Okay, I swear I'll do some regular, non-wrestling blogs coming up, but those of you that know me know that I had to do it. Everyone has a favorite match on each show. So here it is:
Barnes' Favorite Match from Each Wrestlemania
WM I- Hulk Hogan and Mr. T vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper and Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff- The first Wrestlemania was known mostly for its celebrity involvement than in-ring action. What do you expect with such pop culture icons like Mr. T, Liberace, and Cyndi Lauper hanging around? The crowd dug the main event because they loved Hulk, hated Hot Rod, and were intrigued at B.A. Baracus making an in-ring debut.
WM II- WWF Tag Team Championship Match: British Bulldogs vs. Dream Team- One of the greatest tag teams in the '80's finally got it's due beating the "dream" tandem of Greg "The Hammer" Valentine and Brutus Beefcake. It's hard to find a bad Bulldog match due to the power wrestling of Davey Boy Smith and the then-unique flying style of the Dynamite Kid and this match stuck out in an otherwise mediocre wrestling card.
WM III- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat- This match has been hailed by many as the best match WWF/WWE ever had and is studied by would-be wrestlers. Great wrestling and great build-up to a satisfying end of Steamboat winning the title and avenging his "life-threatening injury" caused by the hands of the evil Macho Man caused many to consider this match the standard in wrestling.
WM IV- Ravishing Rick Rude vs. Jake "The Snake" Roberts- The fourth Wrestlemania was a show-long tournament for the vacant WWF title with many short matches. Rude and Roberts was great little fight that had vendetta involved and was a battle of awesome mustaches. Both men worked the crowd to enjoying this match despite the conclusion: a time limit draw.
WM V- WWF Title Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Macho Man Randy Savage- The Mega Powers explode! Savage's unfounded jealousy of his valet, Miss Elizabeth, paying attention to Hogan caused a rift between them. One time friends, Hulk and Macho feud over WWF title with Elizabeth in a neutral corner and were able to get the crowd going, leading to another Hogan WWF title reign.
WM VI- Title for Title: WWF Champion Hulk Hogan vs. Intercontinental Champion The Ultimate Warrior- This match was one of the first moment in which the WWF had two babyfaces (good guys) fight one another. This allowed the fans to pick sides. Who are you with? The Hulkster or the Warrior? This match, while not a mat classic, had the crowds attention and the fan interaction going. This was supposed be Hogan passing the torch to Warrior as the next big thing in wrestling. Things didn't go as planned however.
WM VII- Retirement Match: The Ultimate Warrior vs. Macho King Randy Savage- This match is probably the best in Warrior's career. Savage was a heel (bad guy) during this latest run and the match was exciting, had the crowd engaged, and had Warrior pin Savage cleanly, thus retiring him. This also had a storybook ending with the Savage reuniting with Miss Elizabeth.
WM VIII- Intercontinental Title Match: Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper- This match had great mat wrestling, good psychology, and gave a crowd a memorable finish in Hart pinning Piper cleanly. At this point, Piper had not been pinned in a WWF ring so this gave the young Hart a great push into stardom.
WM IX- Intercontinental Title Match: Tatanka vs. Shawn Michaels- This Wrestlemania is considered the worst Wrestlemania ever and even I have to agree. However, in this stinkfest Michaels and Tatanka presented a quality match. Too bad that this was opening contest and show turned sour afterward.
WM X- Owen Hart vs. Bret Hart- The match between the two brothers was a great way to kick off Wrestlemania's tenth anniversary. Great technical wrestling along with Owen's unexpected upset set up a great feud that lasted the whole summer of 1994 and then some.
WM XI- WWF Title Match: Diesel vs. Shawn Michaels- A weaker Wrestlemania card featured two real life friends duking it out and delivering a great contest. The build toward the match was weak being that the babyface was a giant and the heel was man dwarfed by most of the roster, but the two delivered and made Shawn look like a legitimate threat to the big belt. While Diesel got his hand raised, it would only be a year later when the wrestling landscape changed.
WM XII- 60 Minute Iron Man Match for the WWF Title: Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Shawn Michaels- The main event for this Wrestlemania had little to do with muscles. Hart and Michaels are both considered the best technical wrestlers of all time. Fans would argue over who was more superior a performer than the other. The winner would be the person who had the most pinfalls or decisions within a one hour period. Two lesser competitors would have trouble delivering great action and crowd attention from bell to bell, but both guys delivered. The match went into overtime with Michaels capturing his first World title after both men finished 60 minutes without a decision.
WM XIII- Submission Match: Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin- This was one of the matches that made me want to be a wrestler. The unexpectedly brutal contest was ended when a bloodied Austin passed out while in Hart's Sharpshooter submission hold. At the beginning, the fans cheered for their hero, Hart, but in the end the crowd and cheers belonged to the never-say-die Austin. This was one of the few time in which the hero and villain switched roles mid-match and succeeded.
WM XIV- Undertaker vs. Kane- When two wrestlers over 6'5" and just a hamburger away from 300 lbs. fight each other, it usually ends up being disappointing. Both men are usually lumbering. Both men usually get out of breath and are slow. In their prime, Kane and Undertaker are anything but usual. I proclaim this to be the best "big man" match ever with consistent quick brawling, power moves, and an occasional top rope move. 'Taker retained his undefeated Wrestlemania winning streak, but fans saw a star being born in Kane as he kicked out of 'Taker's Tombstone piledriver.
WM XV- WWF Title Match: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. The Rock- The two stars of the late 1990's squared off and had the crowd from bell to bell with great psychology, brawling, and charisma. Both men would later state in interviews that they brought out the best in one another and in this match you can see this to be true.
WM 2000- Triple Threat Match for the Intercontinental and European Championships Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho- This was the Wrestlemania debut for all three men. Olympic Champion Angle's lost both his Intercontinental and European titles without even being pinned. With stiff shots, great technical wrestling and non-stop action, this match would be a standard from three-way matches to come with Benoit winning the first fall becoming Intercontinental Champion and Jericho winning the second fall for the European title.
WM XVII- TLC II for the WWF Tag Team Championship- Edge and Christian vs. Hardyz vs. Dudleyz- This was the second Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match featuring all three teams from the first TLC match from the previous summer. This match went all out and had all three teams taking high bumps from the top of the ladders and getting banged up from pillar to post with tables and chairs. While the match was mostly spectacle, the wrestlers were creative using the implements granted to them and once again, stole the show at what many consider to be the best Wrestlemania card ever.
WM XVIII- No Disqualification: Undertaker vs. Ric Flair- In a great wrestling card that featured Triple H vs. Chris Jericho and The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan, why in the world would I pick Undertaker vs. Flair? Flair had been on hiatus and hadn't wrestled in a number of months; many wondering if The Dirtiest Player in the Game still had it. Of course, the Nature Boy did and the Dead Man helped. I picked this match because it was lost in the shuffle with the two main events getting the most press and promotion. Flair showed that he can still captivate a crowd and Taker was able to brush off whatever rust Flair had. Hell, the match had a brief cameo with Arn Anderson running in and doing his patented spinebuster for the first time in years. Taker got the win but fans saw that the Nature Boy was alive and well.
WM XIX- Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho- Jericho was pegged as "the next Shawn Michaels" a few years after his debut. Michaels is promoted as "the legend who can still go." Put the two together, you have a show stealer. The two of them displayed great technical wrestling, high flying moves, and great false finishes. The crowd went wild and gave both men their due after this mat classic.
WM XX- Triple Threat Match for World Heavyweight Championship: Chris Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H- This was and is still the best three way match in WWE. Great in-ring action, consistent and energetic false finishes and the then-feel-good ending of Benoit winning his only WWE World Championship made this a great way to send the crowd home happy with a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately, the real life tragedy of Benoit's double murder-suicide has overshadowed and tainted this moment, but looking at the match as a stand-alone it still holds up.
WM XXI- Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels- Michaels and Angle stole the show with Michaels' showmanship and Angle's great technical skill. Both men pulled out all the stops and presented the best match on the card. This match would allow for quality rematches throughout the rest of the year with both men ending up on an equal playing field.
WM XXII- Hardcore Match: Edge vs. Mick Foley- Most hardcore or garbage matches nowadays trade psychology, storytelling, and time for crowd reaction for bloody, high risk spots. This match reminded wrestlers how hardcore matches should be done. The bloody spots mattered, the weapons were milked to their fullest, and the match told a great story of a hard-fought battle. This match cemented Edge as a main event star and Foley got his "Wrestlemania moment" when Edge speared him through a flaming table for the pin.
WM XXIII- World Heavyweight Title Match: Undertaker vs. Batista- Okay, I'm flip-flopping. Taker vs. Big Dave could be considered the best big man match ever. Taker delivered as he usually does and Batista proved to his critics that he can have an exciting 20 minute contest and not rely solely on power moves and brawling. Both men felt cheated that they were asked to do this match in the middle of the card so they retaliated by having the best match on the card. This one was incredibly tough to follow. Kudos to you both. Oh, and Undertaker won.
WM XXIV- ?????- I don't know which match will be the best on this card. The Money in the Bank Ladder Match never disappoints and Edge vs. Undertaker for the World title might be the darkhorse candidate. I personally look forward to Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels the most because can't seem to have a bad match and Flair is rumored to be retiring after this show, so both men want to give The Nature Boy a great send off. I guess I'll have to wait a week to find out in person.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 5)
Now, let me set the record straight: I want to be a wrestler. I really do. I really want to complete training to be given the title of "professional wrestler." Now, the question remains, do I want professional wrestling as a career. That answer is sticky. For now, the answer is no. I do want to put myself in a position in which I have to wrestle for money as opposed to getting to wrestle for money. Notice the difference? It's not that I don't think I have what it takes, but I have other dreams/interests I wish to pursue, on top of the fact that it is incredibly hard to have a family (a someday dream) while being a wrestler full time. There is no Social Security, no health benefits, your job is on the line constantly, your career can end at any moment due to injury, and there are huge long term health risks. At the same time, I am willing to put my complete safety on the line to achieve this goal I've set for myself when I was 10 years old.
However, I want to wrestle on my terms. There are many aspects in the wrestling industry that I don't like/wouldn't do. That's another thing that prevents careers: having principals. This includes sex related storylines or religous gimmicks that I wouldn't be comfortable doing. Then there is the in-ring action, which I have compiled a list. Here are:
Crazy Stuff That I Would Require Large Sums of Money/Never Do When/If I Become a Pro Wrestler
10. Ladder Match- Now, I love to watch a ladder match. When done correctly, a ladder match can steal any show. The basics of the ladder match are simple: A title belt or wanted object is hung high above the ring and the competitors have to climb a ladder to retrieve it. Whoever gets the item and pulls it down, wins. There is high chance of injury, wacky bumps (falls), and you need to trust your opponent to protect you. I'd be willing to do a ladder match, but I'd have to be paid at least $10,000. Here are the obvious risks in motion.
9. Legitimate Headbutts- I would never do a legitmate, stiff headbutt. There are already so many risks of concussions in wrestling that there is no reason to willingly kill the braincells of your opponent or yourself.
8. Wrestle Sabu- Sabu is dubbed as "suicidal, homocidal, and genocidal" and "The Human Highlight Reel." Now, while I as a fan enjoy his daredevil moves, he constantly botches them and does very little to protect his opponent. Many have complained about wrestling Sabu because he is sloppy and hurts his opponents legitmately when he screws up. I'd take a risk to wrestle him, but it'd have to be in the high hundreds since A) he's a big name and B) in case I have hospital bills later. At worst he hurts himself but he can also hurt himself and his opponent.
7. Florescent Bulbs- There is no art in breaking a florescent bulb on a person. It's dangerous and uncontrolled because of flying glass shards and inhaling the fumes that are emitted when broken. It scars your head or back and is used for cheap reactions by hacks in the ring. I have nothing against "hardcore" or "garbage" wrestling, but I can't recall anyone reacting to a broken bulb more than a nice, controlled, protected chairshot. It's overused and overrated. Not worth it. Here two idiots bloody themselves in front of an outdoor crowd that probably didn't even pay to watch them.
6. Take a Piledriver/Powerbomb from Someone Weighing Less than Me- Piledrivers and Powerbombs are usually reserved for the bigger guys that are over 6'3" and over 260 lbs. However, more and more I see lighter guys perform these moves. I have no problem using these moves on guys in your weight class, but I see men perform these moves on men significantly larger than they are. This is asinine. Piledrivers and powerbombs are risky enough even when performed correctly. I have seen too many guys dropped on their necks and head due to botched piledrivers and powerbombs. Here's the Big Show nearly getting killed.. Here is Steve Austin talking about the piledriver that ruined his life.
5. Do a Shooting Star Press- A Shooting Star Press is a move usually reserved for lighter guys, but many wrestlers of many sizes try to perform it and either a) land incorrectly on their opponent injuring their face or chest or b) land right on their neck. Ask Brock Lesnar. I think the move needs to be outlawed. The risk is high and the reward is too low. The crowd used to love the move due to the risk and it's uniqueness. It is no longer unique therefore it gets a lesser crowd reaction therefore you risked your health on a move that today gets as big of a reaction as a safe, textbook figure four leglock.
4. Unprotected Chairshot to the Head- Unprotected chairshots are dumb. Sure they make wrestling "realistic," but everyone knows it's fixed so there is no reason to not raise your hand up to protect your head. It makes the same noise as an unprotected chair shot and there is little chance of killing braincells. I don't know about you, but I don't want to kill my brain. People speculate that one of the possible reasons Chris Benoit snapped and killed his family was due to the trauma on his brain that stems from unnecessary moves like taking a chairshot full force to the head without protecting yourself. Here's Brock with another idiot move.
3. Scaffold Match- I hate scaffold matches. They suck. The rules of the scaffold match are simple. The wrestlers are on a scaffold high above the ring. The winner is the wrestler who causes his opponent to fall from the scaffold down to the ring. First off, the scaffold is so wobbly that the wrestlers don't do a lot of moves. In fact, all they do is punch. Boring. Secondly, the drop is so high and dangerous. How is it different than a ladder match? The wrestlers can actually excite a crowd during a ladder match and do a lot of moves ON THE GROUND. Scaffold matches that last more than 3 minutes get "boring" chants and the only way to save the match is to take the big plunge. Then everyone forgets about you when the next match starts. Congrats, you risked your life to a cheap crowd reaction then total apathy afterward. Note how quiet and bored the crowd is before the fall and how quickly it dissipates after the fall.
2. Chairshot to the Back of the Head- There is no reason to agree to this except to be a complete dumbass. There is no way to protect yourself, the back of the head is the most vulnerable spot on the skull, and it sends trauma to the base of the neck This fool doesn't like memories.. It also gets as much of a reaction as a regular chairshot or better yet a chairshot across the back (which is much safer, see? ).
1. Wrestle New Jack- I would never, ever agree to wrestle New Jack. He is too hostile, he doesn't work with his opponents, and frequently goes to business for himself. He is way too nuts, even for a wrestler. The man has four justifiable homocides. He legitamitely injures people and often carves his opponents with various implements. He doesn't even wrestle well, he just uses random stuff to hit his opponent with. He is purely an attraction for violence and no other entertainment value. Whether he is "living his gimmick" (being his character in the real world in order to make outsiders believe his personality) or not, the violence he commits is real. It's not worth it being a rag doll for him. Here's the sadist in action.
Next blog, my favorite match from each Wrestlemania.
However, I want to wrestle on my terms. There are many aspects in the wrestling industry that I don't like/wouldn't do. That's another thing that prevents careers: having principals. This includes sex related storylines or religous gimmicks that I wouldn't be comfortable doing. Then there is the in-ring action, which I have compiled a list. Here are:
Crazy Stuff That I Would Require Large Sums of Money/Never Do When/If I Become a Pro Wrestler
10. Ladder Match- Now, I love to watch a ladder match. When done correctly, a ladder match can steal any show. The basics of the ladder match are simple: A title belt or wanted object is hung high above the ring and the competitors have to climb a ladder to retrieve it. Whoever gets the item and pulls it down, wins. There is high chance of injury, wacky bumps (falls), and you need to trust your opponent to protect you. I'd be willing to do a ladder match, but I'd have to be paid at least $10,000. Here are the obvious risks in motion.
9. Legitimate Headbutts- I would never do a legitmate, stiff headbutt. There are already so many risks of concussions in wrestling that there is no reason to willingly kill the braincells of your opponent or yourself.
8. Wrestle Sabu- Sabu is dubbed as "suicidal, homocidal, and genocidal" and "The Human Highlight Reel." Now, while I as a fan enjoy his daredevil moves, he constantly botches them and does very little to protect his opponent. Many have complained about wrestling Sabu because he is sloppy and hurts his opponents legitmately when he screws up. I'd take a risk to wrestle him, but it'd have to be in the high hundreds since A) he's a big name and B) in case I have hospital bills later. At worst he hurts himself but he can also hurt himself and his opponent.
7. Florescent Bulbs- There is no art in breaking a florescent bulb on a person. It's dangerous and uncontrolled because of flying glass shards and inhaling the fumes that are emitted when broken. It scars your head or back and is used for cheap reactions by hacks in the ring. I have nothing against "hardcore" or "garbage" wrestling, but I can't recall anyone reacting to a broken bulb more than a nice, controlled, protected chairshot. It's overused and overrated. Not worth it. Here two idiots bloody themselves in front of an outdoor crowd that probably didn't even pay to watch them.
6. Take a Piledriver/Powerbomb from Someone Weighing Less than Me- Piledrivers and Powerbombs are usually reserved for the bigger guys that are over 6'3" and over 260 lbs. However, more and more I see lighter guys perform these moves. I have no problem using these moves on guys in your weight class, but I see men perform these moves on men significantly larger than they are. This is asinine. Piledrivers and powerbombs are risky enough even when performed correctly. I have seen too many guys dropped on their necks and head due to botched piledrivers and powerbombs. Here's the Big Show nearly getting killed.. Here is Steve Austin talking about the piledriver that ruined his life.
5. Do a Shooting Star Press- A Shooting Star Press is a move usually reserved for lighter guys, but many wrestlers of many sizes try to perform it and either a) land incorrectly on their opponent injuring their face or chest or b) land right on their neck. Ask Brock Lesnar. I think the move needs to be outlawed. The risk is high and the reward is too low. The crowd used to love the move due to the risk and it's uniqueness. It is no longer unique therefore it gets a lesser crowd reaction therefore you risked your health on a move that today gets as big of a reaction as a safe, textbook figure four leglock.
4. Unprotected Chairshot to the Head- Unprotected chairshots are dumb. Sure they make wrestling "realistic," but everyone knows it's fixed so there is no reason to not raise your hand up to protect your head. It makes the same noise as an unprotected chair shot and there is little chance of killing braincells. I don't know about you, but I don't want to kill my brain. People speculate that one of the possible reasons Chris Benoit snapped and killed his family was due to the trauma on his brain that stems from unnecessary moves like taking a chairshot full force to the head without protecting yourself. Here's Brock with another idiot move.
3. Scaffold Match- I hate scaffold matches. They suck. The rules of the scaffold match are simple. The wrestlers are on a scaffold high above the ring. The winner is the wrestler who causes his opponent to fall from the scaffold down to the ring. First off, the scaffold is so wobbly that the wrestlers don't do a lot of moves. In fact, all they do is punch. Boring. Secondly, the drop is so high and dangerous. How is it different than a ladder match? The wrestlers can actually excite a crowd during a ladder match and do a lot of moves ON THE GROUND. Scaffold matches that last more than 3 minutes get "boring" chants and the only way to save the match is to take the big plunge. Then everyone forgets about you when the next match starts. Congrats, you risked your life to a cheap crowd reaction then total apathy afterward. Note how quiet and bored the crowd is before the fall and how quickly it dissipates after the fall.
2. Chairshot to the Back of the Head- There is no reason to agree to this except to be a complete dumbass. There is no way to protect yourself, the back of the head is the most vulnerable spot on the skull, and it sends trauma to the base of the neck This fool doesn't like memories.. It also gets as much of a reaction as a regular chairshot or better yet a chairshot across the back (which is much safer, see? ).
1. Wrestle New Jack- I would never, ever agree to wrestle New Jack. He is too hostile, he doesn't work with his opponents, and frequently goes to business for himself. He is way too nuts, even for a wrestler. The man has four justifiable homocides. He legitamitely injures people and often carves his opponents with various implements. He doesn't even wrestle well, he just uses random stuff to hit his opponent with. He is purely an attraction for violence and no other entertainment value. Whether he is "living his gimmick" (being his character in the real world in order to make outsiders believe his personality) or not, the violence he commits is real. It's not worth it being a rag doll for him. Here's the sadist in action.
Next blog, my favorite match from each Wrestlemania.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Single? Let Me Tell You About My Friend, Shannon...
My friend, Shannon, stated in her blog that she looked around at Match.com. She expressed embarrassment and also stated that she doesn't know what to put in her profile. I think I can help.
As an aside, there is no shame in Match.com in my opinion. I've been on a few dates that I just wanted to leave in the middle of the meal/coffee/whatever because I really didn't feel connected in any way with the person. I wanted to leave in the middle of the conversation and say "No offense, but let's not kid ourselves," get the rest of my meal to-go, sit at home in my gym shorts and watch wrestling. However, this is socially unacceptable so I suffer through the "date." Match.com and it's brethren, while milking you out of money, tends to avoid the "getting-to-know-you" stuff.
Now, Shannon, about your profile.
*Ahem* "Shannon is rude and foulmouthed, but is kind, thoughtful, and gives a great hug. Shannon will tell you to go fuck yourself, but you deserve it when you hear it. Shannon is a girl that your mom would like but also a girl that your buddies will invite to drink beer and watch UFC. Shannon would rather watch Goonies than The Devil Wears Prada. She is funny and not a bullshit Sarah Silverman-say-racist-shit-in-a-cute-way or Janene Garofalo-push-political-views-without-actually-making-a-joke funny, real humor. Like Lewis Black with boobs. She is feminine, soft, and likes to be held, but will not hesitate to kick your ass if necessary. She doesn't care what season you are wearing. She is smart and will see through your dumbassery. She is a woman, not a girl.
I hope I helped out, Shannon. If I did, you're welcome. If not, then I at least had an entertaining blog.
As an aside, there is no shame in Match.com in my opinion. I've been on a few dates that I just wanted to leave in the middle of the meal/coffee/whatever because I really didn't feel connected in any way with the person. I wanted to leave in the middle of the conversation and say "No offense, but let's not kid ourselves," get the rest of my meal to-go, sit at home in my gym shorts and watch wrestling. However, this is socially unacceptable so I suffer through the "date." Match.com and it's brethren, while milking you out of money, tends to avoid the "getting-to-know-you" stuff.
Now, Shannon, about your profile.
*Ahem* "Shannon is rude and foulmouthed, but is kind, thoughtful, and gives a great hug. Shannon will tell you to go fuck yourself, but you deserve it when you hear it. Shannon is a girl that your mom would like but also a girl that your buddies will invite to drink beer and watch UFC. Shannon would rather watch Goonies than The Devil Wears Prada. She is funny and not a bullshit Sarah Silverman-say-racist-shit-in-a-cute-way or Janene Garofalo-push-political-views-without-actually-making-a-joke funny, real humor. Like Lewis Black with boobs. She is feminine, soft, and likes to be held, but will not hesitate to kick your ass if necessary. She doesn't care what season you are wearing. She is smart and will see through your dumbassery. She is a woman, not a girl.
I hope I helped out, Shannon. If I did, you're welcome. If not, then I at least had an entertaining blog.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
My Funeral
You can't attend your own funeral...we'll at least not as a sentient, flesh being. However, one can plan his/her own funeral via a will, final wishes, etc. I don't know why, but this thought occurred to me and I wanted to publicly plan my own funeral. Mind you, these ideas will change over time because peoples' preferences change over time. However, if I would to die this year, 2008,I want the following to happen at my funeral.
First off, I'm dead. I don't need to be comfortable. So if anyone in my family buys a casket that isn't a cardboard box or giant envelope, smack them in the face and make them return it. While I do not believe in Valhalla, I would either like to have a funeral in which my body is on a mini-barge and lit on fire while being cast into a body of water. No possessions though, I don't need them. If that body of water leads to a waterfall, that would be awesome.
I don't want my body dressed in a tux or a suit. I've always hated wearing those. I'm dead, I don't have any reason to impress anybody. Put me in a one of my pop culture, cartoon t-shirts, khaki cargo shorts, and sneakers. Don't shave my face, I've always had a beard or stubble, so I don't see a reason for that to change. Instead of the warrior tradition of the body holding a sword or axe to his chest, give me a steel chair which is the ideal pro wrestling weapon.
If this is too much for my family to do, then I'll do the Hunter S. Thomspon rip-off. That is having my body cremated and inserted into fireworks shot into the sky at my funeral.
As for the service, I don't want some random reverend to run the service. Give me the Colonel. No churches. Let the service take place at a comedy club. NO HYMNS. I never did care for most of them. Tommy Stewart will be in charge of the music playing whatever he wants. Yes, that also includes metal. If my body is not cremated and is open casket (or envelope), I request someone to write a word balloon propped up next to my carcass that says, "Welcome to my Goodbye Party! Don't cry, I'm fine. Have some fun!"
Carcass shown or not, let everyone who wants to bring photos, bring them. I only request that Eric Lawshe draws a picture of me punching a full grown grizzly bear in the face while I'm smiling and giving a thumbs up. I would like an ice cream truck, chocolate chip cookies, and a waterslide (snowfort, in case of winter) provided for the children who are attending this funeral with their parents. Kids are always bored or creeped out at these things, so they have some fun provided. I will allow the living to nominate who to do the eulogy. Good candidates would be Scott Braithwaite, Dan Kauffman, or Rich Maskiell. I also want Ed Stewart to do a speech. He's good at that.
I'd like Lindsey Thompson, Rachael Heald, Sarah Fuerbacher, and Kathy Sand to sing "Rainbow Connection" ala The Muppet Movie. I also want any of my other friends who are musically inclined and gifted, to sing and play whatever they want. I have never been blessed with the gift of music so I cherish hearing those who I care about display their talents. No U2, though, please. If others want to, share a Bible passage that they like. I also want my goddaugther, Stacy Braithwaite, to say or sing whatever she wants into the microphone for 3 minutes. That is unless she is busy eating cookies, ice cream, or on the waterslide...or in the snowfort beaning some kid with a snowball.
That is when the dodgeball game will commence. The two Team Captains will be Chad Fuerbacher and Paul Kesig. After teams are decided, the game will commence. Once finished, the losing team will one by one mention a short story regarding me or, if they can't think of one/don't want to, their favorite scene in a movie. The winning team will one by one describe me in one word or if they can't think of one/don't want to, state their favorite food. It's ridiculous, but it's a dead man's wish, dammit.
Then light my body or the fireworks.
After that, go to a park or a person's house for pizza, hamburgers, and a chocolate cake that says "Barnes says "Thanks, good journey, and I'll see you on the other side." written in frosting. Those that want to, drink the beer chosen by Matt Hill, Big D, and Matt VanDoren. If you don't want beer, then drink any beverages provided/created by the team of Mel Brisky, Stephanie Burdette, Sarah Pumphrey, and Matt Estes. Then everyone can go home and live their lives to the fullest, as I have intended to do with mine.
That's it. You are all my witnesses, so if I kick the bucket you have to make it happen!
First off, I'm dead. I don't need to be comfortable. So if anyone in my family buys a casket that isn't a cardboard box or giant envelope, smack them in the face and make them return it. While I do not believe in Valhalla, I would either like to have a funeral in which my body is on a mini-barge and lit on fire while being cast into a body of water. No possessions though, I don't need them. If that body of water leads to a waterfall, that would be awesome.
I don't want my body dressed in a tux or a suit. I've always hated wearing those. I'm dead, I don't have any reason to impress anybody. Put me in a one of my pop culture, cartoon t-shirts, khaki cargo shorts, and sneakers. Don't shave my face, I've always had a beard or stubble, so I don't see a reason for that to change. Instead of the warrior tradition of the body holding a sword or axe to his chest, give me a steel chair which is the ideal pro wrestling weapon.
If this is too much for my family to do, then I'll do the Hunter S. Thomspon rip-off. That is having my body cremated and inserted into fireworks shot into the sky at my funeral.
As for the service, I don't want some random reverend to run the service. Give me the Colonel. No churches. Let the service take place at a comedy club. NO HYMNS. I never did care for most of them. Tommy Stewart will be in charge of the music playing whatever he wants. Yes, that also includes metal. If my body is not cremated and is open casket (or envelope), I request someone to write a word balloon propped up next to my carcass that says, "Welcome to my Goodbye Party! Don't cry, I'm fine. Have some fun!"
Carcass shown or not, let everyone who wants to bring photos, bring them. I only request that Eric Lawshe draws a picture of me punching a full grown grizzly bear in the face while I'm smiling and giving a thumbs up. I would like an ice cream truck, chocolate chip cookies, and a waterslide (snowfort, in case of winter) provided for the children who are attending this funeral with their parents. Kids are always bored or creeped out at these things, so they have some fun provided. I will allow the living to nominate who to do the eulogy. Good candidates would be Scott Braithwaite, Dan Kauffman, or Rich Maskiell. I also want Ed Stewart to do a speech. He's good at that.
I'd like Lindsey Thompson, Rachael Heald, Sarah Fuerbacher, and Kathy Sand to sing "Rainbow Connection" ala The Muppet Movie. I also want any of my other friends who are musically inclined and gifted, to sing and play whatever they want. I have never been blessed with the gift of music so I cherish hearing those who I care about display their talents. No U2, though, please. If others want to, share a Bible passage that they like. I also want my goddaugther, Stacy Braithwaite, to say or sing whatever she wants into the microphone for 3 minutes. That is unless she is busy eating cookies, ice cream, or on the waterslide...or in the snowfort beaning some kid with a snowball.
That is when the dodgeball game will commence. The two Team Captains will be Chad Fuerbacher and Paul Kesig. After teams are decided, the game will commence. Once finished, the losing team will one by one mention a short story regarding me or, if they can't think of one/don't want to, their favorite scene in a movie. The winning team will one by one describe me in one word or if they can't think of one/don't want to, state their favorite food. It's ridiculous, but it's a dead man's wish, dammit.
Then light my body or the fireworks.
After that, go to a park or a person's house for pizza, hamburgers, and a chocolate cake that says "Barnes says "Thanks, good journey, and I'll see you on the other side." written in frosting. Those that want to, drink the beer chosen by Matt Hill, Big D, and Matt VanDoren. If you don't want beer, then drink any beverages provided/created by the team of Mel Brisky, Stephanie Burdette, Sarah Pumphrey, and Matt Estes. Then everyone can go home and live their lives to the fullest, as I have intended to do with mine.
That's it. You are all my witnesses, so if I kick the bucket you have to make it happen!
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Random Internet Shtuff
Real blog later (yes, involving Wrestlemania/wrestling), but here are some websites to check out.
http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/ - We have all read the Garfield comic strip in our local paper. It can funny sometimes...okay at others...or you are left wondering what the joke was. However, what if Garfield was absent from his own comic strip? Check the link to see the sad, lonely life of Jon Arbuckle.
www.thefullpint.com - Beer reviews for those that love beer! And I'm not talking about that Natural Light crap.
http://www.spacecat.com/bert/bert.htm - Evidence that Bert of Sesame Street may indeed be evil...I knew I couldn't trust those eyebrows.
www.collegeuniv.com - Ah, remember college? Roommates. Exams. Dating. Monkeys in the student body. Your alien pal. Cafes run by kung fu masters. Optimus Prime in charge of campus security. Yeah, college was good times.
www.askaninja.com - Got a question? Is it about ninjas? Yes? Cool. No? Well, whatever it is a ninja can relate anyway. Ask a ninja. Suprisingly helpful, always hilarious, and seriously deadly. Thanks for checking out my blog, I look forward to killing you soon!
http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/ - We have all read the Garfield comic strip in our local paper. It can funny sometimes...okay at others...or you are left wondering what the joke was. However, what if Garfield was absent from his own comic strip? Check the link to see the sad, lonely life of Jon Arbuckle.
www.thefullpint.com - Beer reviews for those that love beer! And I'm not talking about that Natural Light crap.
http://www.spacecat.com/bert/bert.htm - Evidence that Bert of Sesame Street may indeed be evil...I knew I couldn't trust those eyebrows.
www.collegeuniv.com - Ah, remember college? Roommates. Exams. Dating. Monkeys in the student body. Your alien pal. Cafes run by kung fu masters. Optimus Prime in charge of campus security. Yeah, college was good times.
www.askaninja.com - Got a question? Is it about ninjas? Yes? Cool. No? Well, whatever it is a ninja can relate anyway. Ask a ninja. Suprisingly helpful, always hilarious, and seriously deadly. Thanks for checking out my blog, I look forward to killing you soon!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
My Moment with Jerry
In this photo I look like a a hobo, but I'd be damned if I didn't jump at the chance to meet Jerry "The King" Lawler. The King was in the studio today to promote Wrestlemania and the WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony that was coming to Orlando. Raoul, one of the anchors at the TV station, told me that he booked the King with me in mind and that I had to be there. It kinda sucked because I'm sick as a dog and it is my day off, but it was worth it. Both anchors embarrassed me by telling King that I was a huge wrestling fan (which is true) and was in training (sort of true). We shook hands and he gave me some face time, which was very cool for him to do. I explained that I got hosed over in Cincinnati (he shrugged his shoulders with a "yeah, that sucks, dude, it happens too often" way) and one of the reasons I moved down here was because it was a wrestling hotbed. He gave me a few tips, along with telling me to send a tape of my stuff once I get back into it (I explained to him that I'm incredibly green as hell) to Steve Keirn in Tampa. After signing two photos for me (You're welcome, Rich), Raoul took the picture you see above. I left stating that someday, I'll hopefully get to a point in which you'll commentate during one of my matches. He responded with a smile that suggested a weird combination of a) "Heard that before, kid. We'll see."and b) "Good luck and I hope so."
Thanks for the memory, Mr. Lawler.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I think I might have made my first fan.
So I was at the store in the line for the register yesterday and this little dialogue occurred:
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Is that a wrestler?"
(Boy points at Al Snow action figure in my hand)
Me: "Yeah."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Can I see it?"
(I let the kid look at the toy)
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "There are some wrestling magazines here!"
(Kid offers to give me a magazine he got from the stand)
Me: "Thanks, but I don't need any today."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Are you a wrestler?"
Me: "What?"
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Are you a wrestler?"
Me: "Well...not yet...I need to finish training...so someday maybe."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Where do you wrestle?"
Me: "Buddy, I'm sorry but I'm not a wrestler yet. I'm not famous."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Where did you wrestle?"
Me: "Nowhere you would know. I'm not famous, bud."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Where do you want to wrestle?"
Me: "Hopefully WWE."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Which brand? RAW, Smackdown!, or ECW?"
Me: "RAW."
(The Boy ponders)
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Okay. I'll see you."
(Boy runs off)
Huh. Guess I have to whip back into game shape and spend money to have grown men throw me around. After all, I can't disappoint my fan.
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Is that a wrestler?"
(Boy points at Al Snow action figure in my hand)
Me: "Yeah."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Can I see it?"
(I let the kid look at the toy)
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "There are some wrestling magazines here!"
(Kid offers to give me a magazine he got from the stand)
Me: "Thanks, but I don't need any today."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Are you a wrestler?"
Me: "What?"
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Are you a wrestler?"
Me: "Well...not yet...I need to finish training...so someday maybe."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Where do you wrestle?"
Me: "Buddy, I'm sorry but I'm not a wrestler yet. I'm not famous."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Where did you wrestle?"
Me: "Nowhere you would know. I'm not famous, bud."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Where do you want to wrestle?"
Me: "Hopefully WWE."
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Which brand? RAW, Smackdown!, or ECW?"
Me: "RAW."
(The Boy ponders)
Little 10 Year Old Boy: "Okay. I'll see you."
(Boy runs off)
Huh. Guess I have to whip back into game shape and spend money to have grown men throw me around. After all, I can't disappoint my fan.
Monday, February 18, 2008
WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 4)
We now go to the big brand, the favored brand, the brand that has just celebrated 15 years of being on cable: RAW. Make no mistake about it, RAW is WWE's A-show. A show that showcases edgier storylines, edgy characters, and all around great wrestling at it's best. Here are my top favorite wrestlers in the WWE's crowned jewel:
BARNES' TOP TEN FAVORITE RAW WRESTLERS
10. Super Crazy- He’s super. He’s crazy. He’s…well, super crazy. The extreme luchadore is a great flyer and an entertaining personality. He won’t make huge waves here in the U.S. like in his native Mexico, but he’ll please a crowd nonetheless. MUCHO LOCO!
9. Ric Flair- The Nature Boy has been going strong since the 1970’s and still holds the crowd in the palm of his hand. The Dirtiest Player in the Game still can go and pull a strong match out of anybody while entertaining the crowd with his over-the-top antics. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
8. Mr. Kennedy- Kennedy is the future of the industry. He still needs some polishing, but the man can cut good promos and might become a modern hybrid of the Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Time will tell, but for now he’s on the cusp of turning into something special if he continues to learn and allows himself to grow. His name is MISSSTERRRRRRRR KENNEDYYYY...KENNNEDDDY!
7. Umaga- The Samoan Bulldozer is untamed like Haku and the Islanders of old. While like his previous Samoan predecessors he is portrayed as a savage, Umaga is able to wrestle compelling matches while playing the role of a dominating heel character. Fear the man.
6. William Regal- Regal is a seasoned veteran who has been in the wrestling business since working the British carnival circuit when he was 16 years old. Utilizing a catch-European style with hard-hitting chops and strikes make his style unique in the United States. That, along with being able utilize a great comedic wit and willingness to play the pompous fool make Regal a must-have in any promotion. Check out his malicious intent.
5. JBL- The hard-hitting Media Maven has finally gotten some respect after years of being just another wrestling workhorse. His gimmick is such that many of my friends refer to him as “George W. Dibiase” due to his redneck-millionaire persona. JBL’s promos are strong and while his wrestling isn’t flashy, it is smash-mouth. See why he calls himself a "Wrestling God."
4. Jeff Hardy- The Rainbow Haired Warrior wows the crowd with his high-flying style and his charismatic look. Jeff looks like he belongs at a rave, but his breathtaking bumps and ability to play the underdog make him one of the most popular stars in the industry. Please don't die, Jeff.
3. HHH- The Game has been on the top of the WWE for over ten years and with his real life marriage into the McMahon family it doesn’t look like that’ll stop any time soon. Many unfairly accuse HHH’s staying power to nepotism, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. His ability to draw fans as a heel or face and tell a great story inside the ring with almost anyone keep him as a top draw. It's time to play the game.
2. Shawn Michaels- The Heartbreak Kid lives up to his name as the Showstopper by stealing the show every night. I don’t believe HBK can have a bad match…ever. While he does have his favorite moves to use, Shawn can wrestle and cater to any opponent’s style whether his opponent is a brawler, high flyer, or power wrestler. A veteran for over twenty years, Shawn can keep up with quick guys like Rey Mysterio or older vets who need help hiding their flaws like Hulk Hogan. Here is the reason he is the Icon.
1. Chris Jericho - Y2J is charismatic and has been rightfully called the second coming of Shawn Michaels. Jericho can be a face or a heel, violent or technical, undercard or main event. Have a new wrestler who needs a person to make him look good? Get Jericho. Got a big show and need a main eventer to make the fans go home happy? Talk to Chris. Want a wrestler who can connect with the fans? Get Y2J. Would you like fries with that? Check the drive thru. He can be funny, he can play a coward, he can look dangerous, and he has the potential of being called the best ever. Now that he has come back to save us he can return to his roots as the man of the millenium.
Next, best Wrestlemania matches ever!
BARNES' TOP TEN FAVORITE RAW WRESTLERS
10. Super Crazy- He’s super. He’s crazy. He’s…well, super crazy. The extreme luchadore is a great flyer and an entertaining personality. He won’t make huge waves here in the U.S. like in his native Mexico, but he’ll please a crowd nonetheless. MUCHO LOCO!
9. Ric Flair- The Nature Boy has been going strong since the 1970’s and still holds the crowd in the palm of his hand. The Dirtiest Player in the Game still can go and pull a strong match out of anybody while entertaining the crowd with his over-the-top antics. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
8. Mr. Kennedy- Kennedy is the future of the industry. He still needs some polishing, but the man can cut good promos and might become a modern hybrid of the Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Time will tell, but for now he’s on the cusp of turning into something special if he continues to learn and allows himself to grow. His name is MISSSTERRRRRRRR KENNEDYYYY...KENNNEDDDY!
7. Umaga- The Samoan Bulldozer is untamed like Haku and the Islanders of old. While like his previous Samoan predecessors he is portrayed as a savage, Umaga is able to wrestle compelling matches while playing the role of a dominating heel character. Fear the man.
6. William Regal- Regal is a seasoned veteran who has been in the wrestling business since working the British carnival circuit when he was 16 years old. Utilizing a catch-European style with hard-hitting chops and strikes make his style unique in the United States. That, along with being able utilize a great comedic wit and willingness to play the pompous fool make Regal a must-have in any promotion. Check out his malicious intent.
5. JBL- The hard-hitting Media Maven has finally gotten some respect after years of being just another wrestling workhorse. His gimmick is such that many of my friends refer to him as “George W. Dibiase” due to his redneck-millionaire persona. JBL’s promos are strong and while his wrestling isn’t flashy, it is smash-mouth. See why he calls himself a "Wrestling God."
4. Jeff Hardy- The Rainbow Haired Warrior wows the crowd with his high-flying style and his charismatic look. Jeff looks like he belongs at a rave, but his breathtaking bumps and ability to play the underdog make him one of the most popular stars in the industry. Please don't die, Jeff.
3. HHH- The Game has been on the top of the WWE for over ten years and with his real life marriage into the McMahon family it doesn’t look like that’ll stop any time soon. Many unfairly accuse HHH’s staying power to nepotism, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. His ability to draw fans as a heel or face and tell a great story inside the ring with almost anyone keep him as a top draw. It's time to play the game.
2. Shawn Michaels- The Heartbreak Kid lives up to his name as the Showstopper by stealing the show every night. I don’t believe HBK can have a bad match…ever. While he does have his favorite moves to use, Shawn can wrestle and cater to any opponent’s style whether his opponent is a brawler, high flyer, or power wrestler. A veteran for over twenty years, Shawn can keep up with quick guys like Rey Mysterio or older vets who need help hiding their flaws like Hulk Hogan. Here is the reason he is the Icon.
1. Chris Jericho - Y2J is charismatic and has been rightfully called the second coming of Shawn Michaels. Jericho can be a face or a heel, violent or technical, undercard or main event. Have a new wrestler who needs a person to make him look good? Get Jericho. Got a big show and need a main eventer to make the fans go home happy? Talk to Chris. Want a wrestler who can connect with the fans? Get Y2J. Would you like fries with that? Check the drive thru. He can be funny, he can play a coward, he can look dangerous, and he has the potential of being called the best ever. Now that he has come back to save us he can return to his roots as the man of the millenium.
Next, best Wrestlemania matches ever!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 3)
Alright, so last blog I discuss my favorite wrestlers from the WWE's least favorite brand. Now, I cover the "blue brand." Smackdown! as a television program has been on network television on UPN and the new CW network for the past 10 years. It is currently breaking ties with CW to possibly move MyNetworkTV (Yeah, I never heard of them either). Smackdown over the years is a show focused more on a combination of cartoon-esque characters and the in-ring product. For every 15+ minute wrestling contest, there is a wacky, kooky character for the kids to laugh or jeer at. But enough delay, here is:
BARNES' TOP TEN FAVORITE SMACKDOWN! WRESTLERS
10. Jamie Noble- Jamie is a great light-heavyweight that can have a good match with a spoon. This little-red-neck-that-could has proven himself to be a solid wrestler in the ring and a decent personality outside of it. Respect to the little man.
9. Jimmy Wang Yang- Here's where the wacky character/great wrestler combination comes into play. Jimmy Wang Yang is one of the best high flying wrestlers in North America with arguably the best moonsault in WWE. He is also an Asian redneck. Enjoy.
8. Kane- Kane's character backstory and on-air storylines could fill a book. This former masked man/burn victim/pyromaniac/alleged necrophile/Undertaker's brother is one of most agile big men to hit the ring. While most men reaching the 7' mark lumber around, Kane can move as fast, if not faster than a good chunk of NBA centers while outweighing them by almost 50 lbs. Through hellfire and brimstone, he lurks.
7. Batista- The Animal is one of the most jacked-up, musclebound wrestlers in WWE. Hell, he's strong enough to beat Godzilla. While most bodybuilder physiqued wrestlers are rather boring to watch most of the time, Batista is able to work a good match, move quick, and keep the crowds attention with panache and charisma. Here's a synopsis of the Animal's uncaged career.
6. Rey Mysterio- Rey's career is something that will probably never be replicated. At 5'6", Rey is shorter than most of the fans in the audience. Mysterio, however, is one of the best wrestlers in the world; able to implement his speedy, high flying, technico style in matches against wrestlers at any size. Hell, he looks like he belongs in a Street Fighter video game. If you go to a wrestling show and Rey Mysterio is on the card, you my friend, are in for a show. Fly, Rey, fly!
5. MVP- Montel Vontavius Porter, or MVP, is a solid, relatively new worker with the gimmick of wrestling's version of Terrell Owens. An excellent roughneck, scientific style that's been learned and implemented from his previous feud with Chris Benoit before Benoit's destruction along with his natural charisma guarantee that MVP will someday will be given the world title. Here's why he's half man, half amazing.
4. Matt Hardy- Matt Hardy is one of the most underrated wrestlers in WWE. Matt is known mostly from his high flying days as one half of the Hardys with his brother, Jeff, but Matt has shown that he can mat wrestle and can have a good match with anyone. Matt hardly is given a win most of the time, but every time he shows up the fans cheer loud and hard. If Matt keeps putting on good matches and exciting the crowd, management will have no choice but to actually push him to a title. Matt Hardy refuses to die.
3. Findlay- An burly, tough Irishman who loves to fight. Simple. Finlay can wrestle the best of them, but also is one of the most convincing and rough brawlers in wrestling. Utilizing a smash-mouth, strong European style, Finlay loosens teeth and bruises bodies with a gap-toothed smile. Get shillelagh-ed!
2. Edge- The Rated R Superstar and current World Heavyweight Champion can cut a good interview and have a good match with anyone. Mixing technical wrestling, lucha, and dirty tactics make Edge a great wrestler that you love to hate. The opportunist is a popular heel and looks to be at wrestling's top circle for years to come. Take a look at the evolution of Edge.
1. Undertaker- The Phenom has been wrestling as the Undertaker for over seventeen years. SEVENTEEN. Who would have thought that the gimmick of a zombie wrestler would have worked, much less last close to two decades? 'Taker is revered among fans and wrestlers alike for not only being able to move faster and smoother than any guy over 6'9" and over 40 years of age should, along with being able to hold and keep the crowd in his hands from bell to bell. Shoot (non-fabricated, non-story-oriented) interviews with wrestlers who have worked with Undertaker speak of him with respect, awe, and privilege. Undertaker constantly reinvents himself and style to suit the times. In his early career as this character, 'Taker was methodical and wrestled like an unstoppable zombie. Nowadays, Undertaker has added mixed-martial-arts chokes and holds along with more tattoos. I hope that if I am able to become a full-fledged wrestler that I would have the privilege of meeting Mr. Calaway or Undertaker or Mr. Taker or whatever he damn well wants me to call him, I want to shake his hand and say thanks for making me a fan. View his handiwork.
RAW comes later.
BARNES' TOP TEN FAVORITE SMACKDOWN! WRESTLERS
10. Jamie Noble- Jamie is a great light-heavyweight that can have a good match with a spoon. This little-red-neck-that-could has proven himself to be a solid wrestler in the ring and a decent personality outside of it. Respect to the little man.
9. Jimmy Wang Yang- Here's where the wacky character/great wrestler combination comes into play. Jimmy Wang Yang is one of the best high flying wrestlers in North America with arguably the best moonsault in WWE. He is also an Asian redneck. Enjoy.
8. Kane- Kane's character backstory and on-air storylines could fill a book. This former masked man/burn victim/pyromaniac/alleged necrophile/Undertaker's brother is one of most agile big men to hit the ring. While most men reaching the 7' mark lumber around, Kane can move as fast, if not faster than a good chunk of NBA centers while outweighing them by almost 50 lbs. Through hellfire and brimstone, he lurks.
7. Batista- The Animal is one of the most jacked-up, musclebound wrestlers in WWE. Hell, he's strong enough to beat Godzilla. While most bodybuilder physiqued wrestlers are rather boring to watch most of the time, Batista is able to work a good match, move quick, and keep the crowds attention with panache and charisma. Here's a synopsis of the Animal's uncaged career.
6. Rey Mysterio- Rey's career is something that will probably never be replicated. At 5'6", Rey is shorter than most of the fans in the audience. Mysterio, however, is one of the best wrestlers in the world; able to implement his speedy, high flying, technico style in matches against wrestlers at any size. Hell, he looks like he belongs in a Street Fighter video game. If you go to a wrestling show and Rey Mysterio is on the card, you my friend, are in for a show. Fly, Rey, fly!
5. MVP- Montel Vontavius Porter, or MVP, is a solid, relatively new worker with the gimmick of wrestling's version of Terrell Owens. An excellent roughneck, scientific style that's been learned and implemented from his previous feud with Chris Benoit before Benoit's destruction along with his natural charisma guarantee that MVP will someday will be given the world title. Here's why he's half man, half amazing.
4. Matt Hardy- Matt Hardy is one of the most underrated wrestlers in WWE. Matt is known mostly from his high flying days as one half of the Hardys with his brother, Jeff, but Matt has shown that he can mat wrestle and can have a good match with anyone. Matt hardly is given a win most of the time, but every time he shows up the fans cheer loud and hard. If Matt keeps putting on good matches and exciting the crowd, management will have no choice but to actually push him to a title. Matt Hardy refuses to die.
3. Findlay- An burly, tough Irishman who loves to fight. Simple. Finlay can wrestle the best of them, but also is one of the most convincing and rough brawlers in wrestling. Utilizing a smash-mouth, strong European style, Finlay loosens teeth and bruises bodies with a gap-toothed smile. Get shillelagh-ed!
2. Edge- The Rated R Superstar and current World Heavyweight Champion can cut a good interview and have a good match with anyone. Mixing technical wrestling, lucha, and dirty tactics make Edge a great wrestler that you love to hate. The opportunist is a popular heel and looks to be at wrestling's top circle for years to come. Take a look at the evolution of Edge.
1. Undertaker- The Phenom has been wrestling as the Undertaker for over seventeen years. SEVENTEEN. Who would have thought that the gimmick of a zombie wrestler would have worked, much less last close to two decades? 'Taker is revered among fans and wrestlers alike for not only being able to move faster and smoother than any guy over 6'9" and over 40 years of age should, along with being able to hold and keep the crowd in his hands from bell to bell. Shoot (non-fabricated, non-story-oriented) interviews with wrestlers who have worked with Undertaker speak of him with respect, awe, and privilege. Undertaker constantly reinvents himself and style to suit the times. In his early career as this character, 'Taker was methodical and wrestled like an unstoppable zombie. Nowadays, Undertaker has added mixed-martial-arts chokes and holds along with more tattoos. I hope that if I am able to become a full-fledged wrestler that I would have the privilege of meeting Mr. Calaway or Undertaker or Mr. Taker or whatever he damn well wants me to call him, I want to shake his hand and say thanks for making me a fan. View his handiwork.
RAW comes later.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 2)
I'm going to Wrestlemania!!! I say again, I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!! Last blog, I covered my favorite performers that were not involved in WWE, but this time I will cover some the guys who have a chance at performing at Wrestlemania XXIV. I was going to do a regular top ten favorites, but there is a problem...WWE has three brands! Since I am indecisive and I wish to make a long blog, I will give you all my top ten favorite wrestlers in each brand. Now, the good people of World Wrestling Entertainment will state that all of it's brands are equal...bullcrap! They have their favorites, so I'll start this blog off with the red-headed (like me) stepchild (not like me) brand: ECW.
ECW stands for Extreme Championship Wrestling and is not a Vince McMahon (owner and creator of WWE) creation. Cliff Notes version of its history: ECW was originally a small indy fed based in Philadelphia which exploded. They had such a strong following that it expanded to do shows throughout the U.S. and even landed a pay-per-view deal. Many of their wrestlers and basic storyline ideas were taken by WWE and at the time, WCW. However due to poor financial planning, the company folded in 2001. Then something happened. The fans kept chanting the brands name. They bought DVD's of old ECW matches. The fans would not let it die.
So Vince McMahon brought it back...to mixed results. It is not like the ECW of old, but it gives wrestlers another place to practice and showcase their trade, so ultimately I'm all for it. While it isn't the steak that it used to be and is now a Whopper from Burger King, I do have my favorites. Here are my Top Ten Favorite ECW Wrestlers from the current roster:
10. Chavo Guerrero- The current ECW champion is one of the most celebrated cruiserweights today. A strong technical wrestler with some lucha-libre mixed in, Chavo makes his family proud being a third generation star in this industry. Underrated, but undeterred.
9. Colin Delany- Who? Exactly. Colin is pale, scrawny and has yet to perform an effective offensive move. America loves an underdog, so Colin I salute you.
8. Boogeyman- What's that under your bed, crushing a clock against his head? He eats worms and it's true, he's the Boogeyman and he's COMING TO GET YOU!
7. Kofi Kingston- If Rob Van Dam and Eddy Gordo from the TEKKEN video game series had a kid. Kofi is cool and looks like he's got a bright future in the industry. Check it out, mon.
6. Stevie Richards- A wrestler that was from the original ECW, Stevie has had it rough. He's got solid skills, but never gets much of a break but loves the business so much that he's had multiple neck surgeries to stay in the game. It's his wry sense of humor, ability to parody (gotta love the Blue World Order), and all around good stuff that make him a favorite of mine. Hail, Stevie!
5. Elijah Burke- The Silver Tongued Pugilist has great speed, agility, and wrestling ability. Good on the mic and solid in the ring, why is this man not a champion yet is beyond me. His boxing past gives the Paragon of Virtue the ability to give you 4-UP side your head. Don't get hit by the Elijah Express!
4. Balls Mahoney- The Chair Swinging Freak is one of the misfits from the original ECW. Dressed like a fat, homeless metal fan and missing a few teeth, Balls doesn't look like a typical athlete. However, if pressed this man can chain wrestle with the best of them...if that doesn't work, then a chair to the head works just as well. BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!
3. Shelton Benjamin- An All American amateur wrestler, great worker, and probably the most underrated wrestler in the U.S. Shelton has the work ethic and ability to become one of the greats in the industry someday. I hope he'll unlock his full potential. For now, there ain't no stopping him now.
2. Tommy Dreamer- A man that literally broke his back to be in this industry, with a great creative mind and underrated wrestling creditentials. Tommy Dreamer is a man who has a great mind and a great love for wrestling. While his matches are dubbed "garbage wrestling" by some and "hardcore classics" by others, the fact of the matter is that Dreamer can tell a story in the ring. He doesn't care if he is booked to win or to lose. He just wants to put on a great show. Here's to you, Dreamer.
1. CM Punk- The Straight Edge Superstar lives by the morals of no drugs, no alcohol, no smokes, no problem. One of the few purely clean wrestlers in an otherwise muddy industry, Punk can deliver in the ring, on the mic, and gives the fans their money's worth. His only addiction is competition. His name is CM Punk.
So there's my picks for the bastard brand of McMahonland. I'll be back for Smackdown! shortly.
ECW stands for Extreme Championship Wrestling and is not a Vince McMahon (owner and creator of WWE) creation. Cliff Notes version of its history: ECW was originally a small indy fed based in Philadelphia which exploded. They had such a strong following that it expanded to do shows throughout the U.S. and even landed a pay-per-view deal. Many of their wrestlers and basic storyline ideas were taken by WWE and at the time, WCW. However due to poor financial planning, the company folded in 2001. Then something happened. The fans kept chanting the brands name. They bought DVD's of old ECW matches. The fans would not let it die.
So Vince McMahon brought it back...to mixed results. It is not like the ECW of old, but it gives wrestlers another place to practice and showcase their trade, so ultimately I'm all for it. While it isn't the steak that it used to be and is now a Whopper from Burger King, I do have my favorites. Here are my Top Ten Favorite ECW Wrestlers from the current roster:
10. Chavo Guerrero- The current ECW champion is one of the most celebrated cruiserweights today. A strong technical wrestler with some lucha-libre mixed in, Chavo makes his family proud being a third generation star in this industry. Underrated, but undeterred.
9. Colin Delany- Who? Exactly. Colin is pale, scrawny and has yet to perform an effective offensive move. America loves an underdog, so Colin I salute you.
8. Boogeyman- What's that under your bed, crushing a clock against his head? He eats worms and it's true, he's the Boogeyman and he's COMING TO GET YOU!
7. Kofi Kingston- If Rob Van Dam and Eddy Gordo from the TEKKEN video game series had a kid. Kofi is cool and looks like he's got a bright future in the industry. Check it out, mon.
6. Stevie Richards- A wrestler that was from the original ECW, Stevie has had it rough. He's got solid skills, but never gets much of a break but loves the business so much that he's had multiple neck surgeries to stay in the game. It's his wry sense of humor, ability to parody (gotta love the Blue World Order), and all around good stuff that make him a favorite of mine. Hail, Stevie!
5. Elijah Burke- The Silver Tongued Pugilist has great speed, agility, and wrestling ability. Good on the mic and solid in the ring, why is this man not a champion yet is beyond me. His boxing past gives the Paragon of Virtue the ability to give you 4-UP side your head. Don't get hit by the Elijah Express!
4. Balls Mahoney- The Chair Swinging Freak is one of the misfits from the original ECW. Dressed like a fat, homeless metal fan and missing a few teeth, Balls doesn't look like a typical athlete. However, if pressed this man can chain wrestle with the best of them...if that doesn't work, then a chair to the head works just as well. BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!
3. Shelton Benjamin- An All American amateur wrestler, great worker, and probably the most underrated wrestler in the U.S. Shelton has the work ethic and ability to become one of the greats in the industry someday. I hope he'll unlock his full potential. For now, there ain't no stopping him now.
2. Tommy Dreamer- A man that literally broke his back to be in this industry, with a great creative mind and underrated wrestling creditentials. Tommy Dreamer is a man who has a great mind and a great love for wrestling. While his matches are dubbed "garbage wrestling" by some and "hardcore classics" by others, the fact of the matter is that Dreamer can tell a story in the ring. He doesn't care if he is booked to win or to lose. He just wants to put on a great show. Here's to you, Dreamer.
1. CM Punk- The Straight Edge Superstar lives by the morals of no drugs, no alcohol, no smokes, no problem. One of the few purely clean wrestlers in an otherwise muddy industry, Punk can deliver in the ring, on the mic, and gives the fans their money's worth. His only addiction is competition. His name is CM Punk.
So there's my picks for the bastard brand of McMahonland. I'll be back for Smackdown! shortly.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
WRESTLING RELATED BLOG BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!! (part 1)
I did it. After 15 years of wrestling fandom, I have found my white whale. I. Am. Going. To. WRESTLEMANIA! That's right, kiddos, I have a nosebleed seat at the Florida Citrus Bowl for the 24th installment of Wrestlemania! Section 221, Row B, Seat 15! Interested in wrestling or not, check out my blog periodically for occasional wrestling ramblings up until the big event of the year, the Superbowl of wrestling, Wrestlemania! I guarantee that even if you hate the stuff, you'll dig my blogs on it.
In this first blog, I wish to talk about something before Wrestlemania. As some of you know, I also got a ticket to a Ring of Honor show. To those who don't know what Ring of Honor is, click here! To make it short, summer blockbuster movies are to art films as WWE is to ROH. I'm excited about this show because it'll feature some of the best wrestlers in the U.S. who aren't WWE wrestlers. Now, it is time for a list. Even though most of these guys probably won't be at the ROH, I still wish to present:
Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Wrestlers Who Aren't in WWE!
10. Mistico- This man is known as the second coming of Rey Mysterio Jr. and Rey-rey isn't even dead yet! This tiny man flies and excites all who come to see him, along with having some solid wrestling to boot. His "La Mistica" armbar is a thing of twisty-fury! CHECK THIS OUT!
9. KENTA - American ECW wrestler CM Punk took a chunk of his moves, but this Japanese junior heavyweight has legitimately knocked out some guys with his past Muay Thai background. Beware his kneecaps or you will GO TO SLEEP.
8. Milano Collection AT- So let me get this straight. You are a Japanese wrestler. However, you are actually an Italian supermodel with one of those invisible dogs and can tie wrestlers into knots? SOLD!
7. Human Tornado- Take one part Shaft, two parts Supafly, and a part of Michael Jackson circa 1983 and you have one of the most entertaining stars in the independent wrestling circuit. With his Balls of Steel (which make shots to the groin ineffective) and his breakdance fighting, Human Tornado is ice cold!
6. Kenta Kobashi- The man known as "Orange Crush" (not to be confused with this ) has been one of most respected grapplers in the Land of the Rising Sun, especially after coming back after numerous knee surgeries and having a kidney removed. His chops make the great Ric Flair cringe and he can probably suplex the moon. But beware of his burning fury, the Burning Hammer.
5. Bryan Danielson - The man who graduated with a Bachelors in Shawn Michaels and got a Masters with William Regal is considered by most to be the best unsigned wrestler in North America. With his quick movements, vast knowledge of holds, and ability to have a great match with anybody, it's hard to disagree. Here's a look at his story.
4. Samoa Joe- While most people look at wrestlers, they think of bodybuilders or crazy looking gimmicks. Joe looks like the guy at the end of the bar who'd just kick your ass for fun after beer number four. There is a reason why fans chant, "JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU!"
3. Shark Boy - From 20,000 leagues under the sea, the master of the Dead Sea Drop and winner of a lawsuit against Robert Rodriguez for using his name in The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl without his permission. I give you, Mick Foley's favorite independent wrestler, SHARK BOY!
2. Christopher Daniels- The man known as "The Fallen Angel" has been making a great living on the independent wrestling scene for over 10 years. His cult leader is the only religious-themed gimmick that hasn't been inducted into Wrestlecrap history. A man who can wrestle with anybody and can open a show or draw money for a main event at any time is rare. I give you, that man. Now, this guy was going to be number one, but I thought I'd give it to his alter-ego...
1. Curry Man- HE'S HOT! HE'S SPICY! HE TASTES GREAT! HE'S CURRY MAN!!!
You gotta love a man that has a plate of curry with a side of rice on his head. Peace.
In this first blog, I wish to talk about something before Wrestlemania. As some of you know, I also got a ticket to a Ring of Honor show. To those who don't know what Ring of Honor is, click here! To make it short, summer blockbuster movies are to art films as WWE is to ROH. I'm excited about this show because it'll feature some of the best wrestlers in the U.S. who aren't WWE wrestlers. Now, it is time for a list. Even though most of these guys probably won't be at the ROH, I still wish to present:
Barnes' Top Ten Favorite Wrestlers Who Aren't in WWE!
10. Mistico- This man is known as the second coming of Rey Mysterio Jr. and Rey-rey isn't even dead yet! This tiny man flies and excites all who come to see him, along with having some solid wrestling to boot. His "La Mistica" armbar is a thing of twisty-fury! CHECK THIS OUT!
9. KENTA - American ECW wrestler CM Punk took a chunk of his moves, but this Japanese junior heavyweight has legitimately knocked out some guys with his past Muay Thai background. Beware his kneecaps or you will GO TO SLEEP.
8. Milano Collection AT- So let me get this straight. You are a Japanese wrestler. However, you are actually an Italian supermodel with one of those invisible dogs and can tie wrestlers into knots? SOLD!
7. Human Tornado- Take one part Shaft, two parts Supafly, and a part of Michael Jackson circa 1983 and you have one of the most entertaining stars in the independent wrestling circuit. With his Balls of Steel (which make shots to the groin ineffective) and his breakdance fighting, Human Tornado is ice cold!
6. Kenta Kobashi- The man known as "Orange Crush" (not to be confused with this ) has been one of most respected grapplers in the Land of the Rising Sun, especially after coming back after numerous knee surgeries and having a kidney removed. His chops make the great Ric Flair cringe and he can probably suplex the moon. But beware of his burning fury, the Burning Hammer.
5. Bryan Danielson - The man who graduated with a Bachelors in Shawn Michaels and got a Masters with William Regal is considered by most to be the best unsigned wrestler in North America. With his quick movements, vast knowledge of holds, and ability to have a great match with anybody, it's hard to disagree. Here's a look at his story.
4. Samoa Joe- While most people look at wrestlers, they think of bodybuilders or crazy looking gimmicks. Joe looks like the guy at the end of the bar who'd just kick your ass for fun after beer number four. There is a reason why fans chant, "JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU!"
3. Shark Boy - From 20,000 leagues under the sea, the master of the Dead Sea Drop and winner of a lawsuit against Robert Rodriguez for using his name in The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl without his permission. I give you, Mick Foley's favorite independent wrestler, SHARK BOY!
2. Christopher Daniels- The man known as "The Fallen Angel" has been making a great living on the independent wrestling scene for over 10 years. His cult leader is the only religious-themed gimmick that hasn't been inducted into Wrestlecrap history. A man who can wrestle with anybody and can open a show or draw money for a main event at any time is rare. I give you, that man. Now, this guy was going to be number one, but I thought I'd give it to his alter-ego...
1. Curry Man- HE'S HOT! HE'S SPICY! HE TASTES GREAT! HE'S CURRY MAN!!!
You gotta love a man that has a plate of curry with a side of rice on his head. Peace.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
My Birthday
So, my real birthday sucked because I had to go to a substitute teacher orientation which was eight hours of "Okay, everyone, what you need to do is follow the lesson plan and don't molest the kids...seriously, don't molest the kids...okay, if you started molesting the kids, just stop...follow the school's dress code...what did I tell you about molesting kids!" I was in a room with 40 people with only 15 of them that I would allow to teach my children if I had any. There were also three videos we watched that featured the most robotic acting of all time. Optimus Prime had more to emote than the head of the staffing agency. I also had to rush over to a lab to take a drug test after the orientation, which meant I had to hold it for over an hour so I could produce a specimen. The best part of the day was also awkward in that the person that will be referred to in this blog as Ex-Cheryl, took me to an authentic Irish pub and bought me food and beer.
Ex-Cheryl went out of her way to tell me that I was great guy, attractive, and that I'll find someone special someday. In other words, she said the same fucking phrase that I have heard since I was in seventh grade. So I told her that I heard that same bullcrap since seventh grade and quite frankly it'd be refreshing and new if a woman would reject me by calling me an asshole and throwing a drink at my face. It wouldn't be pleasant, but that would at least be different. She responded by buying me more beer. Damn straight.
Needless to say, it wasn't a great birthday...so I decided to fix that the next day. I celebrated my 25 years and one day by doing the following:
- Listening to "Birthday Dethday" by Dethklok
- Going to a greasy spoon diner and having a stack of waffles, scrambled eggs, beef sausage, and coffee given to me by weary waitress that called me "sugah."
- Going to ACME Toys (yes, it exists) and getting a Joe Swanson from Family Guy action figure, along with Yukon Cornelius from Rudolph (the best Christmas character not named Jesus), and a special edition Simpsons action figure of Stephen Hawking (complete with spring-loaded boxing glove and helicopter propellers).
- Getting the Street Fighter Alpha Anthology for PS2 for some 2-D fighting goodness.
- Watching "The Bucket List" (Quick review: Forget about the predictable plot, if I were to ask you, "Would you like to see Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson hang out for 2 hours?" You would have to say, "Yes...yes, I would.")
- Cook a huge pizza and watching Mystery Science Theater and wrestling for the rest of the night.
While I would have preferred to have hung out with my buddies (most which of probably reading this blog), I think I had a pretty good day after birthday by myself. Hope all is well and take it easy everyone.
Ex-Cheryl went out of her way to tell me that I was great guy, attractive, and that I'll find someone special someday. In other words, she said the same fucking phrase that I have heard since I was in seventh grade. So I told her that I heard that same bullcrap since seventh grade and quite frankly it'd be refreshing and new if a woman would reject me by calling me an asshole and throwing a drink at my face. It wouldn't be pleasant, but that would at least be different. She responded by buying me more beer. Damn straight.
Needless to say, it wasn't a great birthday...so I decided to fix that the next day. I celebrated my 25 years and one day by doing the following:
- Listening to "Birthday Dethday" by Dethklok
- Going to a greasy spoon diner and having a stack of waffles, scrambled eggs, beef sausage, and coffee given to me by weary waitress that called me "sugah."
- Going to ACME Toys (yes, it exists) and getting a Joe Swanson from Family Guy action figure, along with Yukon Cornelius from Rudolph (the best Christmas character not named Jesus), and a special edition Simpsons action figure of Stephen Hawking (complete with spring-loaded boxing glove and helicopter propellers).
- Getting the Street Fighter Alpha Anthology for PS2 for some 2-D fighting goodness.
- Watching "The Bucket List" (Quick review: Forget about the predictable plot, if I were to ask you, "Would you like to see Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson hang out for 2 hours?" You would have to say, "Yes...yes, I would.")
- Cook a huge pizza and watching Mystery Science Theater and wrestling for the rest of the night.
While I would have preferred to have hung out with my buddies (most which of probably reading this blog), I think I had a pretty good day after birthday by myself. Hope all is well and take it easy everyone.
Monday, January 07, 2008
There is no Cheryl
Cheryl decided to pursue other ventures/people. It sucks, but life moves on. Week of my birthday, too. *Sigh*. Oh well. For those of you that don't get this message, I'll allow the people that get the inside joke fill you in.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
IT'S FICTION PART 2: It's 2008. We can listen to 300 hours of music on a device smaller than a Kit-Kat Bar, but not irradicate dumbasses?
Alright. This is stupid. You've heard of the "Golden Compass" right? No? Well, it's a popular children's fantasy book series that was recently released as a movie that kinda sucks. The major controversy being that the book and presumably the movie had several anti-relgious overtones, most specifically against Catholicism. The good-guy characters apparently are fighting against their version of God. Not "God" god. Not "Yahweh." Not "Buddha." Not even "Thor." A fictional god. So Christian zealots that were still buzzing over "The Da Vinci Code" found a new target. They were worried that the children might be influenced into being non-God fearing people. That the children would be theologically spoiled due to a film featuring a little girl riding an armored polar bear like a horse. The media yawned and ridiculed them. Rightfully so, I might add. Man, I feel dirty. I just sided with the media. *shudder*
Well, the movie bombed. However, I tell you this story to tell this other story. One of the previews attached to "The Golden Compass" was a trailer to "Prince Caspian" the latest film to be churned out of the "Chronicles of Narnia." This is ironic, in that a "Christian fantasy" film is being advertised on a supposed "Atheist fantasy."
Well, the atheists, who usually are too apathetic or too snooty to go out their way to protest anything aside from "In God We Trust" being printed on money, are seen picketing outside theaters. They were concerned about the Christian subtext influencing their children. How dare our government allow a film to influence our children to believe in a higher being!
"I just can't believe this," said Leah Jones, mother of three and proud atheist. "I can't believe that they would allow children to be exposed to this kind of thing without warning!"
Wow. Just take out the word "atheist" and put "Christian" instead. It sounds like the typical protest tale Christians usually take crap for doing. Well, atheists, I've ranted and raved at Christians for the "Da Vinci Code" in a previous blog (check my blog archives under the title "IT'S FICTION!"). Now, it's time for your spanking.
First off, hypocrites, if you mock Christians for boycotting "illuminating" or "challenging" materials then you shouldn't do the same. Secondly, where the hell were you less than three years ago when "Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe" came out into theaters? A little late to cry foul, huh? Especially since that movie was an allegory for Easter which is the very base of the faith that you are intending to fight (much like how Christians fought strongly against the "Da Vinci Code" rather than the more controversial "Angels and Demons"). Plus, if you were really against the movie and gave a real damn you would have protested the movie while it was in production. Fuck, it was announced a mere few weeks after "Wardrobe" was released.
Thirdly, and the most important, IT'S FICTION! You know? Like Harry Potter, Scooby-Doo, and Scientology. You don't believe in this anyway, so how is it different than any other fantasy? Are you going to ban your kids from anything with any form of deity in it?
"Sorry, Timmy, you can't study Greek history."
"Why, Pop?"
"Because I didn't raise you to learn about Zeus."
If you look into most pieces of literature, fantasy especially, you'll be hard pressed not to find Gods, ghosts, spirits, summons (a prayer allegory), and angels. I guarantee one out three books has a Christ-like figure in them. The other thing is that you can just say "It's only a story, it's pretend." I doubt that the 8 year olds that this film is intended for will to watch this film will go home and say, "Wow, that Aslan is obviously representing God/Christ and his actions/dialogue in the film reflect much that is written in this Bible that I keep hearing about...etc." They will probably say, "I liked the talking lion and the swords and the magic and the animals and the fighting and the...etc." Do you know why? Because that's what I thought when I was that age.
What's the matter? Afraid of something that would be "challenging" to the beliefs (or in this case, unbeliefs) you want instilled in your kids? If it bothers you that much, don't take them to see the movie or read the books. Or just say, "It's fiction, lions can't talk." Besides, nowadays it's easier to put Jesus or Aslan alongside Mickey Mouse, Lion-O, and Popeye than convince kids that he's God's boy...or lion.
My point is that much like Christians can't keep their kids in the Christ-bubble forever, atheists can't keep their kids away from religous influence. Hell, are you going to prevent your kids from voting when they are old enough? The top contenders for 2008 include two Methodists, a Baptist preacher, a Catholic, and a Mormon. My hope is that Christians and atheists would let their kids look at each others worlds for a while, play together, and then let them learn from experiences on both ends of the spectrum. That way they will grow up into knowledgable people and get a job as opposed to picketing over nonsense like children's movies.
Well, the movie bombed. However, I tell you this story to tell this other story. One of the previews attached to "The Golden Compass" was a trailer to "Prince Caspian" the latest film to be churned out of the "Chronicles of Narnia." This is ironic, in that a "Christian fantasy" film is being advertised on a supposed "Atheist fantasy."
Well, the atheists, who usually are too apathetic or too snooty to go out their way to protest anything aside from "In God We Trust" being printed on money, are seen picketing outside theaters. They were concerned about the Christian subtext influencing their children. How dare our government allow a film to influence our children to believe in a higher being!
"I just can't believe this," said Leah Jones, mother of three and proud atheist. "I can't believe that they would allow children to be exposed to this kind of thing without warning!"
Wow. Just take out the word "atheist" and put "Christian" instead. It sounds like the typical protest tale Christians usually take crap for doing. Well, atheists, I've ranted and raved at Christians for the "Da Vinci Code" in a previous blog (check my blog archives under the title "IT'S FICTION!"). Now, it's time for your spanking.
First off, hypocrites, if you mock Christians for boycotting "illuminating" or "challenging" materials then you shouldn't do the same. Secondly, where the hell were you less than three years ago when "Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe" came out into theaters? A little late to cry foul, huh? Especially since that movie was an allegory for Easter which is the very base of the faith that you are intending to fight (much like how Christians fought strongly against the "Da Vinci Code" rather than the more controversial "Angels and Demons"). Plus, if you were really against the movie and gave a real damn you would have protested the movie while it was in production. Fuck, it was announced a mere few weeks after "Wardrobe" was released.
Thirdly, and the most important, IT'S FICTION! You know? Like Harry Potter, Scooby-Doo, and Scientology. You don't believe in this anyway, so how is it different than any other fantasy? Are you going to ban your kids from anything with any form of deity in it?
"Sorry, Timmy, you can't study Greek history."
"Why, Pop?"
"Because I didn't raise you to learn about Zeus."
If you look into most pieces of literature, fantasy especially, you'll be hard pressed not to find Gods, ghosts, spirits, summons (a prayer allegory), and angels. I guarantee one out three books has a Christ-like figure in them. The other thing is that you can just say "It's only a story, it's pretend." I doubt that the 8 year olds that this film is intended for will to watch this film will go home and say, "Wow, that Aslan is obviously representing God/Christ and his actions/dialogue in the film reflect much that is written in this Bible that I keep hearing about...etc." They will probably say, "I liked the talking lion and the swords and the magic and the animals and the fighting and the...etc." Do you know why? Because that's what I thought when I was that age.
What's the matter? Afraid of something that would be "challenging" to the beliefs (or in this case, unbeliefs) you want instilled in your kids? If it bothers you that much, don't take them to see the movie or read the books. Or just say, "It's fiction, lions can't talk." Besides, nowadays it's easier to put Jesus or Aslan alongside Mickey Mouse, Lion-O, and Popeye than convince kids that he's God's boy...or lion.
My point is that much like Christians can't keep their kids in the Christ-bubble forever, atheists can't keep their kids away from religous influence. Hell, are you going to prevent your kids from voting when they are old enough? The top contenders for 2008 include two Methodists, a Baptist preacher, a Catholic, and a Mormon. My hope is that Christians and atheists would let their kids look at each others worlds for a while, play together, and then let them learn from experiences on both ends of the spectrum. That way they will grow up into knowledgable people and get a job as opposed to picketing over nonsense like children's movies.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Reflection
2007 has been a long, weird year. A lot can happen in just one short year. Here's a few things off the top of my head:
- I turned 24 years old.
- One of my heroes killed his family and then himself (still bothered by that one).
- I debuted as a stand-up comic.
- I bonded and got closer with a lot of cool people in Cincinnati, many of which will be friendships I'll keep throughout my life.
- The members of what became known as US for WE celebrated one full year of wrestling watching.
- I quit my job helping the mentally ill and gave the building the middle finger.
- I moved to Florida.
- I got paid to do what I earned my degree in (a paltry sum, but it's money).
- I went to two weddings featuring four friends.
- I discovered the wonders of "24" (Thanks, Ed.) and "Heroes" (Thanks, Eric Lawshe)
- Watched I Pity the Fool (Best Reality TV Show EVER!)
- My goddaughter turned two years old.
- I had a heartfelt goodbye with three of my clients, one of which I don't think will live to see 2008.
- I threw away, gave away, or sold half of my possessions.
- I went to Hooters for the first time (the food sucks).
- I got to spend time and get to know my aunt, uncle, and grandparents.
- I spent my first Christmas away from my family.
- I found a cool girl that will hopefully evolve into a special someone.
- My sister graduated from college (good luck, Rach).
- I got drunk for the very first time and haven't gotten drunk since.
- I did audio comedy with a good friend. Sodie Pop Junkshun Go! (Or however we spelled it, Tommy).
- My college roommate celebrated the birth of his first child.
- I said goodbye to the only good part of Cincinnati: my friends.
- I became a huge supporter of UFC's Forrest Griffin.
- Matt Hill introduced me to Mt. Carmel Stout (Best Beer Ever).
- I had the privilege to celebrate the second annual Valhalladay.
- I ate turkey on Thanksgiving for the first time in three years.
- I emailed my college friends nearly monthly.
- I suffered the deepest depression spell in my life...thus far.
- I took a huge step in achieving my kooky dreams.
There's more than that I'm sure, but it's the most I could come with. 2008 will be a new year with new beginnings. I just hope I can make progress and achieve the goals set out for me in a shorter timespan. Happy New Year to All!
- I turned 24 years old.
- One of my heroes killed his family and then himself (still bothered by that one).
- I debuted as a stand-up comic.
- I bonded and got closer with a lot of cool people in Cincinnati, many of which will be friendships I'll keep throughout my life.
- The members of what became known as US for WE celebrated one full year of wrestling watching.
- I quit my job helping the mentally ill and gave the building the middle finger.
- I moved to Florida.
- I got paid to do what I earned my degree in (a paltry sum, but it's money).
- I went to two weddings featuring four friends.
- I discovered the wonders of "24" (Thanks, Ed.) and "Heroes" (Thanks, Eric Lawshe)
- Watched I Pity the Fool (Best Reality TV Show EVER!)
- My goddaughter turned two years old.
- I had a heartfelt goodbye with three of my clients, one of which I don't think will live to see 2008.
- I threw away, gave away, or sold half of my possessions.
- I went to Hooters for the first time (the food sucks).
- I got to spend time and get to know my aunt, uncle, and grandparents.
- I spent my first Christmas away from my family.
- I found a cool girl that will hopefully evolve into a special someone.
- My sister graduated from college (good luck, Rach).
- I got drunk for the very first time and haven't gotten drunk since.
- I did audio comedy with a good friend. Sodie Pop Junkshun Go! (Or however we spelled it, Tommy).
- My college roommate celebrated the birth of his first child.
- I said goodbye to the only good part of Cincinnati: my friends.
- I became a huge supporter of UFC's Forrest Griffin.
- Matt Hill introduced me to Mt. Carmel Stout (Best Beer Ever).
- I had the privilege to celebrate the second annual Valhalladay.
- I ate turkey on Thanksgiving for the first time in three years.
- I emailed my college friends nearly monthly.
- I suffered the deepest depression spell in my life...thus far.
- I took a huge step in achieving my kooky dreams.
There's more than that I'm sure, but it's the most I could come with. 2008 will be a new year with new beginnings. I just hope I can make progress and achieve the goals set out for me in a shorter timespan. Happy New Year to All!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Finding a Church (Church names have been omitted to protect me from getting sued/damned to Hell)
So moving to Florida and all that rot means that I need to find a new church in order to get connected with some cool people like I did in Cincy and find a place to pray and worship with others. This should be fun...ugh.
What can I say? I'm picky when it comes to churches. If I can't be myself or put myself in a place where I can worship freely and learn, then I have no interest. So far my church hunt hasn't been going too well.
First, I went to a church that my grandparents thought I might be interested in. Since I was a visitor, I was given a name tag. Sigh. I hate name tags. Quite honestly, I feel uncomfortable when it is directly pointed out that I'm the new guy. All these strangers look at my chest and say, "Good morning, Erik!" when all I can respond with is "...hi." because they don't have nametags.
Then a parishoner gave me a tour of a church when I told her politely "No, thank you, I'm just here for the service." There was a bookstore, but it wasn't like the bookstore at UCC back in Cincinnati. I didn't expect it to be the same as in Ohio, but I expected a bit more than a showcase for Rick Warren and a Jesus-based, Dr. Seuss-esque children's book.
The service was a typical contemporary service with the typical contemporary songs that contain the words "Jesus," "God," "Holy," and "Love" repeatedly, but in different order. That's when the Christian clowns showed up. No, that is not a typo. I'm just going to be vague and leave it at that. The pastor's message that Sunday was...actually, I don't remember it. I was distracted by the clowns. Needless to say, I'm not coming back.
The next week, I went to a church that was literally across the street from the University of Central Florida's basketball arena, so I figured that they might have a Bible study or ministry focused on people in their 20's. I walked in and on my left was the entrance to the sanctuary. On my right, there was a series of classrooms with ages listed on the top. "Ages 0-18 months," "Ages 1-3," "Ages 4-6," "Ages 7-12," "Ages 13-17," "Adult Study," and "Seniors Study." Two questions: 1. Why two separate rooms for babies? and 2. If you are in the middle of a college campus, wouldn't it make sense to have a study for students?
Shaking off those queries, I walked into the sanctuary. I got a bulletin. Teen ministries, children ministries, senior ministries, men's ministries, women's ministries, couples' ministries, married ministries, and parents' ministries were listed. The only thing that was missing was clown ministries...and ministries for single people in their 20's. I can't be the only one in Florida, right? Anyway, I went in and sat down.
The sanctuary looked like the set of MTV Unplugged, only with electrical instruments and even worse music. The message wasn't better either. It wasn't really a sermon but more of a rant with the pastor basically stating, "Seriously, guys, the Bible is real! The Da Vinci Code is lying!" Yeah, he brought up the Da Vinci Code...also Harry Potter for reasons I am still trying to figure out. Look, I'm not picking on the preacher because I'm not a fundamentalist, but the sermon wasn't a sermon. There was no message to take home to chew on and ponder...hell, there wasn't even any scripture to reflect upon! It was just one half of a tired debate. Well, I'm 2 for 2.
This morning after work, I tried out this church downtown. I at least saw people my age, so I might come back. I wasn't totally turned off by the music, but it wasn't my bag to begin with anyway. I have to start a church that sings hard rock or metal and allows screaming. I wasn't sure what to make of the message. The pastor was either talking about us all going to hell because we as a culture focused more on Anna Nicole Smith's paternity debacle than on the Iraq War or that we were saved through grace because we walked the road less traveled like the Robert Frost poem, I'm not sure which. He did insert a Calvin and Hobbes quote in as well so I'm going to give him a second chance. I might come back, but with some reservations.
I'm still going to look around for other possibilities, but it's difficult and frustrating to find a church home. I've always said that the only good part of me being in Cincinnati was finding UCC and making great friends from there. I don't want God to put lightning in a bottle again because nothing can replace or replicate the special bonds I made from UCC, but if He could put a tornado or some other natural phenomenon in a bottle or glass jar, I would be blessed once again.
What can I say? I'm picky when it comes to churches. If I can't be myself or put myself in a place where I can worship freely and learn, then I have no interest. So far my church hunt hasn't been going too well.
First, I went to a church that my grandparents thought I might be interested in. Since I was a visitor, I was given a name tag. Sigh. I hate name tags. Quite honestly, I feel uncomfortable when it is directly pointed out that I'm the new guy. All these strangers look at my chest and say, "Good morning, Erik!" when all I can respond with is "...hi." because they don't have nametags.
Then a parishoner gave me a tour of a church when I told her politely "No, thank you, I'm just here for the service." There was a bookstore, but it wasn't like the bookstore at UCC back in Cincinnati. I didn't expect it to be the same as in Ohio, but I expected a bit more than a showcase for Rick Warren and a Jesus-based, Dr. Seuss-esque children's book.
The service was a typical contemporary service with the typical contemporary songs that contain the words "Jesus," "God," "Holy," and "Love" repeatedly, but in different order. That's when the Christian clowns showed up. No, that is not a typo. I'm just going to be vague and leave it at that. The pastor's message that Sunday was...actually, I don't remember it. I was distracted by the clowns. Needless to say, I'm not coming back.
The next week, I went to a church that was literally across the street from the University of Central Florida's basketball arena, so I figured that they might have a Bible study or ministry focused on people in their 20's. I walked in and on my left was the entrance to the sanctuary. On my right, there was a series of classrooms with ages listed on the top. "Ages 0-18 months," "Ages 1-3," "Ages 4-6," "Ages 7-12," "Ages 13-17," "Adult Study," and "Seniors Study." Two questions: 1. Why two separate rooms for babies? and 2. If you are in the middle of a college campus, wouldn't it make sense to have a study for students?
Shaking off those queries, I walked into the sanctuary. I got a bulletin. Teen ministries, children ministries, senior ministries, men's ministries, women's ministries, couples' ministries, married ministries, and parents' ministries were listed. The only thing that was missing was clown ministries...and ministries for single people in their 20's. I can't be the only one in Florida, right? Anyway, I went in and sat down.
The sanctuary looked like the set of MTV Unplugged, only with electrical instruments and even worse music. The message wasn't better either. It wasn't really a sermon but more of a rant with the pastor basically stating, "Seriously, guys, the Bible is real! The Da Vinci Code is lying!" Yeah, he brought up the Da Vinci Code...also Harry Potter for reasons I am still trying to figure out. Look, I'm not picking on the preacher because I'm not a fundamentalist, but the sermon wasn't a sermon. There was no message to take home to chew on and ponder...hell, there wasn't even any scripture to reflect upon! It was just one half of a tired debate. Well, I'm 2 for 2.
This morning after work, I tried out this church downtown. I at least saw people my age, so I might come back. I wasn't totally turned off by the music, but it wasn't my bag to begin with anyway. I have to start a church that sings hard rock or metal and allows screaming. I wasn't sure what to make of the message. The pastor was either talking about us all going to hell because we as a culture focused more on Anna Nicole Smith's paternity debacle than on the Iraq War or that we were saved through grace because we walked the road less traveled like the Robert Frost poem, I'm not sure which. He did insert a Calvin and Hobbes quote in as well so I'm going to give him a second chance. I might come back, but with some reservations.
I'm still going to look around for other possibilities, but it's difficult and frustrating to find a church home. I've always said that the only good part of me being in Cincinnati was finding UCC and making great friends from there. I don't want God to put lightning in a bottle again because nothing can replace or replicate the special bonds I made from UCC, but if He could put a tornado or some other natural phenomenon in a bottle or glass jar, I would be blessed once again.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Random Lists About Me That You'll Read About When You Are Online and Bored
Songs I'd Make Love To (Ladies don't get that scared)
- Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
- Give My Love to Rose- Johnny Cash
- Dragula- Rob Zombie
- With a Wonder and Wild Desire- Flogging Molly
- Battlestar Scratchactica- Incubus
- To Peace- Submersed
- Ace of Spades- Motorhead
- She is Beautiful- Andrew W.K.
- Angel- Jimi Hendrix
- Let's Get It On- Marvin Gaye
- Rain- Breaking Benjamin
- Lightness- Death Cab for Cutie
- Out Loud- Dispatch
- Little Wing- Jimi Hendrix
- I Can't Quit You, Baby- Led Zepplin
- Somewhere Out There- Our Lady Peace
- Are You Ready?- Rollins Band
- Can't Get Enough of Your Love- Barry White
- Illumination- Rollins Band
Websites I Check Out Regularly That Have Nothing to Do with News, Email, Facebook, MySpace, etc.
- http://www.superdickery.com/ - A website that features real life comics featuring stupid superpowers in comics, accidental (?) suggestive poses by superheroes in comics, monkey related material, and situations in which Superman is just being a dick.
- http://www.newgrounds.com/ - Random cartoons and videos made by people like you and me.
- http://www.cinemassacre.com/ - A personal site of James Rolfe, aspiring filmmaker, and widely known as his alternative persona The Angry Video Game Nerd, a nerd that retro-views crappy videogames from your childhood.
- www.wrestlecrap.com - A pro wrestling site featuring the worst in pro wrestling. Funny looks at crappy wrestling characters (The Gobbledy Gooker, a wrestler in a turkey costume), wrestling storylines (Robocop helping wrestler Sting beat up the bad guys, and merchandise (Talking The Rock Soap on a Rope). And no, they aren't making this up.
- www.retrojunk.com - What was the name of that one Silverhawk that played the guitar? Go to this site for that answer along with videos of TV shows and ads from the 80's.
- www.jumptheshark.com - What the was pinnacle of your favorite TV series before it fell down to mediocrity or cancellation? Find out and debate on this site.
- www.engrish.com - View actual items from Japan that totally butcher the English language with hilarious results.
- www.emotioneric.com - Watch Eric convey various emotions from Happy to Sassy to Smarmy to Staring at your hands the way people do in movies when they've just killed their first person.
Favorite Anime
-Naruto- The story of a plucky ninja with a fox demon caged within him. Awesome ninja fights, slow burning plot, and multiple three dimensional side characters.
-Cowboy Bebop- A space western featuring jazzy music and bounty hunters.
-Samurai Champloo- A hip-hop samurai quest with a bum, an uptight ronin, and a girl searching for a samurai that smells of sunflowers.
- Trigun- Western with gunfights, steampowered robotics, and a gunman that leaves unintentional carnage in his wake.
- Full Metal Alchemist- A story featuring a small hero who uses alchemy along with his robotic arm and leg with his brother whose soul is housed within a suit of armor. A story about the ugly nature of playing God and the ugly cost of desire.
Sports I Want to See on Primetime American Television
- Murderball- Wheelchair bound athletes ramming into each other in a soccer atmosphere.
- Chessboxing- 6 rounds of chess with 5 rounds of boxing in between. A knockout or checkmate wins it all.
- Wife Carrying- it explains itself.
- Dodgeball- I know it had a show on the Game Show Network, but I want to see it on network.
Hopefully, a real blog next time.
- Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
- Give My Love to Rose- Johnny Cash
- Dragula- Rob Zombie
- With a Wonder and Wild Desire- Flogging Molly
- Battlestar Scratchactica- Incubus
- To Peace- Submersed
- Ace of Spades- Motorhead
- She is Beautiful- Andrew W.K.
- Angel- Jimi Hendrix
- Let's Get It On- Marvin Gaye
- Rain- Breaking Benjamin
- Lightness- Death Cab for Cutie
- Out Loud- Dispatch
- Little Wing- Jimi Hendrix
- I Can't Quit You, Baby- Led Zepplin
- Somewhere Out There- Our Lady Peace
- Are You Ready?- Rollins Band
- Can't Get Enough of Your Love- Barry White
- Illumination- Rollins Band
Websites I Check Out Regularly That Have Nothing to Do with News, Email, Facebook, MySpace, etc.
- http://www.superdickery.com/ - A website that features real life comics featuring stupid superpowers in comics, accidental (?) suggestive poses by superheroes in comics, monkey related material, and situations in which Superman is just being a dick.
- http://www.newgrounds.com/ - Random cartoons and videos made by people like you and me.
- http://www.cinemassacre.com/ - A personal site of James Rolfe, aspiring filmmaker, and widely known as his alternative persona The Angry Video Game Nerd, a nerd that retro-views crappy videogames from your childhood.
- www.wrestlecrap.com - A pro wrestling site featuring the worst in pro wrestling. Funny looks at crappy wrestling characters (The Gobbledy Gooker, a wrestler in a turkey costume), wrestling storylines (Robocop helping wrestler Sting beat up the bad guys, and merchandise (Talking The Rock Soap on a Rope). And no, they aren't making this up.
- www.retrojunk.com - What was the name of that one Silverhawk that played the guitar? Go to this site for that answer along with videos of TV shows and ads from the 80's.
- www.jumptheshark.com - What the was pinnacle of your favorite TV series before it fell down to mediocrity or cancellation? Find out and debate on this site.
- www.engrish.com - View actual items from Japan that totally butcher the English language with hilarious results.
- www.emotioneric.com - Watch Eric convey various emotions from Happy to Sassy to Smarmy to Staring at your hands the way people do in movies when they've just killed their first person.
Favorite Anime
-Naruto- The story of a plucky ninja with a fox demon caged within him. Awesome ninja fights, slow burning plot, and multiple three dimensional side characters.
-Cowboy Bebop- A space western featuring jazzy music and bounty hunters.
-Samurai Champloo- A hip-hop samurai quest with a bum, an uptight ronin, and a girl searching for a samurai that smells of sunflowers.
- Trigun- Western with gunfights, steampowered robotics, and a gunman that leaves unintentional carnage in his wake.
- Full Metal Alchemist- A story featuring a small hero who uses alchemy along with his robotic arm and leg with his brother whose soul is housed within a suit of armor. A story about the ugly nature of playing God and the ugly cost of desire.
Sports I Want to See on Primetime American Television
- Murderball- Wheelchair bound athletes ramming into each other in a soccer atmosphere.
- Chessboxing- 6 rounds of chess with 5 rounds of boxing in between. A knockout or checkmate wins it all.
- Wife Carrying- it explains itself.
- Dodgeball- I know it had a show on the Game Show Network, but I want to see it on network.
Hopefully, a real blog next time.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Simpsons Fanboy Blogpost Go!
It's a show that I literally grew up with and still grow up with to this day. I have been and still am a huge fan of the Simpsons. I consider the show to be one of my strongest comedic influences alongside any stand-up comic that I can name. It's one of the longest running shows on network TV and was just renewed for a 19th season. However, this upcoming Friday another notch on the ever expanding belt of the Simpsons will be made when the Simpsons movie, cleverly titled The Simpsons Movie, premieres in theaters.
In honor of the movie, I've been giving myself an ongoing Simpsons Marathon featuring my DVDs of the series whenever I'm at home. In fact, disc three of season 8 is playing on my DVD player as I am writing this blog. I also wish to share with you my personal top ten favorite Simpsons episodes along with my top ten favorite Simpsons characters.
Top Ten Favorite Episodes
10. "Dead Putting Society"- Season 2, Episode 6- This episode features Bart playing in a mini-golf tournament against Todd Flanders with Homer making a bet with Ned Flanders. This episode had plenty of humor, especially Homer's hatred of Ned's good-natured good fortune. I also enjoyed the Karate Kid-esque training.
9. "Homer the Heretic"- Season 4, Episode 3- Homer stays home instead of going to church and proceeds to make his own religion around it. I really like this episode because while its entertaining and funny, it also explains the importance of the role of faith in society and life.
8. "The Principal and the Pauper"- Season 9, Episode 2- It is revealed that Principal Skinner isn't really Principal Skinner at all, but apparently a reformed street punk named Armin Tamzarian. This episode is over the top and greatly displays humanity's fears of change or alteration of the familiar. Never underestimate the power of mass denial.
7- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)"- Season 11, Episode 5- While this episode isn't thought-provoking, it's fun. Homer is able to create a hybrid of tomatoes and tobacco known as tomacco. The highly addictive veggie leads to hilarious results.
6- "Maximum Homerdrive"- Season 10, Episode 17- After losing a steak-eating contest to a trucker that dies immediately after winning, Homer vows to take the trucker's rig and make his delivery along with Bart. Meanwhile, Marge and Lisa are tormented by a novelty doorbell that plays the Carpenters' "(They Long to Be) Close to You." This show was funny especially when Homer confuses the trucker with steak eating actor Tony Randall.
5- "The Last Temptation of Homer"- Season 5, Episode 9- After some struggle in his marriage, Homer meets a female coworker that relates to Homer in almost every way. Homer constantly struggles with his fidelity when the two are chosen to represent the nuclear plant at a convention. I like this episode because it shows what most affairs are: a bad action done between two usually good people. It also shows Homer loves Marge purely and truly, despite of and because of the differences between them.
4- "Raging Abe Simpson and his Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'"- Season 7, Episode 22- In this episode, Grandpa Simpson and Bart go on a quest to search for buried artwork that Grandpa and his WWII unit, The Flying Hellfish, stole from the Nazis. Meanwhile, Mr. Burns, also a Hellfish, tries to thwart them and take the paintings for himself. This episode is funny and shows a side of Grandpa that had previously never been shown before.
3- "22 Short Films About Springfield"- Season 7, Episode 21- This episode is good because it features nearly every single character from the Simpsons in one way or another inserting them in a bunch of different comedic shorts.
2- "Marge vs. the Monorail"-Season 4, Episode 12- This is frequently featured on my many top ten lists and rightfully so. It was written by a guy that's going to replace Jay Leno in 2009 by the name of Conan O'Brien. O'Brien's dada-esque, idiot-humor show through in this episode, in which Springfield is conned into building a monorail with disasterous results. There is also a great deadpan performance by Star Trek's Leonard Nimoy.
1- "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"- Season 8, Episode 18- My favorite episode is the one most people refer to as the "Beer Baron Episode." Springfield enforces a long disregarded prohibition law after Bart accidentally gets drunk during a St. Patrick's Day parade. Homer becomes a bootlegger to much joy of Springfield's inebriated, but is constantly on the run from newly appointed chief of police, Rex Banner. This episode is funny and makes several references to the show and film "The Untouchables" with Dave Thomas's brilliant performance of the Elliot Ness wannabe.
Top Ten Favorite Simpsons Characters
10- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon- This character turned from a stereotype into the most rounded character that isn't a Simpson family member. The character has been under fire in the past because of the jokes about his ethnicity and religion, however in later episodes Apu's culture and Hindu faith have been frequently featured in an educational and favorable light. To my knowledge, there is no other recurring Middle Eastern character in an American series that isn't a terrorist.
9- Hans Moleman- Moleman amuses me due to his elderly nature and always being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't know how many times his life was endangered and no one caring to help him.
8- Troy McClure- You might have recognized him from such events as "Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory," "Andre the Giant: We Hardly Knew Ye," and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." Troy McClure seems to steal every scene he is featured in thanks to the great comedic performance of the late Phil Hartman.
7- Barney Gumble- Simpsons took what was originally the typical town drunk and made him more three dimensional with having a backstory behind his drinking and even having him become sober with various relapses.
6- Disco Stu- Yeah, he's one dimensional, but he has made me laugh every time I've seen him.
5- Groundskeeper Willie- The surly Scotsman makes me laugh with his angry voice and various nonsensical insults.
4- Seymour Skinner- I love the fact that the writers gave this character a vast history that explains a good chunk of his behaviors and his personality. Let's look at his traits: He's bitter and tortured about his tour during the Vietnam War, he's a mama's boy, he is straight-laced, he's awkward around women (just ask Mrs. Krabappel), and he's Bart's best nemesis. In any other show, they would have just made five separate characters based on those traits instead of fleshing out one great one.
3- Comic Book Guy- I'm a comic nerd and for the life of me this character is the true to life. Every comic store, EVERY COMIC STORE, has someone that looks and sounds just like Comic Book Guy right down to the elitist sarcasm. The best part about it is that the comic book guys of the real world are totally oblivious to the fact that they are just like Comic Book Guy.
2.- Ralph Wiggum- There is never a scene in which Ralph doesn't make me laugh. There doesn't need to be any other reason.
1- Charles Montgomery Burns- The evil billionaire is hilarious in his megolomaniac schemes and his old-timey, out-of-touch references. You hate him and yet there are many moments that you root for him. It's good to be Monty Burns.
That's all I got for tonight. I'll keep watching the show and I'll see you at the theater.
In honor of the movie, I've been giving myself an ongoing Simpsons Marathon featuring my DVDs of the series whenever I'm at home. In fact, disc three of season 8 is playing on my DVD player as I am writing this blog. I also wish to share with you my personal top ten favorite Simpsons episodes along with my top ten favorite Simpsons characters.
Top Ten Favorite Episodes
10. "Dead Putting Society"- Season 2, Episode 6- This episode features Bart playing in a mini-golf tournament against Todd Flanders with Homer making a bet with Ned Flanders. This episode had plenty of humor, especially Homer's hatred of Ned's good-natured good fortune. I also enjoyed the Karate Kid-esque training.
9. "Homer the Heretic"- Season 4, Episode 3- Homer stays home instead of going to church and proceeds to make his own religion around it. I really like this episode because while its entertaining and funny, it also explains the importance of the role of faith in society and life.
8. "The Principal and the Pauper"- Season 9, Episode 2- It is revealed that Principal Skinner isn't really Principal Skinner at all, but apparently a reformed street punk named Armin Tamzarian. This episode is over the top and greatly displays humanity's fears of change or alteration of the familiar. Never underestimate the power of mass denial.
7- "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)"- Season 11, Episode 5- While this episode isn't thought-provoking, it's fun. Homer is able to create a hybrid of tomatoes and tobacco known as tomacco. The highly addictive veggie leads to hilarious results.
6- "Maximum Homerdrive"- Season 10, Episode 17- After losing a steak-eating contest to a trucker that dies immediately after winning, Homer vows to take the trucker's rig and make his delivery along with Bart. Meanwhile, Marge and Lisa are tormented by a novelty doorbell that plays the Carpenters' "(They Long to Be) Close to You." This show was funny especially when Homer confuses the trucker with steak eating actor Tony Randall.
5- "The Last Temptation of Homer"- Season 5, Episode 9- After some struggle in his marriage, Homer meets a female coworker that relates to Homer in almost every way. Homer constantly struggles with his fidelity when the two are chosen to represent the nuclear plant at a convention. I like this episode because it shows what most affairs are: a bad action done between two usually good people. It also shows Homer loves Marge purely and truly, despite of and because of the differences between them.
4- "Raging Abe Simpson and his Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'"- Season 7, Episode 22- In this episode, Grandpa Simpson and Bart go on a quest to search for buried artwork that Grandpa and his WWII unit, The Flying Hellfish, stole from the Nazis. Meanwhile, Mr. Burns, also a Hellfish, tries to thwart them and take the paintings for himself. This episode is funny and shows a side of Grandpa that had previously never been shown before.
3- "22 Short Films About Springfield"- Season 7, Episode 21- This episode is good because it features nearly every single character from the Simpsons in one way or another inserting them in a bunch of different comedic shorts.
2- "Marge vs. the Monorail"-Season 4, Episode 12- This is frequently featured on my many top ten lists and rightfully so. It was written by a guy that's going to replace Jay Leno in 2009 by the name of Conan O'Brien. O'Brien's dada-esque, idiot-humor show through in this episode, in which Springfield is conned into building a monorail with disasterous results. There is also a great deadpan performance by Star Trek's Leonard Nimoy.
1- "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"- Season 8, Episode 18- My favorite episode is the one most people refer to as the "Beer Baron Episode." Springfield enforces a long disregarded prohibition law after Bart accidentally gets drunk during a St. Patrick's Day parade. Homer becomes a bootlegger to much joy of Springfield's inebriated, but is constantly on the run from newly appointed chief of police, Rex Banner. This episode is funny and makes several references to the show and film "The Untouchables" with Dave Thomas's brilliant performance of the Elliot Ness wannabe.
Top Ten Favorite Simpsons Characters
10- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon- This character turned from a stereotype into the most rounded character that isn't a Simpson family member. The character has been under fire in the past because of the jokes about his ethnicity and religion, however in later episodes Apu's culture and Hindu faith have been frequently featured in an educational and favorable light. To my knowledge, there is no other recurring Middle Eastern character in an American series that isn't a terrorist.
9- Hans Moleman- Moleman amuses me due to his elderly nature and always being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't know how many times his life was endangered and no one caring to help him.
8- Troy McClure- You might have recognized him from such events as "Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory," "Andre the Giant: We Hardly Knew Ye," and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." Troy McClure seems to steal every scene he is featured in thanks to the great comedic performance of the late Phil Hartman.
7- Barney Gumble- Simpsons took what was originally the typical town drunk and made him more three dimensional with having a backstory behind his drinking and even having him become sober with various relapses.
6- Disco Stu- Yeah, he's one dimensional, but he has made me laugh every time I've seen him.
5- Groundskeeper Willie- The surly Scotsman makes me laugh with his angry voice and various nonsensical insults.
4- Seymour Skinner- I love the fact that the writers gave this character a vast history that explains a good chunk of his behaviors and his personality. Let's look at his traits: He's bitter and tortured about his tour during the Vietnam War, he's a mama's boy, he is straight-laced, he's awkward around women (just ask Mrs. Krabappel), and he's Bart's best nemesis. In any other show, they would have just made five separate characters based on those traits instead of fleshing out one great one.
3- Comic Book Guy- I'm a comic nerd and for the life of me this character is the true to life. Every comic store, EVERY COMIC STORE, has someone that looks and sounds just like Comic Book Guy right down to the elitist sarcasm. The best part about it is that the comic book guys of the real world are totally oblivious to the fact that they are just like Comic Book Guy.
2.- Ralph Wiggum- There is never a scene in which Ralph doesn't make me laugh. There doesn't need to be any other reason.
1- Charles Montgomery Burns- The evil billionaire is hilarious in his megolomaniac schemes and his old-timey, out-of-touch references. You hate him and yet there are many moments that you root for him. It's good to be Monty Burns.
That's all I got for tonight. I'll keep watching the show and I'll see you at the theater.
Friday, July 20, 2007
More Dream Stuff
Continuation from previous blog.
The Erik Barnes Memorial Library
The Bible
Book of the Five Rings
The Art of War
The Hagakure
All books/graphic novels written by the following authors:
Dr. Seuss
Chuck Pahluniak
Brian Michael Bendis
Brian K. Vaughn
Alan Moore
Neil Gaiman
J.R.R. Tolkien
C.S. Lewis
Edgar Allan Poe
Thomas Merton
Diedrich Bonhoffer
Warren Ellis
Garth Ennis
Brad Meltzer
Donald Miller
Marcus Borg
Robert Kirkman
Frank Miller
Mark Millar
Grant Morrison
Frank McCourt
Anne Rice
Shel Silvestein
Mick Foley
Ed Brubaker
Jon Stewart
Time Traveling Adventures of Wilkinson Malloy! (Barnes' Dream Sitcom)
directed by Erik Barnes
written by the writing team of Conan O'Brien, Larry David, Tina Fey, Erik Barnes, Lewis Black, Dave Chappelle, and Patton Oswalt
starring
Bruce Campbell as Wilkinson Malloy (the garbageman who stumbles upon a time machine)
Jenna Fischer as Mary Till (Malloy's niece and confidant)
Jason Lee as Frankie Roberts (Mary's boyfriend and annoys Malloy)
Dave Chappelle as Roger McDougal (Malloy's best friend and coworker, struggling comedian)
Creed Bratton as Dr. Hugh Von Brinderbranden (the inventor of the time machine)
and Wilford Brimley as Teddy Roosevelt (26th President of the United States and consistently assists Malloy in his adventures in time travel)
The Justice Alliance
(Barnes' Dream Superhero Team. To set a limit no more than 12 members)
Batman
Psylocke
Martian Manhunter
Green Arrow
Jack Hawksmoor
Black Adam
Beast
Hellboy
Kitty Pryde
Witchblade
Green Lantern
Daredevil
The Erik Barnes Memorial Library
The Bible
Book of the Five Rings
The Art of War
The Hagakure
All books/graphic novels written by the following authors:
Dr. Seuss
Chuck Pahluniak
Brian Michael Bendis
Brian K. Vaughn
Alan Moore
Neil Gaiman
J.R.R. Tolkien
C.S. Lewis
Edgar Allan Poe
Thomas Merton
Diedrich Bonhoffer
Warren Ellis
Garth Ennis
Brad Meltzer
Donald Miller
Marcus Borg
Robert Kirkman
Frank Miller
Mark Millar
Grant Morrison
Frank McCourt
Anne Rice
Shel Silvestein
Mick Foley
Ed Brubaker
Jon Stewart
Time Traveling Adventures of Wilkinson Malloy! (Barnes' Dream Sitcom)
directed by Erik Barnes
written by the writing team of Conan O'Brien, Larry David, Tina Fey, Erik Barnes, Lewis Black, Dave Chappelle, and Patton Oswalt
starring
Bruce Campbell as Wilkinson Malloy (the garbageman who stumbles upon a time machine)
Jenna Fischer as Mary Till (Malloy's niece and confidant)
Jason Lee as Frankie Roberts (Mary's boyfriend and annoys Malloy)
Dave Chappelle as Roger McDougal (Malloy's best friend and coworker, struggling comedian)
Creed Bratton as Dr. Hugh Von Brinderbranden (the inventor of the time machine)
and Wilford Brimley as Teddy Roosevelt (26th President of the United States and consistently assists Malloy in his adventures in time travel)
The Justice Alliance
(Barnes' Dream Superhero Team. To set a limit no more than 12 members)
Batman
Psylocke
Martian Manhunter
Green Arrow
Jack Hawksmoor
Black Adam
Beast
Hellboy
Kitty Pryde
Witchblade
Green Lantern
Daredevil
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
My Dream (Insert Here)
Nothing new. Just putzing, working, selling stuff, and getting prepared for the move. But I thought I'd sit back and think what my dream events would be:
Barnesamania (Dream Wrestling Pay-Per-View featuring wrestlers in their prime)
Samoa Joe vs. Chris Jericho (2 out of 3 falls)
Kurt Angle vs. Kenta Kobashi (60 minute Iron Man Match)
AJ Styles vs. Eddie Guerrero
Christopher Daniels vs. Bret Hart
Brian Danielson vs. Owen Hart
Team 3D vs. The Road Warriors
Booker T vs. Colt Cabana
The Undertaker vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
Ultimo Dragon vs. Petey Williams vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Shark Boy
CM Punk vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
The Hardys vs. Brian Kendrick and Paul London
William Regal vs. Senshi (Submission only)
Barnesapalooza (Dream Music Festival)
Lordi
Social Distortion
Clutch
Rage Against the Machine
System of a Down
Incubus
Rollins Band
Led Zepplin
Matisyahu
Pink Floyd
Barnesayuk-yuks (Dream Stand-up Comedy Show)
Me (Hey, it's my dream show, I should be able to open the festivities)
Mitch Hedberg
Dave Chappelle
Patton Oswalt
Christopher Titus
Eugene Mirman
The Kids in the Hall
Brian Posehn
Bill Cosby
Jerry Seinfeld
Lewis Black
The Barnes Network (My own television network with shows that are currently on air/in syndication)
The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy
The Shield
Rescue Me
Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends
WWE RAW
WWE Friday Night Smackdown!
ECW
Dead Like Me
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
The Office
The Simpsons
Family Guy
Seinfeld
24
Futurama
The Daily Show
The Colbert Report
TNA Impact!
South Park
Robot Chicken
The Venture Brothers
The Boondocks
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Metalocalypse
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mythbusters
Man vs. Wild
Naruto
Barnes Best Movie Ever (The Title)
directed by the Coen Brothers
written by Erik Barnes
starring
Tom Hanks
Jack Nicholson
Julia Stiles
Chuck Norris
Christopher Walken
Wilford Brimly
Keira Knightly
Morgan Freeman
Nathan Fillion
Jason Statham
Alan Rickman
Natalie Portman
Ed Asner
Jackie Chan
Sean Connery
Will Ferrell
Christian Bale
Patrick Stewart
Reese Witherspoon
Michael Caine
Amy Smart
Dennis Haysbert
Ving Rhames
Walter Matthau
and Samuel L. Jackson as Wilson "Shoot the Bastard!" Tibbons
Feast of the Barnes (My Dream Meal)
Appetizer: A mix of sweet BBQ, terryaki, and peanut sauce covered chicken wings with a small plate of chili cheese fries with a glass of IBC Cream Soda
Main Entree: Lightly seasoned and marinated 16 oz steak with a fat lobster tail
Sides: A small bowl of pasta with scallops and shrimp with marinara and parmesan cheese.
A small plate of steamed vegetables (broccoli, carrots, green beans, etc.)
A personal pan pizza with grilled chicken, bacon, green pepper, and red pepper toppings.
Beverage: 2 liters of Mount Caramel Ale
Dessert: A wedge of triple chocolate cake with a scoop of cookies and cream ice cream with a chocolate chip cookie inserted into the ice cream.
After Dinner: A glass of blackberry wine, three fingers of Makers Mark, a stein of Ragnar's Reserve mead, and a Romeo Y Julieta cigar.
Just thought I'd share. A real entry sometime soon or after the move.
Barnesamania (Dream Wrestling Pay-Per-View featuring wrestlers in their prime)
Samoa Joe vs. Chris Jericho (2 out of 3 falls)
Kurt Angle vs. Kenta Kobashi (60 minute Iron Man Match)
AJ Styles vs. Eddie Guerrero
Christopher Daniels vs. Bret Hart
Brian Danielson vs. Owen Hart
Team 3D vs. The Road Warriors
Booker T vs. Colt Cabana
The Undertaker vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
Ultimo Dragon vs. Petey Williams vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Shark Boy
CM Punk vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
The Hardys vs. Brian Kendrick and Paul London
William Regal vs. Senshi (Submission only)
Barnesapalooza (Dream Music Festival)
Lordi
Social Distortion
Clutch
Rage Against the Machine
System of a Down
Incubus
Rollins Band
Led Zepplin
Matisyahu
Pink Floyd
Barnesayuk-yuks (Dream Stand-up Comedy Show)
Me (Hey, it's my dream show, I should be able to open the festivities)
Mitch Hedberg
Dave Chappelle
Patton Oswalt
Christopher Titus
Eugene Mirman
The Kids in the Hall
Brian Posehn
Bill Cosby
Jerry Seinfeld
Lewis Black
The Barnes Network (My own television network with shows that are currently on air/in syndication)
The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy
The Shield
Rescue Me
Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends
WWE RAW
WWE Friday Night Smackdown!
ECW
Dead Like Me
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
The Office
The Simpsons
Family Guy
Seinfeld
24
Futurama
The Daily Show
The Colbert Report
TNA Impact!
South Park
Robot Chicken
The Venture Brothers
The Boondocks
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Metalocalypse
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mythbusters
Man vs. Wild
Naruto
Barnes Best Movie Ever (The Title)
directed by the Coen Brothers
written by Erik Barnes
starring
Tom Hanks
Jack Nicholson
Julia Stiles
Chuck Norris
Christopher Walken
Wilford Brimly
Keira Knightly
Morgan Freeman
Nathan Fillion
Jason Statham
Alan Rickman
Natalie Portman
Ed Asner
Jackie Chan
Sean Connery
Will Ferrell
Christian Bale
Patrick Stewart
Reese Witherspoon
Michael Caine
Amy Smart
Dennis Haysbert
Ving Rhames
Walter Matthau
and Samuel L. Jackson as Wilson "Shoot the Bastard!" Tibbons
Feast of the Barnes (My Dream Meal)
Appetizer: A mix of sweet BBQ, terryaki, and peanut sauce covered chicken wings with a small plate of chili cheese fries with a glass of IBC Cream Soda
Main Entree: Lightly seasoned and marinated 16 oz steak with a fat lobster tail
Sides: A small bowl of pasta with scallops and shrimp with marinara and parmesan cheese.
A small plate of steamed vegetables (broccoli, carrots, green beans, etc.)
A personal pan pizza with grilled chicken, bacon, green pepper, and red pepper toppings.
Beverage: 2 liters of Mount Caramel Ale
Dessert: A wedge of triple chocolate cake with a scoop of cookies and cream ice cream with a chocolate chip cookie inserted into the ice cream.
After Dinner: A glass of blackberry wine, three fingers of Makers Mark, a stein of Ragnar's Reserve mead, and a Romeo Y Julieta cigar.
Just thought I'd share. A real entry sometime soon or after the move.
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