Finding a Church (Church names have been omitted to protect me from getting sued/damned to Hell)

So moving to Florida and all that rot means that I need to find a new church in order to get connected with some cool people like I did in Cincy and find a place to pray and worship with others. This should be fun...ugh.
What can I say? I'm picky when it comes to churches. If I can't be myself or put myself in a place where I can worship freely and learn, then I have no interest. So far my church hunt hasn't been going too well.
First, I went to a church that my grandparents thought I might be interested in. Since I was a visitor, I was given a name tag. Sigh. I hate name tags. Quite honestly, I feel uncomfortable when it is directly pointed out that I'm the new guy. All these strangers look at my chest and say, "Good morning, Erik!" when all I can respond with is "...hi." because they don't have nametags.
Then a parishoner gave me a tour of a church when I told her politely "No, thank you, I'm just here for the service." There was a bookstore, but it wasn't like the bookstore at UCC back in Cincinnati. I didn't expect it to be the same as in Ohio, but I expected a bit more than a showcase for Rick Warren and a Jesus-based, Dr. Seuss-esque children's book.
The service was a typical contemporary service with the typical contemporary songs that contain the words "Jesus," "God," "Holy," and "Love" repeatedly, but in different order. That's when the Christian clowns showed up. No, that is not a typo. I'm just going to be vague and leave it at that. The pastor's message that Sunday was...actually, I don't remember it. I was distracted by the clowns. Needless to say, I'm not coming back.
The next week, I went to a church that was literally across the street from the University of Central Florida's basketball arena, so I figured that they might have a Bible study or ministry focused on people in their 20's. I walked in and on my left was the entrance to the sanctuary. On my right, there was a series of classrooms with ages listed on the top. "Ages 0-18 months," "Ages 1-3," "Ages 4-6," "Ages 7-12," "Ages 13-17," "Adult Study," and "Seniors Study." Two questions: 1. Why two separate rooms for babies? and 2. If you are in the middle of a college campus, wouldn't it make sense to have a study for students?
Shaking off those queries, I walked into the sanctuary. I got a bulletin. Teen ministries, children ministries, senior ministries, men's ministries, women's ministries, couples' ministries, married ministries, and parents' ministries were listed. The only thing that was missing was clown ministries...and ministries for single people in their 20's. I can't be the only one in Florida, right? Anyway, I went in and sat down.
The sanctuary looked like the set of MTV Unplugged, only with electrical instruments and even worse music. The message wasn't better either. It wasn't really a sermon but more of a rant with the pastor basically stating, "Seriously, guys, the Bible is real! The Da Vinci Code is lying!" Yeah, he brought up the Da Vinci Code...also Harry Potter for reasons I am still trying to figure out. Look, I'm not picking on the preacher because I'm not a fundamentalist, but the sermon wasn't a sermon. There was no message to take home to chew on and ponder...hell, there wasn't even any scripture to reflect upon! It was just one half of a tired debate. Well, I'm 2 for 2.
This morning after work, I tried out this church downtown. I at least saw people my age, so I might come back. I wasn't totally turned off by the music, but it wasn't my bag to begin with anyway. I have to start a church that sings hard rock or metal and allows screaming. I wasn't sure what to make of the message. The pastor was either talking about us all going to hell because we as a culture focused more on Anna Nicole Smith's paternity debacle than on the Iraq War or that we were saved through grace because we walked the road less traveled like the Robert Frost poem, I'm not sure which. He did insert a Calvin and Hobbes quote in as well so I'm going to give him a second chance. I might come back, but with some reservations.
I'm still going to look around for other possibilities, but it's difficult and frustrating to find a church home. I've always said that the only good part of me being in Cincinnati was finding UCC and making great friends from there. I don't want God to put lightning in a bottle again because nothing can replace or replicate the special bonds I made from UCC, but if He could put a tornado or some other natural phenomenon in a bottle or glass jar, I would be blessed once again.