High gas prices. Bad economy. The war in Iraq. These are valid issues in America, but not so much as this troubling concern .
"C" is for change. It's good enough for me.
(Side Note: Don't read too much into this. Just because I use the word "change" it doesn't mean I'm pro-Obama.)
(Additional Side Note: The previous side note doesn't mean I'm pro-McCain either.)
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Barnes at the Movies: The Incredible Apology...I Mean, Hulk
In 2003, Ang Lee and the folks at Marvel made a movie about the Hulk. Ballyhoo and whatnot followed along with bad, bad reviews. Something was wrong. Ang Lee is a great director. However, he is known for pieces with grace, love, and a little sorrow. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and the Oscar-winning Brokeback Mountain are great stories that he told. He really likes depth and emotion in his characters. Which made him the worst choice for Hulk.
While I'm not about dumbing down movies, Hulk is first and foremost, a comic book character. Not just any comic character, but one that leaves destruction and fury in his wake. Hulk no cry and have arty cinematography, HULK SMASH!!! Fans of the Hulk expect some drama, but a lot of action and mayhem. Hulk had lots of drama (it oozed drama) and very little smash to it. Therefore, the film suffered and bombed.
Five years later, Marvel has made a public apology...and I accept it. The Incredible Hulk isn't so much a sequel as it is a retelling of Bruce Banner's (Edward Norton) plight. Banner was exposed to severe amounts of radiation causing him to transform into a behemoth, dubbed "The Hulk," whenever his heart rate is elevated and he is angered. This leaves Banner with little choice but to exile himself in order to run from General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross (William Hurt) and the military who are attempting to weaponize the beast within him while leaving behind his longtime girlfriend, Betty Ross (Liv Tyler). While in hiding, Banner attempts to find methods of curing himself while simultaneously studies meditation and anger management in order to quell the monster. In order to track down and capture Banner, General Ross is assisted by an accomplished soldier named Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth) who is willing to undergo inhuman experimentation in order to be physically on-par with the Hulk.
The movie is good, but far from perfect. Liv Tyler does a decent job acting, but the Betty Ross character is portrayed more like the nail-biting, worried girlfriend than the smart doctor that she is. William Hurt is fantastic in his role of the General in what would otherwise be a cookie-cutter angry, military-first soldier. Edward Norton is perfect for Bruce Banner. Acting in Fight Club must have helped him portray this "tough bookwormy wimp" character. Tim Roth is the main villain, which is what he is best suited for in most films. No complaints there.
The film does a great job with the look of the Hulk monster. Yes, it's clearly CGI but it doesn't look like the green play-dough monster from the last movie. The animators did a great job with the facial expressions of the jade giant. The smashings, especially the final fight, were well done and reminiscent of the great monster movies. There is little drama and character development, probably shorthanding it due to the overhaul of it from the last movie, but the slow moments that were there were good and meaningful.
Is it as good as Iron Man? No. Is it high art? No and it's not supposed to be. Is it fun and make you root for Bruce Banner? Yes. So mission accomplished. Oh, and speaking of Iron Man, Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) makes an appearance in the movie. I'll leave it to you to see where in the film and why. You did stay after the credits of Iron Man, didn't you?
While I'm not about dumbing down movies, Hulk is first and foremost, a comic book character. Not just any comic character, but one that leaves destruction and fury in his wake. Hulk no cry and have arty cinematography, HULK SMASH!!! Fans of the Hulk expect some drama, but a lot of action and mayhem. Hulk had lots of drama (it oozed drama) and very little smash to it. Therefore, the film suffered and bombed.
Five years later, Marvel has made a public apology...and I accept it. The Incredible Hulk isn't so much a sequel as it is a retelling of Bruce Banner's (Edward Norton) plight. Banner was exposed to severe amounts of radiation causing him to transform into a behemoth, dubbed "The Hulk," whenever his heart rate is elevated and he is angered. This leaves Banner with little choice but to exile himself in order to run from General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross (William Hurt) and the military who are attempting to weaponize the beast within him while leaving behind his longtime girlfriend, Betty Ross (Liv Tyler). While in hiding, Banner attempts to find methods of curing himself while simultaneously studies meditation and anger management in order to quell the monster. In order to track down and capture Banner, General Ross is assisted by an accomplished soldier named Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth) who is willing to undergo inhuman experimentation in order to be physically on-par with the Hulk.
The movie is good, but far from perfect. Liv Tyler does a decent job acting, but the Betty Ross character is portrayed more like the nail-biting, worried girlfriend than the smart doctor that she is. William Hurt is fantastic in his role of the General in what would otherwise be a cookie-cutter angry, military-first soldier. Edward Norton is perfect for Bruce Banner. Acting in Fight Club must have helped him portray this "tough bookwormy wimp" character. Tim Roth is the main villain, which is what he is best suited for in most films. No complaints there.
The film does a great job with the look of the Hulk monster. Yes, it's clearly CGI but it doesn't look like the green play-dough monster from the last movie. The animators did a great job with the facial expressions of the jade giant. The smashings, especially the final fight, were well done and reminiscent of the great monster movies. There is little drama and character development, probably shorthanding it due to the overhaul of it from the last movie, but the slow moments that were there were good and meaningful.
Is it as good as Iron Man? No. Is it high art? No and it's not supposed to be. Is it fun and make you root for Bruce Banner? Yes. So mission accomplished. Oh, and speaking of Iron Man, Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) makes an appearance in the movie. I'll leave it to you to see where in the film and why. You did stay after the credits of Iron Man, didn't you?
Thursday, June 05, 2008
The Color Black
Icebreaker questions. These can either be very insightful and tell you a lot about a person or as enlightening as asking "What would you like for dinner?" My favorite ice breaker question, aside from the popular what superpower would you pick, is "If you were a color, what color would that be?"
My color. I'd be black.
It's not because I wear it all the time. Nor is it because I agree with Johnny Cash's song "The Man in Black." It's just...me. Black is given a negative stigma much of the time and that is unfortunate. Black isn't totally negative. It isn't totally positive.
Black has a pristine presence. It sticks out on its own but can also blend in with the background when other colors are around. It can see as fearful and scary, but under a different perspective can be seen as comforting, enveloping others like a blanket. Black has depth; it is a void. It is the color of mystery. When you stare into black are you staring at nothing...or staring at something limitless? Is black empty or is it something ready to be filled? Is it a color of completion or a color of potential?
Under self reflection, I am the color of black. With others I stick out due to my personality and size, but I also merge into the social background. To those who don't know me, I have an intimidating presence. To those that just got to know me, I get along well; I compliment most colors. I have a vat of potential in many fields, but are some of those fields filled to its limit. While I am fun loving, I have a more melancholic viewpoint which is darkness; black. I also believe life is without limits...like staring into black. Many of my friends confide to me and think of me as a good listener of their troubles; that I won't judge or expose them...they are comforted that the black can cover-up their flaws or bring out the positive colors. I am independent; colors may be complimented alongside me but cannot be mixed with me. I am cryptic at times, exposed in others, the color of purity in some cultures, the color of the tainted in others. I am black.
What color are you?
My color. I'd be black.
It's not because I wear it all the time. Nor is it because I agree with Johnny Cash's song "The Man in Black." It's just...me. Black is given a negative stigma much of the time and that is unfortunate. Black isn't totally negative. It isn't totally positive.
Black has a pristine presence. It sticks out on its own but can also blend in with the background when other colors are around. It can see as fearful and scary, but under a different perspective can be seen as comforting, enveloping others like a blanket. Black has depth; it is a void. It is the color of mystery. When you stare into black are you staring at nothing...or staring at something limitless? Is black empty or is it something ready to be filled? Is it a color of completion or a color of potential?
Under self reflection, I am the color of black. With others I stick out due to my personality and size, but I also merge into the social background. To those who don't know me, I have an intimidating presence. To those that just got to know me, I get along well; I compliment most colors. I have a vat of potential in many fields, but are some of those fields filled to its limit. While I am fun loving, I have a more melancholic viewpoint which is darkness; black. I also believe life is without limits...like staring into black. Many of my friends confide to me and think of me as a good listener of their troubles; that I won't judge or expose them...they are comforted that the black can cover-up their flaws or bring out the positive colors. I am independent; colors may be complimented alongside me but cannot be mixed with me. I am cryptic at times, exposed in others, the color of purity in some cultures, the color of the tainted in others. I am black.
What color are you?
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Barnes at the Movies: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Alabama Henderson, er, Indiana Jones has developed into a modern day movie icon over the past twenty years and with the announcement of a fourth installment of Indy's adventures, many voiced concerns of making yet another sequel nineteen years after the last movie. I was among them, afraid that Harrison Ford wouldn't be able to get his Jones back and that this movie would just turn into a passing of the torch to Spielberg favorite, Shia Lebouf. I'm so glad that I am wrong.
Crystal Skull sees Jones (Ford) in 1957, his loyalty to his country being questioned by the FBI and losing his job as a university professor. He is approached by a young man named Mutt Williams (Lebouf) who is sent by his mother, an apparent acquaintance to Jones, to ask Jones to assist him in rescuing her and helping a fellow archaeological colleague of Jones' and friend to Williams, Professor Oxley, by finding an ancient Mayan crystal skull. All the while, Jones and Williams are being chased, captured, and all that rot by a group of Soviets led by a supposed telepath, Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett).
Ford picks up his character right where he left it and while I expected to hate Lebouf, he actually did well in his role. I expected him to fill the hack role of the trying-to-be-wise-ass-actually-annoying-the-audience young sidekick to Indy (think Ryan Reynolds and Aschton Kutcher) or his apparent typecast of the nerdy, I'm-not-sure-how-I'm-gonna-do-this-coming-of-age-get-the-hot-girl character, but he showed why Spielberg is nuts for the guy. The rest of the cast do their roles well and flow with the tone of the movie. There is also a cameo appearance by Sean Connery...'s photo.
As for the movie as a whole? This movie isn't high art nor has intriguing character development, but that's never been the point of the Indiana Jones series. The question you need to ask for these type of adventure movies isn't "How's the cinematography/subtext?" it's "Is it fun?" And it's fun. Go Spielberg. While in past films there have been elements of mysticism and the supernatural, I still didn't expect to see elements of science fiction (yes, sci-fi) in the film. However, it makes some sense in that the bulk of the series took place in the 1930's and 1940's (when there were quite a few action-adventure movies) and this movie takes place in the 1950's (when science fiction films were rising in number). There are a few references to the first Indy movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark, including involving a character from that film.
In conclusion, grab a fedora, a bullwhip, a smirk, and pay full admission to see this flick. If you go into the film wanting to have fun, you will. If you walk in with a jaundice eye, then you're being a snake. And Indiana Jones hates snakes.
Crystal Skull sees Jones (Ford) in 1957, his loyalty to his country being questioned by the FBI and losing his job as a university professor. He is approached by a young man named Mutt Williams (Lebouf) who is sent by his mother, an apparent acquaintance to Jones, to ask Jones to assist him in rescuing her and helping a fellow archaeological colleague of Jones' and friend to Williams, Professor Oxley, by finding an ancient Mayan crystal skull. All the while, Jones and Williams are being chased, captured, and all that rot by a group of Soviets led by a supposed telepath, Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett).
Ford picks up his character right where he left it and while I expected to hate Lebouf, he actually did well in his role. I expected him to fill the hack role of the trying-to-be-wise-ass-actually-annoying-the-audience young sidekick to Indy (think Ryan Reynolds and Aschton Kutcher) or his apparent typecast of the nerdy, I'm-not-sure-how-I'm-gonna-do-this-coming-of-age-get-the-hot-girl character, but he showed why Spielberg is nuts for the guy. The rest of the cast do their roles well and flow with the tone of the movie. There is also a cameo appearance by Sean Connery...'s photo.
As for the movie as a whole? This movie isn't high art nor has intriguing character development, but that's never been the point of the Indiana Jones series. The question you need to ask for these type of adventure movies isn't "How's the cinematography/subtext?" it's "Is it fun?" And it's fun. Go Spielberg. While in past films there have been elements of mysticism and the supernatural, I still didn't expect to see elements of science fiction (yes, sci-fi) in the film. However, it makes some sense in that the bulk of the series took place in the 1930's and 1940's (when there were quite a few action-adventure movies) and this movie takes place in the 1950's (when science fiction films were rising in number). There are a few references to the first Indy movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark, including involving a character from that film.
In conclusion, grab a fedora, a bullwhip, a smirk, and pay full admission to see this flick. If you go into the film wanting to have fun, you will. If you walk in with a jaundice eye, then you're being a snake. And Indiana Jones hates snakes.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Barnes At The Movies: Iron Man
So I saw Iron Man last weekend and decided that I'd write a little review of the movie and any others that I see during this summer blockbuster season. Iron Man is based off the Marvel comic book of the same name and is the first Marvel Universe movie totally in-house in Marvel's production and distribution department. The theory behind this would be Marvel would have primary control of the futures of their properties and open doors for some characters that most studios wouldn't take chances with, an example being Marvel making a movie about Ant-Man. Who's Ant-Man? My point exactly. The underlying hope is that if Iron Man did well along with other Marvel character movies that this could open doors for character crossovers that would otherwise would be impossible due to interference from other companies (i.e. The X-Men could never coexist with Spiderman because Wolverine is with 20th Century Fox and Peter Parker is hanging out with Sony).
So let's take a look at Marvel's first step into independence. Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark, a booze-hungry playboy (art imitating life, eh, Rob?) who is a brilliant inventor and scientist specializing in creating weapons for the U.S. military. While at a demonstration of one of his new missles, he is kidnapped by a terrorist group and his heart is injured to the point that an electomagnet is inserted into his chest in order to prevent shrapnel from entering his heart and killing him (remember, this is a comic book movie so suspend disbelief). The terrorists force Stark into making them a version of his newest weapon, but instead he secretly builds himself a crude suit of armor that assists in his escape.
After a huge firefight, Tony is rescued and reunites with his Air Force affiliated best friend, Jim Rhodes (played by Terrence Howard), and his personal assistant, Pepper Pots (played by Gwyneth Paltrow). The usually aloof Stark is now concerned that his weapons are being used by both sides of the battlefield and wants out of the arms business, much to the chagrin of his business associate Obidiah Stane (played by the Dude himself, Jeff Bridges). While his pleas of pulling out of the weapons game go on deaf ears, Stark redesigns his armor suit and thus Iron Man is born.
I have to say that I went into this movie with cynicism. I wasn't sure how Marvel could promote and create a film without the input of a proven studio and I wasn't sure that the Iron Man character had steel legs to stand on for a mainstream audience. I thought it would be all flash and explosions with little story and I have never been so glad to be wrong. When it could have been easy to make a movie that was pure eyeball-orgy, Marvel made a movie with the same reasoning they had for its comics: Make stories about people with powers instead of stories about powerful people.
Jon Favreau, who is known for directing comedies like Swingers and Elf, did a great job in creating a fine balance between plot driven, character forming scenes and blow-em-up action. Robert Downey, Jr. was born to play Tony Stark. Minus the techno-genius, the two are exactly the same guy. Downey does a great job in creating a Howard Hawks-esque, fast talking egomaniac that you can't help to cheer and even feel sorry for. The story was solid, the special effects did not take you away from the film, and the action scenes struck all the right notes.
I usually judge a movie by how much I'd pay to see it. I always ask myself, "Would I'd be willing to pay $15 for an evening show, a $5-7 matinee, wait until it gets to the cheapo $2 theater, rent or Netflix it, wait until it's on cable, or not watch it at all?" So on a scale of -$5 (in which the theater owes me money) to $15 (the most I'd be willing to sit in a theater to watch a flick), I give Iron Man a solid $12.75. Let's face it, the movie isn't going to the Oscars and it's too good to be nominated for an MTV Movie Award, but if you like fun action flicks with solid acting performances go and see it. Oh, and be sure to stick around after the credits for a grand surprise...Avengers Assemble?
So let's take a look at Marvel's first step into independence. Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark, a booze-hungry playboy (art imitating life, eh, Rob?) who is a brilliant inventor and scientist specializing in creating weapons for the U.S. military. While at a demonstration of one of his new missles, he is kidnapped by a terrorist group and his heart is injured to the point that an electomagnet is inserted into his chest in order to prevent shrapnel from entering his heart and killing him (remember, this is a comic book movie so suspend disbelief). The terrorists force Stark into making them a version of his newest weapon, but instead he secretly builds himself a crude suit of armor that assists in his escape.
After a huge firefight, Tony is rescued and reunites with his Air Force affiliated best friend, Jim Rhodes (played by Terrence Howard), and his personal assistant, Pepper Pots (played by Gwyneth Paltrow). The usually aloof Stark is now concerned that his weapons are being used by both sides of the battlefield and wants out of the arms business, much to the chagrin of his business associate Obidiah Stane (played by the Dude himself, Jeff Bridges). While his pleas of pulling out of the weapons game go on deaf ears, Stark redesigns his armor suit and thus Iron Man is born.
I have to say that I went into this movie with cynicism. I wasn't sure how Marvel could promote and create a film without the input of a proven studio and I wasn't sure that the Iron Man character had steel legs to stand on for a mainstream audience. I thought it would be all flash and explosions with little story and I have never been so glad to be wrong. When it could have been easy to make a movie that was pure eyeball-orgy, Marvel made a movie with the same reasoning they had for its comics: Make stories about people with powers instead of stories about powerful people.
Jon Favreau, who is known for directing comedies like Swingers and Elf, did a great job in creating a fine balance between plot driven, character forming scenes and blow-em-up action. Robert Downey, Jr. was born to play Tony Stark. Minus the techno-genius, the two are exactly the same guy. Downey does a great job in creating a Howard Hawks-esque, fast talking egomaniac that you can't help to cheer and even feel sorry for. The story was solid, the special effects did not take you away from the film, and the action scenes struck all the right notes.
I usually judge a movie by how much I'd pay to see it. I always ask myself, "Would I'd be willing to pay $15 for an evening show, a $5-7 matinee, wait until it gets to the cheapo $2 theater, rent or Netflix it, wait until it's on cable, or not watch it at all?" So on a scale of -$5 (in which the theater owes me money) to $15 (the most I'd be willing to sit in a theater to watch a flick), I give Iron Man a solid $12.75. Let's face it, the movie isn't going to the Oscars and it's too good to be nominated for an MTV Movie Award, but if you like fun action flicks with solid acting performances go and see it. Oh, and be sure to stick around after the credits for a grand surprise...Avengers Assemble?
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Barnes' Favorite Fictional Bands: #7- Timmy and Lords of the Underworld
That's right. Do they have only one song? Yes. But that song rules. The Lords of the Underworld showed great potential but were missing a key ingredient...then it happened. Timmy and the Lords rocked on and rocked out at Chef Aid, displaying great beats and riffs. Granted the band is limited lyrically, but that doesn't stop them from getting the number seven spot on my list.Witness the band's greatest moment.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
This is Why I Love the Wall on Facebook
So I commented on my friend Andy Dunn's wall on Facebook regarding his profile photo:
"Deep down inside, I knew you were Zach Galifinakis."
He responded to my profile photo:
"Thanks Barnes, I'm glad you understand. Likewise, deep down inside I always knew you were a town of 2,173 people."
It's the little moments, people. The little moments.
Barnes' Favorite Fictional Bands: #8- Limozeen
The creators of Homestarrunner did a great job making a parody of 80's hair metal bands. How did these guys get featured on the Guitar Hero video game franchise? Practice, practice, practice. These guys reached at a number eight on the list not only because they do a great job in rocking and spoofing at the same time, but also doing live gigs! Kudos to you, Limozeen. Kudos.Meanwhile, on Television
According to this, a Family Guy spin-off based off the character Cleveland Brown titled (appropriately) Cleveland is almost confirmed for 13 episodes. Why do I have a feeling that this show will end up being a spoofy mix of The Jeffersons, A Different World and The Cosby Show? A couple predictions regarding the show:
- Cleveland will move into a more "urban" environment, but not a major city (New York, L.A., etc.). Since his name is Cleveland and they can't resist the irony, he'll probably move to Columbus or Cincinnati, Ohio.
- Cleveland's new friends would include a large, muscular black character with a shaved head and goatee, a stereotypical 1970's pimp character, and a Flava Flav archetype. Oh, and a random white guy that does nothing but stuff white people like and stuff that black comedians make fun of. Stuff like the stuff mentioned on this site.
- Carl Weathers will be mayor of whatever city Cleveland is in.
- Quagmire will frequently show up to hang out with Cleveland.
- There will be a talking animal character since Seth MacFarlane has Brian the Dog in Family Guy and Klaus the German Goldfish in American Dad. My guess is a cat.
Time will tell if I'm right.
- Cleveland will move into a more "urban" environment, but not a major city (New York, L.A., etc.). Since his name is Cleveland and they can't resist the irony, he'll probably move to Columbus or Cincinnati, Ohio.
- Cleveland's new friends would include a large, muscular black character with a shaved head and goatee, a stereotypical 1970's pimp character, and a Flava Flav archetype. Oh, and a random white guy that does nothing but stuff white people like and stuff that black comedians make fun of. Stuff like the stuff mentioned on this site.
- Carl Weathers will be mayor of whatever city Cleveland is in.
- Quagmire will frequently show up to hang out with Cleveland.
- There will be a talking animal character since Seth MacFarlane has Brian the Dog in Family Guy and Klaus the German Goldfish in American Dad. My guess is a cat.
Time will tell if I'm right.
I Just Smelled What Barack is Cooking...Along with What Hillary and John Have Broiled.
So many have asked me, since I am an avid wrestling fan, what I thought about Obama, McCain, and Clinton addressing the WWE fans during the live broadcast of WWE RAW a week and a half ago. I realize that I am a week late in addressing this issue, since most news media have already commented and lampooned over it, but since many have asked me my thoughts, especially since I unintentionally foreshadowed the "Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" line in a previous blog, I'll indulge them. I think the appearance of all three candidates was great...and awful.
The three candidates (or, let's face it, their campaign teams) realized that professional wrestling is an outlet enjoyed by numerous people throughout the U.S., including gun toting people who cling to religion (zing, Obama) and the more educated set. While the media continues to portray most wrestling fans as beer bellied, unschooled folk, the campaigns of all three candidates realize the mass appeal that pro wrestling has. Hell, WWE RAW has been one of the top ten viewed cable television programs for the past ten years. Face facts: a lot of people watch pro wrestling...people that vote. That is why I'm glad that all three acknowledged this usually snubbed group of voters.
However, I also think it was awful. Check out snippets of their videos here. Now, I readily know that these videos are supposed to be for fun, however their campaigns (save for McCain since his is smooth sailing until the quagmire that's been the Democratic nomination is settled) aren't supposed to be fun. While I am glad that wrestling fans are being addressed to, this is another attempt for all of them to "slum it up" to appeal to the "common man." I admit, I was entertained, but don't insult my intelligence.
Hil-Rod? Seriously?
First, Clinton looked like she read from cuecards and came off as fake as her sniper fire in Bosnia. Don't use wrestling rhetoric you don't understand and don't drink whisky at a bar that you'd never be caught dead in. Just say, "Hey wrestling fans, I think..."and insert your campaign promises and platform there. Be genuine for once okay? If you aren't familiar with the product, just say you aren't. Besides, the name Hil-Rod reminds me of A-Rod, a baseball player.
Secondly, Obama. While I don't mind him using the "Do you smell what Barack is cooking" line since the amusing comparison between him and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has been established, I also think he read off of cue cards and he had a big "man, this is silly" smile throughout the whole thing. It is silly. Look, Barack, I know that you don't want to come off as an "elitist," but come on.
Random side note: Since when is being elite bad? "I don't want a candidate who thinks he's better than me." I got news for all you. The candidates are the candidates because they ARE better than you. And no matter how many Pabst Blue Ribbons they share in a bar with you, they KNOW they are better than you. I think it's a stupid notion that people want a candidate that is a "regular joe." I don't want a "regular joe." I want the best, the brightest, the strongest our country has to offer. I want someone who is among the...what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yeah...ELITE! Mind you, don't confuse "elite" with "rich." Many folks are elite with or without the bank account, so don't take money into the equation. Folks, there are plenty of other intelligent reasons to be against certain candidates. I want to focus on the person that will prevent gas from being $5 a gallon, not the candidate who can at least bowl a 200.
Barack, you're not a wrestling fan. I'm not a graduate from Harvard. I'm okay with not attending an Ivy League school, like you did. You should be okay with not knowing what a Hornswoggle is, like I do. It's both okay.
McCain, while he was probably coached, actually came off like he had attended a wrestling match or two back in the day. Hell, he's old enough that he had to bump into at least one or two on T.V. While his verbal onslaught of every other wrestling catchphrase since 1985 was a bit much, he actually looked like he had fun. I'm sure he wasn't a genuine wrestling fan, but he at least faked it correctly. However, saying stuff like having the Undertaker take care of Osama Bin Laden makes me question your strategy and seriousness on the War on Terror.
Point is, while entertaining, all three of these candidates were being something that they aren't. While I am glad that they wanted to address the WWE audience, I don't like that they patronized the WWE audience. They could have used this opportunity to gain some votes by talking about the differences amongst the other candidates and addressing issues that the majority of fans in WWE's demographic care about. Instead, they mostly used it for expensive playtime. This could have been used to garner more votes. Instead, it made them, especially the Democrats, look like foolish posers. Candidates, you aren't wrestling fans...don't try to be me. Just talk to me. If you don't know the difference, then I can't help you.
At the same time though, like this amusing cartoon indicates, there probably isn't anything more phony than pro wrestling other than politics.
The three candidates (or, let's face it, their campaign teams) realized that professional wrestling is an outlet enjoyed by numerous people throughout the U.S., including gun toting people who cling to religion (zing, Obama) and the more educated set. While the media continues to portray most wrestling fans as beer bellied, unschooled folk, the campaigns of all three candidates realize the mass appeal that pro wrestling has. Hell, WWE RAW has been one of the top ten viewed cable television programs for the past ten years. Face facts: a lot of people watch pro wrestling...people that vote. That is why I'm glad that all three acknowledged this usually snubbed group of voters.
However, I also think it was awful. Check out snippets of their videos here. Now, I readily know that these videos are supposed to be for fun, however their campaigns (save for McCain since his is smooth sailing until the quagmire that's been the Democratic nomination is settled) aren't supposed to be fun. While I am glad that wrestling fans are being addressed to, this is another attempt for all of them to "slum it up" to appeal to the "common man." I admit, I was entertained, but don't insult my intelligence.
Hil-Rod? Seriously?
First, Clinton looked like she read from cuecards and came off as fake as her sniper fire in Bosnia. Don't use wrestling rhetoric you don't understand and don't drink whisky at a bar that you'd never be caught dead in. Just say, "Hey wrestling fans, I think..."and insert your campaign promises and platform there. Be genuine for once okay? If you aren't familiar with the product, just say you aren't. Besides, the name Hil-Rod reminds me of A-Rod, a baseball player.
Secondly, Obama. While I don't mind him using the "Do you smell what Barack is cooking" line since the amusing comparison between him and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has been established, I also think he read off of cue cards and he had a big "man, this is silly" smile throughout the whole thing. It is silly. Look, Barack, I know that you don't want to come off as an "elitist," but come on.
Random side note: Since when is being elite bad? "I don't want a candidate who thinks he's better than me." I got news for all you. The candidates are the candidates because they ARE better than you. And no matter how many Pabst Blue Ribbons they share in a bar with you, they KNOW they are better than you. I think it's a stupid notion that people want a candidate that is a "regular joe." I don't want a "regular joe." I want the best, the brightest, the strongest our country has to offer. I want someone who is among the...what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yeah...ELITE! Mind you, don't confuse "elite" with "rich." Many folks are elite with or without the bank account, so don't take money into the equation. Folks, there are plenty of other intelligent reasons to be against certain candidates. I want to focus on the person that will prevent gas from being $5 a gallon, not the candidate who can at least bowl a 200.
Barack, you're not a wrestling fan. I'm not a graduate from Harvard. I'm okay with not attending an Ivy League school, like you did. You should be okay with not knowing what a Hornswoggle is, like I do. It's both okay.
McCain, while he was probably coached, actually came off like he had attended a wrestling match or two back in the day. Hell, he's old enough that he had to bump into at least one or two on T.V. While his verbal onslaught of every other wrestling catchphrase since 1985 was a bit much, he actually looked like he had fun. I'm sure he wasn't a genuine wrestling fan, but he at least faked it correctly. However, saying stuff like having the Undertaker take care of Osama Bin Laden makes me question your strategy and seriousness on the War on Terror.
Point is, while entertaining, all three of these candidates were being something that they aren't. While I am glad that they wanted to address the WWE audience, I don't like that they patronized the WWE audience. They could have used this opportunity to gain some votes by talking about the differences amongst the other candidates and addressing issues that the majority of fans in WWE's demographic care about. Instead, they mostly used it for expensive playtime. This could have been used to garner more votes. Instead, it made them, especially the Democrats, look like foolish posers. Candidates, you aren't wrestling fans...don't try to be me. Just talk to me. If you don't know the difference, then I can't help you.
At the same time though, like this amusing cartoon indicates, there probably isn't anything more phony than pro wrestling other than politics.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Fictional Bands: #9- Wyld Stallyns
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Bill S. Preston, Esq. and "Ted" Theodore Logan. They are...WYLD STALLYNS! These two apparently-destined-to-be-great men forged a band so rockin' that they effect future politics and ways of life in the movies, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. They weren't always good guitarists, as seen here, but their love of music and never say die attitude (and I really mean never say die, they survived going to Hell and beat Death in Battleship in order to get back to Earth). These gentlemen went to ultimate lengths to achieve their dreams and their passions, which serve as an inspiration to all of us. The two also preach the simple yet poignant axiom, "Be excellent to each other." It's with those reasons that the Wyld Stallyns get a spot at the list at number nine.
God gave rock and roll to us. Thank you, Bill and Ted, for reminding us.
Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Fictional Bands: #10- The Misfits
No, no, not these guys.
These girls.
Yes, that's right. The major villains in the 1980's animated series JEM broke into the top ten list. While I only caught mere glimspes of them during the show's run (I was too infatuated with Transformers, He Man, and Thundercats at the time), I am happy to include this bad girl group. While little girls might have been inspired by JEM and her Holograms, I think that the Misfits have possibly inspired future punk girl groups. Along with the show providing music videos of the Misfits, no doubt riding the then-pioneering MTV, and showing some...odd fashion sense caught my eye. Also the fact that their name and songs remind me of better music.
There is first Pizzazz Gabor, the lead vocalist and guitarist, fitting the stereotypical rich girl gone bad. She could go far if not for her obsession with Holograms and as long as no one refers to her real name, Phyllis. Then there is Roxy Pellegrini, the bassist of the group, a high school dropout who fights personal illiteracy with the power of rock. Stormer Philips, primary songwriter, the group conscience, and master of the almighty keytar! Rounding out the band is Jetta Burns, who is as good on the sax as she is at lying and stealing.
So congrats to the Misfits to making it to my list at number 10.
"Welcome to the Jungle" (Axl Rose is gonna sue for this one)
Friday, April 25, 2008
April 25, 2008: The Day I Became An Adult
I realized that I am no longer a child, but became a full fledged adult on April 25, 2008. I went to bed at 8:00 PM on a Friday night because I had to work the the next day. When you sacrifice a night of potential fun for a good night's rest, that, my friends, is when you have truly turned into an adult...
Or regressed back into a five year old by having an early bedtime.
Or regressed back into a five year old by having an early bedtime.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Not So Much Writer's Block, but Writer's Boredom/Favorite Internet Video Stars
Since I've been bitten by the writing bug again recently due to finding new stand-up material and a visit from my friend's boyfriend who is a professional screenwriter (look for Anaconda 3, straight-to-DVD in 2010), I decided to dust off an abandoned script that I was writing entitled "World War 2.5" (I'm sure some of you might be either excited, perplexed, worried, or all three). As I am writing this script, I come to realize that I am the kind of writer that needs other things to write about, otherwise I will lose interest. I need to write W.W.2.5 in order to save my brain from getting bored writing stand-up and vice versa.
I also thought that in an effort to make both of those things fresh and new in my brain, that aside from regular blogs that I write, I would also include two top ten lists, in which I will write a little something for each ranking. These two lists shall answer the two important questions that most of you probably ask yourselves: "What are Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Fictional Bands?" and "What are Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Video Game Franchises That Immediately Came To His Mind on April 22, 2008?"
As you can plainly see, my blog is relevant and addresses the real issues. So if something cool comes to mind or if someone wants me to write a Barnesharmonymatch.com.org.tv profile, I'll do so. However, I'll fill in those lists in between those posts. Now, since I don't want a mere blog that is a blog about what's in my blog, here are:
Barnes' Favorite Internet Video Stars That Are Better Than Most Crap That's On Television
Let's face it. Most TV sucks. So where do I go when the idiot box can't entertain or inform me to my standards? The internet of course! Now, 95% of internet video, including youtube, is just home movies, crappy confessions, or just plain bad videos. There are some great diamonds in the huge rough, though. I share some of my favorite diamonds with you, the reader.
Ask a Ninja- What is better than a ninja? No, not pirates, it's a ninja that will gladly answer any query you may have. While the ninja will put his answer in a ninja context (whether your question is ninja related or not), you will be thoroughly informed or at least entertained. With his wild explanations, violent disposition, and cinematography that is reminiscent of the 1960's Batman television series, Ask a Ninja is defintely something to witness. Here are some samples:
The Ninja unearths the truth about an important mythical character.
Can midgets be ninjas? Yes...BEWARE!
Do ninjas go on dates? Of course! Hell, they need a vacation!
You can find other videos on youtube or at http://www.askaninja.com/
Homestar Runner- I know that most of you have probably been to this webpage back in the day, but I still end up going to it and see what Homestar, Bubs, and Strong Bad are up to. It's a great series of toons that never seems to fail to entertain me, whether it be Strong Bad answering emails from fans, little niche cartoons, or fake funny ads for nonexistent products. You can check it all out at http://www.homestarrunner.com/ . Here are samples from the site, like:
A Strong Bad Email: Strong Bad talks about wrestling…what do you expect? It’s my blog.
The first episode of the cult favorite, The Teen Girl Squad!
And ads,like this…it’s creepy because it’s exactly represents my feelings on fast food.
Angry Video Game Nerd- This guy is hilarious. James Rolfe, aspiring filmmaker and internet media maven, is the Angry Video Game Nerd, a nerd who reviews the worst video games of our childhood. His reviews are not just entertaining (warning: ALL of them contain huge amounts of foul language and poop jokes) but make great points that all wannabe and current game creators should bear in mind when making a video game. His early videos are a little bit crude looking, but now that he has financial backing from http://www.gametrailers.com/ and http://www.screwattack.com/ , his videos have a greater quality and even have special effects. His videos can be seen at those sites, on youtube, or at his personal website http://www.cinemassacre.com/. Here are some of my favorites:
Thou shalt not play Wisdom Tree games!
No wonder Silver Surfer is seen as a D list superhero.
The Nerd doesn’t only go after games, but crappy video game accessories as well. Take this, Sega 32X!
Cinefiles- The top contestants from IFC's Ultimate Film Fanatic have gathered together for a round table discussion and debate about various film topics. Their show airs in NYC on a local cable access channel, but they have extended their reach by posting their episodes on youtube along with having a myspace page. Unlike many wannabe critics on the internet, these guys don't crap on all movies like a guy who hates movies nor think a film is good with reasons like "It's just totally awesome!" or "Dude, she shows her tits in it!" These guys know their stuff or at least think that they know so much that they actually research to the point that they actually end up knowing their stuff. And they don't talk about regular flavor of the week movies, they do stuff like:
Discussing political documentaries. No there’s no Michael Moore in this one…they have one about him specifically here.
Talk about films inspired, based on, or totally ripping off author Philip K. Dick.
Also, the Crew debates, discusses, and disgusts over comic book movies.
The Stack- Yeah, I'm a nerd. However, I'm a thrifty nerd. I like comic books, but at $2.99 a pop the price can add up. Enter these guys. They review comics and trade paperbacks so that nerds like me get a heads up on what to check out and what to probably avoid. They cover not only the weekly books, but other stuff as well. You can see them at http://www.pulpsecret.com/ , http://www.newsrama.com/ , or subscribe to them on youtube. Some of their videos include:
Reviews of their favorite graphic novels.
Quality comics that are appropriate for you, your kid brother, and grandad.
New manga that us in the U.S. can sample.
The Kid from Brooklyn- Not to be confused with his adversary,the Guy from Boston, the Kid "tells it like is" and touts to be "The Voice of the People." The Kid is the grumpy, old man that your grandfather lives next door to that reminisces of the good ol' days but, unlike the grandpa's neighbor, acknowledges the current state of affairs. Picture if Grandpa Simpson, Lewis Black, and Archie Bunker are blended together then soaked in a marinade made of foul language and the manners of the stereotypical New Yorker. The Kid's videos can be seen at his site, http://www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com/, but I rather look at his rantings that are posted on youtube.
Disclaimer: The Kid from Brooklyn's views and obscene language, while entertaining, do not necessarily reflect the views of the author of this blog. So don't write to your congressman about me drowning America's values.
The Kid's samples are here:
Based on this rant, I think the Kid hates, hates, hates Valentines Day.
GET OUTTA BROOKLYN, STARBUCKS!
Good to see the Kid care about the state of the economy.
Deep Fried Live!- I don't watch cooking shows. They either a) focus too much on cooking for me to be entertained or b) the personalities on the show annoy me. Well, how is this cooking program different? The chef is an octopus. Did I get your attention? Chef Tako hands out real recipes in this awesome flash cartoon. Not only do you get to learn how to make various dishes while being entertained, the sidebars on the borders of the cartoon have links with various fun facts, other cooking recipes, or links to websites to purchase any necessary cookingware. You can check out the creators' webpage at http://www.8legged.com/ . Some samples are:
Chef Tako teaches us how to cook exotic birds…okay, maybe not that exotic.
Can you make a flan out of pumpkin…apparently, yes!
I never thought I’d ever entertain the thought of cooking meatloaf…until now.
The House of Cosbys- What's better than one Bill Cosby? How about a house filled with them? Let me explain via the theme song:
He was a Cosby fan at heart, it's clear
He searched and found a Cosby hair
He spent ten long years and built a cloning machine
And now he's accomplished his wonderful dream
To make a House of Cosbys
It's a House of Cosbys
Rather than spoil it for you, watch the first episode of this funny yet unfortunately discontinued cartoon that you can easily search for on youtube. Be forewarned, some episodes have crude language and some Cosby related nudity.
So if you're bored, check some of these things out. Also, please send a link to some of your favorite ongoing internet video series on the comments page to this email to share your favorite videos with me and my fellow blog readers. Peace.
I also thought that in an effort to make both of those things fresh and new in my brain, that aside from regular blogs that I write, I would also include two top ten lists, in which I will write a little something for each ranking. These two lists shall answer the two important questions that most of you probably ask yourselves: "What are Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Fictional Bands?" and "What are Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Video Game Franchises That Immediately Came To His Mind on April 22, 2008?"
As you can plainly see, my blog is relevant and addresses the real issues. So if something cool comes to mind or if someone wants me to write a Barnesharmonymatch.com.org.tv profile, I'll do so. However, I'll fill in those lists in between those posts. Now, since I don't want a mere blog that is a blog about what's in my blog, here are:
Barnes' Favorite Internet Video Stars That Are Better Than Most Crap That's On Television
Let's face it. Most TV sucks. So where do I go when the idiot box can't entertain or inform me to my standards? The internet of course! Now, 95% of internet video, including youtube, is just home movies, crappy confessions, or just plain bad videos. There are some great diamonds in the huge rough, though. I share some of my favorite diamonds with you, the reader.
Ask a Ninja- What is better than a ninja? No, not pirates, it's a ninja that will gladly answer any query you may have. While the ninja will put his answer in a ninja context (whether your question is ninja related or not), you will be thoroughly informed or at least entertained. With his wild explanations, violent disposition, and cinematography that is reminiscent of the 1960's Batman television series, Ask a Ninja is defintely something to witness. Here are some samples:
The Ninja unearths the truth about an important mythical character.
Can midgets be ninjas? Yes...BEWARE!
Do ninjas go on dates? Of course! Hell, they need a vacation!
You can find other videos on youtube or at http://www.askaninja.com/
Homestar Runner- I know that most of you have probably been to this webpage back in the day, but I still end up going to it and see what Homestar, Bubs, and Strong Bad are up to. It's a great series of toons that never seems to fail to entertain me, whether it be Strong Bad answering emails from fans, little niche cartoons, or fake funny ads for nonexistent products. You can check it all out at http://www.homestarrunner.com/ . Here are samples from the site, like:
A Strong Bad Email: Strong Bad talks about wrestling…what do you expect? It’s my blog.
The first episode of the cult favorite, The Teen Girl Squad!
And ads,like this…it’s creepy because it’s exactly represents my feelings on fast food.
Angry Video Game Nerd- This guy is hilarious. James Rolfe, aspiring filmmaker and internet media maven, is the Angry Video Game Nerd, a nerd who reviews the worst video games of our childhood. His reviews are not just entertaining (warning: ALL of them contain huge amounts of foul language and poop jokes) but make great points that all wannabe and current game creators should bear in mind when making a video game. His early videos are a little bit crude looking, but now that he has financial backing from http://www.gametrailers.com/ and http://www.screwattack.com/ , his videos have a greater quality and even have special effects. His videos can be seen at those sites, on youtube, or at his personal website http://www.cinemassacre.com/. Here are some of my favorites:
Thou shalt not play Wisdom Tree games!
No wonder Silver Surfer is seen as a D list superhero.
The Nerd doesn’t only go after games, but crappy video game accessories as well. Take this, Sega 32X!
Cinefiles- The top contestants from IFC's Ultimate Film Fanatic have gathered together for a round table discussion and debate about various film topics. Their show airs in NYC on a local cable access channel, but they have extended their reach by posting their episodes on youtube along with having a myspace page. Unlike many wannabe critics on the internet, these guys don't crap on all movies like a guy who hates movies nor think a film is good with reasons like "It's just totally awesome!" or "Dude, she shows her tits in it!" These guys know their stuff or at least think that they know so much that they actually research to the point that they actually end up knowing their stuff. And they don't talk about regular flavor of the week movies, they do stuff like:
Discussing political documentaries. No there’s no Michael Moore in this one…they have one about him specifically here.
Talk about films inspired, based on, or totally ripping off author Philip K. Dick.
Also, the Crew debates, discusses, and disgusts over comic book movies.
The Stack- Yeah, I'm a nerd. However, I'm a thrifty nerd. I like comic books, but at $2.99 a pop the price can add up. Enter these guys. They review comics and trade paperbacks so that nerds like me get a heads up on what to check out and what to probably avoid. They cover not only the weekly books, but other stuff as well. You can see them at http://www.pulpsecret.com/ , http://www.newsrama.com/ , or subscribe to them on youtube. Some of their videos include:
Reviews of their favorite graphic novels.
Quality comics that are appropriate for you, your kid brother, and grandad.
New manga that us in the U.S. can sample.
The Kid from Brooklyn- Not to be confused with his adversary,the Guy from Boston, the Kid "tells it like is" and touts to be "The Voice of the People." The Kid is the grumpy, old man that your grandfather lives next door to that reminisces of the good ol' days but, unlike the grandpa's neighbor, acknowledges the current state of affairs. Picture if Grandpa Simpson, Lewis Black, and Archie Bunker are blended together then soaked in a marinade made of foul language and the manners of the stereotypical New Yorker. The Kid's videos can be seen at his site, http://www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com/, but I rather look at his rantings that are posted on youtube.
Disclaimer: The Kid from Brooklyn's views and obscene language, while entertaining, do not necessarily reflect the views of the author of this blog. So don't write to your congressman about me drowning America's values.
The Kid's samples are here:
Based on this rant, I think the Kid hates, hates, hates Valentines Day.
GET OUTTA BROOKLYN, STARBUCKS!
Good to see the Kid care about the state of the economy.
Deep Fried Live!- I don't watch cooking shows. They either a) focus too much on cooking for me to be entertained or b) the personalities on the show annoy me. Well, how is this cooking program different? The chef is an octopus. Did I get your attention? Chef Tako hands out real recipes in this awesome flash cartoon. Not only do you get to learn how to make various dishes while being entertained, the sidebars on the borders of the cartoon have links with various fun facts, other cooking recipes, or links to websites to purchase any necessary cookingware. You can check out the creators' webpage at http://www.8legged.com/ . Some samples are:
Chef Tako teaches us how to cook exotic birds…okay, maybe not that exotic.
Can you make a flan out of pumpkin…apparently, yes!
I never thought I’d ever entertain the thought of cooking meatloaf…until now.
The House of Cosbys- What's better than one Bill Cosby? How about a house filled with them? Let me explain via the theme song:
He was a Cosby fan at heart, it's clear
He searched and found a Cosby hair
He spent ten long years and built a cloning machine
And now he's accomplished his wonderful dream
To make a House of Cosbys
It's a House of Cosbys
Rather than spoil it for you, watch the first episode of this funny yet unfortunately discontinued cartoon that you can easily search for on youtube. Be forewarned, some episodes have crude language and some Cosby related nudity.
So if you're bored, check some of these things out. Also, please send a link to some of your favorite ongoing internet video series on the comments page to this email to share your favorite videos with me and my fellow blog readers. Peace.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I'm Online. Go Me.
So this guy has been recording us budding comedians at Bonkers Comedy Club and posting video of our sets online on his website. You can watch me here. I did okay. This was my first set in a long while and in front of a sorority that had a mixer at the club. Real post later.
(Video is in Quicktime format and works best in Firefox)
(Video is in Quicktime format and works best in Firefox)
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Do You Smell What Barack Is Cooking?
Now, I shy away from discussing partisan politics on my blog. Usually it's due to these reasons:
1) I don't think I'm educated enough to eloquently explain my position on issues/candidates.
2) I don't care about or don't trust certain issues or candidates.
3) I'm a moderate, so I don't like most politicians. Also, if I might agree with some ideas from one candidate and disagree with the candidate's other ideas and I state about the stuff I like about the candidate, people will ask me why I like him/her because of the stuff I would usually disagree with. Just because I support the eating of hamburgers doesn't mean that I endorse McDonalds.
4) If I make a public political statement it would be held against me or someone would try to debate me to death to convince me to be on their side when I have no interest in convincing them to be on my side. So if you disagree with me, that's fine. Just don't expect me to defend my position to you because quite frankly, my opinion doesn't even equal 1% of a deciding vote and ultimately, I have other things to do then play an armchair political pundit game of which I have no deep interest in.
Now, with that being said, I'm going to break my usual political silence. Here goes. I don't know if I'm voting for John McCain. I don't know if I'd vote for Barack Obama. All I know is that I'm not voting for Hillary Clinton. But why? It's not because she's a woman. It is not because I disagree with the majority of her policies (which doesn't mean that I do agree with her policies). It's because I don't like her. Why? She seems fake, or if the other candidates are also fake, she is the worst at being fake. Also, she annoys me. Obama and McCain do not.
Is that a childish reason? Yes. However, I know that no matter who gets to be president, there will ultimately be some things being done that I agree with and stuff that I don't agree with. If you think you are going to get the leader that does everything you want him/her to do, you couldn't be more misguided if you tried. So with that mindset, I look at some of the issues and the candidates' demeanors and I think that I wouldn't mind McCain or Obama being president.
I don't think that way about Hillary. John McCain strikes me as an experienced person that knows what he's talking about and is willing to listen to input from other people regardless of party. Obama strikes me as an idealist that wants to change the U.S. for the better while accepting the guidance and wisdom of other people. Hillary strikes me as a person who will do her agenda without really paying attention to what is really going on. I think she even takes her husband, the former president's, advice with a grain of salt. That and I either don't agree with her views or don't agree with her methods of obtaining the views that I agree with.
So let be known to the world, that the candidate that I will vote for in 2008 will be...Not Hillary Clinton. Thus I will post a bumper sticker on my car that reads "No Clinton in '08." Actually, I won't do that because bumper stickers are hard to remove and I don't want to be the future equivilant of the guy that still has a Gore/Lieberman sticker on his car in 2008.
On another note, it's been established on every other radio show in the country that Barack Obama and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson sound creepily alike. However, I never knew how much until I saw this video. I'm sorry, Mr. Obama, but it's called the WWE title now. I hope you do win the primary from the "thong wearing fatty," though.
1) I don't think I'm educated enough to eloquently explain my position on issues/candidates.
2) I don't care about or don't trust certain issues or candidates.
3) I'm a moderate, so I don't like most politicians. Also, if I might agree with some ideas from one candidate and disagree with the candidate's other ideas and I state about the stuff I like about the candidate, people will ask me why I like him/her because of the stuff I would usually disagree with. Just because I support the eating of hamburgers doesn't mean that I endorse McDonalds.
4) If I make a public political statement it would be held against me or someone would try to debate me to death to convince me to be on their side when I have no interest in convincing them to be on my side. So if you disagree with me, that's fine. Just don't expect me to defend my position to you because quite frankly, my opinion doesn't even equal 1% of a deciding vote and ultimately, I have other things to do then play an armchair political pundit game of which I have no deep interest in.
Now, with that being said, I'm going to break my usual political silence. Here goes. I don't know if I'm voting for John McCain. I don't know if I'd vote for Barack Obama. All I know is that I'm not voting for Hillary Clinton. But why? It's not because she's a woman. It is not because I disagree with the majority of her policies (which doesn't mean that I do agree with her policies). It's because I don't like her. Why? She seems fake, or if the other candidates are also fake, she is the worst at being fake. Also, she annoys me. Obama and McCain do not.
Is that a childish reason? Yes. However, I know that no matter who gets to be president, there will ultimately be some things being done that I agree with and stuff that I don't agree with. If you think you are going to get the leader that does everything you want him/her to do, you couldn't be more misguided if you tried. So with that mindset, I look at some of the issues and the candidates' demeanors and I think that I wouldn't mind McCain or Obama being president.
I don't think that way about Hillary. John McCain strikes me as an experienced person that knows what he's talking about and is willing to listen to input from other people regardless of party. Obama strikes me as an idealist that wants to change the U.S. for the better while accepting the guidance and wisdom of other people. Hillary strikes me as a person who will do her agenda without really paying attention to what is really going on. I think she even takes her husband, the former president's, advice with a grain of salt. That and I either don't agree with her views or don't agree with her methods of obtaining the views that I agree with.
So let be known to the world, that the candidate that I will vote for in 2008 will be...Not Hillary Clinton. Thus I will post a bumper sticker on my car that reads "No Clinton in '08." Actually, I won't do that because bumper stickers are hard to remove and I don't want to be the future equivilant of the guy that still has a Gore/Lieberman sticker on his car in 2008.
On another note, it's been established on every other radio show in the country that Barack Obama and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson sound creepily alike. However, I never knew how much until I saw this video. I'm sorry, Mr. Obama, but it's called the WWE title now. I hope you do win the primary from the "thong wearing fatty," though.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Barnesharmonymatch.com.org.tv/Colonel's Profile
This one is for the Colonel.
Eric is one of most levelheaded men I've met. His wit and knowledge are as quick and solid as roundhouse kick from one of his heroes, Chuck Norris. His love of God and reason is as huge as the muscles of his other hero, Mr. T. His nickname The Colonel fits him well, due to his ability to lead and teach. Just because he sees all things from all perspectives doesn't mean that he tries to be all things to all people. As a reverend, he is able to bring and distribute hope to others. As a friend, he brings more love and truth than most. It is impossible for Eric to be more mellow. Seriously, the man is calmer and more tranquil than most trees. His sense of humor is as big and as wide as two grizzly bears duct taped together. Ladies, date him already. Hippies need not apply.
Hope this helps, bud.
Eric is one of most levelheaded men I've met. His wit and knowledge are as quick and solid as roundhouse kick from one of his heroes, Chuck Norris. His love of God and reason is as huge as the muscles of his other hero, Mr. T. His nickname The Colonel fits him well, due to his ability to lead and teach. Just because he sees all things from all perspectives doesn't mean that he tries to be all things to all people. As a reverend, he is able to bring and distribute hope to others. As a friend, he brings more love and truth than most. It is impossible for Eric to be more mellow. Seriously, the man is calmer and more tranquil than most trees. His sense of humor is as big and as wide as two grizzly bears duct taped together. Ladies, date him already. Hippies need not apply.
Hope this helps, bud.
Barnesharmonymatch.com.org.tv. or Single? Let Me Tell You About My Friend, Jen...
Okay. I apparently did a bang up job for not only Shannon, but Rachael as well in terms of profiles for dating sites. I've had more requests and decided that if you wish for me to write a profile for you, whether you are male or female, I will gladly do so if asked. The only catch is that I have to put it up publicly on my blog and that you get no say in how you are described. One that note, let me tell about my friend who is also in Japan named Jen.
Jen loves PBR. And by PBR, I mean Peanut Butter and Running. Seriously, you can't catch her, but she'd appreciate it if you tried to keep pace with her. Jen also loves everything that has to do with people: hanging out with friends, hanging out with new people, hanging out with old people, going out to find people, and even travel to another country to teach people. Jen has learned multiple languages in order to connect with even more people. Jen's love of meeting people is only matched by her need of helping people. Jen's brain is actually a sponge; wanting to learn everything outside the familiar and read whatever is available. Jen has a warm grin that has the innate ability to make you smile back. She's like Phoebe from the sitcom, Friends, only not a dimwit. If you want to change lives and need a partner in crime, look her up. She lives with Rachael.
Colonel, you are next.
Jen loves PBR. And by PBR, I mean Peanut Butter and Running. Seriously, you can't catch her, but she'd appreciate it if you tried to keep pace with her. Jen also loves everything that has to do with people: hanging out with friends, hanging out with new people, hanging out with old people, going out to find people, and even travel to another country to teach people. Jen has learned multiple languages in order to connect with even more people. Jen's love of meeting people is only matched by her need of helping people. Jen's brain is actually a sponge; wanting to learn everything outside the familiar and read whatever is available. Jen has a warm grin that has the innate ability to make you smile back. She's like Phoebe from the sitcom, Friends, only not a dimwit. If you want to change lives and need a partner in crime, look her up. She lives with Rachael.
Colonel, you are next.
What's Happening to America's Muppets?
I was putzing around today wondering what has happened to the Muppets since their hey-day. I mean we do see them pop up now and again, what with Sesame Street still being on the air, but some have done some stuff to make ends meet, scandals have risen, and others have fallen waiting for help to get picked up. Here's what I have found on YouTube about the current status of some of our felt-filled friends.
Beaker has finally come out of his shell, revealing that he is actually one hit wonder, Rick Astley.
Count Von Count has revealed to the public, in song no less, that he has a sex addiction. Please send him your support.
Cookie Monster's cookie cravings have gone too extreme as well.
Jim Henson Productions teamed up with Quentin Tarantino in a story in which pulp meets fluff.
Rob Zombie wanted in on a project as well.
The Monster Muppets left the rest of the crew to join REM of all people.
There are rumors that some Muppets slightly altered their appearance in order run for president. PROOF!
After working with Quentin and Rob, Peter Jackson asked the Muppets to assist in developing a soundtrack for The Lord of the Rings. Ultimately, Peter hired an orchestra.
Despite this setback, Spike Lee wanted to work with the Muppet's Fischer Price Divison.
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem also got a chance to collaborate with Elton John once again...FOR A METAL ALBUM!!!
Well, I hope things continue to thrive for Muppetkind and I hope and wish they each find their own rainbow connection, whatever and wherever that may be.
Beaker has finally come out of his shell, revealing that he is actually one hit wonder, Rick Astley.
Count Von Count has revealed to the public, in song no less, that he has a sex addiction. Please send him your support.
Cookie Monster's cookie cravings have gone too extreme as well.
Jim Henson Productions teamed up with Quentin Tarantino in a story in which pulp meets fluff.
Rob Zombie wanted in on a project as well.
The Monster Muppets left the rest of the crew to join REM of all people.
There are rumors that some Muppets slightly altered their appearance in order run for president. PROOF!
After working with Quentin and Rob, Peter Jackson asked the Muppets to assist in developing a soundtrack for The Lord of the Rings. Ultimately, Peter hired an orchestra.
Despite this setback, Spike Lee wanted to work with the Muppet's Fischer Price Divison.
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem also got a chance to collaborate with Elton John once again...FOR A METAL ALBUM!!!
Well, I hope things continue to thrive for Muppetkind and I hope and wish they each find their own rainbow connection, whatever and wherever that may be.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Barnes' WrestleWeekend Journal
Let me foreworn you, fellow readers, that this is a long entry. I suggest you either have nothing better to do or, like a good ice cream sandwich, indulge in little bites. This past weekend was one of the best weekends in recent memory...as a matter of fact, I didn't have this much fun since probably early 2006. I wish to share with you my journey into the heart of my WrestleWeekend. Don't worry, non-wrestling fans, this isn't just a "this match was good, this wasn't, blah, blah." Don't get me wrong, there is some of that, but like most adventures it is about the journey rather than the destination. The days and occurances of the journal are accurate and the times are approximate. Without further delay, I give you Barnes' WrestleWeekend Journal.
Friday, March 28, 2008
3:39AM- I wake for my last day of work until Tuesday. I have my hair cut, my beard trimmed, and the rest of my face shaven. I brush, floss, and Listerine like I usually do, but I do the routine twicefold. After all, I have to be presentable when I meet Ric Flair.
8: 09AM- It is reported by the weatherman (or meteorologist if you want to technical about it) that Ric Flair's limo just got into the parking lot. The anchors are surprised that he would arrive in a limo. I shake my head at them. Before Ric's arrival into the studio, all the techs bet on how many people would be in his entourage aside from Flair himself. Rollen, my supervisor, bets 5. Scott, the male anchor, thinks he's coming alone. I suggest three. After all, Flair needs three men to have his Four Horsemen.
8:15AM- Flair and his men walk into the studio during the live broadcast. He has three gentlemen in suits with him. Called it. Flair sits down on a padded chair and the PA brings coffee in a CW mug. I ended up getting that mug (IT WAS WASHED, DON'T WORRY). For further details on this encounter, read my Relflections on Ric Flair blog.
3:20PM- After a nice lunch at BD's Mongolian BBQ (one of the best restaurants ever), my weekend starts at the cinema for Run, Fatboy, Run. It's no Hot Fuzz, but it was a solid comedy. I look forward to buying it on DVD used at my local MovieStop two years from now.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
6:18PM- I arrive at the Ring of Honor's Supercard of Honor III show being held at the local rec center. This is Ring of Honor's second show ever in Florida, the first one being the night before. I park in a dirt lot, giving a strange man $5 to park there. I ask if the lot was going to be guarded. He said yes and I'd have to present my ticket stub in order to gain access. I park and the man asks me to move closer to the other car. I explain to him that a) I'm not 2D and cannot shimmy through the cars when I open the door and b) I'd take you more seriously if you actually had a paved lot with lines and not a dirt pile with uneven terrain. He couldn't argue against that, so I got my space to breathe and proceeded to the rec center.
6:31PM- I wait in line to get in. I already have tickets but there is still a line? WTF? At the entranceway, I see a wheelchair-bound man with a beard and rags asking for change and cracking jokes. He was entertaining and I was inspired that a man that was that down on his luck would be so jovial. Then the heavyset woman in front of me explained that he was a local indy wrestler and that was his gimmick; he wasn't really homeless or crippled. Now, I can somewhat understand if this was a comedy skit for some candid-camera-esque show, but how are you going to get a gimmick like that over with the crowd as a wrestler when your character CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO THE RING. There was also a real person in a wheelchair, so this had to be a real smack in the mouth to him. This, along with being scrawny as hell, is why you'll never make it past indy level, buddy.
6:46PM- I'm inside, make a beeline to the restroom, then head to the merchandise table. I got this t-shirt, an action figure, a DVD featuring Samoa Joe vs. Kenta Kobashi in one of the most brutal matches not involving blood, and a Best of Chikara DVD for a great deal. What's Chikara? Imagine if Monty Python, a comedy on Telemundo, and a Japanese game show merged together and had a wrestling show. Those are my kind of people.
7:06PM- I sit in my chair on the floor. Great view. On my left is a morbidly obese gentleman who is covering up his bodily odor with Aqua Velva. It's not working. In front of my me is an even more obese gentleman who smells like moldy tangerines and a festering washrag. I politely try to make conversation with both gentlemen to try to overlook the odors and make friends. They both snub me. So that's why they smell: they're assholes!
7:21PM- Nine minutes until bell-time and the guy who is seated at my right sits down. I ask him if he knew what the card was. In a polite British accent, the guy stated he didn't know. We hit it off and, as if I were an ambassador to the U.S., welcomed him to the States. He stated that he just got off the plane and beelined here for the show. At last minute, he decided to fly down here for the weekend for this show and Wrestlemania the following night since buttons are worth more than the American dollar nowadays. We then proceeded to yell and chant for the show to begin.
7:30PM- Go Shiozaki beat Delirious- This was a fun comedy match. Delirious' character is a masked wrestler that's a little crazy and his catchphrase is simply saying, "BAHHH!" loudly. Go is an import from Dragon Gate, a wrestling promotion in Japan. Fans were all chanting, "GO! GO! GO!" while Delirious fans shouted, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" This reminds me why I love going to indy wrestling shows. Go wins with a brainbuster-esque move. This is gonna be a fun show.
7:44PM- YRR defeated D.I.N.G.O.- A person pushing another person in a wheelchair tries to find their seats. My British buddy and I move our chairs to let them through. The fat a-holes don't. Seriously, guys. The Brit and I have no idea who any of these wrestlers are except one guy on D.I.N.G.O. is Luke from the old WWF tag team, The Bushwackers. He does the trademark Bushwacker wavy-arms walk and licks the faces of nearby fans. I'm not making this up. It was short and fun, but these a-holes are pissing me off.
7:56PM- The No Remorse Corps retained the ROH tag titles against The Vulture Squad. Lots of flying, lots of near falls, and the crowd was buzzing. Larry Sweeney, my new wrestling hero, entertains the crowd, tossing business cards at us for his Sweet and Sour Inc. stable and management team. He calls out NRC leader Roderick Strong and asks him to join his group. He declines which causes Erick Stevens to come out and brawl with him.
8:09PM- Erick Stevens vs. Roderick Strong in a no-contest- Good lord. Guys, I know that you are building up a PPV match, but geez. Both men chopped each other on the chest so hard that not only did the sick cracks vibrate in the building but BOTH MEN'S CHESTS WERE BLEEDING. No fake blood (which doesn't actually exist in pro wrestling) or using a razorblade to make cuts. Legit, hardway blood. They both did blade (cutting themselves at the top the skull to let blood cover their faces) after exchanging hits to the turnbuckle. They both exchange stiff forearms to the head and neck. The Brit and I remark on how we can hear the smacks of flesh. The finale was Strong hitting Stevens with an unprotected chairshot to the skull. Stevens is an idiot or wants a two year career if he agrees to do that. The sound resonates to the point in that the crowd quiets down in shock. Then some of the crowd chants, "HOLY SHIT." The villain Strong beckons his NRC to come to ring and shave off Stevens' mohawk in the middle of the ring. Stevens, you better hope that your PPV match draws a lot of money to justify killing your braincells and losing your hairstyle. The Brit and I both remark on how it was cool to watch, but grossly unnecessary to enhance both men's careers.
8:27PM-Age of the Fall beats The Briscoe Brothers- The Briscoes are good ol' boys who love to fly. Age of the Fall are emo kids trying to change the world. Let the ideologies clash. These guys fought in the crowd most of the match, which sucks since most of the time you can't see what's going on. Jay Briscoe suplexed Tyler Black into our section, chairs flying about, and brawling everywhere. The seating chart is now worthless. On the other side of the building, Jay Briscoe jumps off the top of the bleachers through a table when his opponent moves out of the way. The Brit stands on his chair and gives me play by play. I'm too large to stand on my chair without breaking it and killing myself. Good crowd interaction along with a great finish.
8:42PM- Intermission- The Brit and I don't want to pay $6 for a crappy burger and $1 for a can of soda, so we sit and talk about politics, the greatness and crappiness of Guy Richie, our struggles to find jobs in media (he's a film student, just graduated), and how we both hope the American economy gets better. He's loyal to the Crown, but wants the U.S. to succeed and pick itself up. I comment how I'd love to travel across the pond and visit his country. In July, of course. He laughs. My kind of bloke.
9:15ishPM- Intermission ends. The tangerine-dishrag man sits on his seat and extends his legs, backing into my seat to the point that he might as well be sitting on my lap. I politely ask him to scoot forward. He moves an eighth of an inch forward. I'd punch him in the mouth, but that would make him worth my anger. The Brit graciously offers me some of his leg room and moves his chair to his right.
9:17PM- BxB Hulk and SHINGO beat Kevin Steen and El Generico- Another match featuring wrestlers from Dragon Gate. I don't know why, but a lot of Japanese wrestlers like to incorporate English or some form of it into their wrestling names. That being said, I have no idea what a BxB Hulk is. I imagine that it is under 6 feet tall, is muscular, and has the best red Marge Simpson mullet I've ever seen. I imagine that because that was what was in front of me. SHINGO (it has be spelled in all caps for emphasis I suppose) looks like a regular Japanese wrestler. El Generico, a crowd favorite, is a white skinny guy in a luchadore (Mexcian wrestler) mask and loves to scream "Ole!" during his matches. Kevin Steen is the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man with the speed of Lance Armstrong. Fun match with Steen doing a moonsault (a backflip from the top rope) and the Japanese team getting the victory. Great match with fans chanting "OLE-OLE-OLE-OLAYYYYYY---OLAYYYYY---OLAYYYY!" like at a soccer match during the contest.
9:34PM- ROH Champion Nigel McGuinness beat Austin Aries to retain the ROH title- Great mat wrestling and hard hits. Aries did a few high flying moves from the the top rope and did some stiff knees to the head of Nigel. 2/3rds of the crowd chanted, "LET'S-GO-AUSTIN" while the Brit, the rest of the crowd, and myself yelled, "LET'S-GO-NIGEL" in a chant exchange. There were many false finishes that had the crowd buying into the match and locked into it. No one was at the bathroom, merch table, or concessions. Nigel hit a lariat on Aries so hard that everyone in the building heard the crack. I honestly thought Aries injured his jaw. Nigel got the pin which made my Englishman friend happy since Nigel is a fellow countryman.
Age of the Fall comes out and wants Austin to join them. He accepts. Then Tammy Sytch, formerly Sunny in WWF, comes out to try to change Austin's mind. Doesn't work. AOTF try to beat down Tammy and the Briscoes come out to the rescue. Meh. I'm not going to see the rematch, so I don't care.
10:04PM- The Muscle Outlaws defeated CIMA, Dragon Kid, and Ryo Saito- Holy crap. All these guys are from Dragon Gate and man did they steal the show. I think they did every single move ever in pro wrestling...then invented nine more during the match. There were so many spots in which I thought, "Well, that's gonna end the match" and I was totally wrong. The fans were really into it, counting along with the refree throughout the contest. When the match ended, the fans and I chanted, "ARI-GATO!" which means "Thank you" in Japanese and "PLEASE COME BACK!" while all six men bowed and said thanks.
10:43PM- Shows over and we start to move toward the exits. The Brit and I shake hands. It occurs to the both of us that we didn't introduce ourselves. I state my name was Erik. His is Ed. Huh. English Ed. I tell him to enjoy the rest of his time in the States and to have fun at Wrestlemania (he has floor seats, the lucky limey). He says that he will and wishes me well. I said, "Cheers" and he responded in kind. I walked over to my car at the "lot" and find it to be unguarded. I had too much fun to care and no one did anything to my vehicle, so I drove home.
11:48PM- The usually 15 minute drive took me almost an hour. I watched a little bit of my Chikara DVD and went to sleep.
Sunday, March 30, 2008- WRESTLEMANIA XXIV
12:15PM- I leave my home on the quest to find good parking at Amway Arena to take the free shuttle to the Citrus Bowl. I pass the parking area twice and was guided by a Parking Rep to go to Lot 1. Lot 1? Sounds good and close. Too bad that Lot 1 was full. And was for handicapped parking only. So I paid my five bucks and went to nearest garage. I had to drive all the way to the top floor. I think if I stood on my tippy toes, I could have touched the sun. I proceeded to the shuttle and arrived at the Citrus Bowl.
1:18PM- I'm outside the Citrus Bowl knawing on an overpriced burger and chicken fingers. I should have known that there weren't any real restaurants near the Bowl. Ah well. I get the full experience this way. I walk around the Bowl and there are fans EVERYWHERE. In a gated area, there was a live band and various stands advertising local media outlets and businesses abound. There was fan trivia and merch tables galore. There were fans interacting, talking, yelling, debating, young ones cheering for John Cena, old ones talking about the hey-day of Ric Flair, snooty ones stating that independent wrestling is better, college-educated ones talking about how wrestling is the last surviving art of vaudeville and theater-of-the-round, hillbillies who can't separate fantasy from reality are polishing off beer number 16 and discussing on how Hulkamania changed their lives, and confused girlfriends wondering how the hell did their boyfriends convince them to come to such a place. It was part Wrestling Convention/part Wrestling Woodstock. These people are mutants, but dammit, they are MY MUTANTS! I enter the mass and join with my people.
1:49PM- I find out the doors don't open until 4:30PM, so I walk about and head to the merch table. I got a few t-shirts like this, this, and this. I went to a separate stand and got some binoculars just in case. There was nothing wrestling related on the box or at the stand, but when I opened it up the Wrestlemania logo was pasted on them. Destiny is weird.
2:14PM- I walked around and TNA, a rival wrestling promotion that tapes it's nationally aired TV show here in Orlando, had a huge video wall just outside Citrus Bowl property advertising for its upoming pay-per-view, Lockdown. There were members of TNA's street team passing out flyers advertising for the event and it's program on Spike TV. It is stuff like this that will prevent WWE from doing Wrestlemania from Orlando in the near future.
2:32PM- I sit in the shade of an awning, reading, and sipping a beer. I'm seated next to three guys from Portland, OR that are stoked about the event. We discuss what matches to we are looking forward to, predictions, and whatnot. Nice guys. They had to leave in order to get a buddy that was having trouble finding parking. We exchanged goodbyes and nice-meeting-yous.
2:56PM- After a little bit of reading, I decided to walk around a little more. I got another beer. Believe it or not, it was one of the cheaper concessions at the event. I spoke to an older guy, who has been following Ric Flair's career for almost 20 years. He stated that "this generation sucks" and the new fans "need to learn their history." I'd be hardpressed to disagree, but not as harshly as he proclaimed. Then a few feet away, I looked to my right and saw him. Tangerine-Dishrag Man. He tried to catch my gaze, but I dashed before I could be turned into stone.
3:15PM- I stand in line to use the port-a-potty. Three guys dressed up like HHH, Shawn Michaels, and the Undertaker walk around and pose for pictures. The costumes are awesome. Even wearing 6 inch lifts in his shoes, "Undertaker" was still under 6 feet tall. I tried to take a photo of them with my camera phone. Then I realized my camera phone sucks. A New Yorker and I chat while in line. We discuss how some guys try to break into this industry when, with all due to respect to their hard work and their dreams, they have no business trying. The New Yorker is apparently friends with two local wrestling promoters/trainers and how they turn down a bunch of guys who are too unathletic (skinny or obese) or have too little charisma to make it. I stated that I concur with his statements, but proclaimed that if they want to achieve their dream, go for it...but don't expect any financial success. I also told him of my experience in wrestling school in Cincinnati and how I left the school because a) most of the students there were morbidly obese or made out of plastic straws, so I knew the instructor was just taking their money, b) the guy wasn't sure how to critique my bumping (taking falls), and c) most of the wrestling he was teaching was for lighter guys under 6 feet tall because he was under 6 feet tall. I'm sorry, but a guy my size isn't going to do arm drags or headscissors. He agreed with my accessment (he apparently heard of the school I was at) and told me that I had a good look for wrestling so I might have a shot once I get back into it. I said thanks, used the facilities, bumped knuckles with New Yorker, and we told each other to enjoy the show.
4:18PM- I wait in line (again with the lines, I HAVE TICKETS ALREADY!) to get into the Bowl. I call Ed Stewart and give him some details, telling him that I talked to guys from England, New York, Portland, and that I saw a few Japanese guys walking around speaking in their native tongue. After stating this, the man to my left told me he came from Scotland in an accent so thick that it had to be real. After jawing with Ed, I talked to two guys from Chicago who bought tickets from a scalper and were drinking 40s that they got from a gas station. I should have thought of getting food from there. That being said, I got a third beer.
4:30PM- We are let in. The mob goes nuts and heads to concessions for $6 funnelcakes and $8 slices of pizza the size of a Ritz cracker. I get to my seat. Not a bad view. The wrestlers are about the size of action figures. I use my binoculars to properly adjust them to view the ring. Then I thought, you know, if I use the binoculars I can only see part of the ring up close in shaky vision. Besides, if I wanted to watch it from that perspective, I'd watch it on TV. Also, if something happens and I can't see, there is a giant screen hanging above the ring that I can watch from. I then put my binolculars in my pocket to save for other events. Seated to my right is a 7 year old kid with his two guardians. We actually conversed and I asked him stuff like, "Who's your favorite wrestler, who do you want to win, is this your first live event, etc.?" Cool kid. To my left are a Hispanic couple who speak en espanol, however we had friendly banter in English. In front of me, to my left was a young couple from Texas. I ask the pretty lady if she actually liked this or if her boyfriend dragged her here. She responded that she grew to like wrestling and actually purchased the tickets as Christmas gift for her boyfriend. I immediately asked if she had a sister who was single. No luck. She asked if the boy to my right was my son. I responded with a quick, matter-of-fact, "Oh, hell no. Oh, dear Lord, no." She laughed. The boy laughed. I walked to get an overpriced burger.
5:17PM- I get my final beer of the day and wait in line for a burger. The guy on my right nudged me and HOLY CRAP! It's my British buddy, English Ed! Out of the 74,000+ people and seemingly dozens of food stands we bump into each other! We exchanged greetings, spoke a little, and told each other to enjoy the show, especially since he got great seats towards ringside. "Cheers, Erik." Cheerio, Ed. Cheerio.
6:30PM- The pre-show has started and the three seats in front of me are vacant. The little kid and I plan on moving forward and upgrading ourselves if no one shows up when real show starts. The Wrestlemania pre-show featured a 24 man battle royal (since this is the 24th Wrestlemania) with the winner facing ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero for the ECW title later on in the night. It was quite short, only going five minutes. The kid was cheering for almost everybody which is fine and I encourage that at a wrestling show. The problem was that since he is 7 and his testicles have yet to descend, he has a high pitched shrill. I think I lost a third of my hearing in my right ear due to a shriek of "COME ON, TOMMY DREAMER!!!!" Afterward, the guardians apparently noticed my plight and graciously asked their boy to sit in-between them. I thanked them and told them if he needed to use my binoculars, that he is more than welcome to them. Kane won, so he'll face Chavo later in the show.
7:00PM- Wrestlemania XXIV begins! John Legend is introduced and sings "America the Beautiful." Too many fans stand up and don't know that this is not the national anthem. John Legend is a good singer. I ain't buying an album though. It starts to sprinkle. I'm too excited to care. Fireworks shot off into the open air. A plane with a banner stating WOOO!!! GO TO MEN'S FANTASY! flew around throughout the night. At this point, I didn't look at my watch, so no more estimated times.
JBL beats Findlay in a Belfast Brawl- A good ol' fight to open stuff up. Fans loved Hornswoggle. I was in the lowest upper deck and I could hear the sound of trash cans hitting skulls. I heard the crunch of man being tossed into a table in the turnbuckle. JBL clotheslined the snot out of Findlay for the pin.
Kim Kardashian ("star" of the "hit reality show," Meet the Kardashians) talked about Money in the Bank Ladder match. Mr. Kennedy yelled his name near her face. Glorious.
CM Punk wins the Money in the Bank ladder match- Chris Jericho's entrance was huge! Man, the pyro was awesome but afterward I thought I was inhaling a sparkler. It was huge with the video wall imprinting huge letters saying, SAVE_US Y2J. I yelled out "We're saved!!!," much to the laughter and appreciation of those around me. I love watching ladder matches on TV. Watching it live, however, I thought that I was doing something illegal like attending a cock fight. Good Lord. These guys took tumbles from such a height...man, watching it live...you know I can't find words. There was a huge see-saw spot in the ring in which everyone got smacked around and guys lept from top rope onto ladders and...man, I just can't fathom it. Matt Hardy came out and the whole Citrus Bowl expoded with chants of "HARDY! HARDY! HARDY!" Punk eventually got up and grabbed the briefcase. Huh. Pleasant surprise. The seats in front of me are filled by four little 9 year olds...but there were only three seats available...and their female guardian was hanging out on the aisleway watching them. Hmm.
The WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2008 were introduced. Mae Young got the biggest reaction and is still feisty at the age of 85. Then a skit involving Snoop Dog, Santino Marella, and Festus aired. It got some good laughs.
Batista beat Umaga- The crowd loved Batista's entrance...and that's it. The crowd was quiet mostly until Batista did a powerbomb to win it. The sprinkles stopped. It was windy the rest of the show.
Kane beat Chavo Guerrero for the ECW Championship- Chavo was introduced first and then Kane's entrance music and pyro fired off. Flames surrounded the front of the stage and with the video wall showing burning buildings with red lights and hues. I was no longer at the Citrus Bowl. I was in the bowels of Hell. Kane came at Chavo from behind, chokeslammed him, and pinned him. The total match time was less than 30 seconds. Rip off, but still I like the fact Kane is champ now.
Raven Simone, of television's The Cosby Show and That's So Raven, came out to discuss her and WWE's partnership with the Make A Wish Foundation. The cameramen showed all the Make-A-Wish kids that attended the event. Good stuff.
Shawn Michaels pinned Ric Flair, retiring him.- This was the match I was looking forward to the most. Michaels came up to a mix of cheers and boos from the crowd. Then Ric Flair emerged from the curtain. Everyone was standing. Flair arrived in probably the best feathered robe in the history of ever. The best way to describe it is with the message I texted my friend Tommy: "Behold, the Blue Rooster of Hope." These guys had a great match. Men chanted Flair's name over and over. Towards the end, the camera zoomed in on Michaels' face as he mouthed, "I'm sorry. I love you." and zoomed out to see Michaels kick the hell out of Ric's jaw and pin him. In slow motion replay, you can see legitimate impact. Afterward, Michaels hugged Ric, left the ring quickly, without time for fanfare. I led my section in a chant of "THANK YOU, RIC!" and others started similar chants in other sections. The cameras zoomed in on Flair's face, sobbing. I looked around and saw grown men, women, and kids cry. I got a little choked up as well. Just before I wrote this, I read a report stating that Flair outright refused to go on last at the show because he did not want to overshadow any of the title matches or any of the younger guys. A class act. Long Live The Nature Boy.
There's a promo with Edge. The fans yelled BOOOOOOO. Mission accomplished.
WWE Women's Champion Beth Phoenix & Melina defeated Maria & Ashley Massaro in a Bunnymania Match featuring Snoop Dogg as guest ring announcer- Security comes by and tells the woman in aisle that she cannot stay stand there and watch the show. She explains how she has a ticket but it's far away from where the kids she is accompanying are sitting. I smell scalper. After a long debate, we in the section tell the security person that she is literally watching the kids and not the show so we aren't bothered. The security guys turns a blind eye to the situation and we proceed to watch the "match." The little boys in front of me were excited to see the ladies. I proceeded to comment that the boys had no idea what they were excited about. The crowd around me seemed to echo the statement. The wrestling sucked. Man, it was awful. In the middle of the match, the power went out in the stadium and damage control began. The back-up generator kicked in and all the spotlights were focused on the ring. The match had a mercy killing, ending around 5 minutes. The only cool part was when Snoop Dogg beat up oafish wrestler, Santino Marella, who had accompanied the evil team in the match. Another security guy spoke to the woman on the aisle causing friction among the security staff. Ultimately, the woman remained unmoved. The Texan couple proceeded to walk up and get some refreshments. The lady on the aisle proceeded to sit in their seats knowing that they would be back. That pissed me off. I didn't say anything because I didn't want the kids to be kicked out of a cool wrestling show because their guardian is an irresponsible jerkbag.
Randy Orton defeated John Cena & Triple H to retain the WWE Championship in a Triple Threat Match- John Cena entered with a marching band playing his theme. That's kinda cool. HHH had a sweet entrance involving pyro shooting off, encircling the bowl. The power was back on in full force. The crowd seemed primarily split between HHH and John Cena with a few Orton fans shouting out. The Texans came back in the middle of the match and jerkbag thankfully went back to the aisle without incident. The match was pretty fun to watch with the villain Orton stealing a win after HHH hit Cena with a pedigree. The Hispanic guy, the Texan, and I were all okay with that because that meant Cena wasn't the champ.
Floyd Mayweather defeated Big Show- This match was okay. The entrances went too long and the crowd was very pro-Big Show. That's bad because Big Show was supposed to be the bad guy in this match. This was the best boxer vs. wrestler match ever...which doesn't say anything since all previous boxer vs. wrestler matches sucked. A wrestler can't box and a boxer can't wrestle. That being said, the two guys did fairly well. Mayweather sold his moves very well and there was copious amounts of interference from Mayweather's posse. It took over 7 people, a steel chair, and brass knuckles for Floyd Mayweather to beat Show. The crowd booed Floyd which apparently shocked WWE matchmakers. Seriously guys. I don't care that Floyd was the David in this David vs. Goliath recreation. If David had seven big guys, a trident, and had God punch Goliath to beat him, we'd side with the giant, too. Afterward, jerkbag told the boys that they had to leave, just before the main event. I feel bad for the kids. Then after they left, I upgraded, sitting in their former seats for the main event.
Undertaker beat Edge for World Heavyweight Championship- Undertaker had a great entrance. It was eerie, creepy, and had lightning and pyro. It was a grand experience. Then a handful of people started to leave in order to beat traffic. Their loss. These guys had a great match with many false finishes. When Undertaker finally made Edge submit, the crowd went nuts. The Undertaker's entrance theme with the "BONG" bell ringing and fireworks shooting into the sky and down toward the ring made for a grand finale...except that some fireworks went off incorrectly on one row, burning 35 people (as of this writing no serious injuries or burns are reported). A great show, great experience.
I then walked over to the shuttle passing several guys selling bootleg t-shirts. I saw that one bootlegger had t-shirts that said "WrestleMadness." I shook my head because he had no idea why no one was buying them. When I got to the shuttle, I had a conversation with three other Floridians expressing our thoughts on the show. We got off the shuttle, said our goodbyes, and went to the parking garage. The elevator was packed. I took the stairs. I climbed to the top floor. It was then I was aware of one of two possibilities. My car was either stolen or I was at the wrong garage. Some expletives, a flight of stairs downward, a walk across the street, and a flight of stairs upward later, I was finally at my car. I drove home and went to bed, knowing that I had one of the best times I've ever experienced. Now, as I sit here sipping coffee from the mug that Ric Flair drank from, I want to say thanks to all the people that helped make this weekend fun, were with me in spirit, and I wish all of you a good day.
Friday, March 28, 2008
3:39AM- I wake for my last day of work until Tuesday. I have my hair cut, my beard trimmed, and the rest of my face shaven. I brush, floss, and Listerine like I usually do, but I do the routine twicefold. After all, I have to be presentable when I meet Ric Flair.
8: 09AM- It is reported by the weatherman (or meteorologist if you want to technical about it) that Ric Flair's limo just got into the parking lot. The anchors are surprised that he would arrive in a limo. I shake my head at them. Before Ric's arrival into the studio, all the techs bet on how many people would be in his entourage aside from Flair himself. Rollen, my supervisor, bets 5. Scott, the male anchor, thinks he's coming alone. I suggest three. After all, Flair needs three men to have his Four Horsemen.
8:15AM- Flair and his men walk into the studio during the live broadcast. He has three gentlemen in suits with him. Called it. Flair sits down on a padded chair and the PA brings coffee in a CW mug. I ended up getting that mug (IT WAS WASHED, DON'T WORRY). For further details on this encounter, read my Relflections on Ric Flair blog.
3:20PM- After a nice lunch at BD's Mongolian BBQ (one of the best restaurants ever), my weekend starts at the cinema for Run, Fatboy, Run. It's no Hot Fuzz, but it was a solid comedy. I look forward to buying it on DVD used at my local MovieStop two years from now.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
6:18PM- I arrive at the Ring of Honor's Supercard of Honor III show being held at the local rec center. This is Ring of Honor's second show ever in Florida, the first one being the night before. I park in a dirt lot, giving a strange man $5 to park there. I ask if the lot was going to be guarded. He said yes and I'd have to present my ticket stub in order to gain access. I park and the man asks me to move closer to the other car. I explain to him that a) I'm not 2D and cannot shimmy through the cars when I open the door and b) I'd take you more seriously if you actually had a paved lot with lines and not a dirt pile with uneven terrain. He couldn't argue against that, so I got my space to breathe and proceeded to the rec center.
6:31PM- I wait in line to get in. I already have tickets but there is still a line? WTF? At the entranceway, I see a wheelchair-bound man with a beard and rags asking for change and cracking jokes. He was entertaining and I was inspired that a man that was that down on his luck would be so jovial. Then the heavyset woman in front of me explained that he was a local indy wrestler and that was his gimmick; he wasn't really homeless or crippled. Now, I can somewhat understand if this was a comedy skit for some candid-camera-esque show, but how are you going to get a gimmick like that over with the crowd as a wrestler when your character CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO THE RING. There was also a real person in a wheelchair, so this had to be a real smack in the mouth to him. This, along with being scrawny as hell, is why you'll never make it past indy level, buddy.
6:46PM- I'm inside, make a beeline to the restroom, then head to the merchandise table. I got this t-shirt, an action figure, a DVD featuring Samoa Joe vs. Kenta Kobashi in one of the most brutal matches not involving blood, and a Best of Chikara DVD for a great deal. What's Chikara? Imagine if Monty Python, a comedy on Telemundo, and a Japanese game show merged together and had a wrestling show. Those are my kind of people.
7:06PM- I sit in my chair on the floor. Great view. On my left is a morbidly obese gentleman who is covering up his bodily odor with Aqua Velva. It's not working. In front of my me is an even more obese gentleman who smells like moldy tangerines and a festering washrag. I politely try to make conversation with both gentlemen to try to overlook the odors and make friends. They both snub me. So that's why they smell: they're assholes!
7:21PM- Nine minutes until bell-time and the guy who is seated at my right sits down. I ask him if he knew what the card was. In a polite British accent, the guy stated he didn't know. We hit it off and, as if I were an ambassador to the U.S., welcomed him to the States. He stated that he just got off the plane and beelined here for the show. At last minute, he decided to fly down here for the weekend for this show and Wrestlemania the following night since buttons are worth more than the American dollar nowadays. We then proceeded to yell and chant for the show to begin.
7:30PM- Go Shiozaki beat Delirious- This was a fun comedy match. Delirious' character is a masked wrestler that's a little crazy and his catchphrase is simply saying, "BAHHH!" loudly. Go is an import from Dragon Gate, a wrestling promotion in Japan. Fans were all chanting, "GO! GO! GO!" while Delirious fans shouted, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" This reminds me why I love going to indy wrestling shows. Go wins with a brainbuster-esque move. This is gonna be a fun show.
7:44PM- YRR defeated D.I.N.G.O.- A person pushing another person in a wheelchair tries to find their seats. My British buddy and I move our chairs to let them through. The fat a-holes don't. Seriously, guys. The Brit and I have no idea who any of these wrestlers are except one guy on D.I.N.G.O. is Luke from the old WWF tag team, The Bushwackers. He does the trademark Bushwacker wavy-arms walk and licks the faces of nearby fans. I'm not making this up. It was short and fun, but these a-holes are pissing me off.
7:56PM- The No Remorse Corps retained the ROH tag titles against The Vulture Squad. Lots of flying, lots of near falls, and the crowd was buzzing. Larry Sweeney, my new wrestling hero, entertains the crowd, tossing business cards at us for his Sweet and Sour Inc. stable and management team. He calls out NRC leader Roderick Strong and asks him to join his group. He declines which causes Erick Stevens to come out and brawl with him.
8:09PM- Erick Stevens vs. Roderick Strong in a no-contest- Good lord. Guys, I know that you are building up a PPV match, but geez. Both men chopped each other on the chest so hard that not only did the sick cracks vibrate in the building but BOTH MEN'S CHESTS WERE BLEEDING. No fake blood (which doesn't actually exist in pro wrestling) or using a razorblade to make cuts. Legit, hardway blood. They both did blade (cutting themselves at the top the skull to let blood cover their faces) after exchanging hits to the turnbuckle. They both exchange stiff forearms to the head and neck. The Brit and I remark on how we can hear the smacks of flesh. The finale was Strong hitting Stevens with an unprotected chairshot to the skull. Stevens is an idiot or wants a two year career if he agrees to do that. The sound resonates to the point in that the crowd quiets down in shock. Then some of the crowd chants, "HOLY SHIT." The villain Strong beckons his NRC to come to ring and shave off Stevens' mohawk in the middle of the ring. Stevens, you better hope that your PPV match draws a lot of money to justify killing your braincells and losing your hairstyle. The Brit and I both remark on how it was cool to watch, but grossly unnecessary to enhance both men's careers.
8:27PM-Age of the Fall beats The Briscoe Brothers- The Briscoes are good ol' boys who love to fly. Age of the Fall are emo kids trying to change the world. Let the ideologies clash. These guys fought in the crowd most of the match, which sucks since most of the time you can't see what's going on. Jay Briscoe suplexed Tyler Black into our section, chairs flying about, and brawling everywhere. The seating chart is now worthless. On the other side of the building, Jay Briscoe jumps off the top of the bleachers through a table when his opponent moves out of the way. The Brit stands on his chair and gives me play by play. I'm too large to stand on my chair without breaking it and killing myself. Good crowd interaction along with a great finish.
8:42PM- Intermission- The Brit and I don't want to pay $6 for a crappy burger and $1 for a can of soda, so we sit and talk about politics, the greatness and crappiness of Guy Richie, our struggles to find jobs in media (he's a film student, just graduated), and how we both hope the American economy gets better. He's loyal to the Crown, but wants the U.S. to succeed and pick itself up. I comment how I'd love to travel across the pond and visit his country. In July, of course. He laughs. My kind of bloke.
9:15ishPM- Intermission ends. The tangerine-dishrag man sits on his seat and extends his legs, backing into my seat to the point that he might as well be sitting on my lap. I politely ask him to scoot forward. He moves an eighth of an inch forward. I'd punch him in the mouth, but that would make him worth my anger. The Brit graciously offers me some of his leg room and moves his chair to his right.
9:17PM- BxB Hulk and SHINGO beat Kevin Steen and El Generico- Another match featuring wrestlers from Dragon Gate. I don't know why, but a lot of Japanese wrestlers like to incorporate English or some form of it into their wrestling names. That being said, I have no idea what a BxB Hulk is. I imagine that it is under 6 feet tall, is muscular, and has the best red Marge Simpson mullet I've ever seen. I imagine that because that was what was in front of me. SHINGO (it has be spelled in all caps for emphasis I suppose) looks like a regular Japanese wrestler. El Generico, a crowd favorite, is a white skinny guy in a luchadore (Mexcian wrestler) mask and loves to scream "Ole!" during his matches. Kevin Steen is the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man with the speed of Lance Armstrong. Fun match with Steen doing a moonsault (a backflip from the top rope) and the Japanese team getting the victory. Great match with fans chanting "OLE-OLE-OLE-OLAYYYYYY---OLAYYYYY---OLAYYYY!" like at a soccer match during the contest.
9:34PM- ROH Champion Nigel McGuinness beat Austin Aries to retain the ROH title- Great mat wrestling and hard hits. Aries did a few high flying moves from the the top rope and did some stiff knees to the head of Nigel. 2/3rds of the crowd chanted, "LET'S-GO-AUSTIN" while the Brit, the rest of the crowd, and myself yelled, "LET'S-GO-NIGEL" in a chant exchange. There were many false finishes that had the crowd buying into the match and locked into it. No one was at the bathroom, merch table, or concessions. Nigel hit a lariat on Aries so hard that everyone in the building heard the crack. I honestly thought Aries injured his jaw. Nigel got the pin which made my Englishman friend happy since Nigel is a fellow countryman.
Age of the Fall comes out and wants Austin to join them. He accepts. Then Tammy Sytch, formerly Sunny in WWF, comes out to try to change Austin's mind. Doesn't work. AOTF try to beat down Tammy and the Briscoes come out to the rescue. Meh. I'm not going to see the rematch, so I don't care.
10:04PM- The Muscle Outlaws defeated CIMA, Dragon Kid, and Ryo Saito- Holy crap. All these guys are from Dragon Gate and man did they steal the show. I think they did every single move ever in pro wrestling...then invented nine more during the match. There were so many spots in which I thought, "Well, that's gonna end the match" and I was totally wrong. The fans were really into it, counting along with the refree throughout the contest. When the match ended, the fans and I chanted, "ARI-GATO!" which means "Thank you" in Japanese and "PLEASE COME BACK!" while all six men bowed and said thanks.
10:43PM- Shows over and we start to move toward the exits. The Brit and I shake hands. It occurs to the both of us that we didn't introduce ourselves. I state my name was Erik. His is Ed. Huh. English Ed. I tell him to enjoy the rest of his time in the States and to have fun at Wrestlemania (he has floor seats, the lucky limey). He says that he will and wishes me well. I said, "Cheers" and he responded in kind. I walked over to my car at the "lot" and find it to be unguarded. I had too much fun to care and no one did anything to my vehicle, so I drove home.
11:48PM- The usually 15 minute drive took me almost an hour. I watched a little bit of my Chikara DVD and went to sleep.
Sunday, March 30, 2008- WRESTLEMANIA XXIV
12:15PM- I leave my home on the quest to find good parking at Amway Arena to take the free shuttle to the Citrus Bowl. I pass the parking area twice and was guided by a Parking Rep to go to Lot 1. Lot 1? Sounds good and close. Too bad that Lot 1 was full. And was for handicapped parking only. So I paid my five bucks and went to nearest garage. I had to drive all the way to the top floor. I think if I stood on my tippy toes, I could have touched the sun. I proceeded to the shuttle and arrived at the Citrus Bowl.
1:18PM- I'm outside the Citrus Bowl knawing on an overpriced burger and chicken fingers. I should have known that there weren't any real restaurants near the Bowl. Ah well. I get the full experience this way. I walk around the Bowl and there are fans EVERYWHERE. In a gated area, there was a live band and various stands advertising local media outlets and businesses abound. There was fan trivia and merch tables galore. There were fans interacting, talking, yelling, debating, young ones cheering for John Cena, old ones talking about the hey-day of Ric Flair, snooty ones stating that independent wrestling is better, college-educated ones talking about how wrestling is the last surviving art of vaudeville and theater-of-the-round, hillbillies who can't separate fantasy from reality are polishing off beer number 16 and discussing on how Hulkamania changed their lives, and confused girlfriends wondering how the hell did their boyfriends convince them to come to such a place. It was part Wrestling Convention/part Wrestling Woodstock. These people are mutants, but dammit, they are MY MUTANTS! I enter the mass and join with my people.
1:49PM- I find out the doors don't open until 4:30PM, so I walk about and head to the merch table. I got a few t-shirts like this, this, and this. I went to a separate stand and got some binoculars just in case. There was nothing wrestling related on the box or at the stand, but when I opened it up the Wrestlemania logo was pasted on them. Destiny is weird.
2:14PM- I walked around and TNA, a rival wrestling promotion that tapes it's nationally aired TV show here in Orlando, had a huge video wall just outside Citrus Bowl property advertising for its upoming pay-per-view, Lockdown. There were members of TNA's street team passing out flyers advertising for the event and it's program on Spike TV. It is stuff like this that will prevent WWE from doing Wrestlemania from Orlando in the near future.
2:32PM- I sit in the shade of an awning, reading, and sipping a beer. I'm seated next to three guys from Portland, OR that are stoked about the event. We discuss what matches to we are looking forward to, predictions, and whatnot. Nice guys. They had to leave in order to get a buddy that was having trouble finding parking. We exchanged goodbyes and nice-meeting-yous.
2:56PM- After a little bit of reading, I decided to walk around a little more. I got another beer. Believe it or not, it was one of the cheaper concessions at the event. I spoke to an older guy, who has been following Ric Flair's career for almost 20 years. He stated that "this generation sucks" and the new fans "need to learn their history." I'd be hardpressed to disagree, but not as harshly as he proclaimed. Then a few feet away, I looked to my right and saw him. Tangerine-Dishrag Man. He tried to catch my gaze, but I dashed before I could be turned into stone.
3:15PM- I stand in line to use the port-a-potty. Three guys dressed up like HHH, Shawn Michaels, and the Undertaker walk around and pose for pictures. The costumes are awesome. Even wearing 6 inch lifts in his shoes, "Undertaker" was still under 6 feet tall. I tried to take a photo of them with my camera phone. Then I realized my camera phone sucks. A New Yorker and I chat while in line. We discuss how some guys try to break into this industry when, with all due to respect to their hard work and their dreams, they have no business trying. The New Yorker is apparently friends with two local wrestling promoters/trainers and how they turn down a bunch of guys who are too unathletic (skinny or obese) or have too little charisma to make it. I stated that I concur with his statements, but proclaimed that if they want to achieve their dream, go for it...but don't expect any financial success. I also told him of my experience in wrestling school in Cincinnati and how I left the school because a) most of the students there were morbidly obese or made out of plastic straws, so I knew the instructor was just taking their money, b) the guy wasn't sure how to critique my bumping (taking falls), and c) most of the wrestling he was teaching was for lighter guys under 6 feet tall because he was under 6 feet tall. I'm sorry, but a guy my size isn't going to do arm drags or headscissors. He agreed with my accessment (he apparently heard of the school I was at) and told me that I had a good look for wrestling so I might have a shot once I get back into it. I said thanks, used the facilities, bumped knuckles with New Yorker, and we told each other to enjoy the show.
4:18PM- I wait in line (again with the lines, I HAVE TICKETS ALREADY!) to get into the Bowl. I call Ed Stewart and give him some details, telling him that I talked to guys from England, New York, Portland, and that I saw a few Japanese guys walking around speaking in their native tongue. After stating this, the man to my left told me he came from Scotland in an accent so thick that it had to be real. After jawing with Ed, I talked to two guys from Chicago who bought tickets from a scalper and were drinking 40s that they got from a gas station. I should have thought of getting food from there. That being said, I got a third beer.
4:30PM- We are let in. The mob goes nuts and heads to concessions for $6 funnelcakes and $8 slices of pizza the size of a Ritz cracker. I get to my seat. Not a bad view. The wrestlers are about the size of action figures. I use my binoculars to properly adjust them to view the ring. Then I thought, you know, if I use the binoculars I can only see part of the ring up close in shaky vision. Besides, if I wanted to watch it from that perspective, I'd watch it on TV. Also, if something happens and I can't see, there is a giant screen hanging above the ring that I can watch from. I then put my binolculars in my pocket to save for other events. Seated to my right is a 7 year old kid with his two guardians. We actually conversed and I asked him stuff like, "Who's your favorite wrestler, who do you want to win, is this your first live event, etc.?" Cool kid. To my left are a Hispanic couple who speak en espanol, however we had friendly banter in English. In front of me, to my left was a young couple from Texas. I ask the pretty lady if she actually liked this or if her boyfriend dragged her here. She responded that she grew to like wrestling and actually purchased the tickets as Christmas gift for her boyfriend. I immediately asked if she had a sister who was single. No luck. She asked if the boy to my right was my son. I responded with a quick, matter-of-fact, "Oh, hell no. Oh, dear Lord, no." She laughed. The boy laughed. I walked to get an overpriced burger.
5:17PM- I get my final beer of the day and wait in line for a burger. The guy on my right nudged me and HOLY CRAP! It's my British buddy, English Ed! Out of the 74,000+ people and seemingly dozens of food stands we bump into each other! We exchanged greetings, spoke a little, and told each other to enjoy the show, especially since he got great seats towards ringside. "Cheers, Erik." Cheerio, Ed. Cheerio.
6:30PM- The pre-show has started and the three seats in front of me are vacant. The little kid and I plan on moving forward and upgrading ourselves if no one shows up when real show starts. The Wrestlemania pre-show featured a 24 man battle royal (since this is the 24th Wrestlemania) with the winner facing ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero for the ECW title later on in the night. It was quite short, only going five minutes. The kid was cheering for almost everybody which is fine and I encourage that at a wrestling show. The problem was that since he is 7 and his testicles have yet to descend, he has a high pitched shrill. I think I lost a third of my hearing in my right ear due to a shriek of "COME ON, TOMMY DREAMER!!!!" Afterward, the guardians apparently noticed my plight and graciously asked their boy to sit in-between them. I thanked them and told them if he needed to use my binoculars, that he is more than welcome to them. Kane won, so he'll face Chavo later in the show.
7:00PM- Wrestlemania XXIV begins! John Legend is introduced and sings "America the Beautiful." Too many fans stand up and don't know that this is not the national anthem. John Legend is a good singer. I ain't buying an album though. It starts to sprinkle. I'm too excited to care. Fireworks shot off into the open air. A plane with a banner stating WOOO!!! GO TO MEN'S FANTASY! flew around throughout the night. At this point, I didn't look at my watch, so no more estimated times.
JBL beats Findlay in a Belfast Brawl- A good ol' fight to open stuff up. Fans loved Hornswoggle. I was in the lowest upper deck and I could hear the sound of trash cans hitting skulls. I heard the crunch of man being tossed into a table in the turnbuckle. JBL clotheslined the snot out of Findlay for the pin.
Kim Kardashian ("star" of the "hit reality show," Meet the Kardashians) talked about Money in the Bank Ladder match. Mr. Kennedy yelled his name near her face. Glorious.
CM Punk wins the Money in the Bank ladder match- Chris Jericho's entrance was huge! Man, the pyro was awesome but afterward I thought I was inhaling a sparkler. It was huge with the video wall imprinting huge letters saying, SAVE_US Y2J. I yelled out "We're saved!!!," much to the laughter and appreciation of those around me. I love watching ladder matches on TV. Watching it live, however, I thought that I was doing something illegal like attending a cock fight. Good Lord. These guys took tumbles from such a height...man, watching it live...you know I can't find words. There was a huge see-saw spot in the ring in which everyone got smacked around and guys lept from top rope onto ladders and...man, I just can't fathom it. Matt Hardy came out and the whole Citrus Bowl expoded with chants of "HARDY! HARDY! HARDY!" Punk eventually got up and grabbed the briefcase. Huh. Pleasant surprise. The seats in front of me are filled by four little 9 year olds...but there were only three seats available...and their female guardian was hanging out on the aisleway watching them. Hmm.
The WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2008 were introduced. Mae Young got the biggest reaction and is still feisty at the age of 85. Then a skit involving Snoop Dog, Santino Marella, and Festus aired. It got some good laughs.
Batista beat Umaga- The crowd loved Batista's entrance...and that's it. The crowd was quiet mostly until Batista did a powerbomb to win it. The sprinkles stopped. It was windy the rest of the show.
Kane beat Chavo Guerrero for the ECW Championship- Chavo was introduced first and then Kane's entrance music and pyro fired off. Flames surrounded the front of the stage and with the video wall showing burning buildings with red lights and hues. I was no longer at the Citrus Bowl. I was in the bowels of Hell. Kane came at Chavo from behind, chokeslammed him, and pinned him. The total match time was less than 30 seconds. Rip off, but still I like the fact Kane is champ now.
Raven Simone, of television's The Cosby Show and That's So Raven, came out to discuss her and WWE's partnership with the Make A Wish Foundation. The cameramen showed all the Make-A-Wish kids that attended the event. Good stuff.
Shawn Michaels pinned Ric Flair, retiring him.- This was the match I was looking forward to the most. Michaels came up to a mix of cheers and boos from the crowd. Then Ric Flair emerged from the curtain. Everyone was standing. Flair arrived in probably the best feathered robe in the history of ever. The best way to describe it is with the message I texted my friend Tommy: "Behold, the Blue Rooster of Hope." These guys had a great match. Men chanted Flair's name over and over. Towards the end, the camera zoomed in on Michaels' face as he mouthed, "I'm sorry. I love you." and zoomed out to see Michaels kick the hell out of Ric's jaw and pin him. In slow motion replay, you can see legitimate impact. Afterward, Michaels hugged Ric, left the ring quickly, without time for fanfare. I led my section in a chant of "THANK YOU, RIC!" and others started similar chants in other sections. The cameras zoomed in on Flair's face, sobbing. I looked around and saw grown men, women, and kids cry. I got a little choked up as well. Just before I wrote this, I read a report stating that Flair outright refused to go on last at the show because he did not want to overshadow any of the title matches or any of the younger guys. A class act. Long Live The Nature Boy.
There's a promo with Edge. The fans yelled BOOOOOOO. Mission accomplished.
WWE Women's Champion Beth Phoenix & Melina defeated Maria & Ashley Massaro in a Bunnymania Match featuring Snoop Dogg as guest ring announcer- Security comes by and tells the woman in aisle that she cannot stay stand there and watch the show. She explains how she has a ticket but it's far away from where the kids she is accompanying are sitting. I smell scalper. After a long debate, we in the section tell the security person that she is literally watching the kids and not the show so we aren't bothered. The security guys turns a blind eye to the situation and we proceed to watch the "match." The little boys in front of me were excited to see the ladies. I proceeded to comment that the boys had no idea what they were excited about. The crowd around me seemed to echo the statement. The wrestling sucked. Man, it was awful. In the middle of the match, the power went out in the stadium and damage control began. The back-up generator kicked in and all the spotlights were focused on the ring. The match had a mercy killing, ending around 5 minutes. The only cool part was when Snoop Dogg beat up oafish wrestler, Santino Marella, who had accompanied the evil team in the match. Another security guy spoke to the woman on the aisle causing friction among the security staff. Ultimately, the woman remained unmoved. The Texan couple proceeded to walk up and get some refreshments. The lady on the aisle proceeded to sit in their seats knowing that they would be back. That pissed me off. I didn't say anything because I didn't want the kids to be kicked out of a cool wrestling show because their guardian is an irresponsible jerkbag.
Randy Orton defeated John Cena & Triple H to retain the WWE Championship in a Triple Threat Match- John Cena entered with a marching band playing his theme. That's kinda cool. HHH had a sweet entrance involving pyro shooting off, encircling the bowl. The power was back on in full force. The crowd seemed primarily split between HHH and John Cena with a few Orton fans shouting out. The Texans came back in the middle of the match and jerkbag thankfully went back to the aisle without incident. The match was pretty fun to watch with the villain Orton stealing a win after HHH hit Cena with a pedigree. The Hispanic guy, the Texan, and I were all okay with that because that meant Cena wasn't the champ.
Floyd Mayweather defeated Big Show- This match was okay. The entrances went too long and the crowd was very pro-Big Show. That's bad because Big Show was supposed to be the bad guy in this match. This was the best boxer vs. wrestler match ever...which doesn't say anything since all previous boxer vs. wrestler matches sucked. A wrestler can't box and a boxer can't wrestle. That being said, the two guys did fairly well. Mayweather sold his moves very well and there was copious amounts of interference from Mayweather's posse. It took over 7 people, a steel chair, and brass knuckles for Floyd Mayweather to beat Show. The crowd booed Floyd which apparently shocked WWE matchmakers. Seriously guys. I don't care that Floyd was the David in this David vs. Goliath recreation. If David had seven big guys, a trident, and had God punch Goliath to beat him, we'd side with the giant, too. Afterward, jerkbag told the boys that they had to leave, just before the main event. I feel bad for the kids. Then after they left, I upgraded, sitting in their former seats for the main event.
Undertaker beat Edge for World Heavyweight Championship- Undertaker had a great entrance. It was eerie, creepy, and had lightning and pyro. It was a grand experience. Then a handful of people started to leave in order to beat traffic. Their loss. These guys had a great match with many false finishes. When Undertaker finally made Edge submit, the crowd went nuts. The Undertaker's entrance theme with the "BONG" bell ringing and fireworks shooting into the sky and down toward the ring made for a grand finale...except that some fireworks went off incorrectly on one row, burning 35 people (as of this writing no serious injuries or burns are reported). A great show, great experience.
I then walked over to the shuttle passing several guys selling bootleg t-shirts. I saw that one bootlegger had t-shirts that said "WrestleMadness." I shook my head because he had no idea why no one was buying them. When I got to the shuttle, I had a conversation with three other Floridians expressing our thoughts on the show. We got off the shuttle, said our goodbyes, and went to the parking garage. The elevator was packed. I took the stairs. I climbed to the top floor. It was then I was aware of one of two possibilities. My car was either stolen or I was at the wrong garage. Some expletives, a flight of stairs downward, a walk across the street, and a flight of stairs upward later, I was finally at my car. I drove home and went to bed, knowing that I had one of the best times I've ever experienced. Now, as I sit here sipping coffee from the mug that Ric Flair drank from, I want to say thanks to all the people that helped make this weekend fun, were with me in spirit, and I wish all of you a good day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)