayne as both separate characters in the same body. This time around, Batman/Bruce feels like he has bitten off more than he can chew and is unsure on whether or not Batman is truly what Gotham needs. Is the Batman lancing Gotham's boils or just opening them up to invite a more sinister infection? Bale is able to keep this uncertainty and uneasiness within his character and facial expressions even during the action scenes.

Now unto Heath Ledger as the Joker. Before the movie came out, many interviews with the cast and many film critics praised him for his performance. I was skeptical. I always am whenever the press fawns over actors/actresses, especially if they make a "brave choice" or the film was the performer's last full piece of work. "Oh, Nicole Kidman wore a fake nose in The Hours, she's so daring!" "One has to watch Street Fighter to witness Raul Julia's final performance."

Frankly, I was originally concerned about hearing Ledger's name when it was announced for the Joker role. I admit, he was good in Brokeback Mountain (you know, the gay cowboy movie), however nothing else was outstanding. The main movies he was known for before that one were 10 Things I Hate About You as a dreamy slob turned hunk, Mel Gibson's son in the Braveheart-wannabe The Patriot, and in A Knight's Tale as...well, a knight. A knight that rocks out to Queen. Doesn't sound like much to work with or reference to for a major villain role. I hate to say this, but the hype is right and I am wrong. The Joker captivated me the whole way.

The Joker's role in the Batman mythos is jumbled and hard to explain to the uninitiated. In the comics, his origin is sketchy at best. He is a failed comedian turned to crime..or is he an unknown mob henchman that fell into a vat of acid and became insane...he could be Batman's parents' killer...maybe a criminal named Jack Napier...might be just some psychopath that needs attention... maybe some of those together...maybe all of them together...maybe none...I give up. The Joker's story of how he became the Joker and life before being the Joker is a mystery that even Batman has not solved.

Because of this and other reasons, there have been many interpretations on how to present the character on the screen. In the 1960's TV series, Caesar Romero's Joker was slap happy and wacky, often more concerned out of getting a laugh out at Gotham's expense and make a quick buck than actually causing serious damage. 1989's Batman had Jack Nicholson play the Joker like...well, Jack Nicholson having fun being a sadistic clown. Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker himself) had much praise as the Joker in the 1990's Batman: The Animated Series depicting a bipolar groan-inducing comic that seems to want to make Batman smile more than kill him...but not by much.

If Nolan and Ledger's take the Joker were put in the same room with the other interpretations of Joker, the other Jokers would either flee in fear...or be killed. The other Jokers were snappy dressers wearing bright, vibrant colors and pastels. Ledger's Joker's clothing is drab, wrinkled, and dirty. Other Jokers stand upright, make wild body movements, speak very vibrantly, and have constant toothy grins. Ledger's Joker is slumped over, moves mostly to act not to posture, speaks calmly and directly most of the time, and smiles mostly because...well, it's permanently carved into his face. Unlike past Jokers there are no stories of acid changing his hair color and skin complexion, nor clown gimmicks like lethally electric joy-buzzers or corsages shooting acid. In its place is a sloppily painted maw, stringy green-blond hair, and pockets filled with knives and grenades. Ledger's acting reminded me more of some of my clients that I worked with as a mental health social worker than the over-the-top buffoon madman that is usually seen. Think John Wayne Gacy rather than a mischief-making Bozo.

Ledger's Joker is three parts psychopath, two parts terrorist, one part criminal genius, and a pinch of a jester. I cannot recall a character in which I would laugh out loud at his behavior in one moment and in the next moment be legitimately terrified. The Joker is a man who considers murder as natural as breathing. As Batman is a symbol of hope, order, and harmony, the Joker is a symbol of despair, chaos, and mass hysteria. Ying and Yang. In many interviews, the crew and cast stated that Ledger kept a "Joker Diary" (which I like to call "Ledger's Ledger") writing down thoughts in character. I'd love to read some of it to see what else this Joker thinks. I'm not going to say "Ledger is going to get a posthumous Oscar nomination" because there are still six months worth of films to be released. However, this is by far Ledger's best performance and it has and will be immortalized for the years to come.

Now I am not going to give out the actual ending. That would ruin it for you. However, I will say one thing.

Joker wins.

I highly recommend that you watch this movie. It is one of the best films I've seen in a long time and I saw a lot of good movies this year. In fact, I think I'm going to see it again in the theater and I usually don't like to spend the money to do that. You will thank me for it and I want to see if you agree with my viewpoint of the ending. Why so serious? Go have a Dark Knight.

Preparing for the Dark Knight

2008-07-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

List of what I will do/have done this week in preparation for the Dark Knight in IMAX this Friday.
- Play all episodes of Batman: The Animated Series on my DVD player.
- View the 1960's Batman: The Movie with commentary from Adam West and Burt Ward!
- Read Batman: Year One
- Read The Dark Knight Returns
- Read The Dark Knight Strikes Again (Yeah, I know it's not nearly as good as the first.)
- Obtain my 50th Batman action figure for my Batman Shrine (I know,I'm a little sick in the head.)
- Try to find/obtain a DVD with the original 1940's Batman film serials featuring Batman and Robin fighting The Wizard!
- Go to Barnes and Noble and skim through "Batman and Philosophy"
- Do the Batusi!
- Read Batman: The Long Halloween
- Read Batman: Dark Victory
- Believe in Harvey Dent
- Watch 1989's Batman
- Read Batman: The Killing Joke (featuring a possible origin of the Joker)
- Read all my current issues of All Star Batman and Robin
- Watch Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
- Watch Batman Begins (naturally)
- Recite the words "And Bill Finger" when reading "Batman created by Bob Kane" on film credits and in the books

Why so serious? Review of Dark Knight next week.

Barnes at the Movies: Hellboy 2 - The Golden Army

2008-07-11T17:44:00.001-07:00

For those of you who didn't watch the first Hellboy (which is a shame because you'd probably should), it is yet another movie based off of a successful comic book franchise. In the 1940's, the Nazis performed a summoning that was thwarted by the Allies, but not without something coming from the portal to the underworld. It was a baby demon with a large right hand made of stone. The demon was taken in and raised in the U.S. military. The troops gave him a name. They called him Hellboy. Now, Hellboy and those like him serve in the ultra classified Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense, an organization that...well, let me steal a line from the first movie: "There are things that bump in the night. We are the ones who bump back." The film introduced Hellboy along with his teammates. First, Abraham Sapien, a telepathic fish man, and Elizabeth Sherman, an unstable pyrokinetic and Hellboy's love interest. I'll let you fill in the rest of the details by watching it.

Hellboy 2 starts off with a legend that long ago of the kingdoms of humankind and the mythical waged war upon each other. After many battles, the Woodland King of the mythical raised the the Golden Army, an unstoppable force that nearly destroyed all of mankind, with his crown being the controlling force behind the army. Deciding that the Golden Army was too powerful, the King split his crown into three pieces, giving one of the pieces to mankind in exchange for a truce. Man would keep the land and the mythical would keep the forests. Years and years later, when humankind's piece of the crown is stolen during an artifact auction, the B.P.R.D. is on the case.

Hellboy (Ron Perlman) and Elizabeth (Selma Blair) going through a rough patch in their relationship, much like any couple would when they move in together...only involving a firestarter and a demon that loves Baby Ruths and cats. Meanwhile, Abe Sapien (Doug Jones) longs for companionship and understanding while B.P.R.D. director, Tom Manning (the hilarious and wonderful Jeffrey Tambor) is trying to keep Hellboy in check and out of the public eye. In light of Hellboy's constant insubordination, Manning brings in B.P.R.D. European associate named Johann Kraus (voiced by Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane), an ectoplasmic medium trapped in a containment suit, to lead the team and follow protocol. Can the misfits get their act together and protect mankind from the threat of the Golden Army's resurrection?

The movie is just as good as the first, however it travels more to the weird creatures than ghosts, demonic creatures, and the undead that dominated the first one. Director Guillermo Del Toro sculpts a grand world full of imaginative abominations. Del Toro's team did a great job mixing both CGI and costuming together to mesh and mold each monster. The look of the film is more like Del Toro's often praised Pan's Labyrinth than the first Hellboy. The scene in the Troll's Market is reminiscent of the now-classic Cantina scene in the original Star Wars in regards to it's plethora of busy-body creatures.

Ron Perlman makes Hellboy his own with his wiseguy delivery; imagine John McClane from Die Hard looking like Tim Curry from Legend. Doug Jones does a great job being Abe, lending his voice now that David Hyde Pierce abandoned the role he took in the first film. Selma Blair delivers as Liz and is used much better than in the first movie. The stand-out is Seth MacFarlane who has spot on delivery as Johann with both his German accent and being able to deliver his lines, comedic or otherwise, without sounding too cartoony like his...well, cartoon.

The film's themes continue from the first movie. The themes of being different and the desire to be accepted, along with the debate of fate versus choice. Hellboy, mind you, is supposed to bring the destruction of the world. His true name is Ahnung Un Rama (Son of the Fallen One), you know. He is destined to damn us, but as of now, chooses to help mankind. These themes are touched upon in this film and leaves room for possible growth (possible foreshadowing) if there is a third movie.

Despite the dark, grotesque look of the film, Hellboy 2 is mostly lighthearted and fun...and it oddly fits. Much like the characters in the film, it looks scary, but is friendly once you get acquainted. If you want a decent story, love monsters, and like good action, check it out.

Oh, and there is a great scene featuring Barry Manilow's "I Can't Smile Without You." Enjoy.

Barnes at the Movies: WALL-E

2008-06-30T16:18:00.000-07:00

Man. Pixar. They come out with a new film virtually every year and every year they hit it out of the park (even with the not-as-great-as-most Cars). However, most Pixar films not only do well because of the cutting-edge animation and great storytelling, but because of the stars that voice the characters. This year, however, there are no star studded voice actors. Unless you count Jeff Garlin (who you wouldn't know unless you are a fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm), John Ratzenberger (who Pixar has in every movie), Fred Willard (that sorta funny guy that you always seem to recognize but have no idea from where), and brief lines from Sigourney Weaver(okay, she's a legit star), then there are no stars in this movie. The character of WALL-E even looks like Johnny 5 from the Short Circuit films. With those hindrances, can the film live up to Pixar's stellar reputation?

WALL-E lives up. Surpasses. Enters a new galaxy.

WALL-E is a story about a Waste Allocation Load Lifter- Earth class or WALL-E. WALL-E's task is to clean up an abandoned Earth that has been stockpiled with garbage. Earth's denizens have apparently left on a giant spaceship brought to you by the corporate juggernaut Buy N' Large, leaving WALL-E to clean up Earth until it is hospitable for humans to return and live upon. While WALL-E performs his designed task, he curiously explores and collects various items of interest along with a pet cockroach. When a spaceship lands on Earth, WALL-E is introduced to another robot named EVE, however her directives are classified. Smitten, WALL-E tries to woo EVE into holding hands...er, claws...er, clamps. Anyway, that's when the story really gets going and EVE's purpose is revealed.

The animation in WALL-E is fantastic. The character models are distorted and "cartoony" but it looks like every shadow, every speck of dirt, every hair, and every freckle is real. The art direction is fantastic and every little nuance adds to the film. You know you are doing a good job making your characters emote when most of the cast consists of ROBOTS.

The film has very, very little dialogue however there is never a moment in which you are lost or confused in following the story or the characters' motivations. The story is a fantastic Disney tale with a little bit of social commentary regarding the environment and consumerism culture that doesn't come off as too preachy (hypocritically though, six months from now this movie will be sold at Walmart alongside WALL-E t-shirts and action figures). As with Christopher Reeves making you believe a man can fly in Superman, WALL-E makes you believe a robot can love.

I cannot recommend this movie enough. As of this writing, I consider WALL-E to be the best movie of 2008. Not best animated. Not best summer flick. BEST FILM.

So watch it. Get off the computer and watch it. It's worth the money. Oh, you don't like animated movies? Get over it. Watch it. Ashamed to watch a "kid's movie" at your age? Go with your niece/nephew. Take your friend's kid (he/she would probably thank you for two child-free hours). Sit next to a six year old, I don't care. Just do yourself a favor and go.

Go!

GO!!!

Barnes at the Movies: Wanted

2008-06-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

I went to see the movie Wanted just because I was a fan of the graphic novel. I knew like many movies that it was only loosely based off the source material, but I wanted to see the cinema spin on the story.

Wanted follows Wesley Gibson (The Last King of Scotland's James McAvoy), a twenty-something cubicle dweller that hates his job, his boss, and life in general. Wesley's emasculating girlfriend is also screwing his best friend and Wesley practically lives off his anti-anxiety medication. All that changes when he finds out that he is the son of a great assassin.

Wesley is recruited in the Fraternity, a league of noble assassins that have been in existence for over 1,000 years, through his father's colleagues, Fox (Angelina Jolie) and the head of the Fraternity, Sloan (Morgan Freeman). The Fraternity picks up Wesley and trains him in the deadly arts, including the supernatural-Matrix-esque bullet curving. The Fraternity wishes that Wesley take the mantle of his father and take out a rogue Fraternity agent that happens to be his father's killer. Meh.

The first 20 minutes of the movie followed the graphic novel pretty well then just made up the rest as it went along. Mind you, for the sake of the review, I'm not judging the movie based off of accuracy of the book, but it is still a meh-movie. There were some cool moments in the film, but the story's plot twist wasn't really twisty, the dialogue seemed hackneyed. The special effects weren't bad, but if you have seen The Matrix then it's nothing you haven't seen before nor something you haven't seen improved upon. It attempted to be an action film with a good story, but turned into a stock R-rated action film in which characters shoot guns and say "fuck" a lot.

Angelina Jolie was one of the main selling points of this movie, but she does very little acting and seems to be hired to just look sexy while holding a gun. That and a gratuitous shot of her bare ass. James McAvoy did a decent job as the Wesley Gibson character and was the highlight of the film. Morgan Freeman was phoning it in, but Freeman phoning it in is better than most actors doing their Oscar best.

In other words, this movie isn't the worst I've ever seen, but it didn't leave any lasting impression on me positive or negative. Not good, not terrible, just...meh. The film might be Wanted, but it's gotta look for someone else to fill that void.

Barnes at the Movies: Get Smart

2008-06-22T15:43:00.000-07:00

I saw Get Smart yesterday and overall, it was an okay movie. Brief synopsis: Maxwell Smart (Steve Carell) is an analyst for C.O.N.T.R.O.L. who recent passed an exam for becoming a field agent. C.O.N.T.R.O.L.'s main purpose is to thwart the evil doings of K.A.O.S., a sinister organization that has been thought dead since the 1960's. After C.O.N.T.R.O.L.'s secret headquarters have been compromised when it is believed K.A.O.S. has stolen the makings of a nuclear device, it is up to Smart and Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway) to stop K.A.O.S. with the guidance of the Chief (Alan Arkin) and Agent 23 (Dwayne "Seriously, man, accept the fact you are still going to be known as The Rock" Johnson).
First, the cons of the movie. You've seen this movie before. Trust me, you have. The plot is totally predictable at every single turn. That being said, even though I have seen this movie before with a different title, it's a good movie that I remember seeing.

The jokes are funny and, in my opinion, that takes precedence over mediocre plot when it comes to comedy. Don't get me wrong, if a comedy has a great plot and great jokes then it's pure, re-watchable gold, but if the comedy's jokes suck along with a weak plot then there is no reason to see the film in the first place. Example being, did anyone watch Airplane for the story? My point stands.

Steve Carell is Michael Scott from TV's The Office as Maxwell Smart. Depending on your viewpoint, this can be a pro or a con. Those who think "pro" are intrigued at the Michael Scott character put into a secret agent position (which is eerie since the Michael Scott character lived out this fantasy in a screenplay he wrote about secret agent named Michael Scarn called Threat Level: Midnight). Those that think "con" would have liked to see Carell try a different approach or think that they could see Michael Scott for free on TV as opposed to forking money to see a flick.

With the main cons being predictability and Carell being his TV character, I wish to give a list of pros and stuff to look forward to if you do choose to see the movie:
- Dwayne "Dude, you just had a three disc DVD of your greatest wrestling matches released last week, no one is going to think of calling you anything but The Rock" Johnson's best performance since Be Cool.
- Two words, one man, too-small-of-a-role: PATRICK WARBURTON.
- Alan Arkin being the funniest wise-ass in this whole movie.
- Dalip "The Great Khali" Singh in his best performance inside or outside a wrestling ring. He gets a lot of screen time, too. Go to the movie just to donate more money to the poor children of Punjab.
- Good jokes that don't get run into the ground.
- Anne Hathaway is easy on the eyes.
and the most important "pro" in this movie...
- Bill Murray, in a cameo, from inside a tree. No, not on top of a tree. INSIDE A TREE. Awesome.

So, if you got a few bucks and a no-nothing afternoon, go to a cheap matinee. That or rent it and watch it with friends when it is released on DVD. The movie was almost a must-see, but "missed it by that much."

Someone Please Think of the Children

2008-06-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

High gas prices. Bad economy. The war in Iraq. These are valid issues in America, but not so much as this troubling concern .

"C" is for change. It's good enough for me.

(Side Note: Don't read too much into this. Just because I use the word "change" it doesn't mean I'm pro-Obama.)

(Additional Side Note: The previous side note doesn't mean I'm pro-McCain either.)

Barnes at the Movies: The Incredible Apology...I Mean, Hulk

2008-06-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

In 2003, Ang Lee and the folks at Marvel made a movie about the Hulk. Ballyhoo and whatnot followed along with bad, bad reviews. Something was wrong. Ang Lee is a great director. However, he is known for pieces with grace, love, and a little sorrow. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and the Oscar-winning Brokeback Mountain are great stories that he told. He really likes depth and emotion in his characters. Which made him the worst choice for Hulk.

While I'm not about dumbing down movies, Hulk is first and foremost, a comic book character. Not just any comic character, but one that leaves destruction and fury in his wake. Hulk no cry and have arty cinematography, HULK SMASH!!! Fans of the Hulk expect some drama, but a lot of action and mayhem. Hulk had lots of drama (it oozed drama) and very little smash to it. Therefore, the film suffered and bombed.

Five years later, Marvel has made a public apology...and I accept it. The Incredible Hulk isn't so much a sequel as it is a retelling of Bruce Banner's (Edward Norton) plight. Banner was exposed to severe amounts of radiation causing him to transform into a behemoth, dubbed "The Hulk," whenever his heart rate is elevated and he is angered. This leaves Banner with little choice but to exile himself in order to run from General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross (William Hurt) and the military who are attempting to weaponize the beast within him while leaving behind his longtime girlfriend, Betty Ross (Liv Tyler). While in hiding, Banner attempts to find methods of curing himself while simultaneously studies meditation and anger management in order to quell the monster. In order to track down and capture Banner, General Ross is assisted by an accomplished soldier named Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth) who is willing to undergo inhuman experimentation in order to be physically on-par with the Hulk.

The movie is good, but far from perfect. Liv Tyler does a decent job acting, but the Betty Ross character is portrayed more like the nail-biting, worried girlfriend than the smart doctor that she is. William Hurt is fantastic in his role of the General in what would otherwise be a cookie-cutter angry, military-first soldier. Edward Norton is perfect for Bruce Banner. Acting in Fight Club must have helped him portray this "tough bookwormy wimp" character. Tim Roth is the main villain, which is what he is best suited for in most films. No complaints there.

The film does a great job with the look of the Hulk monster. Yes, it's clearly CGI but it doesn't look like the green play-dough monster from the last movie. The animators did a great job with the facial expressions of the jade giant. The smashings, especially the final fight, were well done and reminiscent of the great monster movies. There is little drama and character development, probably shorthanding it due to the overhaul of it from the last movie, but the slow moments that were there were good and meaningful.

Is it as good as Iron Man? No. Is it high art? No and it's not supposed to be. Is it fun and make you root for Bruce Banner? Yes. So mission accomplished. Oh, and speaking of Iron Man, Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) makes an appearance in the movie. I'll leave it to you to see where in the film and why. You did stay after the credits of Iron Man, didn't you?

The Color Black

2008-06-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

Icebreaker questions. These can either be very insightful and tell you a lot about a person or as enlightening as asking "What would you like for dinner?" My favorite ice breaker question, aside from the popular what superpower would you pick, is "If you were a color, what color would that be?"
My color. I'd be black.
It's not because I wear it all the time. Nor is it because I agree with Johnny Cash's song "The Man in Black." It's just...me. Black is given a negative stigma much of the time and that is unfortunate. Black isn't totally negative. It isn't totally positive.
Black has a pristine presence. It sticks out on its own but can also blend in with the background when other colors are around. It can see as fearful and scary, but under a different perspective can be seen as comforting, enveloping others like a blanket. Black has depth; it is a void. It is the color of mystery. When you stare into black are you staring at nothing...or staring at something limitless? Is black empty or is it something ready to be filled? Is it a color of completion or a color of potential?
Under self reflection, I am the color of black. With others I stick out due to my personality and size, but I also merge into the social background. To those who don't know me, I have an intimidating presence. To those that just got to know me, I get along well; I compliment most colors. I have a vat of potential in many fields, but are some of those fields filled to its limit. While I am fun loving, I have a more melancholic viewpoint which is darkness; black. I also believe life is without limits...like staring into black. Many of my friends confide to me and think of me as a good listener of their troubles; that I won't judge or expose them...they are comforted that the black can cover-up their flaws or bring out the positive colors. I am independent; colors may be complimented alongside me but cannot be mixed with me. I am cryptic at times, exposed in others, the color of purity in some cultures, the color of the tainted in others. I am black.
What color are you?

Barnes at the Movies: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-05-24T18:10:00.000-07:00

Alabama Henderson, er, Indiana Jones has developed into a modern day movie icon over the past twenty years and with the announcement of a fourth installment of Indy's adventures, many voiced concerns of making yet another sequel nineteen years after the last movie. I was among them, afraid that Harrison Ford wouldn't be able to get his Jones back and that this movie would just turn into a passing of the torch to Spielberg favorite, Shia Lebouf. I'm so glad that I am wrong.

Crystal Skull sees Jones (Ford) in 1957, his loyalty to his country being questioned by the FBI and losing his job as a university professor. He is approached by a young man named Mutt Williams (Lebouf) who is sent by his mother, an apparent acquaintance to Jones, to ask Jones to assist him in rescuing her and helping a fellow archaeological colleague of Jones' and friend to Williams, Professor Oxley, by finding an ancient Mayan crystal skull. All the while, Jones and Williams are being chased, captured, and all that rot by a group of Soviets led by a supposed telepath, Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett).

Ford picks up his character right where he left it and while I expected to hate Lebouf, he actually did well in his role. I expected him to fill the hack role of the trying-to-be-wise-ass-actually-annoying-the-audience young sidekick to Indy (think Ryan Reynolds and Aschton Kutcher) or his apparent typecast of the nerdy, I'm-not-sure-how-I'm-gonna-do-this-coming-of-age-get-the-hot-girl character, but he showed why Spielberg is nuts for the guy. The rest of the cast do their roles well and flow with the tone of the movie. There is also a cameo appearance by Sean Connery...'s photo.

As for the movie as a whole? This movie isn't high art nor has intriguing character development, but that's never been the point of the Indiana Jones series. The question you need to ask for these type of adventure movies isn't "How's the cinematography/subtext?" it's "Is it fun?" And it's fun. Go Spielberg. While in past films there have been elements of mysticism and the supernatural, I still didn't expect to see elements of science fiction (yes, sci-fi) in the film. However, it makes some sense in that the bulk of the series took place in the 1930's and 1940's (when there were quite a few action-adventure movies) and this movie takes place in the 1950's (when science fiction films were rising in number). There are a few references to the first Indy movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark, including involving a character from that film.

In conclusion, grab a fedora, a bullwhip, a smirk, and pay full admission to see this flick. If you go into the film wanting to have fun, you will. If you walk in with a jaundice eye, then you're being a snake. And Indiana Jones hates snakes.

Barnes At The Movies: Iron Man

2008-05-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

So I saw Iron Man last weekend and decided that I'd write a little review of the movie and any others that I see during this summer blockbuster season. Iron Man is based off the Marvel comic book of the same name and is the first Marvel Universe movie totally in-house in Marvel's production and distribution department. The theory behind this would be Marvel would have primary control of the futures of their properties and open doors for some characters that most studios wouldn't take chances with, an example being Marvel making a movie about Ant-Man. Who's Ant-Man? My point exactly. The underlying hope is that if Iron Man did well along with other Marvel character movies that this could open doors for character crossovers that would otherwise would be impossible due to interference from other companies (i.e. The X-Men could never coexist with Spiderman because Wolverine is with 20th Century Fox and Peter Parker is hanging out with Sony).

So let's take a look at Marvel's first step into independence. Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark, a booze-hungry playboy (art imitating life, eh, Rob?) who is a brilliant inventor and scientist specializing in creating weapons for the U.S. military. While at a demonstration of one of his new missles, he is kidnapped by a terrorist group and his heart is injured to the point that an electomagnet is inserted into his chest in order to prevent shrapnel from entering his heart and killing him (remember, this is a comic book movie so suspend disbelief). The terrorists force Stark into making them a version of his newest weapon, but instead he secretly builds himself a crude suit of armor that assists in his escape.

After a huge firefight, Tony is rescued and reunites with his Air Force affiliated best friend, Jim Rhodes (played by Terrence Howard), and his personal assistant, Pepper Pots (played by Gwyneth Paltrow). The usually aloof Stark is now concerned that his weapons are being used by both sides of the battlefield and wants out of the arms business, much to the chagrin of his business associate Obidiah Stane (played by the Dude himself, Jeff Bridges). While his pleas of pulling out of the weapons game go on deaf ears, Stark redesigns his armor suit and thus Iron Man is born.

I have to say that I went into this movie with cynicism. I wasn't sure how Marvel could promote and create a film without the input of a proven studio and I wasn't sure that the Iron Man character had steel legs to stand on for a mainstream audience. I thought it would be all flash and explosions with little story and I have never been so glad to be wrong. When it could have been easy to make a movie that was pure eyeball-orgy, Marvel made a movie with the same reasoning they had for its comics: Make stories about people with powers instead of stories about powerful people.
Jon Favreau, who is known for directing comedies like Swingers and Elf, did a great job in creating a fine balance between plot driven, character forming scenes and blow-em-up action. Robert Downey, Jr. was born to play Tony Stark. Minus the techno-genius, the two are exactly the same guy. Downey does a great job in creating a Howard Hawks-esque, fast talking egomaniac that you can't help to cheer and even feel sorry for. The story was solid, the special effects did not take you away from the film, and the action scenes struck all the right notes.

I usually judge a movie by how much I'd pay to see it. I always ask myself, "Would I'd be willing to pay $15 for an evening show, a $5-7 matinee, wait until it gets to the cheapo $2 theater, rent or Netflix it, wait until it's on cable, or not watch it at all?" So on a scale of -$5 (in which the theater owes me money) to $15 (the most I'd be willing to sit in a theater to watch a flick), I give Iron Man a solid $12.75. Let's face it, the movie isn't going to the Oscars and it's too good to be nominated for an MTV Movie Award, but if you like fun action flicks with solid acting performances go and see it. Oh, and be sure to stick around after the credits for a grand surprise...Avengers Assemble?

Barnes' Favorite Fictional Bands: #7- Timmy and Lords of the Underworld

2008-05-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

That's right. Do they have only one song? Yes. But that song rules. The Lords of the Underworld showed great potential but were missing a key ingredient...then it happened. Timmy and the Lords rocked on and rocked out at Chef Aid, displaying great beats and riffs. Granted the band is limited lyrically, but that doesn't stop them from getting the number seven spot on my list.

Witness the band's greatest moment.

This is Why I Love the Wall on Facebook

2008-04-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

So I commented on my friend Andy Dunn's wall on Facebook regarding his profile photo:

"Deep down inside, I knew you were Zach Galifinakis."

He responded to my profile photo:

"Thanks Barnes, I'm glad you understand. Likewise, deep down inside I always knew you were a town of 2,173 people."

It's the little moments, people. The little moments.

Barnes' Favorite Fictional Bands: #8- Limozeen

2008-04-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

The creators of Homestarrunner did a great job making a parody of 80's hair metal bands. How did these guys get featured on the Guitar Hero video game franchise? Practice, practice, practice. These guys reached at a number eight on the list not only because they do a great job in rocking and spoofing at the same time, but also doing live gigs! Kudos to you, Limozeen. Kudos.

Meanwhile, on Television

2008-04-30T16:17:00.000-07:00

According to this, a Family Guy spin-off based off the character Cleveland Brown titled (appropriately) Cleveland is almost confirmed for 13 episodes. Why do I have a feeling that this show will end up being a spoofy mix of The Jeffersons, A Different World and The Cosby Show? A couple predictions regarding the show:
- Cleveland will move into a more "urban" environment, but not a major city (New York, L.A., etc.). Since his name is Cleveland and they can't resist the irony, he'll probably move to Columbus or Cincinnati, Ohio.
- Cleveland's new friends would include a large, muscular black character with a shaved head and goatee, a stereotypical 1970's pimp character, and a Flava Flav archetype. Oh, and a random white guy that does nothing but stuff white people like and stuff that black comedians make fun of. Stuff like the stuff mentioned on this site.
- Carl Weathers will be mayor of whatever city Cleveland is in.
- Quagmire will frequently show up to hang out with Cleveland.
- There will be a talking animal character since Seth MacFarlane has Brian the Dog in Family Guy and Klaus the German Goldfish in American Dad. My guess is a cat.

Time will tell if I'm right.

I Just Smelled What Barack is Cooking...Along with What Hillary and John Have Broiled.

2008-04-30T11:28:00.001-07:00

So many have asked me, since I am an avid wrestling fan, what I thought about Obama, McCain, and Clinton addressing the WWE fans during the live broadcast of WWE RAW a week and a half ago. I realize that I am a week late in addressing this issue, since most news media have already commented and lampooned over it, but since many have asked me my thoughts, especially since I unintentionally foreshadowed the "Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" line in a previous blog, I'll indulge them. I think the appearance of all three candidates was great...and awful.

The three candidates (or, let's face it, their campaign teams) realized that professional wrestling is an outlet enjoyed by numerous people throughout the U.S., including gun toting people who cling to religion (zing, Obama) and the more educated set. While the media continues to portray most wrestling fans as beer bellied, unschooled folk, the campaigns of all three candidates realize the mass appeal that pro wrestling has. Hell, WWE RAW has been one of the top ten viewed cable television programs for the past ten years. Face facts: a lot of people watch pro wrestling...people that vote. That is why I'm glad that all three acknowledged this usually snubbed group of voters.

However, I also think it was awful. Check out snippets of their videos here. Now, I readily know that these videos are supposed to be for fun, however their campaigns (save for McCain since his is smooth sailing until the quagmire that's been the Democratic nomination is settled) aren't supposed to be fun. While I am glad that wrestling fans are being addressed to, this is another attempt for all of them to "slum it up" to appeal to the "common man." I admit, I was entertained, but don't insult my intelligence.

Hil-Rod? Seriously?

First, Clinton looked like she read from cuecards and came off as fake as her sniper fire in Bosnia. Don't use wrestling rhetoric you don't understand and don't drink whisky at a bar that you'd never be caught dead in. Just say, "Hey wrestling fans, I think..."and insert your campaign promises and platform there. Be genuine for once okay? If you aren't familiar with the product, just say you aren't. Besides, the name Hil-Rod reminds me of A-Rod, a baseball player.

Secondly, Obama. While I don't mind him using the "Do you smell what Barack is cooking" line since the amusing comparison between him and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has been established, I also think he read off of cue cards and he had a big "man, this is silly" smile throughout the whole thing. It is silly. Look, Barack, I know that you don't want to come off as an "elitist," but come on.

Random side note: Since when is being elite bad? "I don't want a candidate who thinks he's better than me." I got news for all you. The candidates are the candidates because they ARE better than you. And no matter how many Pabst Blue Ribbons they share in a bar with you, they KNOW they are better than you. I think it's a stupid notion that people want a candidate that is a "regular joe." I don't want a "regular joe." I want the best, the brightest, the strongest our country has to offer. I want someone who is among the...what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yeah...ELITE! Mind you, don't confuse "elite" with "rich." Many folks are elite with or without the bank account, so don't take money into the equation. Folks, there are plenty of other intelligent reasons to be against certain candidates. I want to focus on the person that will prevent gas from being $5 a gallon, not the candidate who can at least bowl a 200.

Barack, you're not a wrestling fan. I'm not a graduate from Harvard. I'm okay with not attending an Ivy League school, like you did. You should be okay with not knowing what a Hornswoggle is, like I do. It's both okay.

McCain, while he was probably coached, actually came off like he had attended a wrestling match or two back in the day. Hell, he's old enough that he had to bump into at least one or two on T.V. While his verbal onslaught of every other wrestling catchphrase since 1985 was a bit much, he actually looked like he had fun. I'm sure he wasn't a genuine wrestling fan, but he at least faked it correctly. However, saying stuff like having the Undertaker take care of Osama Bin Laden makes me question your strategy and seriousness on the War on Terror.

Point is, while entertaining, all three of these candidates were being something that they aren't. While I am glad that they wanted to address the WWE audience, I don't like that they patronized the WWE audience. They could have used this opportunity to gain some votes by talking about the differences amongst the other candidates and addressing issues that the majority of fans in WWE's demographic care about. Instead, they mostly used it for expensive playtime. This could have been used to garner more votes. Instead, it made them, especially the Democrats, look like foolish posers. Candidates, you aren't wrestling fans...don't try to be me. Just talk to me. If you don't know the difference, then I can't help you.

At the same time though, like this amusing cartoon indicates, there probably isn't anything more phony than pro wrestling other than politics.

Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Fictional Bands: #9- Wyld Stallyns

2008-04-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Bill S. Preston, Esq. and "Ted" Theodore Logan. They are...WYLD STALLYNS! These two apparently-destined-to-be-great men forged a band so rockin' that they effect future politics and ways of life in the movies, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. They weren't always good guitarists, as seen here, but their love of music and never say die attitude (and I really mean never say die, they survived going to Hell and beat Death in Battleship in order to get back to Earth). These gentlemen went to ultimate lengths to achieve their dreams and their passions, which serve as an inspiration to all of us. The two also preach the simple yet poignant axiom, "Be excellent to each other." It's with those reasons that the Wyld Stallyns get a spot at the list at number nine.

Watch the Stallyns come to their own in their cover of a KISS song which was really performed by Steve Vai...did you get all that?

God gave rock and roll to us. Thank you, Bill and Ted, for reminding us.

Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Fictional Bands: #10- The Misfits

2008-04-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

No, no, not these guys.

These girls.

Yes, that's right. The major villains in the 1980's animated series JEM broke into the top ten list. While I only caught mere glimspes of them during the show's run (I was too infatuated with Transformers, He Man, and Thundercats at the time), I am happy to include this bad girl group. While little girls might have been inspired by JEM and her Holograms, I think that the Misfits have possibly inspired future punk girl groups. Along with the show providing music videos of the Misfits, no doubt riding the then-pioneering MTV, and showing some...odd fashion sense caught my eye. Also the fact that their name and songs remind me of better music.

There is first Pizzazz Gabor, the lead vocalist and guitarist, fitting the stereotypical rich girl gone bad. She could go far if not for her obsession with Holograms and as long as no one refers to her real name, Phyllis. Then there is Roxy Pellegrini, the bassist of the group, a high school dropout who fights personal illiteracy with the power of rock. Stormer Philips, primary songwriter, the group conscience, and master of the almighty keytar! Rounding out the band is Jetta Burns, who is as good on the sax as she is at lying and stealing.

So congrats to the Misfits to making it to my list at number 10.

"I Like Your Style"

"Outta My Way"

"Welcome to the Jungle" (Axl Rose is gonna sue for this one)

April 25, 2008: The Day I Became An Adult

2008-04-25T23:31:00.000-07:00

I realized that I am no longer a child, but became a full fledged adult on April 25, 2008. I went to bed at 8:00 PM on a Friday night because I had to work the the next day. When you sacrifice a night of potential fun for a good night's rest, that, my friends, is when you have truly turned into an adult...

Or regressed back into a five year old by having an early bedtime.

Not So Much Writer's Block, but Writer's Boredom/Favorite Internet Video Stars

2008-04-23T11:29:00.000-07:00

Since I've been bitten by the writing bug again recently due to finding new stand-up material and a visit from my friend's boyfriend who is a professional screenwriter (look for Anaconda 3, straight-to-DVD in 2010), I decided to dust off an abandoned script that I was writing entitled "World War 2.5" (I'm sure some of you might be either excited, perplexed, worried, or all three). As I am writing this script, I come to realize that I am the kind of writer that needs other things to write about, otherwise I will lose interest. I need to write W.W.2.5 in order to save my brain from getting bored writing stand-up and vice versa.
I also thought that in an effort to make both of those things fresh and new in my brain, that aside from regular blogs that I write, I would also include two top ten lists, in which I will write a little something for each ranking. These two lists shall answer the two important questions that most of you probably ask yourselves: "What are Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Fictional Bands?" and "What are Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Video Game Franchises That Immediately Came To His Mind on April 22, 2008?"
As you can plainly see, my blog is relevant and addresses the real issues. So if something cool comes to mind or if someone wants me to write a Barnesharmonymatch.com.org.tv profile, I'll do so. However, I'll fill in those lists in between those posts. Now, since I don't want a mere blog that is a blog about what's in my blog, here are:

Barnes' Favorite Internet Video Stars That Are Better Than Most Crap That's On Television

Let's face it. Most TV sucks. So where do I go when the idiot box can't entertain or inform me to my standards? The internet of course! Now, 95% of internet video, including youtube, is just home movies, crappy confessions, or just plain bad videos. There are some great diamonds in the huge rough, though. I share some of my favorite diamonds with you, the reader.

Ask a Ninja- What is better than a ninja? No, not pirates, it's a ninja that will gladly answer any query you may have. While the ninja will put his answer in a ninja context (whether your question is ninja related or not), you will be thoroughly informed or at least entertained. With his wild explanations, violent disposition, and cinematography that is reminiscent of the 1960's Batman television series, Ask a Ninja is defintely something to witness. Here are some samples:
The Ninja unearths the truth about an important mythical character.
Can midgets be ninjas? Yes...BEWARE!
Do ninjas go on dates? Of course! Hell, they need a vacation!
You can find other videos on youtube or at http://www.askaninja.com/

Homestar Runner- I know that most of you have probably been to this webpage back in the day, but I still end up going to it and see what Homestar, Bubs, and Strong Bad are up to. It's a great series of toons that never seems to fail to entertain me, whether it be Strong Bad answering emails from fans, little niche cartoons, or fake funny ads for nonexistent products. You can check it all out at http://www.homestarrunner.com/ . Here are samples from the site, like:
A Strong Bad Email: Strong Bad talks about wrestling…what do you expect? It’s my blog.
The first episode of the cult favorite, The Teen Girl Squad!
And ads,like this…it’s creepy because it’s exactly represents my feelings on fast food.

Angry Video Game Nerd- This guy is hilarious. James Rolfe, aspiring filmmaker and internet media maven, is the Angry Video Game Nerd, a nerd who reviews the worst video games of our childhood. His reviews are not just entertaining (warning: ALL of them contain huge amounts of foul language and poop jokes) but make great points that all wannabe and current game creators should bear in mind when making a video game. His early videos are a little bit crude looking, but now that he has financial backing from http://www.gametrailers.com/ and http://www.screwattack.com/ , his videos have a greater quality and even have special effects. His videos can be seen at those sites, on youtube, or at his personal website http://www.cinemassacre.com/. Here are some of my favorites:
Thou shalt not play Wisdom Tree games!
No wonder Silver Surfer is seen as a D list superhero.
The Nerd doesn’t only go after games, but crappy video game accessories as well. Take this, Sega 32X!

Cinefiles- The top contestants from IFC's Ultimate Film Fanatic have gathered together for a round table discussion and debate about various film topics. Their show airs in NYC on a local cable access channel, but they have extended their reach by posting their episodes on youtube along with having a myspace page. Unlike many wannabe critics on the internet, these guys don't crap on all movies like a guy who hates movies nor think a film is good with reasons like "It's just totally awesome!" or "Dude, she shows her tits in it!" These guys know their stuff or at least think that they know so much that they actually research to the point that they actually end up knowing their stuff. And they don't talk about regular flavor of the week movies, they do stuff like:

Discussing political documentaries. No there’s no Michael Moore in this one…they have one about him specifically here.
Talk about films inspired, based on, or totally ripping off author Philip K. Dick.
Also, the Crew debates, discusses, and disgusts over comic book movies.

The Stack- Yeah, I'm a nerd. However, I'm a thrifty nerd. I like comic books, but at $2.99 a pop the price can add up. Enter these guys. They review comics and trade paperbacks so that nerds like me get a heads up on what to check out and what to probably avoid. They cover not only the weekly books, but other stuff as well. You can see them at http://www.pulpsecret.com/ , http://www.newsrama.com/ , or subscribe to them on youtube. Some of their videos include:
Reviews of their favorite graphic novels.
Quality comics that are appropriate for you, your kid brother, and grandad.
New manga that us in the U.S. can sample.

The Kid from Brooklyn- Not to be confused with his adversary,the Guy from Boston, the Kid "tells it like is" and touts to be "The Voice of the People." The Kid is the grumpy, old man that your grandfather lives next door to that reminisces of the good ol' days but, unlike the grandpa's neighbor, acknowledges the current state of affairs. Picture if Grandpa Simpson, Lewis Black, and Archie Bunker are blended together then soaked in a marinade made of foul language and the manners of the stereotypical New Yorker. The Kid's videos can be seen at his site, http://www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com/, but I rather look at his rantings that are posted on youtube.
Disclaimer: The Kid from Brooklyn's views and obscene language, while entertaining, do not necessarily reflect the views of the author of this blog. So don't write to your congressman about me drowning America's values.
The Kid's samples are here:
Based on this rant, I think the Kid hates, hates, hates Valentines Day.
GET OUTTA BROOKLYN, STARBUCKS!
Good to see the Kid care about the state of the economy.

Deep Fried Live!- I don't watch cooking shows. They either a) focus too much on cooking for me to be entertained or b) the personalities on the show annoy me. Well, how is this cooking program different? The chef is an octopus. Did I get your attention? Chef Tako hands out real recipes in this awesome flash cartoon. Not only do you get to learn how to make various dishes while being entertained, the sidebars on the borders of the cartoon have links with various fun facts, other cooking recipes, or links to websites to purchase any necessary cookingware. You can check out the creators' webpage at http://www.8legged.com/ . Some samples are:
Chef Tako teaches us how to cook exotic birds…okay, maybe not that exotic.
Can you make a flan out of pumpkin…apparently, yes!
I never thought I’d ever entertain the thought of cooking meatloaf…until now.

The House of Cosbys- What's better than one Bill Cosby? How about a house filled with them? Let me explain via the theme song:
He was a Cosby fan at heart, it's clear
He searched and found a Cosby hair
He spent ten long years and built a cloning machine
And now he's accomplished his wonderful dream
To make a House of Cosbys
It's a House of Cosbys

Rather than spoil it for you, watch the first episode of this funny yet unfortunately discontinued cartoon that you can easily search for on youtube. Be forewarned, some episodes have crude language and some Cosby related nudity.

So if you're bored, check some of these things out. Also, please send a link to some of your favorite ongoing internet video series on the comments page to this email to share your favorite videos with me and my fellow blog readers. Peace.

I'm Online. Go Me.

2008-04-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

So this guy has been recording us budding comedians at Bonkers Comedy Club and posting video of our sets online on his website. You can watch me here. I did okay. This was my first set in a long while and in front of a sorority that had a mixer at the club. Real post later.

(Video is in Quicktime format and works best in Firefox)

Do You Smell What Barack Is Cooking?

2008-04-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

Now, I shy away from discussing partisan politics on my blog. Usually it's due to these reasons:
1) I don't think I'm educated enough to eloquently explain my position on issues/candidates.
2) I don't care about or don't trust certain issues or candidates.
3) I'm a moderate, so I don't like most politicians. Also, if I might agree with some ideas from one candidate and disagree with the candidate's other ideas and I state about the stuff I like about the candidate, people will ask me why I like him/her because of the stuff I would usually disagree with. Just because I support the eating of hamburgers doesn't mean that I endorse McDonalds.
4) If I make a public political statement it would be held against me or someone would try to debate me to death to convince me to be on their side when I have no interest in convincing them to be on my side. So if you disagree with me, that's fine. Just don't expect me to defend my position to you because quite frankly, my opinion doesn't even equal 1% of a deciding vote and ultimately, I have other things to do then play an armchair political pundit game of which I have no deep interest in.

Now, with that being said, I'm going to break my usual political silence. Here goes. I don't know if I'm voting for John McCain. I don't know if I'd vote for Barack Obama. All I know is that I'm not voting for Hillary Clinton. But why? It's not because she's a woman. It is not because I disagree with the majority of her policies (which doesn't mean that I do agree with her policies). It's because I don't like her. Why? She seems fake, or if the other candidates are also fake, she is the worst at being fake. Also, she annoys me. Obama and McCain do not.

Is that a childish reason? Yes. However, I know that no matter who gets to be president, there will ultimately be some things being done that I agree with and stuff that I don't agree with. If you think you are going to get the leader that does everything you want him/her to do, you couldn't be more misguided if you tried. So with that mindset, I look at some of the issues and the candidates' demeanors and I think that I wouldn't mind McCain or Obama being president.

I don't think that way about Hillary. John McCain strikes me as an experienced person that knows what he's talking about and is willing to listen to input from other people regardless of party. Obama strikes me as an idealist that wants to change the U.S. for the better while accepting the guidance and wisdom of other people. Hillary strikes me as a person who will do her agenda without really paying attention to what is really going on. I think she even takes her husband, the former president's, advice with a grain of salt. That and I either don't agree with her views or don't agree with her methods of obtaining the views that I agree with.

So let be known to the world, that the candidate that I will vote for in 2008 will be...Not Hillary Clinton. Thus I will post a bumper sticker on my car that reads "No Clinton in '08." Actually, I won't do that because bumper stickers are hard to remove and I don't want to be the future equivilant of the guy that still has a Gore/Lieberman sticker on his car in 2008.

On another note, it's been established on every other radio show in the country that Barack Obama and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson sound creepily alike. However, I never knew how much until I saw this video. I'm sorry, Mr. Obama, but it's called the WWE title now. I hope you do win the primary from the "thong wearing fatty," though.

Barnesharmonymatch.com.org.tv/Colonel's Profile

2008-04-03T17:09:00.001-07:00

This one is for the Colonel.

Eric is one of most levelheaded men I've met. His wit and knowledge are as quick and solid as roundhouse kick from one of his heroes, Chuck Norris. His love of God and reason is as huge as the muscles of his other hero, Mr. T. His nickname The Colonel fits him well, due to his ability to lead and teach. Just because he sees all things from all perspectives doesn't mean that he tries to be all things to all people. As a reverend, he is able to bring and distribute hope to others. As a friend, he brings more love and truth than most. It is impossible for Eric to be more mellow. Seriously, the man is calmer and more tranquil than most trees. His sense of humor is as big and as wide as two grizzly bears duct taped together. Ladies, date him already. Hippies need not apply.

Hope this helps, bud.

Barnesharmonymatch.com.org.tv. or Single? Let Me Tell You About My Friend, Jen...

2008-04-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

Okay. I apparently did a bang up job for not only Shannon, but Rachael as well in terms of profiles for dating sites. I've had more requests and decided that if you wish for me to write a profile for you, whether you are male or female, I will gladly do so if asked. The only catch is that I have to put it up publicly on my blog and that you get no say in how you are described. One that note, let me tell about my friend who is also in Japan named Jen.

Jen loves PBR. And by PBR, I mean Peanut Butter and Running. Seriously, you can't catch her, but she'd appreciate it if you tried to keep pace with her. Jen also loves everything that has to do with people: hanging out with friends, hanging out with new people, hanging out with old people, going out to find people, and even travel to another country to teach people. Jen has learned multiple languages in order to connect with even more people. Jen's love of meeting people is only matched by her need of helping people. Jen's brain is actually a sponge; wanting to learn everything outside the familiar and read whatever is available. Jen has a warm grin that has the innate ability to make you smile back. She's like Phoebe from the sitcom, Friends, only not a dimwit. If you want to change lives and need a partner in crime, look her up. She lives with Rachael.

Colonel, you are next.

What's Happening to America's Muppets?

2008-04-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

I was putzing around today wondering what has happened to the Muppets since their hey-day. I mean we do see them pop up now and again, what with Sesame Street still being on the air, but some have done some stuff to make ends meet, scandals have risen, and others have fallen waiting for help to get picked up. Here's what I have found on YouTube about the current status of some of our felt-filled friends.

Beaker has finally come out of his shell, revealing that he is actually one hit wonder, Rick Astley.

Count Von Count has revealed to the public, in song no less, that he has a sex addiction. Please send him your support.

Cookie Monster's cookie cravings have gone too extreme as well.

Jim Henson Productions teamed up with Quentin Tarantino in a story in which pulp meets fluff.

Rob Zombie wanted in on a project as well.

The Monster Muppets left the rest of the crew to join REM of all people.

There are rumors that some Muppets slightly altered their appearance in order run for president. PROOF!

After working with Quentin and Rob, Peter Jackson asked the Muppets to assist in developing a soundtrack for The Lord of the Rings. Ultimately, Peter hired an orchestra.

Despite this setback, Spike Lee wanted to work with the Muppet's Fischer Price Divison.

Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem also got a chance to collaborate with Elton John once again...FOR A METAL ALBUM!!!

Well, I hope things continue to thrive for Muppetkind and I hope and wish they each find their own rainbow connection, whatever and wherever that may be.

Barnes' WrestleWeekend Journal

2008-03-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

Let me foreworn you, fellow readers, that this is a long entry. I suggest you either have nothing better to do or, like a good ice cream sandwich, indulge in little bites. This past weekend was one of the best weekends in recent memory...as a matter of fact, I didn't have this much fun since probably early 2006. I wish to share with you my journey into the heart of my WrestleWeekend. Don't worry, non-wrestling fans, this isn't just a "this match was good, this wasn't, blah, blah." Don't get me wrong, there is some of that, but like most adventures it is about the journey rather than the destination. The days and occurances of the journal are accurate and the times are approximate. Without further delay, I give you Barnes' WrestleWeekend Journal.

Friday, March 28, 2008

3:39AM- I wake for my last day of work until Tuesday. I have my hair cut, my beard trimmed, and the rest of my face shaven. I brush, floss, and Listerine like I usually do, but I do the routine twicefold. After all, I have to be presentable when I meet Ric Flair.

8: 09AM- It is reported by the weatherman (or meteorologist if you want to technical about it) that Ric Flair's limo just got into the parking lot. The anchors are surprised that he would arrive in a limo. I shake my head at them. Before Ric's arrival into the studio, all the techs bet on how many people would be in his entourage aside from Flair himself. Rollen, my supervisor, bets 5. Scott, the male anchor, thinks he's coming alone. I suggest three. After all, Flair needs three men to have his Four Horsemen.

8:15AM- Flair and his men walk into the studio during the live broadcast. He has three gentlemen in suits with him. Called it. Flair sits down on a padded chair and the PA brings coffee in a CW mug. I ended up getting that mug (IT WAS WASHED, DON'T WORRY). For further details on this encounter, read my Relflections on Ric Flair blog.

3:20PM- After a nice lunch at BD's Mongolian BBQ (one of the best restaurants ever), my weekend starts at the cinema for Run, Fatboy, Run. It's no Hot Fuzz, but it was a solid comedy. I look forward to buying it on DVD used at my local MovieStop two years from now.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

6:18PM- I arrive at the Ring of Honor's Supercard of Honor III show being held at the local rec center. This is Ring of Honor's second show ever in Florida, the first one being the night before. I park in a dirt lot, giving a strange man $5 to park there. I ask if the lot was going to be guarded. He said yes and I'd have to present my ticket stub in order to gain access. I park and the man asks me to move closer to the other car. I explain to him that a) I'm not 2D and cannot shimmy through the cars when I open the door and b) I'd take you more seriously if you actually had a paved lot with lines and not a dirt pile with uneven terrain. He couldn't argue against that, so I got my space to breathe and proceeded to the rec center.

6:31PM- I wait in line to get in. I already have tickets but there is still a line? WTF? At the entranceway, I see a wheelchair-bound man with a beard and rags asking for change and cracking jokes. He was entertaining and I was inspired that a man that was that down on his luck would be so jovial. Then the heavyset woman in front of me explained that he was a local indy wrestler and that was his gimmick; he wasn't really homeless or crippled. Now, I can somewhat understand if this was a comedy skit for some candid-camera-esque show, but how are you going to get a gimmick like that over with the crowd as a wrestler when your character CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO THE RING. There was also a real person in a wheelchair, so this had to be a real smack in the mouth to him. This, along with being scrawny as hell, is why you'll never make it past indy level, buddy.

6:46PM- I'm inside, make a beeline to the restroom, then head to the merchandise table. I got this t-shirt, an action figure, a DVD featuring Samoa Joe vs. Kenta Kobashi in one of the most brutal matches not involving blood, and a Best of Chikara DVD for a great deal. What's Chikara? Imagine if Monty Python, a comedy on Telemundo, and a Japanese game show merged together and had a wrestling show. Those are my kind of people.

7:06PM- I sit in my chair on the floor. Great view. On my left is a morbidly obese gentleman who is covering up his bodily odor with Aqua Velva. It's not working. In front of my me is an even more obese gentleman who smells like moldy tangerines and a festering washrag. I politely try to make conversation with both gentlemen to try to overlook the odors and make friends. They both snub me. So that's why they smell: they're assholes!

7:21PM- Nine minutes until bell-time and the guy who is seated at my right sits down. I ask him if he knew what the card was. In a polite British accent, the guy stated he didn't know. We hit it off and, as if I were an ambassador to the U.S., welcomed him to the States. He stated that he just got off the plane and beelined here for the show. At last minute, he decided to fly down here for the weekend for this show and Wrestlemania the following night since buttons are worth more than the American dollar nowadays. We then proceeded to yell and chant for the show to begin.

7:30PM- Go Shiozaki beat Delirious- This was a fun comedy match. Delirious' character is a masked wrestler that's a little crazy and his catchphrase is simply saying, "BAHHH!" loudly. Go is an import from Dragon Gate, a wrestling promotion in Japan. Fans were all chanting, "GO! GO! GO!" while Delirious fans shouted, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" This reminds me why I love going to indy wrestling shows. Go wins with a brainbuster-esque move. This is gonna be a fun show.

7:44PM- YRR defeated D.I.N.G.O.- A person pushing another person in a wheelchair tries to find their seats. My British buddy and I move our chairs to let them through. The fat a-holes don't. Seriously, guys. The Brit and I have no idea who any of these wrestlers are except one guy on D.I.N.G.O. is Luke from the old WWF tag team, The Bushwackers. He does the trademark Bushwacker wavy-arms walk and licks the faces of nearby fans. I'm not making this up. It was short and fun, but these a-holes are pissing me off.

7:56PM- The No Remorse Corps retained the ROH tag titles against The Vulture Squad. Lots of flying, lots of near falls, and the crowd was buzzing. Larry Sweeney, my new wrestling hero, entertains the crowd, tossing business cards at us for his Sweet and Sour Inc. stable and management team. He calls out NRC leader Roderick Strong and asks him to join his group. He declines which causes Erick Stevens to come out and brawl with him.

8:09PM- Erick Stevens vs. Roderick Strong in a no-contest- Good lord. Guys, I know that you are building up a PPV match, but geez. Both men chopped each other on the chest so hard that not only did the sick cracks vibrate in the building but BOTH MEN'S CHESTS WERE BLEEDING. No fake blood (which doesn't actually exist in pro wrestling) or using a razorblade to make cuts. Legit, hardway blood. They both did blade (cutting themselves at the top the skull to let blood cover their faces) after exchanging hits to the turnbuckle. They both exchange stiff forearms to the head and neck. The Brit and I remark on how we can hear the smacks of flesh. The finale was Strong hitting Stevens with an unprotected chairshot to the skull. Stevens is an idiot or wants a two year career if he agrees to do that. The sound resonates to the point in that the crowd quiets down in shock. Then some of the crowd chants, "HOLY SHIT." The villain Strong beckons his NRC to come to ring and shave off Stevens' mohawk in the middle of the ring. Stevens, you better hope that your PPV match draws a lot of money to justify killing your braincells and losing your hairstyle. The Brit and I both remark on how it was cool to watch, but grossly unnecessary to enhance both men's careers.

8:27PM-Age of the Fall beats The Briscoe Brothers- The Briscoes are good ol' boys who love to fly. Age of the Fall are emo kids trying to change the world. Let the ideologies clash. These guys fought in the crowd most of the match, which sucks since most of the time you can't see what's going on. Jay Briscoe suplexed Tyler Black into our section, chairs flying about, and brawling everywhere. The seating chart is now worthless. On the other side of the building, Jay Briscoe jumps off the top of the bleachers through a table when his opponent moves out of the way. The Brit stands on his chair and gives me play by play. I'm too large to stand on my chair without breaking it and killing myself. Good crowd interaction along with a great finish.

8:42PM- Intermission- The Brit and I don't want to pay $6 for a crappy burger and $1 for a can of soda, so we sit and talk about politics, the greatness and crappiness of Guy Richie, our struggles to find jobs in media (he's a film student, just graduated), and how we both hope the American economy gets better. He's loyal to the Crown, but wants the U.S. to succeed and pick itself up. I comment how I'd love to travel across the pond and visit his country. In July, of course. He laughs. My kind of bloke.

9:15ishPM- Intermission ends. The tangerine-dishrag man sits on his seat and extends his legs, backing into my seat to the point that he might as well be sitting on my lap. I politely ask him to scoot forward. He moves an eighth of an inch forward. I'd punch him in the mouth, but that would make him worth my anger. The Brit graciously offers me some of his leg room and moves his chair to his right.

9:17PM- BxB Hulk and SHINGO beat Kevin Steen and El Generico- Another match featuring wrestlers from Dragon Gate. I don't know why, but a lot of Japanese wrestlers like to incorporate English or some form of it into their wrestling names. That being said, I have no idea what a BxB Hulk is. I imagine that it is under 6 feet tall, is muscular, and has the best red Marge Simpson mullet I've ever seen. I imagine that because that was what was in front of me. SHINGO (it has be spelled in all caps for emphasis I suppose) looks like a regular Japanese wrestler. El Generico, a crowd favorite, is a white skinny guy in a luchadore (Mexcian wrestler) mask and loves to scream "Ole!" during his matches. Kevin Steen is the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man with the speed of Lance Armstrong. Fun match with Steen doing a moonsault (a backflip from the top rope) and the Japanese team getting the victory. Great match with fans chanting "OLE-OLE-OLE-OLAYYYYYY---OLAYYYYY---OLAYYYY!" like at a soccer match during the contest.

9:34PM- ROH Champion Nigel McGuinness beat Austin Aries to retain the ROH title- Great mat wrestling and hard hits. Aries did a few high flying moves from the the top rope and did some stiff knees to the head of Nigel. 2/3rds of the crowd chanted, "LET'S-GO-AUSTIN" while the Brit, the rest of the crowd, and myself yelled, "LET'S-GO-NIGEL" in a chant exchange. There were many false finishes that had the crowd buying into the match and locked into it. No one was at the bathroom, merch table, or concessions. Nigel hit a lariat on Aries so hard that everyone in the building heard the crack. I honestly thought Aries injured his jaw. Nigel got the pin which made my Englishman friend happy since Nigel is a fellow countryman.

Age of the Fall comes out and wants Austin to join them. He accepts. Then Tammy Sytch, formerly Sunny in WWF, comes out to try to change Austin's mind. Doesn't work. AOTF try to beat down Tammy and the Briscoes come out to the rescue. Meh. I'm not going to see the rematch, so I don't care.

10:04PM- The Muscle Outlaws defeated CIMA, Dragon Kid, and Ryo Saito- Holy crap. All these guys are from Dragon Gate and man did they steal the show. I think they did every single move ever in pro wrestling...then invented nine more during the match. There were so many spots in which I thought, "Well, that's gonna end the match" and I was totally wrong. The fans were really into it, counting along with the refree throughout the contest. When the match ended, the fans and I chanted, "ARI-GATO!" which means "Thank you" in Japanese and "PLEASE COME BACK!" while all six men bowed and said thanks.

10:43PM- Shows over and we start to move toward the exits. The Brit and I shake hands. It occurs to the both of us that we didn't introduce ourselves. I state my name was Erik. His is Ed. Huh. English Ed. I tell him to enjoy the rest of his time in the States and to have fun at Wrestlemania (he has floor seats, the lucky limey). He says that he will and wishes me well. I said, "Cheers" and he responded in kind. I walked over to my car at the "lot" and find it to be unguarded. I had too much fun to care and no one did anything to my vehicle, so I drove home.

11:48PM- The usually 15 minute drive took me almost an hour. I watched a little bit of my Chikara DVD and went to sleep.

Sunday, March 30, 2008- WRESTLEMANIA XXIV

12:15PM- I leave my home on the quest to find good parking at Amway Arena to take the free shuttle to the Citrus Bowl. I pass the parking area twice and was guided by a Parking Rep to go to Lot 1. Lot 1? Sounds good and close. Too bad that Lot 1 was full. And was for handicapped parking only. So I paid my five bucks and went to nearest garage. I had to drive all the way to the top floor. I think if I stood on my tippy toes, I could have touched the sun. I proceeded to the shuttle and arrived at the Citrus Bowl.

1:18PM- I'm outside the Citrus Bowl knawing on an overpriced burger and chicken fingers. I should have known that there weren't any real restaurants near the Bowl. Ah well. I get the full experience this way. I walk around the Bowl and there are fans EVERYWHERE. In a gated area, there was a live band and various stands advertising local media outlets and businesses abound. There was fan trivia and merch tables galore. There were fans interacting, talking, yelling, debating, young ones cheering for John Cena, old ones talking about the hey-day of Ric Flair, snooty ones stating that independent wrestling is better, college-educated ones talking about how wrestling is the last surviving art of vaudeville and theater-of-the-round, hillbillies who can't separate fantasy from reality are polishing off beer number 16 and discussing on how Hulkamania changed their lives, and confused girlfriends wondering how the hell did their boyfriends convince them to come to such a place. It was part Wrestling Convention/part Wrestling Woodstock. These people are mutants, but dammit, they are MY MUTANTS! I enter the mass and join with my people.

1:49PM- I find out the doors don't open until 4:30PM, so I walk about and head to the merch table. I got a few t-shirts like this, this, and this. I went to a separate stand and got some binoculars just in case. There was nothing wrestling related on the box or at the stand, but when I opened it up the Wrestlemania logo was pasted on them. Destiny is weird.

2:14PM- I walked around and TNA, a rival wrestling promotion that tapes it's nationally aired TV show here in Orlando, had a huge video wall just outside Citrus Bowl property advertising for its upoming pay-per-view, Lockdown. There were members of TNA's street team passing out flyers advertising for the event and it's program on Spike TV. It is stuff like this that will prevent WWE from doing Wrestlemania from Orlando in the near future.

2:32PM- I sit in the shade of an awning, reading, and sipping a beer. I'm seated next to three guys from Portland, OR that are stoked about the event. We discuss what matches to we are looking forward to, predictions, and whatnot. Nice guys. They had to leave in order to get a buddy that was having trouble finding parking. We exchanged goodbyes and nice-meeting-yous.

2:56PM- After a little bit of reading, I decided to walk around a little more. I got another beer. Believe it or not, it was one of the cheaper concessions at the event. I spoke to an older guy, who has been following Ric Flair's career for almost 20 years. He stated that "this generation sucks" and the new fans "need to learn their history." I'd be hardpressed to disagree, but not as harshly as he proclaimed. Then a few feet away, I looked to my right and saw him. Tangerine-Dishrag Man. He tried to catch my gaze, but I dashed before I could be turned into stone.

3:15PM- I stand in line to use the port-a-potty. Three guys dressed up like HHH, Shawn Michaels, and the Undertaker walk around and pose for pictures. The costumes are awesome. Even wearing 6 inch lifts in his shoes, "Undertaker" was still under 6 feet tall. I tried to take a photo of them with my camera phone. Then I realized my camera phone sucks. A New Yorker and I chat while in line. We discuss how some guys try to break into this industry when, with all due to respect to their hard work and their dreams, they have no business trying. The New Yorker is apparently friends with two local wrestling promoters/trainers and how they turn down a bunch of guys who are too unathletic (skinny or obese) or have too little charisma to make it. I stated that I concur with his statements, but proclaimed that if they want to achieve their dream, go for it...but don't expect any financial success. I also told him of my experience in wrestling school in Cincinnati and how I left the school because a) most of the students there were morbidly obese or made out of plastic straws, so I knew the instructor was just taking their money, b) the guy wasn't sure how to critique my bumping (taking falls), and c) most of the wrestling he was teaching was for lighter guys under 6 feet tall because he was under 6 feet tall. I'm sorry, but a guy my size isn't going to do arm drags or headscissors. He agreed with my accessment (he apparently heard of the school I was at) and told me that I had a good look for wrestling so I might have a shot once I get back into it. I said thanks, used the facilities, bumped knuckles with New Yorker, and we told each other to enjoy the show.

4:18PM- I wait in line (again with the lines, I HAVE TICKETS ALREADY!) to get into the Bowl. I call Ed Stewart and give him some details, telling him that I talked to guys from England, New York, Portland, and that I saw a few Japanese guys walking around speaking in their native tongue. After stating this, the man to my left told me he came from Scotland in an accent so thick that it had to be real. After jawing with Ed, I talked to two guys from Chicago who bought tickets from a scalper and were drinking 40s that they got from a gas station. I should have thought of getting food from there. That being said, I got a third beer.

4:30PM- We are let in. The mob goes nuts and heads to concessions for $6 funnelcakes and $8 slices of pizza the size of a Ritz cracker. I get to my seat. Not a bad view. The wrestlers are about the size of action figures. I use my binoculars to properly adjust them to view the ring. Then I thought, you know, if I use the binoculars I can only see part of the ring up close in shaky vision. Besides, if I wanted to watch it from that perspective, I'd watch it on TV. Also, if something happens and I can't see, there is a giant screen hanging above the ring that I can watch from. I then put my binolculars in my pocket to save for other events. Seated to my right is a 7 year old kid with his two guardians. We actually conversed and I asked him stuff like, "Who's your favorite wrestler, who do you want to win, is this your first live event, etc.?" Cool kid. To my left are a Hispanic couple who speak en espanol, however we had friendly banter in English. In front of me, to my left was a young couple from Texas. I ask the pretty lady if she actually liked this or if her boyfriend dragged her here. She responded that she grew to like wrestling and actually purchased the tickets as Christmas gift for her boyfriend. I immediately asked if she had a sister who was single. No luck. She asked if the boy to my right was my son. I responded with a quick, matter-of-fact, "Oh, hell no. Oh, dear Lord, no." She laughed. The boy laughed. I walked to get an overpriced burger.

5:17PM- I get my final beer of the day and wait in line for a burger. The guy on my right nudged me and HOLY CRAP! It's my British buddy, English Ed! Out of the 74,000+ people and seemingly dozens of food stands we bump into each other! We exchanged greetings, spoke a little, and told each other to enjoy the show, especially since he got great seats towards ringside. "Cheers, Erik." Cheerio, Ed. Cheerio.

6:30PM- The pre-show has started and the three seats in front of me are vacant. The little kid and I plan on moving forward and upgrading ourselves if no one shows up when real show starts. The Wrestlemania pre-show featured a 24 man battle royal (since this is the 24th Wrestlemania) with the winner facing ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero for the ECW title later on in the night. It was quite short, only going five minutes. The kid was cheering for almost everybody which is fine and I encourage that at a wrestling show. The problem was that since he is 7 and his testicles have yet to descend, he has a high pitched shrill. I think I lost a third of my hearing in my right ear due to a shriek of "COME ON, TOMMY DREAMER!!!!" Afterward, the guardians apparently noticed my plight and graciously asked their boy to sit in-between them. I thanked them and told them if he needed to use my binoculars, that he is more than welcome to them. Kane won, so he'll face Chavo later in the show.

7:00PM- Wrestlemania XXIV begins! John Legend is introduced and sings "America the Beautiful." Too many fans stand up and don't know that this is not the national anthem. John Legend is a good singer. I ain't buying an album though. It starts to sprinkle. I'm too excited to care. Fireworks shot off into the open air. A plane with a banner stating WOOO!!! GO TO MEN'S FANTASY! flew around throughout the night. At this point, I didn't look at my watch, so no more estimated times.

JBL beats Findlay in a Belfast Brawl- A good ol' fight to open stuff up. Fans loved Hornswoggle. I was in the lowest upper deck and I could hear the sound of trash cans hitting skulls. I heard the crunch of man being tossed into a table in the turnbuckle. JBL clotheslined the snot out of Findlay for the pin.

Kim Kardashian ("star" of the "hit reality show," Meet the Kardashians) talked about Money in the Bank Ladder match. Mr. Kennedy yelled his name near her face. Glorious.

CM Punk wins the Money in the Bank ladder match- Chris Jericho's entrance was huge! Man, the pyro was awesome but afterward I thought I was inhaling a sparkler. It was huge with the video wall imprinting huge letters saying, SAVE_US Y2J. I yelled out "We're saved!!!," much to the laughter and appreciation of those around me. I love watching ladder matches on TV. Watching it live, however, I thought that I was doing something illegal like attending a cock fight. Good Lord. These guys took tumbles from such a height...man, watching it live...you know I can't find words. There was a huge see-saw spot in the ring in which everyone got smacked around and guys lept from top rope onto ladders and...man, I just can't fathom it. Matt Hardy came out and the whole Citrus Bowl expoded with chants of "HARDY! HARDY! HARDY!" Punk eventually got up and grabbed the briefcase. Huh. Pleasant surprise. The seats in front of me are filled by four little 9 year olds...but there were only three seats available...and their female guardian was hanging out on the aisleway watching them. Hmm.

The WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2008 were introduced. Mae Young got the biggest reaction and is still feisty at the age of 85. Then a skit involving Snoop Dog, Santino Marella, and Festus aired. It got some good laughs.

Batista beat Umaga- The crowd loved Batista's entrance...and that's it. The crowd was quiet mostly until Batista did a powerbomb to win it. The sprinkles stopped. It was windy the rest of the show.

Kane beat Chavo Guerrero for the ECW Championship- Chavo was introduced first and then Kane's entrance music and pyro fired off. Flames surrounded the front of the stage and with the video wall showing burning buildings with red lights and hues. I was no longer at the Citrus Bowl. I was in the bowels of Hell. Kane came at Chavo from behind, chokeslammed him, and pinned him. The total match time was less than 30 seconds. Rip off, but still I like the fact Kane is champ now.

Raven Simone, of television's The Cosby Show and That's So Raven, came out to discuss her and WWE's partnership with the Make A Wish Foundation. The cameramen showed all the Make-A-Wish kids that attended the event. Good stuff.

Shawn Michaels pinned Ric Flair, retiring him.- This was the match I was looking forward to the most. Michaels came up to a mix of cheers and boos from the crowd. Then Ric Flair emerged from the curtain. Everyone was standing. Flair arrived in probably the best feathered robe in the history of ever. The best way to describe it is with the message I texted my friend Tommy: "Behold, the Blue Rooster of Hope." These guys had a great match. Men chanted Flair's name over and over. Towards the end, the camera zoomed in on Michaels' face as he mouthed, "I'm sorry. I love you." and zoomed out to see Michaels kick the hell out of Ric's jaw and pin him. In slow motion replay, you can see legitimate impact. Afterward, Michaels hugged Ric, left the ring quickly, without time for fanfare. I led my section in a chant of "THANK YOU, RIC!" and others started similar chants in other sections. The cameras zoomed in on Flair's face, sobbing. I looked around and saw grown men, women, and kids cry. I got a little choked up as well. Just before I wrote this, I read a report stating that Flair outright refused to go on last at the show because he did not want to overshadow any of the title matches or any of the younger guys. A class act. Long Live The Nature Boy.

There's a promo with Edge. The fans yelled BOOOOOOO. Mission accomplished.

WWE Women's Champion Beth Phoenix & Melina defeated Maria & Ashley Massaro in a Bunnymania Match featuring Snoop Dogg as guest ring announcer- Security comes by and tells the woman in aisle that she cannot stay stand there and watch the show. She explains how she has a ticket but it's far away from where the kids she is accompanying are sitting. I smell scalper. After a long debate, we in the section tell the security person that she is literally watching the kids and not the show so we aren't bothered. The security guys turns a blind eye to the situation and we proceed to watch the "match." The little boys in front of me were excited to see the ladies. I proceeded to comment that the boys had no idea what they were excited about. The crowd around me seemed to echo the statement. The wrestling sucked. Man, it was awful. In the middle of the match, the power went out in the stadium and damage control began. The back-up generator kicked in and all the spotlights were focused on the ring. The match had a mercy killing, ending around 5 minutes. The only cool part was when Snoop Dogg beat up oafish wrestler, Santino Marella, who had accompanied the evil team in the match. Another security guy spoke to the woman on the aisle causing friction among the security staff. Ultimately, the woman remained unmoved. The Texan couple proceeded to walk up and get some refreshments. The lady on the aisle proceeded to sit in their seats knowing that they would be back. That pissed me off. I didn't say anything because I didn't want the kids to be kicked out of a cool wrestling show because their guardian is an irresponsible jerkbag.

Randy Orton defeated John Cena & Triple H to retain the WWE Championship in a Triple Threat Match- John Cena entered with a marching band playing his theme. That's kinda cool. HHH had a sweet entrance involving pyro shooting off, encircling the bowl. The power was back on in full force. The crowd seemed primarily split between HHH and John Cena with a few Orton fans shouting out. The Texans came back in the middle of the match and jerkbag thankfully went back to the aisle without incident. The match was pretty fun to watch with the villain Orton stealing a win after HHH hit Cena with a pedigree. The Hispanic guy, the Texan, and I were all okay with that because that meant Cena wasn't the champ.

Floyd Mayweather defeated Big Show- This match was okay. The entrances went too long and the crowd was very pro-Big Show. That's bad because Big Show was supposed to be the bad guy in this match. This was the best boxer vs. wrestler match ever...which doesn't say anything since all previous boxer vs. wrestler matches sucked. A wrestler can't box and a boxer can't wrestle. That being said, the two guys did fairly well. Mayweather sold his moves very well and there was copious amounts of interference from Mayweather's posse. It took over 7 people, a steel chair, and brass knuckles for Floyd Mayweather to beat Show. The crowd booed Floyd which apparently shocked WWE matchmakers. Seriously guys. I don't care that Floyd was the David in this David vs. Goliath recreation. If David had seven big guys, a trident, and had God punch Goliath to beat him, we'd side with the giant, too. Afterward, jerkbag told the boys that they had to leave, just before the main event. I feel bad for the kids. Then after they left, I upgraded, sitting in their former seats for the main event.

Undertaker beat Edge for World Heavyweight Championship- Undertaker had a great entrance. It was eerie, creepy, and had lightning and pyro. It was a grand experience. Then a handful of people started to leave in order to beat traffic. Their loss. These guys had a great match with many false finishes. When Undertaker finally made Edge submit, the crowd went nuts. The Undertaker's entrance theme with the "BONG" bell ringing and fireworks shooting into the sky and down toward the ring made for a grand finale...except that some fireworks went off incorrectly on one row, burning 35 people (as of this writing no serious injuries or burns are reported). A great show, great experience.

I then walked over to the shuttle passing several guys selling bootleg t-shirts. I saw that one bootlegger had t-shirts that said "WrestleMadness." I shook my head because he had no idea why no one was buying them. When I got to the shuttle, I had a conversation with three other Floridians expressing our thoughts on the show. We got off the shuttle, said our goodbyes, and went to the parking garage. The elevator was packed. I took the stairs. I climbed to the top floor. It was then I was aware of one of two possibilities. My car was either stolen or I was at the wrong garage. Some expletives, a flight of stairs downward, a walk across the street, and a flight of stairs upward later, I was finally at my car. I drove home and went to bed, knowing that I had one of the best times I've ever experienced. Now, as I sit here sipping coffee from the mug that Ric Flair drank from, I want to say thanks to all the people that helped make this weekend fun, were with me in spirit, and I wish all of you a good day.

Single and Live in Japan? Let Me Tell You About My Friend, Rachael...

2008-03-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

So apparently I did a great job in making a profile for Shannon. She just informed me today that she connected with some guy online remarking on the "Lewis Black with boobs" comment. I'm glad to have been of service. If you read the "Comments" section of that blog, my friend Rachael, who is teaching English in Japan, requested that I do one for her. Man, I wanna go to Japan someday...sorry, mind drifted. Anyway, here's my profile for her:

Rachael is petite in stature, but gigantic in heart. She sticks to her beliefs while listening to yours, disagrees with you when you are wrong and reassures you when you are right. Rachael will laugh for reasons unbeknownst to you but that won't stop you from joining in on the apparent joke. She is playful like a child but has wisdom of people many years her senior. She, like the stereotypical mom, loves crafts, cooking, and playing with kids. She, unlike the stereotypical mom, will take risks, sing unabashed, and be politically/socially aware and active. Have you seen "Amelie"? That's her minus the Frenchness. You might not give a damn, but she does, so at least consider it. Her smile is addictive and her hugs are like a blanket wrapped around you. Wanna try something new? So does she. Daily. Maybe you should ask if you can accompany her on an adventure and take pictures (she likes pictures).

That's it. So if you are in Japan or are willing to wait for a long, long, long, long time in the United States for her to come back home, give her a holler. A link to her blog is on the right. Peace.

Reflections of Ric Flair

2008-03-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

This weekend is Wrestlemania Weekend and Orlando is buzzing with various appearances at local Walmarts, Best Buys, FYE's, Border's Bookstores, and local libraries. However, this morning our TV station had an interview with the legend, the Dirtiest Player in the Game, The Nature Boy Ric Flair.
I was excited. Many people at the TV station were excited for me (most of them knew I am a huge wrestling fan/in training) and were asking me questions about the 16 time world champion. Like the nerd I am, I answered accurately and gave the anchors some talking points for the interview.
Flair, like the persona of excess and class he portrays, arrived in a limo. The anchors both stated "wow, he must be well off." I replied, "Yeah, um, he's lost and made back more money then I'll ever imagine." He walked in during the middle of the show with two skinny guys that I assume were WWE public relations people. He calmly sat down and sipped on coffee that one of the PA's brought to him. Then we went to commercial and set him up for the interview.
Now if you have seen Ric Flair on TV, he does not portray a quiet, mild-mannered gentleman, but a rather boisterous, near-crazy man who you can't help but react to. During the interview, Ric took the time to mention how this weekend was the most important in his career with being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame and having his (possibly last) match on Sunday. He even said, "I'm sorry if I'm being low key, but I've got a lot going on in my mind right now."
During the commercial break, a flood of people appeared out of nowhere for autographs and pictures. He patiently and gratefully posed for every photo and spoke to every person. My supervisor (who is nine sorts of awesome, by the way) took me by the arm, made a beeline toward him, and shot the photo you saw above. I got an autographed photo and was able to share a few words with The Man. I told him how much I was looking forward to his match with Shawn Michaels this Sunday and that I appreciated how long he has entertained fans like me. He smiled and humbly said, "Thank you." I didn't want to take up too much of his time, so I thanked him again, shook his hand, and left it at that.
When I looked him in the eye and shook his hand, it told me everything that was going on. I saw fear and sadness. The rumors are true. The look in his eye said, "I'm retiring for good. Now what?" Flair has been wrestling on and off for over 30 years. This is it for him. His job is done. He's also afraid. People can look up on wikipedia and see that he's had some trials in life outside of his career, but that's not what he's afraid of. He's afraid of what to do with the rest of his life. Hell, the man has wrestled longer than I have been alive. He knows nothing else.
If I had the opportunity or the right, I'd say to him that there is life after wrestling. That he'd conquered every mountain in the wrestling business; his new challenge lies elsewhere. He has nothing to fear, nothing to be sad about. Enjoy the memories, Ric. After all, you are getting a proper send off, which is something most wrestlers don't get to experience due to their career being undermined by powerful political enemies in the industry, abrupt career-ending injury, or even death. Go to the ring one last time on Sunday, leave it all in there, and learn to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
I'll join in the inevitable ovation on Sunday after your match chanting, "THANK YOU, FLAIR!"

By the way, my awesome supervisor washed and put the coffee mug Ric drank from into my bookbag while I wasn't looking. Classic.

WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 6)

2008-03-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, I swear I'll do some regular, non-wrestling blogs coming up, but those of you that know me know that I had to do it. Everyone has a favorite match on each show. So here it is:

Barnes' Favorite Match from Each Wrestlemania

WM I- Hulk Hogan and Mr. T vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper and Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff- The first Wrestlemania was known mostly for its celebrity involvement than in-ring action. What do you expect with such pop culture icons like Mr. T, Liberace, and Cyndi Lauper hanging around? The crowd dug the main event because they loved Hulk, hated Hot Rod, and were intrigued at B.A. Baracus making an in-ring debut.

WM II- WWF Tag Team Championship Match: British Bulldogs vs. Dream Team- One of the greatest tag teams in the '80's finally got it's due beating the "dream" tandem of Greg "The Hammer" Valentine and Brutus Beefcake. It's hard to find a bad Bulldog match due to the power wrestling of Davey Boy Smith and the then-unique flying style of the Dynamite Kid and this match stuck out in an otherwise mediocre wrestling card.

WM III- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat- This match has been hailed by many as the best match WWF/WWE ever had and is studied by would-be wrestlers. Great wrestling and great build-up to a satisfying end of Steamboat winning the title and avenging his "life-threatening injury" caused by the hands of the evil Macho Man caused many to consider this match the standard in wrestling.

WM IV- Ravishing Rick Rude vs. Jake "The Snake" Roberts- The fourth Wrestlemania was a show-long tournament for the vacant WWF title with many short matches. Rude and Roberts was great little fight that had vendetta involved and was a battle of awesome mustaches. Both men worked the crowd to enjoying this match despite the conclusion: a time limit draw.

WM V- WWF Title Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Macho Man Randy Savage- The Mega Powers explode! Savage's unfounded jealousy of his valet, Miss Elizabeth, paying attention to Hogan caused a rift between them. One time friends, Hulk and Macho feud over WWF title with Elizabeth in a neutral corner and were able to get the crowd going, leading to another Hogan WWF title reign.

WM VI- Title for Title: WWF Champion Hulk Hogan vs. Intercontinental Champion The Ultimate Warrior- This match was one of the first moment in which the WWF had two babyfaces (good guys) fight one another. This allowed the fans to pick sides. Who are you with? The Hulkster or the Warrior? This match, while not a mat classic, had the crowds attention and the fan interaction going. This was supposed be Hogan passing the torch to Warrior as the next big thing in wrestling. Things didn't go as planned however.

WM VII- Retirement Match: The Ultimate Warrior vs. Macho King Randy Savage- This match is probably the best in Warrior's career. Savage was a heel (bad guy) during this latest run and the match was exciting, had the crowd engaged, and had Warrior pin Savage cleanly, thus retiring him. This also had a storybook ending with the Savage reuniting with Miss Elizabeth.

WM VIII- Intercontinental Title Match: Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper- This match had great mat wrestling, good psychology, and gave a crowd a memorable finish in Hart pinning Piper cleanly. At this point, Piper had not been pinned in a WWF ring so this gave the young Hart a great push into stardom.

WM IX- Intercontinental Title Match: Tatanka vs. Shawn Michaels- This Wrestlemania is considered the worst Wrestlemania ever and even I have to agree. However, in this stinkfest Michaels and Tatanka presented a quality match. Too bad that this was opening contest and show turned sour afterward.

WM X- Owen Hart vs. Bret Hart- The match between the two brothers was a great way to kick off Wrestlemania's tenth anniversary. Great technical wrestling along with Owen's unexpected upset set up a great feud that lasted the whole summer of 1994 and then some.

WM XI- WWF Title Match: Diesel vs. Shawn Michaels- A weaker Wrestlemania card featured two real life friends duking it out and delivering a great contest. The build toward the match was weak being that the babyface was a giant and the heel was man dwarfed by most of the roster, but the two delivered and made Shawn look like a legitimate threat to the big belt. While Diesel got his hand raised, it would only be a year later when the wrestling landscape changed.

WM XII- 60 Minute Iron Man Match for the WWF Title: Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Shawn Michaels- The main event for this Wrestlemania had little to do with muscles. Hart and Michaels are both considered the best technical wrestlers of all time. Fans would argue over who was more superior a performer than the other. The winner would be the person who had the most pinfalls or decisions within a one hour period. Two lesser competitors would have trouble delivering great action and crowd attention from bell to bell, but both guys delivered. The match went into overtime with Michaels capturing his first World title after both men finished 60 minutes without a decision.

WM XIII- Submission Match: Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin- This was one of the matches that made me want to be a wrestler. The unexpectedly brutal contest was ended when a bloodied Austin passed out while in Hart's Sharpshooter submission hold. At the beginning, the fans cheered for their hero, Hart, but in the end the crowd and cheers belonged to the never-say-die Austin. This was one of the few time in which the hero and villain switched roles mid-match and succeeded.

WM XIV- Undertaker vs. Kane- When two wrestlers over 6'5" and just a hamburger away from 300 lbs. fight each other, it usually ends up being disappointing. Both men are usually lumbering. Both men usually get out of breath and are slow. In their prime, Kane and Undertaker are anything but usual. I proclaim this to be the best "big man" match ever with consistent quick brawling, power moves, and an occasional top rope move. 'Taker retained his undefeated Wrestlemania winning streak, but fans saw a star being born in Kane as he kicked out of 'Taker's Tombstone piledriver.

WM XV- WWF Title Match: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. The Rock- The two stars of the late 1990's squared off and had the crowd from bell to bell with great psychology, brawling, and charisma. Both men would later state in interviews that they brought out the best in one another and in this match you can see this to be true.

WM 2000- Triple Threat Match for the Intercontinental and European Championships Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho- This was the Wrestlemania debut for all three men. Olympic Champion Angle's lost both his Intercontinental and European titles without even being pinned. With stiff shots, great technical wrestling and non-stop action, this match would be a standard from three-way matches to come with Benoit winning the first fall becoming Intercontinental Champion and Jericho winning the second fall for the European title.

WM XVII- TLC II for the WWF Tag Team Championship- Edge and Christian vs. Hardyz vs. Dudleyz- This was the second Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match featuring all three teams from the first TLC match from the previous summer. This match went all out and had all three teams taking high bumps from the top of the ladders and getting banged up from pillar to post with tables and chairs. While the match was mostly spectacle, the wrestlers were creative using the implements granted to them and once again, stole the show at what many consider to be the best Wrestlemania card ever.

WM XVIII- No Disqualification: Undertaker vs. Ric Flair- In a great wrestling card that featured Triple H vs. Chris Jericho and The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan, why in the world would I pick Undertaker vs. Flair? Flair had been on hiatus and hadn't wrestled in a number of months; many wondering if The Dirtiest Player in the Game still had it. Of course, the Nature Boy did and the Dead Man helped. I picked this match because it was lost in the shuffle with the two main events getting the most press and promotion. Flair showed that he can still captivate a crowd and Taker was able to brush off whatever rust Flair had. Hell, the match had a brief cameo with Arn Anderson running in and doing his patented spinebuster for the first time in years. Taker got the win but fans saw that the Nature Boy was alive and well.

WM XIX- Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho- Jericho was pegged as "the next Shawn Michaels" a few years after his debut. Michaels is promoted as "the legend who can still go." Put the two together, you have a show stealer. The two of them displayed great technical wrestling, high flying moves, and great false finishes. The crowd went wild and gave both men their due after this mat classic.

WM XX- Triple Threat Match for World Heavyweight Championship: Chris Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H- This was and is still the best three way match in WWE. Great in-ring action, consistent and energetic false finishes and the then-feel-good ending of Benoit winning his only WWE World Championship made this a great way to send the crowd home happy with a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately, the real life tragedy of Benoit's double murder-suicide has overshadowed and tainted this moment, but looking at the match as a stand-alone it still holds up.

WM XXI- Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels- Michaels and Angle stole the show with Michaels' showmanship and Angle's great technical skill. Both men pulled out all the stops and presented the best match on the card. This match would allow for quality rematches throughout the rest of the year with both men ending up on an equal playing field.

WM XXII- Hardcore Match: Edge vs. Mick Foley- Most hardcore or garbage matches nowadays trade psychology, storytelling, and time for crowd reaction for bloody, high risk spots. This match reminded wrestlers how hardcore matches should be done. The bloody spots mattered, the weapons were milked to their fullest, and the match told a great story of a hard-fought battle. This match cemented Edge as a main event star and Foley got his "Wrestlemania moment" when Edge speared him through a flaming table for the pin.

WM XXIII- World Heavyweight Title Match: Undertaker vs. Batista- Okay, I'm flip-flopping. Taker vs. Big Dave could be considered the best big man match ever. Taker delivered as he usually does and Batista proved to his critics that he can have an exciting 20 minute contest and not rely solely on power moves and brawling. Both men felt cheated that they were asked to do this match in the middle of the card so they retaliated by having the best match on the card. This one was incredibly tough to follow. Kudos to you both. Oh, and Undertaker won.

WM XXIV- ?????- I don't know which match will be the best on this card. The Money in the Bank Ladder Match never disappoints and Edge vs. Undertaker for the World title might be the darkhorse candidate. I personally look forward to Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels the most because can't seem to have a bad match and Flair is rumored to be retiring after this show, so both men want to give The Nature Boy a great send off. I guess I'll have to wait a week to find out in person.

WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 5)

2008-03-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

Now, let me set the record straight: I want to be a wrestler. I really do. I really want to complete training to be given the title of "professional wrestler." Now, the question remains, do I want professional wrestling as a career. That answer is sticky. For now, the answer is no. I do want to put myself in a position in which I have to wrestle for money as opposed to getting to wrestle for money. Notice the difference? It's not that I don't think I have what it takes, but I have other dreams/interests I wish to pursue, on top of the fact that it is incredibly hard to have a family (a someday dream) while being a wrestler full time. There is no Social Security, no health benefits, your job is on the line constantly, your career can end at any moment due to injury, and there are huge long term health risks. At the same time, I am willing to put my complete safety on the line to achieve this goal I've set for myself when I was 10 years old.

However, I want to wrestle on my terms. There are many aspects in the wrestling industry that I don't like/wouldn't do. That's another thing that prevents careers: having principals. This includes sex related storylines or religous gimmicks that I wouldn't be comfortable doing. Then there is the in-ring action, which I have compiled a list. Here are:

Crazy Stuff That I Would Require Large Sums of Money/Never Do When/If I Become a Pro Wrestler

10. Ladder Match- Now, I love to watch a ladder match. When done correctly, a ladder match can steal any show. The basics of the ladder match are simple: A title belt or wanted object is hung high above the ring and the competitors have to climb a ladder to retrieve it. Whoever gets the item and pulls it down, wins. There is high chance of injury, wacky bumps (falls), and you need to trust your opponent to protect you. I'd be willing to do a ladder match, but I'd have to be paid at least $10,000. Here are the obvious risks in motion.

9. Legitimate Headbutts- I would never do a legitmate, stiff headbutt. There are already so many risks of concussions in wrestling that there is no reason to willingly kill the braincells of your opponent or yourself.

8. Wrestle Sabu- Sabu is dubbed as "suicidal, homocidal, and genocidal" and "The Human Highlight Reel." Now, while I as a fan enjoy his daredevil moves, he constantly botches them and does very little to protect his opponent. Many have complained about wrestling Sabu because he is sloppy and hurts his opponents legitmately when he screws up. I'd take a risk to wrestle him, but it'd have to be in the high hundreds since A) he's a big name and B) in case I have hospital bills later. At worst he hurts himself but he can also hurt himself and his opponent.

7. Florescent Bulbs- There is no art in breaking a florescent bulb on a person. It's dangerous and uncontrolled because of flying glass shards and inhaling the fumes that are emitted when broken. It scars your head or back and is used for cheap reactions by hacks in the ring. I have nothing against "hardcore" or "garbage" wrestling, but I can't recall anyone reacting to a broken bulb more than a nice, controlled, protected chairshot. It's overused and overrated. Not worth it. Here two idiots bloody themselves in front of an outdoor crowd that probably didn't even pay to watch them.

6. Take a Piledriver/Powerbomb from Someone Weighing Less than Me- Piledrivers and Powerbombs are usually reserved for the bigger guys that are over 6'3" and over 260 lbs. However, more and more I see lighter guys perform these moves. I have no problem using these moves on guys in your weight class, but I see men perform these moves on men significantly larger than they are. This is asinine. Piledrivers and powerbombs are risky enough even when performed correctly. I have seen too many guys dropped on their necks and head due to botched piledrivers and powerbombs. Here's the Big Show nearly getting killed.. Here is Steve Austin talking about the piledriver that ruined his life.

5. Do a Shooting Star Press- A Shooting Star Press is a move usually reserved for lighter guys, but many wrestlers of many sizes try to perform it and either a) land incorrectly on their opponent injuring their face or chest or b) land right on their neck. Ask Brock Lesnar. I think the move needs to be outlawed. The risk is high and the reward is too low. The crowd used to love the move due to the risk and it's uniqueness. It is no longer unique therefore it gets a lesser crowd reaction therefore you risked your health on a move that today gets as big of a reaction as a safe, textbook figure four leglock.

4. Unprotected Chairshot to the Head- Unprotected chairshots are dumb. Sure they make wrestling "realistic," but everyone knows it's fixed so there is no reason to not raise your hand up to protect your head. It makes the same noise as an unprotected chair shot and there is little chance of killing braincells. I don't know about you, but I don't want to kill my brain. People speculate that one of the possible reasons Chris Benoit snapped and killed his family was due to the trauma on his brain that stems from unnecessary moves like taking a chairshot full force to the head without protecting yourself. Here's Brock with another idiot move.

3. Scaffold Match- I hate scaffold matches. They suck. The rules of the scaffold match are simple. The wrestlers are on a scaffold high above the ring. The winner is the wrestler who causes his opponent to fall from the scaffold down to the ring. First off, the scaffold is so wobbly that the wrestlers don't do a lot of moves. In fact, all they do is punch. Boring. Secondly, the drop is so high and dangerous. How is it different than a ladder match? The wrestlers can actually excite a crowd during a ladder match and do a lot of moves ON THE GROUND. Scaffold matches that last more than 3 minutes get "boring" chants and the only way to save the match is to take the big plunge. Then everyone forgets about you when the next match starts. Congrats, you risked your life to a cheap crowd reaction then total apathy afterward. Note how quiet and bored the crowd is before the fall and how quickly it dissipates after the fall.

2. Chairshot to the Back of the Head- There is no reason to agree to this except to be a complete dumbass. There is no way to protect yourself, the back of the head is the most vulnerable spot on the skull, and it sends trauma to the base of the neck This fool doesn't like memories.. It also gets as much of a reaction as a regular chairshot or better yet a chairshot across the back (which is much safer, see? ).

1. Wrestle New Jack- I would never, ever agree to wrestle New Jack. He is too hostile, he doesn't work with his opponents, and frequently goes to business for himself. He is way too nuts, even for a wrestler. The man has four justifiable homocides. He legitamitely injures people and often carves his opponents with various implements. He doesn't even wrestle well, he just uses random stuff to hit his opponent with. He is purely an attraction for violence and no other entertainment value. Whether he is "living his gimmick" (being his character in the real world in order to make outsiders believe his personality) or not, the violence he commits is real. It's not worth it being a rag doll for him. Here's the sadist in action.

Next blog, my favorite match from each Wrestlemania.

Single? Let Me Tell You About My Friend, Shannon...

2008-03-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

My friend, Shannon, stated in her blog that she looked around at Match.com. She expressed embarrassment and also stated that she doesn't know what to put in her profile. I think I can help.

As an aside, there is no shame in Match.com in my opinion. I've been on a few dates that I just wanted to leave in the middle of the meal/coffee/whatever because I really didn't feel connected in any way with the person. I wanted to leave in the middle of the conversation and say "No offense, but let's not kid ourselves," get the rest of my meal to-go, sit at home in my gym shorts and watch wrestling. However, this is socially unacceptable so I suffer through the "date." Match.com and it's brethren, while milking you out of money, tends to avoid the "getting-to-know-you" stuff.

Now, Shannon, about your profile.

*Ahem* "Shannon is rude and foulmouthed, but is kind, thoughtful, and gives a great hug. Shannon will tell you to go fuck yourself, but you deserve it when you hear it. Shannon is a girl that your mom would like but also a girl that your buddies will invite to drink beer and watch UFC. Shannon would rather watch Goonies than The Devil Wears Prada. She is funny and not a bullshit Sarah Silverman-say-racist-shit-in-a-cute-way or Janene Garofalo-push-political-views-without-actually-making-a-joke funny, real humor. Like Lewis Black with boobs. She is feminine, soft, and likes to be held, but will not hesitate to kick your ass if necessary. She doesn't care what season you are wearing. She is smart and will see through your dumbassery. She is a woman, not a girl.

I hope I helped out, Shannon. If I did, you're welcome. If not, then I at least had an entertaining blog.

My Funeral

2008-03-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

You can't attend your own funeral...we'll at least not as a sentient, flesh being. However, one can plan his/her own funeral via a will, final wishes, etc. I don't know why, but this thought occurred to me and I wanted to publicly plan my own funeral. Mind you, these ideas will change over time because peoples' preferences change over time. However, if I would to die this year, 2008,I want the following to happen at my funeral.
First off, I'm dead. I don't need to be comfortable. So if anyone in my family buys a casket that isn't a cardboard box or giant envelope, smack them in the face and make them return it. While I do not believe in Valhalla, I would either like to have a funeral in which my body is on a mini-barge and lit on fire while being cast into a body of water. No possessions though, I don't need them. If that body of water leads to a waterfall, that would be awesome.
I don't want my body dressed in a tux or a suit. I've always hated wearing those. I'm dead, I don't have any reason to impress anybody. Put me in a one of my pop culture, cartoon t-shirts, khaki cargo shorts, and sneakers. Don't shave my face, I've always had a beard or stubble, so I don't see a reason for that to change. Instead of the warrior tradition of the body holding a sword or axe to his chest, give me a steel chair which is the ideal pro wrestling weapon.
If this is too much for my family to do, then I'll do the Hunter S. Thomspon rip-off. That is having my body cremated and inserted into fireworks shot into the sky at my funeral.
As for the service, I don't want some random reverend to run the service. Give me the Colonel. No churches. Let the service take place at a comedy club. NO HYMNS. I never did care for most of them. Tommy Stewart will be in charge of the music playing whatever he wants. Yes, that also includes metal. If my body is not cremated and is open casket (or envelope), I request someone to write a word balloon propped up next to my carcass that says, "Welcome to my Goodbye Party! Don't cry, I'm fine. Have some fun!"
Carcass shown or not, let everyone who wants to bring photos, bring them. I only request that Eric Lawshe draws a picture of me punching a full grown grizzly bear in the face while I'm smiling and giving a thumbs up. I would like an ice cream truck, chocolate chip cookies, and a waterslide (snowfort, in case of winter) provided for the children who are attending this funeral with their parents. Kids are always bored or creeped out at these things, so they have some fun provided. I will allow the living to nominate who to do the eulogy. Good candidates would be Scott Braithwaite, Dan Kauffman, or Rich Maskiell. I also want Ed Stewart to do a speech. He's good at that.
I'd like Lindsey Thompson, Rachael Heald, Sarah Fuerbacher, and Kathy Sand to sing "Rainbow Connection" ala The Muppet Movie. I also want any of my other friends who are musically inclined and gifted, to sing and play whatever they want. I have never been blessed with the gift of music so I cherish hearing those who I care about display their talents. No U2, though, please. If others want to, share a Bible passage that they like. I also want my goddaugther, Stacy Braithwaite, to say or sing whatever she wants into the microphone for 3 minutes. That is unless she is busy eating cookies, ice cream, or on the waterslide...or in the snowfort beaning some kid with a snowball.
That is when the dodgeball game will commence. The two Team Captains will be Chad Fuerbacher and Paul Kesig. After teams are decided, the game will commence. Once finished, the losing team will one by one mention a short story regarding me or, if they can't think of one/don't want to, their favorite scene in a movie. The winning team will one by one describe me in one word or if they can't think of one/don't want to, state their favorite food. It's ridiculous, but it's a dead man's wish, dammit.
Then light my body or the fireworks.
After that, go to a park or a person's house for pizza, hamburgers, and a chocolate cake that says "Barnes says "Thanks, good journey, and I'll see you on the other side." written in frosting. Those that want to, drink the beer chosen by Matt Hill, Big D, and Matt VanDoren. If you don't want beer, then drink any beverages provided/created by the team of Mel Brisky, Stephanie Burdette, Sarah Pumphrey, and Matt Estes. Then everyone can go home and live their lives to the fullest, as I have intended to do with mine.
That's it. You are all my witnesses, so if I kick the bucket you have to make it happen!

Random Internet Shtuff

2008-03-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

Real blog later (yes, involving Wrestlemania/wrestling), but here are some websites to check out.

http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/ - We have all read the Garfield comic strip in our local paper. It can funny sometimes...okay at others...or you are left wondering what the joke was. However, what if Garfield was absent from his own comic strip? Check the link to see the sad, lonely life of Jon Arbuckle.

www.thefullpint.com - Beer reviews for those that love beer! And I'm not talking about that Natural Light crap.

http://www.spacecat.com/bert/bert.htm - Evidence that Bert of Sesame Street may indeed be evil...I knew I couldn't trust those eyebrows.

www.collegeuniv.com - Ah, remember college? Roommates. Exams. Dating. Monkeys in the student body. Your alien pal. Cafes run by kung fu masters. Optimus Prime in charge of campus security. Yeah, college was good times.

www.askaninja.com - Got a question? Is it about ninjas? Yes? Cool. No? Well, whatever it is a ninja can relate anyway. Ask a ninja. Suprisingly helpful, always hilarious, and seriously deadly. Thanks for checking out my blog, I look forward to killing you soon!

My Moment with Jerry

2008-02-28T07:51:00.002-08:00

In this photo I look like a a hobo, but I'd be damned if I didn't jump at the chance to meet Jerry "The King" Lawler. The King was in the studio today to promote Wrestlemania and the WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony that was coming to Orlando. Raoul, one of the anchors at the TV station, told me that he booked the King with me in mind and that I had to be there. It kinda sucked because I'm sick as a dog and it is my day off, but it was worth it.
Both anchors embarrassed me by telling King that I was a huge wrestling fan (which is true) and was in training (sort of true). We shook hands and he gave me some face time, which was very cool for him to do. I explained that I got hosed over in Cincinnati (he shrugged his shoulders with a "yeah, that sucks, dude, it happens too often" way) and one of the reasons I moved down here was because it was a wrestling hotbed. He gave me a few tips, along with telling me to send a tape of my stuff once I get back into it (I explained to him that I'm incredibly green as hell) to Steve Keirn in Tampa. After signing two photos for me (You're welcome, Rich), Raoul took the picture you see above. I left stating that someday, I'll hopefully get to a point in which you'll commentate during one of my matches. He responded with a smile that suggested a weird combination of a) "Heard that before, kid. We'll see."and b) "Good luck and I hope so."
Thanks for the memory, Mr. Lawler.

I think I might have made my first fan.

2008-02-21T02:10:00.000-08:00

So I was at the store in the line for the register yesterday and this little dialogue occurred:

Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Is that a wrestler?"
(Boy points at Al Snow action figure in my hand)
Me: "Yeah."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Can I see it?"
(I let the kid look at the toy)
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "There are some wrestling magazines here!"
(Kid offers to give me a magazine he got from the stand)
Me: "Thanks, but I don't need any today."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Are you a wrestler?"
Me: "What?"
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Are you a wrestler?"
Me: "Well...not yet...I need to finish training...so someday maybe."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Where do you wrestle?"
Me: "Buddy, I'm sorry but I'm not a wrestler yet. I'm not famous."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Where did you wrestle?"
Me: "Nowhere you would know. I'm not famous, bud."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Where do you want to wrestle?"
Me: "Hopefully WWE."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Which brand? RAW, Smackdown!, or ECW?"
Me: "RAW."
(The Boy ponders)
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Okay. I'll see you."
(Boy runs off)

Huh. Guess I have to whip back into game shape and spend money to have grown men throw me around. After all, I can't disappoint my fan.

WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 4)

2008-02-18T14:04:00.000-08:00

We now go to the big brand, the favored brand, the brand that has just celebrated 15 years of being on cable: RAW. Make no mistake about it, RAW is WWE's A-show. A show that showcases edgier storylines, edgy characters, and all around great wrestling at it's best. Here are my top favorite wrestlers in the WWE's crowned jewel:

BARNES' TOP TEN FAVORITE RAW WRESTLERS

10. Super Crazy- He’s super. He’s crazy. He’s…well, super crazy. The extreme luchadore is a great flyer and an entertaining personality. He won’t make huge waves here in the U.S. like in his native Mexico, but he’ll please a crowd nonetheless. MUCHO LOCO!

9. Ric Flair- The Nature Boy has been going strong since the 1970’s and still holds the crowd in the palm of his hand. The Dirtiest Player in the Game still can go and pull a strong match out of anybody while entertaining the crowd with his over-the-top antics. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

8. Mr. Kennedy- Kennedy is the future of the industry. He still needs some polishing, but the man can cut good promos and might become a modern hybrid of the Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Time will tell, but for now he’s on the cusp of turning into something special if he continues to learn and allows himself to grow. His name is MISSSTERRRRRRRR KENNEDYYYY...KENNNEDDDY!

7. Umaga- The Samoan Bulldozer is untamed like Haku and the Islanders of old. While like his previous Samoan predecessors he is portrayed as a savage, Umaga is able to wrestle compelling matches while playing the role of a dominating heel character. Fear the man.

6. William Regal- Regal is a seasoned veteran who has been in the wrestling business since working the British carnival circuit when he was 16 years old. Utilizing a catch-European style with hard-hitting chops and strikes make his style unique in the United States. That, along with being able utilize a great comedic wit and willingness to play the pompous fool make Regal a must-have in any promotion. Check out his malicious intent.

5. JBL- The hard-hitting Media Maven has finally gotten some respect after years of being just another wrestling workhorse. His gimmick is such that many of my friends refer to him as “George W. Dibiase” due to his redneck-millionaire persona. JBL’s promos are strong and while his wrestling isn’t flashy, it is smash-mouth. See why he calls himself a "Wrestling God."

4. Jeff Hardy- The Rainbow Haired Warrior wows the crowd with his high-flying style and his charismatic look. Jeff looks like he belongs at a rave, but his breathtaking bumps and ability to play the underdog make him one of the most popular stars in the industry. Please don't die, Jeff.

3. HHH- The Game has been on the top of the WWE for over ten years and with his real life marriage into the McMahon family it doesn’t look like that’ll stop any time soon. Many unfairly accuse HHH’s staying power to nepotism, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. His ability to draw fans as a heel or face and tell a great story inside the ring with almost anyone keep him as a top draw. It's time to play the game.

2. Shawn Michaels- The Heartbreak Kid lives up to his name as the Showstopper by stealing the show every night. I don’t believe HBK can have a bad match…ever. While he does have his favorite moves to use, Shawn can wrestle and cater to any opponent’s style whether his opponent is a brawler, high flyer, or power wrestler. A veteran for over twenty years, Shawn can keep up with quick guys like Rey Mysterio or older vets who need help hiding their flaws like Hulk Hogan. Here is the reason he is the Icon.

1. Chris Jericho - Y2J is charismatic and has been rightfully called the second coming of Shawn Michaels. Jericho can be a face or a heel, violent or technical, undercard or main event. Have a new wrestler who needs a person to make him look good? Get Jericho. Got a big show and need a main eventer to make the fans go home happy? Talk to Chris. Want a wrestler who can connect with the fans? Get Y2J. Would you like fries with that? Check the drive thru. He can be funny, he can play a coward, he can look dangerous, and he has the potential of being called the best ever. Now that he has come back to save us he can return to his roots as the man of the millenium.

Next, best Wrestlemania matches ever!

WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 3)

2008-02-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

Alright, so last blog I discuss my favorite wrestlers from the WWE's least favorite brand. Now, I cover the "blue brand." Smackdown! as a television program has been on network television on UPN and the new CW network for the past 10 years. It is currently breaking ties with CW to possibly move MyNetworkTV (Yeah, I never heard of them either). Smackdown over the years is a show focused more on a combination of cartoon-esque characters and the in-ring product. For every 15+ minute wrestling contest, there is a wacky, kooky character for the kids to laugh or jeer at. But enough delay, here is:

BARNES' TOP TEN FAVORITE SMACKDOWN! WRESTLERS

10. Jamie Noble- Jamie is a great light-heavyweight that can have a good match with a spoon. This little-red-neck-that-could has proven himself to be a solid wrestler in the ring and a decent personality outside of it. Respect to the little man.

9. Jimmy Wang Yang- Here's where the wacky character/great wrestler combination comes into play. Jimmy Wang Yang is one of the best high flying wrestlers in North America with arguably the best moonsault in WWE. He is also an Asian redneck. Enjoy.

8. Kane- Kane's character backstory and on-air storylines could fill a book. This former masked man/burn victim/pyromaniac/alleged necrophile/Undertaker's brother is one of most agile big men to hit the ring. While most men reaching the 7' mark lumber around, Kane can move as fast, if not faster than a good chunk of NBA centers while outweighing them by almost 50 lbs. Through hellfire and brimstone, he lurks.

7. Batista- The Animal is one of the most jacked-up, musclebound wrestlers in WWE. Hell, he's strong enough to beat Godzilla. While most bodybuilder physiqued wrestlers are rather boring to watch most of the time, Batista is able to work a good match, move quick, and keep the crowds attention with panache and charisma. Here's a synopsis of the Animal's uncaged career.

6. Rey Mysterio- Rey's career is something that will probably never be replicated. At 5'6", Rey is shorter than most of the fans in the audience. Mysterio, however, is one of the best wrestlers in the world; able to implement his speedy, high flying, technico style in matches against wrestlers at any size. Hell, he looks like he belongs in a Street Fighter video game. If you go to a wrestling show and Rey Mysterio is on the card, you my friend, are in for a show. Fly, Rey, fly!

5. MVP- Montel Vontavius Porter, or MVP, is a solid, relatively new worker with the gimmick of wrestling's version of Terrell Owens. An excellent roughneck, scientific style that's been learned and implemented from his previous feud with Chris Benoit before Benoit's destruction along with his natural charisma guarantee that MVP will someday will be given the world title. Here's why he's half man, half amazing.

4. Matt Hardy- Matt Hardy is one of the most underrated wrestlers in WWE. Matt is known mostly from his high flying days as one half of the Hardys with his brother, Jeff, but Matt has shown that he can mat wrestle and can have a good match with anyone. Matt hardly is given a win most of the time, but every time he shows up the fans cheer loud and hard. If Matt keeps putting on good matches and exciting the crowd, management will have no choice but to actually push him to a title. Matt Hardy refuses to die.

3. Findlay- An burly, tough Irishman who loves to fight. Simple. Finlay can wrestle the best of them, but also is one of the most convincing and rough brawlers in wrestling. Utilizing a smash-mouth, strong European style, Finlay loosens teeth and bruises bodies with a gap-toothed smile. Get shillelagh-ed!

2. Edge- The Rated R Superstar and current World Heavyweight Champion can cut a good interview and have a good match with anyone. Mixing technical wrestling, lucha, and dirty tactics make Edge a great wrestler that you love to hate. The opportunist is a popular heel and looks to be at wrestling's top circle for years to come. Take a look at the evolution of Edge.

1. Undertaker- The Phenom has been wrestling as the Undertaker for over seventeen years. SEVENTEEN. Who would have thought that the gimmick of a zombie wrestler would have worked, much less last close to two decades? 'Taker is revered among fans and wrestlers alike for not only being able to move faster and smoother than any guy over 6'9" and over 40 years of age should, along with being able to hold and keep the crowd in his hands from bell to bell. Shoot (non-fabricated, non-story-oriented) interviews with wrestlers who have worked with Undertaker speak of him with respect, awe, and privilege. Undertaker constantly reinvents himself and style to suit the times. In his early career as this character, 'Taker was methodical and wrestled like an unstoppable zombie. Nowadays, Undertaker has added mixed-martial-arts chokes and holds along with more tattoos. I hope that if I am able to become a full-fledged wrestler that I would have the privilege of meeting Mr. Calaway or Undertaker or Mr. Taker or whatever he damn well wants me to call him, I want to shake his hand and say thanks for making me a fan. View his handiwork.

RAW comes later.

WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 2)

2008-02-12T19:17:00.000-08:00

I'm going to Wrestlemania!!! I say again, I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!! Last blog, I covered my favorite performers that were not involved in WWE, but this time I will cover some the guys who have a chance at performing at Wrestlemania XXIV. I was going to do a regular top ten favorites, but there is a problem...WWE has three brands! Since I am indecisive and I wish to make a long blog, I will give you all my top ten favorite wrestlers in each brand. Now, the good people of World Wrestling Entertainment will state that all of it's brands are equal...bullcrap! They have their favorites, so I'll start this blog off with the red-headed (like me) stepchild (not like me) brand: ECW.
ECW stands for Extreme Championship Wrestling and is not a Vince McMahon (owner and creator of WWE) creation. Cliff Notes version of its history: ECW was originally a small indy fed based in Philadelphia which exploded. They had such a strong following that it expanded to do shows throughout the U.S. and even landed a pay-per-view deal. Many of their wrestlers and basic storyline ideas were taken by WWE and at the time, WCW. However due to poor financial planning, the company folded in 2001. Then something happened. The fans kept chanting the brands name. They bought DVD's of old ECW matches. The fans would not let it die.
So Vince McMahon brought it back...to mixed results. It is not like the ECW of old, but it gives wrestlers another place to practice and showcase their trade, so ultimately I'm all for it. While it isn't the steak that it used to be and is now a Whopper from Burger King, I do have my favorites. Here are my Top Ten Favorite ECW Wrestlers from the current roster:

10. Chavo Guerrero- The current ECW champion is one of the most celebrated cruiserweights today. A strong technical wrestler with some lucha-libre mixed in, Chavo makes his family proud being a third generation star in this industry. Underrated, but undeterred.

9. Colin Delany- Who? Exactly. Colin is pale, scrawny and has yet to perform an effective offensive move. America loves an underdog, so Colin I salute you.

8. Boogeyman- What's that under your bed, crushing a clock against his head? He eats worms and it's true, he's the Boogeyman and he's COMING TO GET YOU!

7. Kofi Kingston- If Rob Van Dam and Eddy Gordo from the TEKKEN video game series had a kid. Kofi is cool and looks like he's got a bright future in the industry. Check it out, mon.

6. Stevie Richards- A wrestler that was from the original ECW, Stevie has had it rough. He's got solid skills, but never gets much of a break but loves the business so much that he's had multiple neck surgeries to stay in the game. It's his wry sense of humor, ability to parody (gotta love the Blue World Order), and all around good stuff that make him a favorite of mine. Hail, Stevie!

5. Elijah Burke- The Silver Tongued Pugilist has great speed, agility, and wrestling ability. Good on the mic and solid in the ring, why is this man not a champion yet is beyond me. His boxing past gives the Paragon of Virtue the ability to give you 4-UP side your head. Don't get hit by the Elijah Express!

4. Balls Mahoney- The Chair Swinging Freak is one of the misfits from the original ECW. Dressed like a fat, homeless metal fan and missing a few teeth, Balls doesn't look like a typical athlete. However, if pressed this man can chain wrestle with the best of them...if that doesn't work, then a chair to the head works just as well. BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!

3. Shelton Benjamin- An All American amateur wrestler, great worker, and probably the most underrated wrestler in the U.S. Shelton has the work ethic and ability to become one of the greats in the industry someday. I hope he'll unlock his full potential. For now, there ain't no stopping him now.

2. Tommy Dreamer- A man that literally broke his back to be in this industry, with a great creative mind and underrated wrestling creditentials. Tommy Dreamer is a man who has a great mind and a great love for wrestling. While his matches are dubbed "garbage wrestling" by some and "hardcore classics" by others, the fact of the matter is that Dreamer can tell a story in the ring. He doesn't care if he is booked to win or to lose. He just wants to put on a great show. Here's to you, Dreamer.

1. CM Punk- The Straight Edge Superstar lives by the morals of no drugs, no alcohol, no smokes, no problem. One of the few purely clean wrestlers in an otherwise muddy industry, Punk can deliver in the ring, on the mic, and gives the fans their money's worth. His only addiction is competition. His name is CM Punk.

So there's my picks for the bastard brand of McMahonland. I'll be back for Smackdown! shortly.

WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 1)

2008-02-03T14:28:00.000-08:00

I did it. After 15 years of wrestling fandom, I have found my white whale. I. Am. Going. To. WRESTLEMANIA! That's right, kiddos, I have a nosebleed seat at the Florida Citrus Bowl for the 24th installment of Wrestlemania! Section 221, Row B, Seat 15! Interested in wrestling or not, check out my blog periodically for occasional wrestling ramblings up until the big event of the year, the Superbowl of wrestling, Wrestlemania! I guarantee that even if you hate the stuff, you'll dig my blogs on it.
In this first blog, I wish to talk about something before Wrestlemania. As some of you know, I also got a ticket to a Ring of Honor show. To those who don't know what Ring of Honor is, click here! To make it short, summer blockbuster movies are to art films as WWE is to ROH. I'm excited about this show because it'll feature some of the best wrestlers in the U.S. who aren't WWE wrestlers. Now, it is time for a list. Even though most of these guys probably won't be at the ROH, I still wish to present:

Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Wrestlers Who Aren't in WWE!

10. Mistico- This man is known as the second coming of Rey Mysterio Jr. and Rey-rey isn't even dead yet! This tiny man flies and excites all who come to see him, along with having some solid wrestling to boot. His "La Mistica" armbar is a thing of twisty-fury! CHECK THIS OUT!

9. KENTA - American ECW wrestler CM Punk took a chunk of his moves, but this Japanese junior heavyweight has legitimately knocked out some guys with his past Muay Thai background. Beware his kneecaps or you will GO TO SLEEP.

8. Milano Collection AT- So let me get this straight. You are a Japanese wrestler. However, you are actually an Italian supermodel with one of those invisible dogs and can tie wrestlers into knots? SOLD!

7. Human Tornado- Take one part Shaft, two parts Supafly, and a part of Michael Jackson circa 1983 and you have one of the most entertaining stars in the independent wrestling circuit. With his Balls of Steel (which make shots to the groin ineffective) and his breakdance fighting, Human Tornado is ice cold!

6. Kenta Kobashi- The man known as "Orange Crush" (not to be confused with this ) has been one of most respected grapplers in the Land of the Rising Sun, especially after coming back after numerous knee surgeries and having a kidney removed. His chops make the great Ric Flair cringe and he can probably suplex the moon. But beware of his burning fury, the Burning Hammer.

5. Bryan Danielson - The man who graduated with a Bachelors in Shawn Michaels and got a Masters with William Regal is considered by most to be the best unsigned wrestler in North America. With his quick movements, vast knowledge of holds, and ability to have a great match with anybody, it's hard to disagree. Here's a look at his story.

4. Samoa Joe- While most people look at wrestlers, they think of bodybuilders or crazy looking gimmicks. Joe looks like the guy at the end of the bar who'd just kick your ass for fun after beer number four. There is a reason why fans chant, "JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU!"

3. Shark Boy - From 20,000 leagues under the sea, the master of the Dead Sea Drop and winner of a lawsuit against Robert Rodriguez for using his name in The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl without his permission. I give you, Mick Foley's favorite independent wrestler, SHARK BOY!

2. Christopher Daniels- The man known as "The Fallen Angel" has been making a great living on the independent wrestling scene for over 10 years. His cult leader is the only religious-themed gimmick that hasn't been inducted into Wrestlecrap history. A man who can wrestle with anybody and can open a show or draw money for a main event at any time is rare. I give you, that man. Now, this guy was going to be number one, but I thought I'd give it to his alter-ego...

1. Curry Man- HE'S HOT! HE'S SPICY! HE TASTES GREAT! HE'S CURRY MAN!!!

You gotta love a man that has a plate of curry with a side of rice on his head. Peace.

My Birthday

2008-01-13T17:50:00.000-08:00

So, my real birthday sucked because I had to go to a substitute teacher orientation which was eight hours of "Okay, everyone, what you need to do is follow the lesson plan and don't molest the kids...seriously, don't molest the kids...okay, if you started molesting the kids, just stop...follow the school's dress code...what did I tell you about molesting kids!" I was in a room with 40 people with only 15 of them that I would allow to teach my children if I had any. There were also three videos we watched that featured the most robotic acting of all time. Optimus Prime had more to emote than the head of the staffing agency. I also had to rush over to a lab to take a drug test after the orientation, which meant I had to hold it for over an hour so I could produce a specimen. The best part of the day was also awkward in that the person that will be referred to in this blog as Ex-Cheryl, took me to an authentic Irish pub and bought me food and beer.
Ex-Cheryl went out of her way to tell me that I was great guy, attractive, and that I'll find someone special someday. In other words, she said the same fucking phrase that I have heard since I was in seventh grade. So I told her that I heard that same bullcrap since seventh grade and quite frankly it'd be refreshing and new if a woman would reject me by calling me an asshole and throwing a drink at my face. It wouldn't be pleasant, but that would at least be different. She responded by buying me more beer. Damn straight.

Needless to say, it wasn't a great birthday...so I decided to fix that the next day. I celebrated my 25 years and one day by doing the following:
- Listening to "Birthday Dethday" by Dethklok
- Going to a greasy spoon diner and having a stack of waffles, scrambled eggs, beef sausage, and coffee given to me by weary waitress that called me "sugah."
- Going to ACME Toys (yes, it exists) and getting a Joe Swanson from Family Guy action figure, along with Yukon Cornelius from Rudolph (the best Christmas character not named Jesus), and a special edition Simpsons action figure of Stephen Hawking (complete with spring-loaded boxing glove and helicopter propellers).
- Getting the Street Fighter Alpha Anthology for PS2 for some 2-D fighting goodness.
- Watching "The Bucket List" (Quick review: Forget about the predictable plot, if I were to ask you, "Would you like to see Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson hang out for 2 hours?" You would have to say, "Yes...yes, I would.")
- Cook a huge pizza and watching Mystery Science Theater and wrestling for the rest of the night.
While I would have preferred to have hung out with my buddies (most which of probably reading this blog), I think I had a pretty good day after birthday by myself. Hope all is well and take it easy everyone.

There is no Cheryl

2008-01-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

Cheryl decided to pursue other ventures/people. It sucks, but life moves on. Week of my birthday, too. *Sigh*. Oh well. For those of you that don't get this message, I'll allow the people that get the inside joke fill you in.

IT'S FICTION PART 2: It's 2008. We can listen to 300 hours of music on a device smaller than a Kit-Kat Bar, but not irradicate dumbasses?

2008-01-02T19:29:00.000-08:00

Alright. This is stupid. You've heard of the "Golden Compass" right? No? Well, it's a popular children's fantasy book series that was recently released as a movie that kinda sucks. The major controversy being that the book and presumably the movie had several anti-relgious overtones, most specifically against Catholicism. The good-guy characters apparently are fighting against their version of God. Not "God" god. Not "Yahweh." Not "Buddha." Not even "Thor." A fictional god. So Christian zealots that were still buzzing over "The Da Vinci Code" found a new target. They were worried that the children might be influenced into being non-God fearing people. That the children would be theologically spoiled due to a film featuring a little girl riding an armored polar bear like a horse. The media yawned and ridiculed them. Rightfully so, I might add. Man, I feel dirty. I just sided with the media. *shudder*
Well, the movie bombed. However, I tell you this story to tell this other story. One of the previews attached to "The Golden Compass" was a trailer to "Prince Caspian" the latest film to be churned out of the "Chronicles of Narnia." This is ironic, in that a "Christian fantasy" film is being advertised on a supposed "Atheist fantasy."
Well, the atheists, who usually are too apathetic or too snooty to go out their way to protest anything aside from "In God We Trust" being printed on money, are seen picketing outside theaters. They were concerned about the Christian subtext influencing their children. How dare our government allow a film to influence our children to believe in a higher being!
"I just can't believe this," said Leah Jones, mother of three and proud atheist. "I can't believe that they would allow children to be exposed to this kind of thing without warning!"
Wow. Just take out the word "atheist" and put "Christian" instead. It sounds like the typical protest tale Christians usually take crap for doing. Well, atheists, I've ranted and raved at Christians for the "Da Vinci Code" in a previous blog (check my blog archives under the title "IT'S FICTION!"). Now, it's time for your spanking.
First off, hypocrites, if you mock Christians for boycotting "illuminating" or "challenging" materials then you shouldn't do the same. Secondly, where the hell were you less than three years ago when "Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe" came out into theaters? A little late to cry foul, huh? Especially since that movie was an allegory for Easter which is the very base of the faith that you are intending to fight (much like how Christians fought strongly against the "Da Vinci Code" rather than the more controversial "Angels and Demons"). Plus, if you were really against the movie and gave a real damn you would have protested the movie while it was in production. Fuck, it was announced a mere few weeks after "Wardrobe" was released.
Thirdly, and the most important, IT'S FICTION! You know? Like Harry Potter, Scooby-Doo, and Scientology. You don't believe in this anyway, so how is it different than any other fantasy? Are you going to ban your kids from anything with any form of deity in it?
"Sorry, Timmy, you can't study Greek history."
"Why, Pop?"
"Because I didn't raise you to learn about Zeus."
If you look into most pieces of literature, fantasy especially, you'll be hard pressed not to find Gods, ghosts, spirits, summons (a prayer allegory), and angels. I guarantee one out three books has a Christ-like figure in them. The other thing is that you can just say "It's only a story, it's pretend." I doubt that the 8 year olds that this film is intended for will to watch this film will go home and say, "Wow, that Aslan is obviously representing God/Christ and his actions/dialogue in the film reflect much that is written in this Bible that I keep hearing about...etc." They will probably say, "I liked the talking lion and the swords and the magic and the animals and the fighting and the...etc." Do you know why? Because that's what I thought when I was that age.
What's the matter? Afraid of something that would be "challenging" to the beliefs (or in this case, unbeliefs) you want instilled in your kids? If it bothers you that much, don't take them to see the movie or read the books. Or just say, "It's fiction, lions can't talk." Besides, nowadays it's easier to put Jesus or Aslan alongside Mickey Mouse, Lion-O, and Popeye than convince kids that he's God's boy...or lion.
My point is that much like Christians can't keep their kids in the Christ-bubble forever, atheists can't keep their kids away from religous influence. Hell, are you going to prevent your kids from voting when they are old enough? The top contenders for 2008 include two Methodists, a Baptist preacher, a Catholic, and a Mormon. My hope is that Christians and atheists would let their kids look at each others worlds for a while, play together, and then let them learn from experiences on both ends of the spectrum. That way they will grow up into knowledgable people and get a job as opposed to picketing over nonsense like children's movies.

Reflection

2007-12-28T15:22:00.000-08:00

2007 has been a long, weird year. A lot can happen in just one short year. Here's a few things off the top of my head:
- I turned 24 years old.
- One of my heroes killed his family and then himself (still bothered by that one).
- I debuted as a stand-up comic.
- I bonded and got closer with a lot of cool people in Cincinnati, many of which will be friendships I'll keep throughout my life.
- The members of what became known as US for WE celebrated one full year of wrestling watching.
- I quit my job helping the mentally ill and gave the building the middle finger.
- I moved to Florida.
- I got paid to do what I earned my degree in (a paltry sum, but it's money).
- I went to two weddings featuring four friends.
- I discovered the wonders of "24" (Thanks, Ed.) and "Heroes" (Thanks, Eric Lawshe)
- Watched I Pity the Fool (Best Reality TV Show EVER!)
- My goddaughter turned two years old.
- I had a heartfelt goodbye with three of my clients, one of which I don't think will live to see 2008.
- I threw away, gave away, or sold half of my possessions.
- I went to Hooters for the first time (the food sucks).
- I got to spend time and get to know my aunt, uncle, and grandparents.
- I spent my first Christmas away from my family.
- I found a cool girl that will hopefully evolve into a special someone.
- My sister graduated from college (good luck, Rach).
- I got drunk for the very first time and haven't gotten drunk since.
- I did audio comedy with a good friend. Sodie Pop Junkshun Go! (Or however we spelled it, Tommy).
- My college roommate celebrated the birth of his first child.
- I said goodbye to the only good part of Cincinnati: my friends.
- I became a huge supporter of UFC's Forrest Griffin.
- Matt Hill introduced me to Mt. Carmel Stout (Best Beer Ever).
- I had the privilege to celebrate the second annual Valhalladay.
- I ate turkey on Thanksgiving for the first time in three years.
- I emailed my college friends nearly monthly.
- I suffered the deepest depression spell in my life...thus far.
- I took a huge step in achieving my kooky dreams.
There's more than that I'm sure, but it's the most I could come with. 2008 will be a new year with new beginnings. I just hope I can make progress and achieve the goals set out for me in a shorter timespan. Happy New Year to All!

Finding a Church (Church names have been omitted to protect me from getting sued/damned to Hell)

2007-09-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

So moving to Florida and all that rot means that I need to find a new church in order to get connected with some cool people like I did in Cincy and find a place to pray and worship with others. This should be fun...ugh.
What can I say? I'm picky when it comes to churches. If I can't be myself or put myself in a place where I can worship freely and learn, then I have no interest. So far my church hunt hasn't been going too well.
First, I went to a church that my grandparents thought I might be interested in. Since I was a visitor, I was given a name tag. Sigh. I hate name tags. Quite honestly, I feel uncomfortable when it is directly pointed out that I'm the new guy. All these strangers look at my chest and say, "Good morning, Erik!" when all I can respond with is "...hi." because they don't have nametags.
Then a parishoner gave me a tour of a church when I told her politely "No, thank you, I'm just here for the service." There was a bookstore, but it wasn't like the bookstore at UCC back in Cincinnati. I didn't expect it to be the same as in Ohio, but I expected a bit more than a showcase for Rick Warren and a Jesus-based, Dr. Seuss-esque children's book.
The service was a typical contemporary service with the typical contemporary songs that contain the words "Jesus," "God," "Holy," and "Love" repeatedly, but in different order. That's when the Christian clowns showed up. No, that is not a typo. I'm just going to be vague and leave it at that. The pastor's message that Sunday was...actually, I don't remember it. I was distracted by the clowns. Needless to say, I'm not coming back.
The next week, I went to a church that was literally across the street from the University of Central Florida's basketball arena, so I figured that they might have a Bible study or ministry focused on people in their 20's. I walked in and on my left was the entrance to the sanctuary. On my right, there was a series of classrooms with ages listed on the top. "Ages 0-18 months," "Ages 1-3," "Ages 4-6," "Ages 7-12," "Ages 13-17," "Adult Study," and "Seniors Study." Two questions: 1. Why two separate rooms for babies? and 2. If you are in the middle of a college campus, wouldn't it make sense to have a study for students?
Shaking off those queries, I walked into the sanctuary. I got a bulletin. Teen ministries, children ministries, senior ministries, men's ministries, women's ministries, couples' ministries, married ministries, and parents' ministries were listed. The only thing that was missing was clown ministries...and ministries for single people in their 20's. I can't be the only one in Florida, right? Anyway, I went in and sat down.
The sanctuary looked like the set of MTV Unplugged, only with electrical instruments and even worse music. The message wasn't better either. It wasn't really a sermon but more of a rant with the pastor basically stating, "Seriously, guys, the Bible is real! The Da Vinci Code is lying!" Yeah, he brought up the Da Vinci Code...also Harry Potter for reasons I am still trying to figure out. Look, I'm not picking on the preacher because I'm not a fundamentalist, but the sermon wasn't a sermon. There was no message to take home to chew on and ponder...hell, there wasn't even any scripture to reflect upon! It was just one half of a tired debate. Well, I'm 2 for 2.
This morning after work, I tried out this church downtown. I at least saw people my age, so I might come back. I wasn't totally turned off by the music, but it wasn't my bag to begin with anyway. I have to start a church that sings hard rock or metal and allows screaming. I wasn't sure what to make of the message. The pastor was either talking about us all going to hell because we as a culture focused more on Anna Nicole Smith's paternity debacle than on the Iraq War or that we were saved through grace because we walked the road less traveled like the Robert Frost poem, I'm not sure which. He did insert a Calvin and Hobbes quote in as well so I'm going to give him a second chance. I might come back, but with some reservations.
I'm still going to look around for other possibilities, but it's difficult and frustrating to find a church home. I've always said that the only good part of me being in Cincinnati was finding UCC and making great friends from there. I don't want God to put lightning in a bottle again because nothing can replace or replicate the special bonds I made from UCC, but if He could put a tornado or some other natural phenomenon in a bottle or glass jar, I would be blessed once again.

Random Lists About Me That You'll Read About When You Are Online and Bored

2007-09-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

Songs I'd Make Love To (Ladies don't get that scared)

- Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton

- Give My Love to Rose- Johnny Cash

- Dragula- Rob Zombie

- With a Wonder and Wild Desire- Flogging Molly

- Battlestar Scratchactica- Incubus

- To Peace- Submersed

- Ace of Spades- Motorhead

- She is Beautiful- Andrew W.K.

- Angel- Jimi Hendrix

- Let's Get It On- Marvin Gaye

- Rain- Breaking Benjamin

- Lightness- Death Cab for Cutie

- Out Loud- Dispatch

- Little Wing- Jimi Hendrix

- I Can't Quit You, Baby- Led Zepplin

- Somewhere Out There- Our Lady Peace

- Are You Ready?- Rollins Band

- Can't Get Enough of Your Love- Barry White

- Illumination- Rollins Band

Websites I Check Out Regularly That Have Nothing to Do with News, Email, Facebook, MySpace, etc.

- http://www.superdickery.com/ - A website that features real life comics featuring stupid superpowers in comics, accidental (?) suggestive poses by superheroes in comics, monkey related material, and situations in which Superman is just being a dick.

- http://www.newgrounds.com/ - Random cartoons and videos made by people like you and me.

- http://www.cinemassacre.com/ - A personal site of James Rolfe, aspiring filmmaker, and widely known as his alternative persona The Angry Video Game Nerd, a nerd that retro-views crappy videogames from your childhood.

- www.wrestlecrap.com - A pro wrestling site featuring the worst in pro wrestling. Funny looks at crappy wrestling characters (The Gobbledy Gooker, a wrestler in a turkey costume), wrestling storylines (Robocop helping wrestler Sting beat up the bad guys, and merchandise (Talking The Rock Soap on a Rope). And no, they aren't making this up.

- www.retrojunk.com - What was the name of that one Silverhawk that played the guitar? Go to this site for that answer along with videos of TV shows and ads from the 80's.

- www.jumptheshark.com - What the was pinnacle of your favorite TV series before it fell down to mediocrity or cancellation? Find out and debate on this site.

- www.engrish.com - View actual items from Japan that totally butcher the English language with hilarious results.

- www.emotioneric.com - Watch Eric convey various emotions from Happy to Sassy to Smarmy to Staring at your hands the way people do in movies when they've just killed their first person.

Favorite Anime

-Naruto- The story of a plucky ninja with a fox demon caged within him. Awesome ninja fights, slow burning plot, and multiple three dimensional side characters.

-Cowboy Bebop- A space western featuring jazzy music and bounty hunters.

-Samurai Champloo- A hip-hop samurai quest with a bum, an uptight ronin, and a girl searching for a samurai that smells of sunflowers.

- Trigun- Western with gunfights, steampowered robotics, and a gunman that leaves unintentional carnage in his wake.

- Full Metal Alchemist- A story featuring a small hero who uses alchemy along with his robotic arm and leg with his brother whose soul is housed within a suit of armor. A story about the ugly nature of playing God and the ugly cost of desire.

Sports I Want to See on Primetime American Television

- Murderball- Wheelchair bound athletes ramming into each other in a soccer atmosphere.

- Chessboxing- 6 rounds of chess with 5 rounds of boxing in between. A knockout or checkmate wins it all.

- Wife Carrying- it explains itself.

- Dodgeball- I know it had a show on the Game Show Network, but I want to see it on network.

Hopefully, a real blog next time.

Simpsons Fanboy Blogpost Go!

2007-07-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

It's a show that I literally grew up with and still grow up with to this day. I have been and still am a huge fan of the Simpsons. I consider the show to be one of my strongest comedic influences alongside any stand-up comic that I can name. It's one of the longest running shows on network TV and was just renewed for a 19th season. However, this upcoming Friday another notch on the ever expanding belt of the Simpsons will be made when the Simpsons movie, cleverly titled The Simpsons Movie, premieres in theaters.

In honor of the movie, I've been giving myself an ongoing Simpsons Marathon featuring my DVDs of the series whenever I'm at home. In fact, disc three of season 8 is playing on my DVD player as I am writing this blog. I also wish to share with you my personal top ten favorite Simpsons episodes along with my top ten favorite Simpsons characters.

Top Ten Favorite Episodes

10. "Dead Putting Society"- Season 2, Episode 6- This episode features Bart playing in a mini-golf tournament against Todd Flanders with Homer making a bet with Ned Flanders. This episode had plenty of humor, especially Homer's hatred of Ned's good-natured good fortune. I also enjoyed the Karate Kid-esque training.

9. "Homer the Heretic"- Season 4, Episode 3- Homer stays home instead of going to church and proceeds to make his own religion around it. I really like this episode because while its entertaining and funny, it also explains the importance of the role of faith in society and life.

8. "The Principal and the Pauper"- Season 9, Episode 2- It is revealed that Principal Skinner isn't really Principal Skinner at all, but apparently a reformed street punk named Armin Tamzarian. This episode is over the top and greatly displays humanity's fears of change or alteration of the familiar. Never underestimate the power of mass denial.

7- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)"- Season 11, Episode 5- While this episode isn't thought-provoking, it's fun. Homer is able to create a hybrid of tomatoes and tobacco known as tomacco. The highly addictive veggie leads to hilarious results.

6- "Maximum Homerdrive"- Season 10, Episode 17- After losing a steak-eating contest to a trucker that dies immediately after winning, Homer vows to take the trucker's rig and make his delivery along with Bart. Meanwhile, Marge and Lisa are tormented by a novelty doorbell that plays the Carpenters' "(They Long to Be) Close to You." This show was funny especially when Homer confuses the trucker with steak eating actor Tony Randall.

5- "The Last Temptation of Homer"- Season 5, Episode 9- After some struggle in his marriage, Homer meets a female coworker that relates to Homer in almost every way. Homer constantly struggles with his fidelity when the two are chosen to represent the nuclear plant at a convention. I like this episode because it shows what most affairs are: a bad action done between two usually good people. It also shows Homer loves Marge purely and truly, despite of and because of the differences between them.

4- "Raging Abe Simpson and his Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'"- Season 7, Episode 22- In this episode, Grandpa Simpson and Bart go on a quest to search for buried artwork that Grandpa and his WWII unit, The Flying Hellfish, stole from the Nazis. Meanwhile, Mr. Burns, also a Hellfish, tries to thwart them and take the paintings for himself. This episode is funny and shows a side of Grandpa that had previously never been shown before.

3- "22 Short Films About Springfield"- Season 7, Episode 21- This episode is good because it features nearly every single character from the Simpsons in one way or another inserting them in a bunch of different comedic shorts.

2- "Marge vs. the Monorail"-Season 4, Episode 12- This is frequently featured on my many top ten lists and rightfully so. It was written by a guy that's going to replace Jay Leno in 2009 by the name of Conan O'Brien. O'Brien's dada-esque, idiot-humor show through in this episode, in which Springfield is conned into building a monorail with disasterous results. There is also a great deadpan performance by Star Trek's Leonard Nimoy.

1- "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"- Season 8, Episode 18- My favorite episode is the one most people refer to as the "Beer Baron Episode." Springfield enforces a long disregarded prohibition law after Bart accidentally gets drunk during a St. Patrick's Day parade. Homer becomes a bootlegger to much joy of Springfield's inebriated, but is constantly on the run from newly appointed chief of police, Rex Banner. This episode is funny and makes several references to the show and film "The Untouchables" with Dave Thomas's brilliant performance of the Elliot Ness wannabe.

Top Ten Favorite Simpsons Characters

10- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon- This character turned from a stereotype into the most rounded character that isn't a Simpson family member. The character has been under fire in the past because of the jokes about his ethnicity and religion, however in later episodes Apu's culture and Hindu faith have been frequently featured in an educational and favorable light. To my knowledge, there is no other recurring Middle Eastern character in an American series that isn't a terrorist.

9- Hans Moleman- Moleman amuses me due to his elderly nature and always being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't know how many times his life was endangered and no one caring to help him.

8- Troy McClure- You might have recognized him from such events as "Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory," "Andre the Giant: We Hardly Knew Ye," and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." Troy McClure seems to steal every scene he is featured in thanks to the great comedic performance of the late Phil Hartman.

7- Barney Gumble- Simpsons took what was originally the typical town drunk and made him more three dimensional with having a backstory behind his drinking and even having him become sober with various relapses.

6- Disco Stu- Yeah, he's one dimensional, but he has made me laugh every time I've seen him.

5- Groundskeeper Willie- The surly Scotsman makes me laugh with his angry voice and various nonsensical insults.

4- Seymour Skinner- I love the fact that the writers gave this character a vast history that explains a good chunk of his behaviors and his personality. Let's look at his traits: He's bitter and tortured about his tour during the Vietnam War, he's a mama's boy, he is straight-laced, he's awkward around women (just ask Mrs. Krabappel), and he's Bart's best nemesis. In any other show, they would have just made five separate characters based on those traits instead of fleshing out one great one.

3- Comic Book Guy- I'm a comic nerd and for the life of me this character is the true to life. Every comic store, EVERY COMIC STORE, has someone that looks and sounds just like Comic Book Guy right down to the elitist sarcasm. The best part about it is that the comic book guys of the real world are totally oblivious to the fact that they are just like Comic Book Guy.

2.- Ralph Wiggum- There is never a scene in which Ralph doesn't make me laugh. There doesn't need to be any other reason.

1- Charles Montgomery Burns- The evil billionaire is hilarious in his megolomaniac schemes and his old-timey, out-of-touch references. You hate him and yet there are many moments that you root for him. It's good to be Monty Burns.

That's all I got for tonight. I'll keep watching the show and I'll see you at the theater.

More Dream Stuff

2007-07-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

Continuation from previous blog.

The Erik Barnes Memorial Library

The Bible
Book of the Five Rings
The Art of War
The Hagakure
All books/graphic novels written by the following authors:
Dr. Seuss
Chuck Pahluniak
Brian Michael Bendis
Brian K. Vaughn
Alan Moore
Neil Gaiman
J.R.R. Tolkien
C.S. Lewis
Edgar Allan Poe
Thomas Merton
Diedrich Bonhoffer
Warren Ellis
Garth Ennis
Brad Meltzer
Donald Miller
Marcus Borg
Robert Kirkman
Frank Miller
Mark Millar
Grant Morrison
Frank McCourt
Anne Rice
Shel Silvestein
Mick Foley
Ed Brubaker
Jon Stewart

Time Traveling Adventures of Wilkinson Malloy! (Barnes' Dream Sitcom)

directed by Erik Barnes
written by the writing team of Conan O'Brien, Larry David, Tina Fey, Erik Barnes, Lewis Black, Dave Chappelle, and Patton Oswalt
starring
Bruce Campbell as Wilkinson Malloy (the garbageman who stumbles upon a time machine)
Jenna Fischer as Mary Till (Malloy's niece and confidant)
Jason Lee as Frankie Roberts (Mary's boyfriend and annoys Malloy)
Dave Chappelle as Roger McDougal (Malloy's best friend and coworker, struggling comedian)
Creed Bratton as Dr. Hugh Von Brinderbranden (the inventor of the time machine)
and Wilford Brimley as Teddy Roosevelt (26th President of the United States and consistently assists Malloy in his adventures in time travel)

The Justice Alliance
(Barnes' Dream Superhero Team. To set a limit no more than 12 members)

Batman
Psylocke
Martian Manhunter
Green Arrow
Jack Hawksmoor
Black Adam
Beast
Hellboy
Kitty Pryde
Witchblade
Green Lantern
Daredevil

My Dream (Insert Here)

2007-07-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

Nothing new. Just putzing, working, selling stuff, and getting prepared for the move. But I thought I'd sit back and think what my dream events would be:

Barnesamania (Dream Wrestling Pay-Per-View featuring wrestlers in their prime)

Samoa Joe vs. Chris Jericho (2 out of 3 falls)
Kurt Angle vs. Kenta Kobashi (60 minute Iron Man Match)
AJ Styles vs. Eddie Guerrero
Christopher Daniels vs. Bret Hart
Brian Danielson vs. Owen Hart
Team 3D vs. The Road Warriors
Booker T vs. Colt Cabana
The Undertaker vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
Ultimo Dragon vs. Petey Williams vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Shark Boy
CM Punk vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
The Hardys vs. Brian Kendrick and Paul London
William Regal vs. Senshi (Submission only)

Barnesapalooza (Dream Music Festival)

Lordi
Social Distortion
Clutch
Rage Against the Machine
System of a Down
Incubus
Rollins Band
Led Zepplin
Matisyahu
Pink Floyd

Barnesayuk-yuks (Dream Stand-up Comedy Show)

Me (Hey, it's my dream show, I should be able to open the festivities)
Mitch Hedberg
Dave Chappelle
Patton Oswalt
Christopher Titus
Eugene Mirman
The Kids in the Hall
Brian Posehn
Bill Cosby
Jerry Seinfeld
Lewis Black

The Barnes Network (My own television network with shows that are currently on air/in syndication)

The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy
The Shield
Rescue Me
Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends
WWE RAW
WWE Friday Night Smackdown!
ECW
Dead Like Me
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
The Office
The Simpsons
Family Guy
Seinfeld
24
Futurama
The Daily Show
The Colbert Report
TNA Impact!
South Park
Robot Chicken
The Venture Brothers
The Boondocks
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Metalocalypse
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mythbusters
Man vs. Wild
Naruto

Barnes Best Movie Ever (The Title)

directed by the Coen Brothers
written by Erik Barnes
starring
Tom Hanks
Jack Nicholson
Julia Stiles
Chuck Norris
Christopher Walken
Wilford Brimly
Keira Knightly
Morgan Freeman
Nathan Fillion
Jason Statham
Alan Rickman
Natalie Portman
Ed Asner
Jackie Chan
Sean Connery
Will Ferrell
Christian Bale
Patrick Stewart
Reese Witherspoon
Michael Caine
Amy Smart
Dennis Haysbert
Ving Rhames
Walter Matthau
and Samuel L. Jackson as Wilson "Shoot the Bastard!" Tibbons

Feast of the Barnes (My Dream Meal)

Appetizer: A mix of sweet BBQ, terryaki, and peanut sauce covered chicken wings with a small plate of chili cheese fries with a glass of IBC Cream Soda

Main Entree: Lightly seasoned and marinated 16 oz steak with a fat lobster tail
Sides: A small bowl of pasta with scallops and shrimp with marinara and parmesan cheese.
A small plate of steamed vegetables (broccoli, carrots, green beans, etc.)
A personal pan pizza with grilled chicken, bacon, green pepper, and red pepper toppings.
Beverage: 2 liters of Mount Caramel Ale

Dessert: A wedge of triple chocolate cake with a scoop of cookies and cream ice cream with a chocolate chip cookie inserted into the ice cream.

After Dinner: A glass of blackberry wine, three fingers of Makers Mark, a stein of Ragnar's Reserve mead, and a Romeo Y Julieta cigar.

Just thought I'd share. A real entry sometime soon or after the move.

Death of a...Hero?

2007-06-26T15:07:00.000-07:00

I remember seeing him in 1995 on WCW Saturday Night. This is back when WCW could deliver a good wrestling show. I don't remember who his opponent was, some jobber, but I can't forget the first thing I saw: his tights. Chris Benoit was wearing long tights with a huge, blocky star on the back of them. They looked very generic and very bland. The wrestler that wore them didn't look like anything special. Hell, he looked small and pale. Then he wrestled. That's when I became a fan of Chris Benoit.
Not to sound braggy, but I was fan of Chris Benoit before most internet fans of wrestling caught on the wave. He could fly. He could stretch. He could bump. He could sell. The only thing he couldn't do was talk well on the mic, however his wrestling and his matches would speak more about him than any of his words could.
I first started watching wrestling when I was ten years old and have been totally hooked ever since. Sure, there are plenty of things that I don't like about it, but I still love it just the same. Ever since I was ten, I thought of becoming a pro wrestler. It never went away totally, but I still thought in the back of my head that it was a child's ambition. On January 19, 2003, the Royal Rumble of that year, I saw Chris Benoit wrestle Kurt Angle for the WWE title. It was a great match, full of great holds and, for lack of a better term, drama. It was that night, after watching Benoit wrestle, lose, and given a well-deserved standing ovation, that I made the firm decision to train seriously and become a pro wrestler.
I have had some setbacks since my past wrestling school didn't fufill the training that I need along with having a hectic schedule to work out. However, the fire still burns and I will go out and train again once I relocate. After all, I hoped to one day wrestle and then meet Chris Benoit. I needed to tell him that he was the one that inspired me to try and his career was one to emulate and look to in order to keep me going during the hard times. I wanted to shake his hand and say "thank you."
Late yesterday, it was reported that Chris Benoit, along with his son and wife, were dead. Today, it's been discovered and reported that Benoit strangled his wife, smothered his son with a bag, and then hung himself. I was and still am in shock. Toxiology and autopsy reports are still pending.
I don't know how to feel right now. My hero is dead in more ways than mortality. What could have gone through his mind? Was he under the influence of drugs? Did he have a severe depression? Was he and/or his family suffering from some ailment before this tragedy occured? Is this truly a crime with malice in mind or a crime of some sick, unstable love in his heart? How does one react when a person's hero is a murderer? Can a person's years of love and goodness towards his peers, his fans, and his friends be totally revoked by a weekend of pure evil?
I guess that's my fault. I decided to put a human on a pedestal. When will I learn that I will ultimately be disappointed and hurt by everyone? Why don't I get that it is foolish to be inspired by anything that has free will?
My mother was able to put things into perspective. She told to remember and cherish the goodness of this man's life; that Chris Benoit's recent actions did not make his past inspiration to me less valid. I pray and send my condolences to the extend families of Benoit and his wife, along with Benoit's two surviving children. I choose to keep Chris Benoit in a special place within me, but never forgetting that the real Chris Benoit, the one that so many were inspired by and accepted love from, died before the date written on his tombstone.

Finally, now some fun

2007-05-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of blogs. Combination of being busy and blogger not letting me into my account even though I had a gmail account can do that to a guy. Anyway, here's a fun game.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie

Opening Credits: Mortal Kombat Movie Soundtrack- Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat Movie Theme)

Waking Up: Metallica- Wherever I May Roam (from S&M)

First Day At School: Disturbed- Conflict

Falling In Love: Staple- Gavels from Gun Barrels

Fight Song: Rage Against the Machine- Bulls on Parade (how quaint)

Breaking Up: Switchfoot- Easier Than Love (huh…that’s creepy)

Prom: The Darkness- Givin’ Up

Sex Scene: Seether- 69 Tea (no comment here)

Life's Ok: Godsmack - Bad Religion (Wow, my life is still angry when it’s okay.)

Mental Breakdown: Unwritten Law- Up All Night

Driving: Eric Clapton - Who Do You Love?

Flashback: Tool- Lateralus

Getting Back Together: Stabbing Westward- Crushing Me (So I’m depressed that we’re together?)

Birth of Child: Cowboy Bebop Soundtrack- TANK! (if you know this song, then you’d laugh)

Wedding: Korn- Blind (man, when it comes to love my soundtrack is pretty dark)

Final Battle: Rage Against the Machine- Calm Like a Bomb (quaint again)

Death Scene: Gov’t Mule- My Separate Reality (appropriate)

Funeral: Weezer- Crab

End Credits: Powerman 5000- Nobody’s Real

By the looks of my soundtrack, my life movie seems to be an experimental indie film that makes no money but is shown on IFC at 3:00am on Thursdays. Show me what your soundtrack is like.

Wife?

2007-01-30T17:43:00.000-08:00

If God were to bless me with having a wife, here are some things I shouldn't be suprised to hear from her:
- Honey, come to bed and watch Conan with me.
- Can we get tickets to Wrestlemania?
- I disagree, sweetie, I think Daredevil is a better hero than Batman.
- Baby, let's take Tae Kwon Do class together.
- This will look great with your action figures.
- (After love making) Wanna order a pizza?
- How about we go to Best Buy after going to the gym?
- Ugh. I hate country. Put on Clutch.
- I'll have a Warsteiner.
- I told you, as soon as we're done balancing the checkbook, we can watch Simpsons and Family Guy!
- Chris Masters is a terrible worker with no mic skills.
- Can I borrow that Chuck Paluhniuk book when you're done?
- Crap! They sold out on Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie tickets!
- I got pissed so I put on a Lewis Black CD to laugh and cheer me up.
- (Most important) I love you.

Religiously Searching for My Faith's Contact Lenses

2007-01-03T18:21:00.000-08:00

I was bored and reading up on some of my friends' blogs, since it's been a few weeks. I was looking at my good friend Tommy's blog in which he was talking about how people are ashamed of having labels, along with talking about how it seems like being Baptist or a "fundamentalist" is like a curse word along, same with being Republican. He also spoke on how it's a misnomer of saying "Religion Kills" because of the positive points of religion are being clouded and overshadowed by the negative points. He also spoke about how doubting or not being labeled is a cool thing to do nowadays and spoke on how the "old ways" are being scoffed at by "new ways" because they are old, not because they are ineffective or irrelevant. I agree with most of this, except something struck a nerve with me. Tommy ended a paragraph stating "Are we forgetting the differences between moral relativism and absolute truth?" Need a reference? Read his blog for Dec. 5, 2006 entitled Back from the Dead at http://metaldrummer26.livejournal.com/

Done reading? Let's start with what I agree with Mr. Stewart. For the most part, I agree with a good chunk of Tommy's argument on the "Relgion Kills" statement. However, my view on "Religion Kills" differs from what Mr. Stewart interprets. Since the English language is too limited, I think another purpose behind the "Religion Kills" statement is more to awaken those who are walking through the practice, not the message; doing something because the church says so and doing it blindly, instead of finding and knowing the reason why you think/believe/act and doing what you think/believe/act. If what you think/believe/act happens according to the church, whether by coincidence or learned knowledge from it, that's great. But if you are taking communion because that's what you do before the service is over and that you do it because that's what you do at church, then there's an issue.
I do agree with the whole be proud of your label thing. As humans, we have no choice but to use labels. And being a non-label is a label in it of itself (i.e. Non-denominational is a denomination). I think the trouble is that there aren't enough labels to fully describe what you think/believe. For example, I can say that I'm a wrestling fan, but it doesn't explain my philosophy and feelings on it fully. When I say I'm a wrestling fan, there are the inevitable connections to low intelligence/NASCAR fandom. I then have to say that I'm a college educated wrestling fan...then inevitably a college educated wrestling fan that reads philosophy, etc. See? So maybe people need to pierce further into a person or politician more than just seeing a blue or red background behind his or her name.

However, I feel like I should explain why I'm not a fundamentalist because the whole moral relativism vs. absolute truth argument. The reason why I'm not a fundamentalist isn't because I'm all about "everything's okay" or post-modern thought which I believe Mr. Stewart is making reference to. I'm not a fundamentalist because after my personal research/walk/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, I cannot think the Bible to be totally fact and God breathed. Mind you, I'm still reading and learning, so I don't remain totally, stubbornly firm in my stance. In the grand scheme of things, does it matter if I think the story of Adam and Eve was a metaphor and you think it's fact when we both get the same message out of it?
But does being a non-fundamentalist mean that I'm morally opaque? No! Killing? Wrong! Stealing? Wrong! Raping? Of course it's wrong! Obviously there are some more controversial things to take a stance on such as abortion or pre-marital abstinance in which tradition states that they are morally wrong. I have nothing against tradition, however I am against doing it for tradition's sake. That's one of the reasons why Jesus had to come down in the first place, because everyone focused on the traditions rather than the point behind them. Side note: Before you jump to conclusions, I'm not condoning abortion or pre-marital sex, so set the volume of your objections to the statement to a low hum than booming whoop .
In terms of absolute truth, it's not that I don't think that there is an absolute truth. I just am weary to believe that we have found it, at least fully. It's true we as Christians were blind but now can see, but that doesn't mean that we have full 20/20 vision. Man's pride doesn't wear his glasses when he should all the time. There is still more to learn, more to explore. While we get a better glimpse, I don't think God is fully enclosed in a book (or in truth, a series of books and letters bounded together). If you are fundamentalist, that's fine. I can understand that. However, don't think that those who aren't fundamentalists are skeptic because it's the cool thing to do or resented traditional church in their youth. The main truth is Christ came and died for our benefit. That's enough for me. Is it enough for you?

P.S. Thanks, Tommy. I appreciate your firm stance and excellent thoughts that make me sit, reflect, test, and question my own ideas.