Depression

I would say depression is a bitch, but that would imply that depression makes an action. Depression is not a bitch. Depression is that friend at the party that sees you at the otherside of the room, gives you a dirty look, then walks away to the next room. Depression leaves you standing there wondering why the look, what the problem is, and why won't it talk to you about it. Depression stays silent, reading a book, while you scream at the top of your lungs"What's the matter? Talk to me!" Depression has no face. Depression shows only the back of a head.

The reason behind this post is because I am depressed. Don't ask me why because I don't know. I'm tired of feeling guilty for nothing. I'm sick of battling uphill to merely do the things I enjoy. I'm tired of wanting to cry and being unsuccessful. I'm sick of not wanting to leave my apartment and get out of bed. I'm tired of feeling not good enough when I have already accomplished so much in such a small amount of time in my "adult" life. I'm tired of being sad for no explicable reason. I have to lift this weight almost daily and it is wearing me out.

Should I take medication? Maybe, I don't know. As much as it has helped others, (including friends and people I work with) I still fear that it would not only take the edge off feeling bad, but also suck some joy out of the few times I do feel good. I'm afraid that my emotions, while more pleasant, wouldn't be "real."

Do I expect pity? No. There are others more deserving. Do I want prayer? Yeah, it'd be nice. I'm just writing this because writing usually makes me feel better. I'll work out of it. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

Smart Ass(hole)

Not that I haven't noticed already, but I think I'm kind of an asshole. Not a throw-crap-at-you-and-laugh-while-you-are-about-to-go-to-a-job-interview asshole, but a make-saracastic/snide-remark-for-the-sake-of-humor-to-myself-and-sometimes-others asshole. I would say "well, sorry that's who I am," but that's a poor excuse for behavior. It's like Hitler justifying his Anti-Semitism by saying "well, that's who I am and how I was raised."

I guess I use that type of sense of humor because it (most of the time) gets laughs and is a defense mechanism for my own insecurity. I also take full advantage of self-deprecation for the combination of keeping myself humble and make fun of myself before someone else beats me to it. I think it has stayed with me since elementary school when I was being made fun of (maliciously. seriously when is calling someone a "faggot" for no reason funny?) and had to stand up for myself and make up for my social awkwardness (buzzing my head, but keeping my bangs? What was I thinking?).

With that in mind, I have to remind myself that some people just plain don't have the same sense of humor I have or just don't get the joke so I have to make sure my comments don't become misconstued as genuine jerk-offery.

So to those that I have put-off with any of my comments past or present, I'm truly sorry. I tried to joke and it didn't fly, it hurt. Joking like that. is lamer than FDR's legs (there I go, doing it again). In all seriousness, I apologize and if I do it to you and don't like it, call me on it.

To those that I joke around with, feel free to jab, 'cause I'll jab you back for a fun-filled-fun-makery time.

Later.

PS- Hey kids! There is a hidden message somewhere in this blog. Highlight the entry to find it!