My Funeral

You can't attend your own funeral...we'll at least not as a sentient, flesh being. However, one can plan his/her own funeral via a will, final wishes, etc. I don't know why, but this thought occurred to me and I wanted to publicly plan my own funeral. Mind you, these ideas will change over time because peoples' preferences change over time. However, if I would to die this year, 2008,I want the following to happen at my funeral.
First off, I'm dead. I don't need to be comfortable. So if anyone in my family buys a casket that isn't a cardboard box or giant envelope, smack them in the face and make them return it. While I do not believe in Valhalla, I would either like to have a funeral in which my body is on a mini-barge and lit on fire while being cast into a body of water. No possessions though, I don't need them. If that body of water leads to a waterfall, that would be awesome.
I don't want my body dressed in a tux or a suit. I've always hated wearing those. I'm dead, I don't have any reason to impress anybody. Put me in a one of my pop culture, cartoon t-shirts, khaki cargo shorts, and sneakers. Don't shave my face, I've always had a beard or stubble, so I don't see a reason for that to change. Instead of the warrior tradition of the body holding a sword or axe to his chest, give me a steel chair which is the ideal pro wrestling weapon.
If this is too much for my family to do, then I'll do the Hunter S. Thomspon rip-off. That is having my body cremated and inserted into fireworks shot into the sky at my funeral.
As for the service, I don't want some random reverend to run the service. Give me the Colonel. No churches. Let the service take place at a comedy club. NO HYMNS. I never did care for most of them. Tommy Stewart will be in charge of the music playing whatever he wants. Yes, that also includes metal. If my body is not cremated and is open casket (or envelope), I request someone to write a word balloon propped up next to my carcass that says, "Welcome to my Goodbye Party! Don't cry, I'm fine. Have some fun!"
Carcass shown or not, let everyone who wants to bring photos, bring them. I only request that Eric Lawshe draws a picture of me punching a full grown grizzly bear in the face while I'm smiling and giving a thumbs up. I would like an ice cream truck, chocolate chip cookies, and a waterslide (snowfort, in case of winter) provided for the children who are attending this funeral with their parents. Kids are always bored or creeped out at these things, so they have some fun provided. I will allow the living to nominate who to do the eulogy. Good candidates would be Scott Braithwaite, Dan Kauffman, or Rich Maskiell. I also want Ed Stewart to do a speech. He's good at that.
I'd like Lindsey Thompson, Rachael Heald, Sarah Fuerbacher, and Kathy Sand to sing "Rainbow Connection" ala The Muppet Movie. I also want any of my other friends who are musically inclined and gifted, to sing and play whatever they want. I have never been blessed with the gift of music so I cherish hearing those who I care about display their talents. No U2, though, please. If others want to, share a Bible passage that they like. I also want my goddaugther, Stacy Braithwaite, to say or sing whatever she wants into the microphone for 3 minutes. That is unless she is busy eating cookies, ice cream, or on the waterslide...or in the snowfort beaning some kid with a snowball.
That is when the dodgeball game will commence. The two Team Captains will be Chad Fuerbacher and Paul Kesig. After teams are decided, the game will commence. Once finished, the losing team will one by one mention a short story regarding me or, if they can't think of one/don't want to, their favorite scene in a movie. The winning team will one by one describe me in one word or if they can't think of one/don't want to, state their favorite food. It's ridiculous, but it's a dead man's wish, dammit.
Then light my body or the fireworks.
After that, go to a park or a person's house for pizza, hamburgers, and a chocolate cake that says "Barnes says "Thanks, good journey, and I'll see you on the other side." written in frosting. Those that want to, drink the beer chosen by Matt Hill, Big D, and Matt VanDoren. If you don't want beer, then drink any beverages provided/created by the team of Mel Brisky, Stephanie Burdette, Sarah Pumphrey, and Matt Estes. Then everyone can go home and live their lives to the fullest, as I have intended to do with mine.
That's it. You are all my witnesses, so if I kick the bucket you have to make it happen!